Thursday Thoughts

I do want to go camping on my birthday, but here's an idea...we'll just go camping. We'll hike and sit on our butts and cook over a fire and forget about trying to get anywhere, like Charlotte or Asheville. I need a retreat. May do the weekend in Orlando and then drag Husby to Table Rock...ah, doubt we can afford both, but allow me my delusions for a bit.

Rearranged my desk, but now my monitor catches a glare from the dang windows...this building is mad with windows, which normally I'd love, except when I'm trying to find the happy medium in focusing with the floaties in my eyes lately. Gotta ask her about those at my follow-up on Saturday...hope my new glasses are in. I have a feeling I'll be wearing them a lot more now.

Good Momma Zen today...the trickiest part of Zen for me will be shedding the baggage and just living in the present. I live in the future whenever things don't go my way, whenever I'm restless about my current state, which is often. The upshot of that, of course, is setting yourself up for never truly being happy, I know, but still...I'm going to work on the concept of living in the present. It doesn't have to be a Pollyanna existence, but I talk a good game about being able to shed things when I know I can't control them.....why is it so hard to do that with everyday life? Relinquishing control is different from believing in destiny or accepting fate, but it does have to do with acceptance. Love Momma Zen's blog title today: yield the floor, take the sky.

I'm reading The Heart of Being by Daido Roshi from Zen Mountain Monastery. That'll be one for the home bookshelf; it's a different take on the precepts than Being Upright (Reb Anderson). I'm drawn to the koan study of Master Dogen, but I should/want to acquaint myself with the precepts first. Zen is difficult to wrap your mind around when you've been brought up by the standard public school thinking of read something, absorb it, spit it out, congrats, you've learned it! Zen asks you to study, but turns thinking on its head. Don't think about it by beating yourself over the head with it...allow it to percolate, take on different forms, and what do the forms mean, but be sure to come back to the original thought afterward, and how have the different forms modified how you see the koan, and here's where you're on the right track and here's where you're completely off base, but it's up to you to find the paths to those two opposing tracks......anybody else's head hurt yet? Anyway, I'm still not being a good little zazener, but my mood swings aren't running quite so high either. There's a peace in that. Zen with an Irish temper though...should be interesting, finding my balance.

In the meantime, what do I want for lunch, and is it 5:30 yet? Yeah, ok, I've got a ways to go :)

Just the usual randomness...

Kathy Reichs books aren't easy reads...my last post may have implied that. I'd already started Devil Bones this past weekend, because I have it only on a 7-day checkout from my local library. You've gotta be in the mood for that level of forensic pathology, and it's definitely what sets her apart from your basic beach read. Was glad to see that she dealt with witchcraft responsibly, providing the correct messages (making a point of turning myths on their heads, like that all witches worship Satan...yes, folks, that one's still out there...), and since this story was based in Charlotte, she had a healthy smathering of the Christian hysterics when faced with said religions, but it wasn't to the point of annoying (like real life can be in the South ::wry grin::). This one was quite descriptive of Charlotte; I look forward to owning it and seeing if I can get to know the neighborhoods of my hopeful, fair, future city through her eyes. Yes, I know it's fiction, but I also know she's painting in front of a landscape.

On the off chance people from work actually read this sucker, I won't expound on how my apathy hasn't left yet concerning the ole company. Just putting nose to grindstone and living for the weekends.

This weekend, I want to get off my butt. Or stay on it, but in an upright position while going through a box. I'm going to make some lists and do some thinking. Tired of this year going by so quickly.

Another day, another...

Andie: "Are you going to class today?"
Duckie: "I don't know, you know, I don't think I'm emotionally ready."
Andie: "Oh, go for it; it's virtually painless."

Paraphrased from Pretty in Pink

An homage to the departed John Hughes and a veiled explanation for why I wasn't at work yesterday. Sans lithium, there are mornings where you just know you'll be shredding yourself, and leaving a tiny piece of yourself at work if you go, and it's not a piece you're willing to lose. Unfortunately, there will never come a time when you can say that to an employer, so I went with "under the weather". Close enough. I enjoyed a "Joan of Arcadia" marathon on the newly minted Syfy (geez, that's lame...seriously, what was the point of that switch?), plowed through Kathy Reichs' Devil Bones, and made a slightly strange, but tasty dinner, also paraphrased, from the back of a Stove Top stuffing box.

I'm thinking my future kids will never know true Waldorf; I'm just too plugged in. Was blowing my day in front of the tube yesterday and wishing that I had a laptop, so I could log onto Facebook without missing my show. Pitiful.

Zen Radio repeats itself frequently, but when you're listening to it at work, not everything's sinking in at once, so I'm enjoying the repetitiveness. I haven't dedicated myself to daily zazen in the true sense yet...unfortunately the draw of the PS2 has been taking my free time still. But I'm more mindful while eating and doing daily tasks, so I'm heartened that, ever so slowly, I can integrate these teachings into my life.

Not enough happening at the house lately...my work table has piled up nicely again. I hope to tackle that soon, purge a box or three. I'm also trying to be more cognizant of what we eat, but boy, is it tough to modify your diet when you've gotten used to grab-and-go and too much fast food...

Went to the eye doc Saturday, where I enjoyed the news that a) my nearsightedness had gotten better, which was the cause of my focus issues on the computer, b) I've started the 40-something astigmatism a month early, and c) I could be looking at a future of both contacts and reading glasses because astigmatic contacts in my strong nearsighted prescription run about $600 a pop. I'm not amused. Treated myself to new glasses, so that I can wear them to work occasionally without them sending me 'round the bend hopefully (my current pair don't fit right, too loose and won't hold their shape)....and the contacts/reading glasses thing isn't in the near future yet, so I'm reconciling myself to the concept. Still...and I should be seeing the opthalmologist every 6 months for the lattice degeneration ::hangs head in shame::, because that's something you won't know has degenerated until it's almost too late, so I'm sucking it up and making an appointment, as soon as I can find the paperwork to remind myself who the heck I saw last year. That was a really unpleasant appointment...he shoved little things like matchsticks farther into the sides around my eyeball than any implement should have to go.....so I blew off the idea of the appointment 6 months ago, but since we really do only have one set of eyes, and I kind of like mine, I'll be a good camper and exercise diligence with them from now on. Lattice degeneration (my explanation based on what the doc told me) is where you develop stretch marks on the outside of your eyeball, but that means your cornea is thinner in those areas, so there's danger of corneal tears or retinal detachment. I call them stretch marks, because that's literally what they looked like the couple of times they obstructed my vision...it was like I had a stretch mark in my vision field. Weird and scary...thankfully, haven't had those in over a year. Doesn't mean the ole corneas ain't still stretching though. Promise I'll do better.

Better

Really handy, having the ability to let something go when I realize there's nothing to be done about it.....saves me a lot of stress. I've been this way since kidhood really...Dad was always a "what next?" kind of guy. But I think it got lost when I was lost in my 20s, so it's like it's a new personality trait now. Sweet. Or I'm just a flake :)

Friday. Payday. One more cool check and then I really have to work hard for my money.

Any truth to the notion that employers look down on folks who have free email addresses? I'm trying to decide whether Outlook is worth the money. I've looked at MS Office Home & Student for years now, and thanks to back to school, the price dipped by $50...thinking of asking Husby for that for my birthday. Lord knows we need it.

Zen radio's helping work go by faster...another something to be grateful for. That and the weekend spread out before me with no real plans other than an eye doctor's appointment. I love Fridays.

Finding patience

Can't dig into specifics because with my luck, it'll be the one post that Husby actually reads. He hasn't been on the computer in ages, but if I talk about what we're going through here, Murphy will put a wild hair up his ass.

It's just a really good thing that I'm studying Zen right now. And that I found this delightful (read: informative and free!) thing called Zen Radio. The Mountain and Rivers Order of Zen Buddhism, based at the Zen Mountain Monastery in upstate NY, runs a radio station with live streaming audio...music, stories, koan zazen...I'm listening to it at work and letting the words flow over me and sink into my psyche.

Still, I ache a little today. It shouldn't be this hard. We're good people, we're not greedy. I know that means nothing...there's plenty of bad people bringing children into the world. And it's not a situation we have real control of...I can plot my timing to the day, but thanks to the PCOS, my body may decide not to shoot out an egg that month, so any "trying" would be for naught anyway. I've been hoarding my last 2 Clomid like chocolates, because a) they send me on a hormonal roller coaster, and b) I know the doc won't give us any more, so....what? I don't know...after enough missed months of not even trying (because of Husby's headaches), I don't want to waste the Clomid on an off month. I'm just a little down today...we'll try tonight, but the window's closing fast on this month, may have closed already, and that hurts a little.

Restless

Slept hard last night....interesting how your body reacts to temperature. AC's on the fritz again and it was 86F in the apartment when I woke up this morning, but I almost feel refreshed.

Still, wouldn't mind a little more sleep...pretty sure I slept that hard because I barely moved, cuz I was sticking to the sheets. Yuk! By some miracle, the AC guys pulled up as I was leaving this morning...could've hugged them.

Not that I need an excuse to sit on my butt in the evenings, but there's something freeing about giving myself permission in those conditions...couldn't even look at knitting last night. Read my Kathy Reichs and vegged. And lost water weight.

August in Florida...90s everyday, rain in the afternoon. Pot roast leftovers tonight and laundry. Wild n' crazy life.

Sunday

There's a pot roast on the stove. Husby made a lot of noise about cooking it himself and then crapped out on me, so I took that passive-aggressive energy and whipped it into shape fast. Plowed through the dirty dishes in short order and braised the meat in the dutch oven (Mom's dutch oven, bless her heart...I think it may be the first time I'm using it for the whole cook...last time I did pot roast, I braised and then crockpotted, but we're not that organized around here lately)...in another half hour, I'll put together the potato bundles and flip the meat. Also planning on throwing together Toll House cookies so we have something to snack on this week, but I've got that recipe memorized, so it'll be easy.

There's the beginnings of another semiautobiographical fiction sneaking its way into my head. Y'all who know me, know that I've written an entire novel, that'll probably never get published because it's so rough. I haven't unearthed it in ages. It was written during my first crazy time....a probably 10-year process. Then a couple of years back, we purchased a new computer, I transferred the whole novel to disc (3½" floppy), and was shocked to discover that the new system didn't have a 3½" floppy drive...had no idea they'd become obselete. I know, I know, Kinko's might still have the means to transfer it to CD...just never got around to it. Harder to get up the gumption when you know you're dealing with a significantly flawed work. There's most of a hardcopy here in the apartment, and I'm sure I'll sink into editing it, as the drips and drabs of this new novel start to invade my psyche.

I miss writing, but it's something that has to come to me at its own pace. I certainly don't want to be one of those editors who spends their lives reading other people's writing while dreaming of publishing their own Great American Novel. But the emotions that come with writing are so raw, the editing process gets tricky. But recently it dawned on me that Dad would never read my first novel. That realization really sucked, because I can still remember the pride in his face and voice, as he read my 5th grade reading project to the family that I'd gotten an A++ on. I ache with that knowledge and the damn fricking birthday coming up has me thinking about leaving my mark and all that, while I'm on this planet. My wry wit will only get me so far in this life.

I say my first crazy time, because I kind of feel like I'm going through my second crazy time right now. I recognize that I'll always have the depression, that my lithium deficiency is going to bring out certain eccentricities in my personality. But the last year has also been a roller coaster of hormones as we try to make a small Johnsonette, combined with the grief of figuring out a life without Dad. It's still so very raw, every day. I'm better at pushing it aside for work lately, but whenever I'm allowed to think about it, it still overcomes me. Brings me to tears on the way to work, or knocks my breath out without warning. I thought I knew death before 2007. I had no fucking idea.

Since then, I've occasionally vocalized how I consider myself a writer, but when it comes to that level of loss, there are no words. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, finally finding my words again. They aren't words that will heal anyone else necessarily, but perhaps by hitting the keyboard, I can start to find some peace for me on the subject.

Thursday musings

I'm restless and angry and tired this week, which makes me grateful for the Chamblin's run we did this past weekend, as it gave me a bunch of new (to me) Kathy Reichs books to lose myself in at night and at lunchtime. I'm someone who can read stuff over and over without getting bored, plus there are enough volumes out now on the adventures of Temperance Brennan to keep it interesting no matter which one you pick up. She's a pip, and the forensic end of it is interesting as hell to me...

The new incentive plan was revealed at work; it'll go into effect in 2 pay periods. Yippee. Once again, they've set the bar a pinch too high. Not impossible, just enough to make you work so hard you feel like your brain has turned to oatmeal and begun leaking out your ears by the end of the day, as you stumble bleary-eyed toward your car. But I press on, because in this economy it's the only choice. And I'm recognizing that I need to train myself in certain areas, before I can demand more than what I make now at another employer. Still, living with the frustration in the meantime, not so fun...wearing jeans more during the week now helps, but it also punctuates the feeling/knowledge that I've stopped giving a damn. Which is fine, I mean, everybody's a little jaded around here, just gotta keep that from bleeding over when communicating with a higher-up.

Also inquired about the QC supervisor position again, because it was listed on the incentive sheet...and got the same song and dance about not for the near future. Also caught a vibe that reinforced my position that they're fine with the position itself, just not with any of the candidates who've voiced interest. Not that I'm paranoid or anything /:)

Coworker voiced it well this morning as we were hitting buttons for our respective floors on the elevator..."Which one of those buttons will take us to Friday?"

Rain

I dig it. My Lil Sis and I were conversing about this recently, she doesn't like to get wet. Me, I kind of love it. And these days, it can only improve my hairstyle. Summer's a crappy time for me to be growing out the mane...with my thickness in this humidity, I'm enjoying serious Hermione hair lately. It's a Harry Potter reference...work with me here, people!

We've got a nice thunderboomer passing through this afternoon, and for some reason it reminded me of childhood. We moved to Warren (CT) in the early '80s, and cable TV hadn't hit the backwoods yet. Even when it did, of course, it was nothing like the surplus of garbage we have now, but I digress...so if a storm was coming and we were short on entertainment, we'd kill the lights in the main part of the house and watch it come up from Danbury in our living room. The house on Above All was this great Cape Cod-style with a big-ass, solid (not sectioned) bay window facing south in the living room. Dad got a kick out of weather, and that house's location gave us plenty. We had a wind meter on the roof, one of those things with the cups, that measured velocity, until the weather finally blew the sucker off :)

Life's a swing

Man, lemme tellya, it's a blast being only half on very necessary medication. Just spent the last 48 hours with my little black cloud over my head, and it didn't dawn on me til the middle of last night that it was just another depressive mood swing. Perfectly normal for me. What do I expect? I'm on a nearly untherapeutic amount of Paxil, no lithium, and I eat like a college male. Tack on some candida headaches the past couple of days, and it's yet another wake-up call. Geez, this gets old.

Turns out reading about exercising isn't enough...you have to actually do some. Last two days reminded me that while it's OK to take some much -needed time to yourself, knitting, reading or whatever, that I'd of course feel better if I went walking. Now granted, it's nearly impossible for someone my size to walk in Florida in July except at very specific times of day. The heat headache starts before your heart rate even gets going. I need a treadmill. There is a treadmill at the microscopic fitness facility at my complex, but if there's anyone else in there, it gets smelly fast...the place is literally the size of a bedroom. Anyway, I'm looking at the cheap treadmills at the evil big box store since my birthday's coming up, and in the meantime, doing what I can, getting back on the Kathy Smith kick while watching TV in the evenings, because I have the Heart Walk at the end of September and the Autism Walk in November. Autism Walk, I'm betting, will be just around the track at UNF...they made the one in Orlando very easy since there were so many autistic kids that come to that. But the Heart Walk's a mere 2 months away, it's a 5K, and it's downtown. Wish it was at Riverside, but I think it's Metro Park again...oh well. So I'm reading up on how to treat my body while I start exercising carefully.

While I'm at it, I'm changing the old eating habits again. Helps that we haven't a shred of extra dough for 2 weeks...whatever's in the cabinets will have to do. We're doing pork stir-fry one night this week, I have some salad stuff, and there's a pot roast in the freezer that'll feed us for most of next week. That'll be my last red meat for a while, as I'm going to be working conscientiously at lowering my blood numbers. Cholesterol is passable, but triglycerides are abysmal (unless you're a 400-pound man). Trimming my sugars and fats, switching my ice cream at night for yogurt. My docs thumb their noses at diet soda, but I'm switching...can't have regular diet soda because I'm allergic to aspartame (Nutrasweet/Equal), but apparently Publix makes a diet with Splenda (thank you, Meara!!). While I'm changing habits, that'll be better for me than the decaf sweet tea I currently down at night...until I'm pg ::crosses fingers:: and watching my caffeine intake more carefully.

Baby steps. I'm feeling better today.

Did I say savings account?

I'd laugh if it weren't so painful...went food shopping, indulged a little here and there and the upshot is that we'll be lucky to afford his smokes after the rent and electric get paid. I'm really tiring of this...I mean, it's harder to budget when you don't have a fixed income, never mind that I don't make enough for the both of us. I'm feeling a bit lost. Must shore up the ole motivation once again, and poke Husby with my stick...because we're still trying for small people and lord knows what we'll do if I get stuck on bedrest or something...

Black Friday

Really disenchanted with my company as this week ends...lot of little things. Plus I'm second-guessing myself for not giving them more of a fight about the responsibilities they took away from me and the pay I could be losing. It's such a delicate balance...I mean, I've been with them 9½ years, so it's not like I'll impress them if I suddenly grow a pair. They know enough about me, how I operate, to already have all their notions in place as to who I am as an employee. And I've never been one to buck authority or slam my head against a wall when it's obvious that's what I'd be doing. I admit I didn't balk because the boss I had to deal with intimidates the hell out of me. But it's also about maintaining peace. The last thing you want (say it with me, "in this economy") is to give any part of your company the idea that you're unhappy. Everyone's replacable. They're already unhappy enough about how much (read: little) they pay us. Man, I was thinking about that on the way in today....how minimum wage went up to $7.25/hour. The average copywriter at my company makes $8-$9/hour with incentives that drive it up to $11-$13. When the question of raises was broached at an all-hands staff meeting about 6 months ago, we were basically told that thanks to the economy, we should just be grateful we have jobs. The thing is, I'm finally getting that the economy is just an excuse, a wonderful excuse for them to lean on while they maintain their sweatshop mentality. I haven't received a raise in 7 years! They're lucky the copywriters don't walk.

So I'm motivated. Charlotte has web design and advertising agencies coming out of its ears. That's good and bad, means I have some significant research ahead of me as I weed out the weak from the apparent strong, see where I might fit, where it's smartest to put out the feelers. The good news is how much easier it is now...my gosh, the last time I was doing a significant search like this, it involved a telephone book and a legal pad. Now you just bring up the agency's website.

Hindsight being what it is, I'm almost glad they're dissolving the supervisor position. I'm lousy at towing the line and in adulthood, I've discovered the freedom of saying what you think. Holding my tongue, not so good at. And the fact is that while I do make a good wage, it's very hard for 2 people to live on that wage. So I'm hitting the computer this weekend and starting the process of planning for our move...

While I'm bitching incessantly about lackomoney, our quarterly bonuses came in. Whine decreases just a tad...it'll be nice to have something in the savings account again.

shhhh....

Giving myself permission to slack off a bit at work today, because I pulled high numbers the last 2 days and don't want people getting suspicious of how I spend my time.....have to take advantage of the company while I can, but also avoid the heat.....delicate balance.

No longer pissed per se, just tired ... researching web design companies in Charlotte (quite a few established-looking businesses, thank goodness) as well as publishing outlets...will expand search to include medical outfits probably too, given my small experience in that field. Patients are easier to deal with than regular people. Web design will pay the bucks I need though, so they're first choice.

I really, really want to be out of Jacksonville at the end of our current lease. That's going to require substantial effort on our part, but it's doable. Meara, bless her heart, keeps getting great opportunities at her position that may keep her there a bit longer than originally planned. So maybe Les and I will be the first ones up there, and can get established and then help Mom find a place. It's certainly a ways off, but I can't look at it that way anymore because time's doing nothing but flying lately...this has been such a fast year for me...I'm really curious to if things will slow down like, starting on September 10.....I'm really trying not to think about that damn age I'm turning, but I can't figure any other reason for the way time has flown this year.

This should've been an NC Moving post...nothin' much else going on...neglecting knitting this week, looking forward to weekend, the usual...

Much better

Don't know what it is, but lately when a roadblock or frustration presents itself and invades my psyche, once I figure out that I can't do anything about said stressor, the stress it's creating evaporates. I'm very lucky in this, I know. I used to obsess quite a bit more, and Husby still does, but I'm working with him on it :)

So I wake up this morning in a good place. I chalk up recent events at work to experience and push past it. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a company that's recognized that it's quite top-heavy and is starting to remedy it in the one team that could use another supervisor. This is a company that hasn't given out raises for merit or cost of living in 7 years. It's a company that's surviving the current economic crisis at the expense of the personnel, with wages below average market for the field and a sweatshop mentality. If I really only want to be in Jacksonville another year, it's time to get cracking on fluffing the ole resume and figuring out what fields I can get hired in.

In the meantime, I'm buying another pair of jeans. I'm not dressing up for these people if I don't have to, and jeans and sneaks are very acceptable at my office, unless there's suits giving tours. Wore my jeans and sneaks today (on a Tuesday! ::gasp!::) and it's nice and comfortable and putting me in a better mood for the tasks ahead. Tonight, cleaning the kitchen - it's slipped a little - and brainstorming! And a log cabin blanket that's slowly taking shape.

Wha...?

Seriously, I'm not entirely sure where last week went. It's been busy for me at work and all, but usually I post the random babblings of my life more than once a week. I guess since I did post over at NCMoving, it's not like I dropped off the planet, but still...

I'm in the throes of some decent hormonal mood swings, so I'll be brief...

1) My work is thinking of dissolving the position I've been trying for. This means I'll still have a job, still be doing what I've been doing, just won't have a title or any authority. Pretty ideal considering what a closet case I can be when put in a position of authority, but I'm still kind of pissed. Plus, how do I know I'd still be a closet case? I wasn't medicated at all back when I was in management. Well, then again, I'm barely medicated now...heh...

Edit to this part of the entry: they've stripped me of most of my responsibility. I'm no longer kind of pissed, I'm pretty fully pissed. And feeling underappreciated. And tired, tired, tired of the BS. Ah well...

2) I'm pretty sure summer is epitomized in pictures like the avocado and tomato sandwich over at beauty that moves. I wanted to drop everything and drive to Native Sun for fresh everything when I saw that photo.

3) Just remembered another reason I wasn't blogging last week...serious family drama on my husband's side, and didn't want to blab too much. It's just a lousy situation, and if I had my way, we'd be fighting for custody of our niece; but it's not feasible/we'd get a fight from his folks.

4) Knitting a bit, not reading much, but I've gotten smart about the ole hormonal enslavement and I don't even try to accomplish much when it's on. Did a whole lot of laying around yesterday, and am glad I did.

Something about a Monday...

"Today is a new day with no mistakes in it yet."
~ Anne of Green Gables, L.M. Montgomery

Every once in a while, I don't strap on my little black cloud to head out into a Monday. I find that I have that newly hatched feeling, where the brain's awake enough to have positive ideas and work is more tolerable as a result. I'd still like to be about anywhere other than strapped to my cubicle, but the work day will last as long as it lasts, and then I'll be free to catch up on laundry, make a meal plan for the week, read, knit on the log cabin blanket I'm optimistically hoping to create for our king-size bed, and poke the husband with a stick.

The rain's picked up around here and everything smells green. I spent parts of the weekend helping Mom out. She had minor hand surgery on Friday, and her little dog got sick that afternoon. A sigh-worthy vet bill and rather hilarious amount of medications later (5 different meds for a 5-pound dog!? Oh, I get it, one med per pound...), Chloe's rallying slowly. Mom's rallying faster; she had a finger that was locking and this procedure released it, but still, trying to shove meds down a dog's throat with a wrapped-up hand is an exercise in patience. The critter looked traumatized after we got through with her midday regimen yesterday, poor thing. Then Sunday I went over to help vacuum and dust, which was almost more psychological than sanitary, as Mom keeps a pretty clean place already. Someone should do a study on how vacuum cleaner tracks on a carpet instills a feeling of calm and order in the universe.

Tack a couple of hours at the office on Saturday to catch up from taking the day off on Friday, and the darn weekend went by fast as a result. But I was able to relax a bit and do so without guilt. That's always tricky for me on the weekends, slacking without feeling bad about it. Helps that the floor space in the ole apartment hasn't gotten cluttered up. Since I'm back to 5-day weeks (had a couple of weeks there where it was one day off here, one day off there), I'm hoping to tackle small projects in the evenings, so I won't be so putting-my-eggs-in-one-basket about the weekends. Tired of having grandeous ideas about accomplishing things on the weekends, and getting to the end of said weekends with distinct lack-of-accomplishment feeling. Harder to get motivated after the task of creating decent meal and cleaning kitchen every evening, but it helps that there ain't dick on TV right now. In the fall, it'll require a bit more willpower.

Then there's exercise. I've signed up for two 3-mile walks this fall, the Heart walk in September and the Autism walk in November. I've gained 20 pounds of McDonald's and Starbucks (not in that order) in recent months, and I'm trying to get pregnant in a body that's probably fighting that very prospect. Something clicked this weekend. If I can't get motivated to exercise first thing in the morning, then I'll start in the evenings while I'm watching TV and once it's habit, expand the concept. I'm reading some new books on getting healthy, and getting over to Native Sun or RAM for our produce.

Randomness:
Still pondering the planting thing...haven't given up exactly, but I'm dashed as to if it's even possible to grow anything where I live. Between the squirrels and the heat, my hands are pretty tied.

Been very scatterbrained where purses are concerned lately, changing them out practically once a day...the cat and I are getting along better than usual...Husby's head flares up a little worse in summer because of the barometric pressure during storms.

Rainy Wednesday

I'm lost as to the logic of mowing the lawn in the rain. This can't just be a Dad-ism that I've picked up...doesn't it make sense that rain weighs down the grass, so you're not cutting it so much as mashing it when you run a mower over it when it's soggy. We had good soaking rains start up in the wee hours this morning, and the landscapers were out at my complex doing their thing Wednesday like it was normal out. I suppose it's a negligible offense to the grass, since they already force it to grow where it wouldn't normally and spread god-knows-what on it to control bugs and weeds. But still, how do you go about a job like that and not feel like a Darwin award recipient? Don't get me started on the leaf blowers...

Looks like we're expecting rain the rest of the week. Good, we need it. I know the New Englanders are starting to feel like they're drowning, but it hasn't been normal down here since late May where rain is concerned. Could use the catchup...sun was trying to burn through the clouds in the midst of a good soaker this morning, saw a rainbow on the way to work :)

Started third panel on log cabin blanket, feeling this knitting in my upper arms...switched from straights to circulars and dug out the worsted Red Heart in my stash. When Yarn Harlot came to town, I won a gift package that included a set of 48" 10½s...nice to finally put 'em to use.

Finally cracked the Pagan Book of Living and Dying...glad I did, it's speaking to me, reminding me of stuff I'd forgotten. Pagans lapse just like Christians, and it's been ages since I've read anything on the craft.

Heart Walk coming up in September and Mom being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes has me thinking hard once again about my health...

Floor space

Happy 4th, rah, rah! I'm just not the most patriotic gal...don't know why. My patriotism went up a notch when we elected Obama into office, but there's enough history for us to be not proud of, that I have trouble remembering that we're still the coolest country with regards to personal liberty, freedom of speech/religion, etc. Hard to remember that stuff, when we still don't let gays marry in like, 42 states, and this Reclaiming/Feri witch currently studying Buddhism still has to keep her philosophical opinions to herself in most of the South.

So it's good that Mom dragged me out on Saturday evening. Les would've liked to come with, but the weather's been quite Julyish around here, so his head/body wouldn't have been able to take it. Lord, it was warm! Between the weather and the AC on the fritz this weekend, I'm pretty sure I've lost any water weight I had to spare....still catching up. Metro Park was hosting the annual concert and fireworks, so Mom and I went out to mingle with the unwashed masses and catch Richard Marx and Pat Benatar. Chagrined to admit ... I had a blast! Marx put a rockin' spin on most of the fluff he played from the '80s, and Benatar still has her pipes. Played my personal fave ("Invinsible") as well as all her big hits...terrific concerts! Everyone brings blankets and chairs and parks on the grass...I went to buy a new camp chair and confirmed what I feared: I've outgrown the weight limit on the average camp chair, literally. So I purchased a cushioned stadium seat instead, so that I'd have a straight back for leaning against when sitting on the grass...did the trick nicely and was another eye-opener.

Another thing...the fireworks were excellent!! Jacksonville sets them off from 2 barges in the river, plus strobes and sparkly stuff on the Main Street and Acosta bridges. We were directly in front of one batch and even with the almost-full moon had a clear view...never seen them do different shapes before, like butterflies and stars, plus the swirlies after the initial bang, and colorscolorscolors!

Yes, the AC was on the fritz most of the weekend...that was an 80+ degree blast, she said sarcastically. Got up to 84 in the apartment at one point, yeesh, it was miserable trying to sleep in that. Maintenance came out on Sunday and chastised us for not having a filter, as its lack was clogging up the system. Les gave it a good brushing and it cooled down finally yesterday evening. So with maintenance's impending visit, it lit a fire under my butt and I emptied the apartment of some stuff...loaded the latest Goodwill donations into the car, recycled the old filing cabinet and plastics (FINALLY!!!), and sent the typewriter table to the dumpster. Also moved the new wooden cabinet down off its friend and onto my work table, which opens up the feel of the main room, and the purging gives us more floor space than I've seen in oh, years. Holy cow, I'm loving that floor space! Gave the kitchen a surface cleaning too, still keeping the dishes from piling up for the most part, and my head is in a much better place where that apartment is concerned.

Going to sand down the rough spots on the smaller wooden cabinet, restain it, make repairs if needed, and paint it, I think, and then empty and do the same to the bigger one. I've been knitting kitchen washcloths, have 2 socks on the needles, and I started an acrylic log cabin bedspread, motivated by Yarn Harlot and the urge to get the serious amounts of acrylic yarn that have been gifted to me by Mom J onto needles or out of the house.

A Quickie...

no, not that kind...get your head outta the gutter!

Four people got moved to different positions within my company, and the upshot is I still have a shot at the Supervisor position I've been basically doing for the past 6 months...brushing up on my experience, my sucking up, and my people skills, in about that order...when they get their crap together, I'll interview with about half a dozen higher-ups (yeesh!) and then we'll see. Thinking my skills will beat out the other girl I know was looking at the position, but not taking anything for granted...

Survived helping Lil Bro move by being smart and careful on the stairs, not carrying more than I could handle, and moving slow. Sweat a pile of water weight off, and am feeling good, motivated to continue working out in some capacity in the evenings.

Cell phone's down, home phone's plugged back in...we're really tight on money til my next payday :( Plenty of food in the larder tho' so just gotta get creative.

Plugging along...looking forward to another 3-day weekend :)

No gnus...

Air conditioner running about 7 degrees above where it's set...I love living in an old building. AC unit itself is only 2 years old, it's the building that can't take the heat. My enjoyment of the warmth of Florida is finally waning...it was brutal this past weekend.

Work's very busy, and I'm wiped from helping Lil Bro move last night...offering my services again tonight, so brain and body are tired. Real post tomorrow with update on how the company's continuing to use me cheap.

Delicious free friday

Errands...maybe Chamblin's...maybe new farmer's market over at St. Johns...keep TV off, the news is frickin' surreal...

RIP Ed, Farrah, Michael...I know they go in threes, but boy, was this a unique week!

Nice to read blogs and hear about something other than the death of the King of Pop. I'm willing to overlook his weirdness in deference to the amazing talent and creativity, but I really don't give a rat's ass about the opinion of the fan who's been camped out at the Apollo all night...

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Two times a bridesmaid, already a bride

Afraid of posting the picture, don't want to slip into any copyright infringement territory, so here's the site link.

I went to sleep last night thinking about this dress and woke up this morning with it on my mind. I want to be forced to have alterations done on it, because it turns out to be too big when it comes in. I want to have a body that deserves a dress that pretty.

Yeah, ok, obsessing a little. Went bridesmaid dress shopping last night with Christy, my best friend since the 6th grade. They actually had one or two things in my size, so I tried stuff on with the rest of them, and it was surprisingly fun. With my body, I liken any shopping experience to trying on bathing suits, but fancy dresses are definitely different. The one that fit looked really matronly on the hanger, but I carried it better on. But I wasn't crazy about the brooch at the waist and it felt too...bulky or something. So her friend Vonn and I went back out to look some more, and I happened upon this one. It was in a size that Christy could try on for me to see, and I just knew. We're going with a Midnight Pearl color, a really deep navy blue, and while I'm recognizing it's going to be a little more form-fitting than some of the styles we were heading toward, Diana (another friend) was kind enough to note that the sweetheart neckline and cap sleeves (which fall naturally to the sides if desired) will be complementary to my body shape. So pregnancy plans and big body be damned, we ordered it in my current size and it should come in in September. She's not getting married until 10/10/10.

The side-gathered waist with the leaf applique spoke to my earthy nature. The lightly jeweled bodice made me feel like a girl, and I didn't even try the sucker on. Christy tried on and ended up purchasing a gown for the rehearsal dinner, because it looked amazing on her, the style spoke to hers, and I was reminded that it's important to have one/some of these kinds of dresses in your closet. I want to go walking right now, get in better shape, so that when I slip that dress on finally, my thoughts won't be on how disappointed I am in my body. Gotta tone my arms too. And get back on the Bean. And...

Am I being too...something? Probably, sure, but can it be wrong if it does motivate me properly? This wedding, however far in the future, will be a big deal, fancy with serious dough invested. I'm proud to be standing with my pal as she finally hooks her guy. I want it to be an amazingly happy day where my mind isn't constantly on how thank god the cap sleeves hide my flabby arms. Ridiculous, sure, but the negative voices in my head are unmerciful where my body is concerned. I can't have too many reasons to do right by me.

And then we went to Cheesecake Factory and blew any chance of it fitting when it comes in :) I kid, it was a delicious meal, and I was grateful, as I couldn't afford to go dutch this time.

Christy's a jewelry artist, and in the near future I'll be figuring out how to create a website to showcase her talents and hopefully get her selling her beautiful work. Just dawned on me, that Etsy might be more low-maintenance than creating something from scratch. Her stuff's more high-end than some of the stuff you'll find on Etsy, but it's completely handmade, so it certainly qualifies. Might be a nice jumping-off point...

Overheard they're going to be pushing weekend work, so much for my three-day weekend :( We're inheriting more furniture on Sunday...shhhh! haven't told Husby yet! Looking forward to next weekend's 3-day stretch for the holiday, and this weekend's extra work is motivating me to do more with my evenings. Hate when I can't rely on the weekends for wind down though.

Still organized...and a shout out...

Day Two of the Great Clean Kitchen experiment!

Only threw together Hamburger Helper last night because I knew I'd be working late, and I wanted something leftover-y today for Husby, because I'm doing dinner out with Christy. Put away dry stuff, washed pans, wiped down counters...using the washcloth I knitted a while back, and started a new one, because I'm liking having those around. I woke up this morning just knowing that it was going to be one of those morning where time flew, so I steered clear of the idiot box and jumped in the shower, threw together lunch and breakfast easily again. Need to be leaving the idiot box off altogether and doing yoga in the mornings to wake the body up...there's virtually nothing on of interest at that hour anyway, and this being summer in Florida, I already know the weather report (partly sunny or cloudy, depending on your point of view; high mid-90s, chance of rain 40%).

My new work bag is a beeyootiful fabric tote from the talented hands of Beauty That Moves, a kindred spirit from the Nutmeg State. The lousy photo is courtesy of my pay-as-you-go POS cell phone, but I was so tickled to have successfully sent a picture from my phone, I just had to put it on today's post. Yes, Melanie's a shade behind technologically...seriously though, it's a good thing we're back to not having money to blow on stuff, or else I'd be further cluttering up our pit of despair with the typewriter and suitcases in her vintage store. Heather's in the midst of farmer's market season, so her handmade shop stuff will trickle in online in the coming weeks as the bulk of her stock goes to the locals, but it's a fun place to dream, plus she's a good influence in the eating healthy department...check her out!

Something about a clean kitchen...

Got home from work last night and dove in, plowed through the dishes, cooked a decent meal, cleaned dishes from said meal, put away leftovers, fixed coffee for next morning, filed away idea for next day's lunch in head, and then went and relaxed. It was something like 9 p.m. when I finally hit the couch...and I don't even have kids to wrangle. Imagine the time I'd save if the kitchen was cleaned, oh say, almost every night! (Better yet, every night, of course, but let's throw some training wheels on first).

Having a clean kitchen is practically an aphrodisiac for me...I'm happier, more confident, certainly more organized. I'm able to plan things like decent meals, keeping the cookie jar full...felt so damn good about this simple accomplishment last night, it took me extra long to wind down, but I woke up in an OK mood and was able to have a relaxed breakfast and throw together today's lunch with ease. I'm thinking about baking bread, but that won't happen til Friday probably.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting my best friend Christy at St. Johns, where we'll check out bridesmaids' dresses and grab dinner and visit (she's getting married next year). Hope she's not expecting a lot of trying on...I doubt they have many of size ehem-cough-cough in stock. I'm taking Friday off, just for poops and giggles (originally was driving Mom to get her hand operated on, but it was rescheduled), so Thursday night will probably be a decompression evening. Work's weird lately, new boss, the girl I've been working closely with is on vaca, and there's very little work to be had, so we're kind of at loose ends.

I'm still not minding the heat...who AM I this summer?!

Modifications of Thought

I'm beginning to recognize that I'm not meant to keep plants that require any sort of care out on our porch. Literally, one of the things I'll look for in a house next year is a north-south exposure. My herbs aren't doing well, and the wildflowers never even tried to poke up. The rains haven't been regular since that spurt in May, and I get home from work so fried mentally I forget we even have a porch with attempted herbal food sources on it.

I'd forgotten that the problem with reading Kingsolver's book (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle) is that you then go to the average grocery store and realize that there isn't a single blessed thing there that you feel safe/moral about buying/wasting your money on. I stood looking at the eggs for like, 5 minutes, because I couldn't decide if we could afford organic from a grocery store brand that I didn't trust to be truly organic to begin with, or if we needed the eggs badly enough to go Eggland's Best once more...which are delicious if you can keep from thinking about the cages stacked to the ceiling housing the poor critters that are giving you the protein. We're tight on dough the next couple of weeks, so the Eggland's won out, but I dream of 10 years from now, when I see a mortgage with a decent yard for gardening and a couple of layers to eliminate the issue altogether. Gotta stop talking about that and start making it happen...talking really does only go so far where dreams are concerned.

Native Sun isn't open Sundays, or else I'd have gone there...I'm back to wanting all my veggies from that place. Saturday was a wash, never made it to the market...the whole weekend was a wash, went by like lightening, and I look on the new week with an impatience. The kitchen never even got cleaned. I spent yesterday in a bit of a fog, plowing through laundry at Mom's and missing Dad. Settled my brain with some sock knitting end of day, but I'm itching to get us eating better evening meals again, working a menu plan, making more from scratch...

weekendweekendweekend...t-minus 3 hours and counting.....

Meara's boss, T: "So lemme get this straight...you're having a funeral in the morning and a wedding reception in the afternoon?"
Meara: "Yeah, that's how we roll."

Yeah, ok, little weird...but it's a timing thing. Mom's fam is spread out all over the frickin' nation from California to New England to Florida. My Uncle Mike got married last month and they'd planned their reception for a month later (this weekend). Sandie went to Summerland at the beginning of this month with zero previous plans regarding after her demise, as she had hoped to donate her body to the local university. There was this kind-of "now what?" feeling hanging out there. So since half the fam was going to be in Ohio anyway, celebrating Mike and Susan's nuptials, they figured.....yeah, I know, still a little weird. But death brings family together; all the remaining 9 kids found a way to travel out there this weekend...it'll be a bittersweet time.

That said, I wish I could be there. Haven't seen most of that crowd since 1992. Hence my comment last post about getting savings accounts going...we should be traveling more. Of course, I say that when gas prices are just starting to jack up again.

Work's a bit grueling, sales are down, QC is caught up and then some...no matter how secure your job may seem, having nothing to do is scary. Gets me thinking...

Food and new bosses and rain and...

Just some randomness...

New boss is prettier than her pictures...unless it's not her. Googled her pretty soon after finding out her name the other day, and the qualifications match...

"I'm not a misanthrope. I just think most people are assholes."
~ Melanie J.

Case in point...we've had two emails so far today about people who left the lights on on their cars. Yes, that leans more toward a dingbat moment than an asshole moment, but I mean, unless you moved to Florida yesterday, you should be pretty used to having your lights on during hurricane season regardless of the time of day. Said to Meara, I must not suffer fools well....until I leave my lights on, that is.

Rediscovered Pioneer Woman today, thanks to another misanthrope, my buddy over at Forthwith, and am drooling over her recipes. Found out today that I'm probably inheriting another cabinet, and while that'll probably freak out the Husby (as I've mentioned before, we're kind of up to our ears in furniture in the smoke-filled pit we call home), I'm really looking forward to stacking it on my current free-standing cabinet so I can have easy access to the rest of my kitchen tools. They both need to be sanded down, minor repairs done, and refinished, maybe even painted. My wheels are turning...

My brain is already in weekend mode...there's boxes to be gone through, neglected plants to be salvaged, cooking and baking and veggie shopping, and lord knows what else to keep me busy. Mom and Meara head out of town tomorrow to Ohio; the family is memorializing Aunt Sandie on Saturday morning and then celebrating my Uncle Mike's new marriage that afternoon. Wish I could've gone, but there's no way...we're back to normal in the money department these days, and now that I'll be editing again soon...I'm a little nervous about the finances. Plus our insurance premiums went up, starting next check. So tack budgeting further onto that list for the weekend, because I've been thinking lately about how I want a) a savings account specifically for emergencies like car trouble, cat illness, and family members dropping dead, and b) to really look at the move, what's standing in our way credit-wise, and how to realistically plow over those obstacles and get our butts up to Charlotte (or Columbia or ...).

Maybe Riverside Arts Market this weekend for the veggies.....and Chamblin's for a book run. Laundry at Mom's...what else...?

Breathe

So. Back to straight editing after about a week helping the new manager transition. I'm pretty OK with it for now. Allows me to relax about my responsibilities a bit, while simultaneously jump-starting my productivity, as I'm pretty sure I've been making more as an interim supervisor than I will in regular editing...meaning I'll have to produce well to make the same money. It sucks, but what can you do in a company that doesn't feel the need to pay the going rate...

It's time to really assess how to manage a move next year. My company doesn't pay fairly for remote work, so freelancing for them isn't a possibility unless Les gets a decent job. He's looking into vocational rehab programs and government career help, but until we settle, wherever that may be, we're in limbo. It's time to truly look at how we can shape our vocational futures.

The next year

So they hired a new QC manager. Another outsider, but this one seems more qualified, more in tune with our business, so I'm keeping an open mind for now. Thing is, it probably boots me out of the position I've held for 6 months. I have an appointment later today with my higher-up to assess my position.

When you're...
a) trying to create small people in your body
b) hoping to move the hell out of your current city within the next year +
c) the sole breadwinner in your family
d) a victim of this lousy economy
...how the frick do you assess where you want to go in your current job?!

I'm not a huge fan of management positions, but I'm not about to shoot myself in the foot either. I'm doubtful they think of the QC supervisor position as large enough to split in two, and truthfully it isn't, but I'm not sure I exactly want to go back to straight editing either. There's a trainer position that was just vacated...I may playfully inquire about it. In the meantime, trying to do my regular job while pondering what the heck I'm going to say to the boss...wish me luck!

Back to reality

Weekend was OK. Survived with few ripples. Kept my mouth shut like a good girl. Sisinlaw's probably not pregnant, just her addictions have screwed up her cycle. I'm not worrying about it. My niece is developmentally behind and still addicted to the tube. Needs nursery school badly once she's potty trained. It makes me sad, that we're not there enough to combat the damage that's being done. Not my problem, I know, but still...beautiful kid. Do what you can, move forward. The inlaws talk about changing things, but it'll take something seriously rocking their world for that to happen, I think. It's a shame, but until I'm a parent and can truly understand their pain, I'm not about to stick my opinion in. Still...

Did get lots of relax time, which was nice. Plowed through a beginner's book on Zen, and restarted Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Kingsolver, which I'm knee deep in now and it's motivating me nicely. Worked on one sock, started another...

Summer's burst through in all its glory down here, temps hit the 90s this week. I'm in a really good place right now and enjoying it, which is really strange for me...normally I start hating Florida with an unmatchable vengance around now and that feeling sticks around til oh, say, October...December if it's a particularly warm year. But for some reason, I'm adapting...like I've said earlier, I think it helps that I'm wearing shirts that fit, don't feel the need to layer to hide myself so much. Certainly not letting anything hang out if I can help it, but I'm comfortable in short sleeves...

Also been getting more exercise, mostly not on purpose yet, and ate better while I was there, so I dropped a couple of pounds and am not so achy, which is REALLY motivating me to continue that feeling :)

Oh, and Figaro's been noisy and needy since we've been back, but did not crap in the tub. Progress :)

On my high horse

I stopped lying to protect other people's feelings sometime after college. Just couldn't see the point in hedging the truth. Drove Mom and Meara nuts, because we Lyons' kept quite a bit of "stuff" from Dad, things that just weren't worth the tantrum that would ensue if he knew. I had trouble seeing the point of that dishonesty, but I also had the luxury of living outside the house by then, away from the fights. Still, I try to live kind of authentically, so on the big stuff, like Les moving in with me, I told Dad straight-out what was going on, before we even moved back to Jacksonville. He didn't speak to me for 6 months. I was 27. So you get that I kind of get the cost of telling the truth.

But what about when the person involved is doing harm to themselves, and would be doing harm to an unborn child? The argument's still academic; we don't know if my sisinlaw is pregnant or not. But if she is, I just don't see any good discussion coming out of my reaction. I can't be happy for them at all; I think if she is pregnant, she should have an abortion. But if I voice that, her addict mind will see it as jealousy because we're trying to get pregnant. So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't...

I'm going to be silent. What's nice is I'm not even jealous. Can't imagine being in her sitch, being in love with such a blatant loser and blind to it. The guy hasn't paid child support on his other 2 kids in over 3 years; how can she even think of having more children with him? Neither of them take any responsibility for their lives, and they're both in their 30s. It baffles me.

I've been reading my Zen books and have reached a peace where I believe that I will get pregnant eventually, so I'm totally OK with not being pregnant right now. That will carry me while I'm up there, but I still don't know how I'm going to manage to hold my tongue if it turns out to be true, hold it for 3 solid days.

Remembering

Happy Birthday, Papa!

Would've been 70 today.

New show on FOX, Mental...wouldn't be much at all if it weren't for the Kiwi heading the cast...he's quite yummy. But last night's ep had David Carradine guesting as a patient, so I had to watch. Something in his face reminds me of Dad. Turned out to be a tough one...his character illustrated what my dad had always feared, being trapped in his body in a vegetative state. Dad watched Popie spend a year as a turnip before passing, so he was vehement about the ole DNR. And it turned out Carradine's character wasn't brain-damaged, but was wracked with guilt about his wife's death, so he'd shut down, voluntary catatonia. I could see Dad doing that too...had a blast transferring emotion last night. Carradine played the whole role without uttering a word; it was a powerful performance. I don't give a damn about the sexual proclivities that probably killed him; the guy was an artist.

Prepping for SC...packing light this time, doing laundry here; don't want to put out his folks any more than we have to, as they have enough worries. We head up after work tomorrow night, come back Monday. I'm trying to stay positive, but preparing myself for at least one blow-up while we're there. LilSisinLaw is visiting from Columbia, that'll help diffuse some tension maybe, plus having little niece tearing up the joint...I'm thinking of heading out early Saturday to tramp through Hitchcock Woods, praying the weather holds while we're up there. And that the cat refrains from crapping in the tub while we're gone, as a way of getting back at us for leaving her.

Better

Definitely hopped on my mood swing and went out to play today...

So, ok, I haven't even started meditating yet. It's one of those things that I keep telling myself I'll start, like yoga...except this week I'm actually starting the yoga...probably...::sigh::

After that written explosion about family drama, I was wandering through some of my fave blogs...SouleMama, MommaZen...and without thinking too hard on it, something reminded me to find my breath. So I did. And I started looking up fresh titles at my local library that could help me toward that endeavor. And sure enough, it helped! I'm much more chilled about things to come this weekend, looking forward to seeing family, not obsessing about fights that may not happen. When I catch myself going over and over in my head about their situation, something reminds me that it's not even my problem. I may get drawn into it in little ways, but nothing I do will change their situation, so why worry? Touch of Dale Carnegie there too...

Much better :)

F*ck fate!

I'm trying really hard to understand a god that would tease about my sister-in-law possibly being pregnant while simultaneously making it so hard for me to conceive...

My sister-in-law is an unfit mother. She's 30-something, abuses prescription meds, lives with her folks/my inlaws, and her significant other (who lives with them) is an addict who can't hold a job. Her daughter is my niece, the one I lament is being raised by my mother-in-law and Sprout TV. Mother-in-law's doing the best she can, but she's also caring for her 87-year-old mother, who also lives in the house and is in less-than-perfect health.

I so don't want to visit them this weekend. My SIL, whether she's pregnant or not, won't understand in the slightest that this isn't a blessed event, that most everyone in the family would be on the side of abortion, if it turns out to be true. I know that's lousy to think, but I can't help it....she doesn't take good enough care of her first child for me to think a second child will fare any differently. Her parents enable her and the sig oth by letting them stay there rent-free, but this will be a straw to break the camel's back and explode a significant amount of family drama, probably in the near future. I don't want to be there for that. Call me selfish. It's hard enough to accept that we had to let another month go by. May was a not-trying month for us; Les's head was just too lousy to play through the pain. I don't want to be anti-social, but I see myself spending a pile of time outdoors this weekend, because that house will be way too f*cking small with all of them there. Never mind the chances of her baby being born addicted if it's true. I still can't believe K's developing relatively normally (my niece).

I'm a recovering self-abuser, haven't had those urges in quite a while; but when Les told me they were taking SIL for bloodwork to confirm/disprove pregnancy, I wanted to put my fist through something. Literally saw red for a moment there. I want a child so badly, I'm finally taking steps to improve my health, while my body marches inexorably toward 40, and SIL may be bringing another mouth into the world that she can't feed. I really don't understand.

Well, now...

There are certain life landmarks you're doomed to always remember. June 5 is one for me. We really should've donated what was left of my dad's body to science, because his aorta was a testament to the incredible skills of the doctors at Yale New Haven 27 years ago. We were told when his aorta began dissecting the 2nd time, 2 years back, that it was happening in an area away from the original graft. That sucker held fast while the rest of the aorta gave up the ghost. Never mind the number of people who actually live through an aortic dissection. No wonder we love on Meara so fiercely...it's kind of amazing she's here at all.

I was 12, starting to feel the pangs of puberty, and only semi-looking forward to a day of errands with Dad. The guy softened a lot as he got older, but back then, he was quite awkward and hard to talk to. We lived 2 lives, the life when he was traveling and the life when he was home, and the two didn't exactly mesh. You were always on guard for a verbal explosion. In his defense, the guy had cyclical headaches that he only treated with aspirin back then.

I've told this story here before...Dad has seizure, we meet EMT or floating RN lady at the Chuck Wagon, where the three of us huddle in the car in a rainstorm while she checks his vitals and assesses his stability. Ambulance arrives, we're transported to New Milford Hospital, I give them as much info as I can in my bewilderment, we can't track down Mom because she's on a Cub Scout field trip with Cyril...Marnie, my best friend's mom, comes to get me. The things you remember in one of these situations...the sarcasm I felt when they said that Father Smith was the pastor on call and would Dad like to talk to him? Father Smith was a hell-and-brimstone reverend, our least favorite of the three priests at that church. Marnie drove home propped up on pillows, because when she came to get me, Bill and Christy were out in her car, and she couldn't get Bill's seat to move forward.

I thought I understood mortality back then. Instead I understood the fear associated with impending mortality. Is that redundant? I guess it's not possible to grasp death until you're presented with it in someone truly close to you. I went to plenty of funerals, it seemed, when I was a kid...there was a stretch there where there was always one person or another dropping. I'd see the person in the open casket, move my lips along with the rosary or the Stations of the Cross, but something didn't sink in. At that age, I suppose it's normal...brain only takes in so much. Open caskets don't help either...I remember just touching Popie lightly on the forehead with one finger...it was cool and eerie, but it also just seemed like he was sleeping, so there was an unreal quality to the proceedings for my 9 or 10 year old mind. When Popie went, that hurt, to be sure, and I was sad and missed him, but it didn't have that "wait, you mean, I'm NEVER going to see him again in this life" finality that death has on me now. I remember experiencing confusion when I saw Nanie break down at Popie's casket when they started lowering him. I was so young.

June's hard. There's today, Dad's birthday on the 10th, Father's Day later this month, and in between, these stretches of truly gorgeous weather as summer kicks it up a notch and hangs out in all its green glory down here. Something catches in my chest as I remember Dad can't appreciate any of it anymore. But beyond that is this anger welling inside me that I don't take better care of myself. I have this stranglehold on life, don't have any intention of leaving this plane of existence for at least my alloted 90 years or so, if my genes continue to cooperate, so why do I insist on trying to shorten it with too much food and not enough activity? I think about how Dad enjoyed the outdoors, how every weekend took him outside to putter in the garage, mow the lawn and edge, with his straw hat on and his determined posture. He knew his time had been shortened, that he was on a damn tightrope now, so he plowed forward with life the only way he knew how. It wasn't running away, it was coping. I used to think he was so afraid of life, but now I see it differently, because I've inherited the same personality trait. Something comes up to block our paths, we assess it, set it aside, and move forward, because dwelling on it ain't gonna make it go away. So ok, it's there, what's next? There's a level of acceptance there that has nothing to do with giving up. The difference is I still have plenty of tools in my possession to change my fate. I won't expound more on that, because it's been done here, ad nauseum, until I feel like a failure before I've truly started.

So...this weekend. Man, I love Fridays. There's a bit more cleaning to be done, some more reorganizing. I'm thinking of hitting Chamblin's this weekend, because I'd like to look for a copy of the Pagan Book of Living and Dying. Plants have been neglected a bit, so I'll water and trim the herbs, try round #2 on the wildflowers, and ponder starting the veggies again. We'll stay close to home this weekend, because money's tight, but I'm poking the husband with a stick more. It hurts that I can't afford to go up to Ohio to the memorial they're planning for Aunt Sandie. It's why we need more than just a savings account; we have to start truly saving. I emptied it for Husby's birthday, and that's OK, definitely needed to be done, but it's time to really start planning and budgeting, because between baby trying and move planning, these next 15 months are going to fly by.

And the wheel turns again...

Godspeed, Aunt Sandie!

To paraphrase my Lil Sis, I think I'm getting a little tired of funerals...

My Mom is 4th of 10 kids ( 6 girls, 4 boys), a pigpile of descendants of Irish, English, and German lineage with strong Roman Catholic ties. My grandfather was a child prodigy, graduated high school at 15 and studied law at Fordham; Grandma was a full-time child wrangler. My grandparents grew into functioning alcoholics and the kids ran pretty wild, though I'm sure it seemed wilder to my Dad when he visited than it actually was, as his upbringing was considerably more buttoned-down. He was friends with Moe, 3rd from the top in that clan, and found my Mom through him.

Agnes (Sandie) Lane Gassman was #7, the 5th girl. Divorced, one daughter. Bleeding heart liberal, peace-loving flower child. She suffered from Reiter's Syndrome, a form of reactive arthritis. The research I did this morning, coupled with the family's take on her condition, leads me to believe she contracted it from a virulent strain of conjunctivitis in her youth. It's also likely genetic, but quite rare. Her body broke down piece by piece over the years; she had both hips replaced at least once, as well as repair work done on one ankle that left it fused permanently. She lived on Social Security disability after the divorce, and struggled with alcoholism and depression. We won't know what took her; they're not asking for an autopsy. She was found yesterday in her apartment.

She had a screwy sense of humor, was quite opinionated, and loved to interact with people, so it was hard on her when her daughter got married and started her own family... no one's fault of course, just life, so she'd combat it by calling every sibling and friend she was in good relations with to chat. She loved flowers and her grandkids, and because her condition limited her ambulation, she became quite the Internet troller.

I had the pleasure of traveling with her a few years back. My brother was in the Army, stationed at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri, and was graduating from basic training. Meara was in school and couldn't make the trip, and my folks declined as well, so I traipsed over to MO by Greyhound. Sandie lived in St. Louis; I met her there, we drove to Fort Leonard Wood, got a hotel, and went to his graduation the next day. She couldn't have been living on much, but she gave Cyril $100 as a present for graduating. I think that was kind of her all over, giving of herself where she could.

The realist part of me doesn't really believe in Summerland or heaven, but I use it for comfort. My Uncle Joe mentioned my dad's name in a post on the family website among the people that Sandie's with now...I was walking back to my desk a while ago, and the thought came to me, "well, now Dad will have someone up there to really debate with." My dad was as conservative as she was liberal, and I know he respected her opinionated nature, even while thinking she was completely misguided. I imagine some lively debates coming up as Obama proves himself and we as a country dig ourselves out of our economic mess. Wish I could see them in action...

Weekend

Arts market with RoboMommie...really nice...new earrings...Gene's Hot Dogs rock!...

Sunday, tucked into dining area...unearthed table in dining room, finally put files into filing cabinet...took all day, but that area's manageable now...reliefreliefrelief...

While I didn't do a significant amount of heavy lifting this weekend, I've been experiencing significant all-over soreness...taking it easy for a day or two...

We interrupt this blog for a discourse on rain...

I think I figured out why this advent of summer is speaking to me...it dates back about 23 years. When my folks decided to move from NC to FL, Dad came down first to start work and find a house to rent. I remember him talking about the summer schedule of the rain, how every afternoon around 3 or so, the sky would darken, dump water, and then go back to normal. Being an impressionable Yankee and a know-it-all junior in high school at the time, I was like, "yeah, right." Didn't seem possible, he must be exaggerating. Sure, Pop, we'll see...

Moving day came. Cyril and Meara flew down to Tampa (because Meara was not quite 3 and Cyril's legs were already pretty long, so Dad sympathized how they'd feel about the long drive and cooked up that deal). Mom, Dad, and I packed and drove. Unfolded ourselves from the car that afternoon at my Uncle Tom and Aunt Denyse's house, where we were staying the night before heading over to Largo to set up our new temporary digs.

We're hanging out on the back porch at one point and I hear this noise. Can't understand what it is, because it's still pretty sunny out. Dad or Tom suggests we go out front to check it out. We all go out to the driveway, look up the street and watch the rain heading our way, literally coming down the street toward us. I was dumbstruck. Up north, the rain may fall in every conceivable direction, I mean, we saw some serious storms on Above All (in Warren, CT), but it usually came from straight overhead. This was literally a wall of water heading in our direction. We watched until it hit, then hightailed it back inside, but I remember grinning at the wildness of the weather.

The lack of seasons really gets me down, but there's something about this time of year, when it's not too hot yet and everything's blooming...we may be close to summer, but for me, it's a kind of spring.

Slight emotional eating issue

So I spent last night obsessing that we'd missed my baby-making window this month, while Husby snored away on the couch, deep in a migraine, so even if I were ovulating, I'd feel bad about making him get it on...instead of making dinner, I inhaled a couple of Publix's version of those Drumstick ice cream cones...

This morning, headache waning, LH surging...I gotta get a grip.

Looking forward to weekend...missed arts market last weekend (slept til frickin' 2 p.m. that day!), so may venture out there this Saturday...gotta do some more organizing and cleaning. It's nice to finally be getting a start on it.

Coffee and sandwich made again this morning...seriously nice to be doing that too.

And yes, I know, no one can make me feel inadequate except me...actually Soulemama's about my favorite blog...I'm hooked on her small people, her crafty brain...

First Day of Summer Yesterday!

Well, in Florida anyway....in my book, that is. I mean, last week was straight rain with no respite, it seemed, but yesterday we had sun and 80s, and then around 3:30 the clouds started rolling in. I'm on the third floor of a very windowed building, so we had front row seats to the show. Delightfully black clouds :) One of my colleagues mused (nailed it, in fact) that one of the clouds was the shape of the ship in the Disney flick, Flight of the Navigator. The rains broke around 4:30, a soaking, surprisingly chilly rain. It hung around for maybe an hour, then the sun came back out, dried everything off, and went down for the night. Clockwork.

The crape myrtles are blooming white in the parking lot....I like them better than the harsh pink of the ones at the old building. The magnolias are splaying out too, almost feels like we live in the south. I contend that Florida isn't true South...people aren't quite as friendly here as they are in the Carolinas, you have to search for decent BBQ, and while the place is rampant with Christians, we don't have churches coming out of our ears. But the live oaks still drip with Spanish moss and loom across roadways like cathedral arches, and the rains hit in the afternoons to muck up our driving and hairstyles. I'll take it. I'm still an uppity Yankee at heart, but there are times when this area of the country speaks to me. Just wish I were on a farm somewhere, digging in the dirt, instead of slogging away at a computer. Baby steps.

Been buying myself some tops lately that actually fit, and the difference in my body image is interesting...still very unhappy with how badly I've let myself go, but I feel less of a need to cover my body in layers to hide it (which is a good thing, now that the weather's turning)...

Made my coffee and lunch again...this could be habit-forming!

Work was seriously frustrating yesterday, so my brain shut down when I got home ... didn't get much done. But the upshot of cleaning the closet is having to move around Goodwill bags in the bedroom, so that'll get dealt with this evening in between laundry loads. Dishes are piling again too...so damn easy to let that go. Been reading Two Frog Home, going to look back on a couple of her posts...she's in the process of starting a fresh community blog to emphasize how you can be a homemaker who works, as opposed to a working woman who keeps a home. There's a distinct difference, and I think my sanity would improve if I could better grasp that concept. I think about things I want, like a real dining table for eating, and to make my own curtains and placemats, such simple things that really do make a difference in your living environment.

And if Amanda Soule weren't such a lovely person, I'd have to stop reading her blog for fear of feeling really inadequate. Can someone explain to me how she can wrangle 4 kids ages 7, 5, 3, and 6 months, and now a 7-week-old puppy, without flipping out and running naked down the center of town? I get that we see the good days in that blog, that she does have bad days like anyone else, but holy cow, I can't imagine throwing an animal into the mix of that many personalities clammering for attention at any given time. My head would spin off its axis and fly around the room.

TV perspective

"This guy's so cheesy I can't watch him without crackers."
—Leilaina, Reality Bites

"When we get back to civilization, I'm joining women's lib."
—Holly, Land of the Lost

So to capitalize on the Will Ferrell movie version of Land of the Lost coming out soon, Sci Fi Channel played Land of the Lost, the series yesterday. All. Day. Yesterday. At a half hour per ep, they managed to plow through the entire collection I think, stretching it into the wee hours of the morning, which I know because I went to drift/sleep around 10:30 p.m. and found myself still flipping around at close to 1 a.m. Love when that happens. Really wish my brain had an off switch, because it seems to do that mainly on Sunday nights. Great way to start the week.

I bitch quite a bit about children's TV and I abhor the way my niece is being raised on the box. But I have to say, we've come a long way. A seriously long way. I remember Land of the Lost as being a rather vicarious thrill...the combination of adventure and fear was a guilty pleasure on Saturday mornings while my parents attempted to sleep a bit longer than Cyril and I. We'd catch all those Sid & Marty Krofft shows...I enjoyed Wonderbug, Cyril liked Dr. Shrinker, and we both laughed our way through Sigmund the Sea Monster.

So I'm watching it yesterday, in between chores and naps, and the old thrill was there...still wanted to cover my eyes whenever the Sleestaks were on the scene. But holy crap, could it get any more cheesy!?! Poorly constructed sets and models and 30-year-old blue-screen technology, on top of bad acting and choppy direction...I couldn't keep it on for too long at any one time, which at my age I suppose is a good thing. But I was struck by the difference between what I remember and what the show was. There was the occasional decent lesson, and probably it was presented basically enough for it to sink into my 5-8 year old brain. I get that they certainly weren't making that show for a 39-year old. But holy cow, it was bad. Back then, the choices were significantly limited...we had 5 channels that evolved into cable pretty fast when we lived in New Milford, but you were still only talking about what? maybe 50 channels? And certainly the only kids' fare was still PBS, with the exception being Saturday mornings.

So I rail against poor kids' programming because with so many more choices now, shouldn't there be more accountability? There certainly is now, to a point; quite a few channels have taken their cues from Sesame Street and PBS...you can find really good stuff on Sprout and Noggin now. But why should it be that way for kids' shows, when we can't manage it for adults? I direct your attention to the garbage that is any reality show currently taking up space on our airwaves (I am SO tired of hearing about Jon & Kate Plus 8...I mean, seriously, who's raising those kids while the parents are off not having affairs?), as well as "game shows" like the just-in-time-for-summer Wipeout on ABC. It blows my mind, the idiocy that gets on the tube.

So the key is adults giving a crap about what their kids watch. If you're going to use the electronic babysitter, at least have the decency to keep the remote out of reach. Parental controls on TVs...that stuff bugs me too, that mindset of "here, honey, watch whatever you want because I know we've locked Cinemax..." Better yet, take 'em outside. I know I haven't got a soapbox to stand on until I'm wrangling my own small ones, but I pray that my beliefs translate into the level of parenting I imagine for my children.

Glimmers of change?

So I reorganized the closet this weekend. Restacked boxes, consolidated...my purses have been all over the place since we went camping. Three bags of stuff so far for Goodwill. Floor space has been restored. Feels good. Didn't get to the filing cabinet in the dining area like I wanted, but did enough where I didn't feel guilty for resting too. Taking care of me, what a concept. We won't even discuss how late I slept in on Saturday.

Made my lunch today...made it last night and set up my coffee to turn on automatically...such a simple thing, 10 minutes out of my evening made for a much more relaxed morning. I'm weaning off Starbucks lattes. About damn time.

The daystar's back out and I'm itching to walk. Did some knee bends this morning, looking forward to more leg exercises this evening. Started re-reading a health program that's available through my insurance online...it's motivating me for some reason. Why now? Won't question...just taking things one moment at a time. If I reach to graze, ask myself if I'm actually hungry.

Weekend

Sweet, delicious weekend...so nice to be off work for 3 days, I'm wired...wanna stay up indefinitely...might just do that, blow one day initially, get it out of my system. Thinking of wandering the arts market tomorrow, otherwise the day's a blank canvas. I'm lucky.

Haven't knit in awhile...would like to make some headway on sock #2, baby blanket, Cozy wrap. Parsley's getting the droops, the others look good. Rain abating, but slowly. Deep into the Poisonwood Bible by Kingsolver. It's my favorite book, hands down. Really damn good.

Hurricane season, shmurricane season...

I've decided that Floridians suffer from long-term memory loss...every year from May to September at least, we're given rain, usually like clockwork, in the afternoons. Technically the season doesn't start until May 30th. So this early burst of weather has completely baffled my colleagues...they look out the windows with a dazed expression and say in surprise, "it's still raining?" I just don't get it....I mean, if you had to pick a tropical state in the lower 48, which one comes to mind? How is it that rain is so startling in a state that's supposed to get more rain than most?

I shared the elevator this morning with an already exhausted guy who was running late because he'd left his sunroof open all night, so his car was a fishbowl when he went to go to work this morning. I told him he'd won the Darwin award for the day. Pretty sure he didn't get the joke.

My plants are surviving at least...they're close enough to the door where they're getting plenty of moisture, but aren't drowning. I'm relieved...don't care as much what happens to the wildflowers, because I have plenty of those seeds, but the herbs I'm hoping to actually use. Kicked myself the other day for using dried marjoram when the real deal's outside the door...

If this is an indication of how the season's going to shape up though, not sure I want to try tomatoes and green beans yet. It's such a tough call, because the only decent place to have them is on the porch, but they would be seriously exposed to the elements there. At least with a garden, the water always has somewhere to go...it may seem to flood, but it eventually sinks deeper into the ground...but with containers, once you hit the top, you're drowning them. Drainage holes only go so far.

Memorial Day weekend...budgeting and cleaning are the biggies planned, I've been letting the bills get away from us again. This year's going by kind of quickly, which doesn't amuse me as I march closer to the big-4-oh. Now that we're past Husby's birthday, time to start really saving for other stuff, like car care and the latest intentions toward a move. Like real adults :)

Miscellaneous rantings

What the frick is the point of complaining about the weather? No matter what state you live in, you oughta know what you've gotten yourself into, so what's the point of bitching? Granted I've been taking a fairly Zen approach to such things lately, recognizing that things like complaining don't make me feel any better and don't change anything, so thus serve no purpose, but still...

Wait, am I complaining about complaining here...? Heh heh...

Truth is, Florida folks are way soft...I remember being three kinds of uptight about the mess we'd make tracking our butts back inside from the snowstorm that hit on Nanie's funeral day last December up in CT. But the CT folks took it totally in stride, leaving more towels near the doors, hanging coats nearby...that house was packed to the rafters with people, but the snow didn't cause a ripple of concern.

That said, hurricane season evidently came 2 weeks early to our penis of a state...those storms I was scratching my head about last week, because they were hitting areas of town but not the southside, finally hit the whole city. We've been under water since Monday night and it's threatening to stay that way until well into next week. Lord knows we need it; you can see the retention ponds in our complexes crying out in thanks and the grasses breathing a sigh of relief. It's a good soaking rain for the most part, not much debris, and still people whine. Dorks.

Les had a good birthday. His family completely forgot to call, so it helped that I was able to make it nice for him. We had enough in savings and gift cards to get the PS3, and he delighted in the bowie knives I got him. I surprised him good! I made chicken ala king for dinner and it was so yummy, we barely had room to indulge the chocolate mousse I also made.

Whew!

In surprisingly good spirits this morning...the work pile is significant, but I have tomorrow off to celebrate Les's birthday with him, so it's all good. I strained both knees this past weekend, walking the little runt my mom calls a dog, but I was set free yesterday afternoon to nap in my own bed for the first time in 4 days, and it recharged me significantly.

Spent Wednesday through Sunday morning with Mom, helping her when needed and providing company and occasionally a decent meal. We treated ourselves to pizza one night, I made my honey mustard chicken once. We watched TV, played Nintendo DS. We went shopping, where she treated herself and me to some new tops. She's wearing a mid-waist girdle to help her heal and remind her not to bend too deeply, so she's a bit self-conscious and wanted some blousy shirts. I got to see the staples when I redressed her incision, which was both fascinating and a little shuddery.

My plants survived in my absence, and hanging out in Mom's clean apartment for 4 days really gave me a perspective shift. This week will be all about cleaning, one room or section at a time. Our place reeks of smoke, and I'm noticing it now, after my clean air vaca at Mom's place. Walking the dog in the mornings reminded me of how pretty and clear the air is at that hour too. I'm making plans involving exercise to heal my knees and body, and tucking into a major apartment overhaul.

Remembering, working hard...

Everything's harder when you're big. That can be truly frustrating...all I did yesterday was laundry, a little shopping, a little cooking...I was spent and in the sack by 9:30 p.m.

It's a stand-on-your-head week. That's a Dad expression...when we had something challenging to accomplish, Dad would say "well, you can stand on your head..." for however long it takes. We got it, but now that I'm writing it, it's probably one of those "had to be there" things...heh...

Mom had back surgery Monday. They implanted an electronic stimulator in her spine to manage her pain from a currently inoperable, degenerating disc. Stimulator's working great, but her post-op pain has been significant. Percocet Mommie is kind of cute, but it sucks to see her like that. Thank goodness we live so close...I had the last 2 days off, but had to get back to work today (obviously, or I wouldn't be blogging ::wry grin::). Meara heads back to Orlando tonight, so I'll sleep over at Mom's at least the next 2 nights to walk the mutt and take care of her. She's hoping to get back to work herself next week, but I wonder...

So I've been quite busy...did buy some curly parsley, marjoram, and spearmint at the herb festival on Saturday, which I got around to transplanting Monday night. Planted some wildflowers in the long box. Put everything out on the porch and leaned the broken screen door against the glass door, with space at the bottom, so that the plants are underneath it. Not much protection, but I don't have time to fashion anything else right now. I'll check them tonight; we're getting rain lately and I'm curious how wet things get...

Yesterday came and went (2 years since we lost Dad)...so busy with Mom, I didn't have time to grieve, which actually was a relief, since I've been anticipating this day for awhile. Realized it helps that I'm able to watch stuff like Grey's Anatomy again, because if the storyline's strong enough to make me cry, I'm allowed a purge instead of letting those feelings sit. I still look on him being gone with incredulity, and time doesn't heal a damn thing, but I'm past this landmark no worse for the wear, which is exactly what he'd want.

Today's starting out rather amazing...checked the mail on my way out this morning. The 2 shirts I ordered came in, as well as a gift card I sent for, for Husby's birthday next week. We're gathering the dough to get him a Playstation 3. Then I got to work and the other present I ordered for him had come in too - seriously fast shipping, gotta remember to send positive feedback to that company. But the best was in the parking lot...it was like a visit from Dad. Here's the backstory: when we lived in Warren, CT, Canada geese were a frequent sight, and we all loved their noise and beauty. When we went to visit Dad's grave on our last day in CT 2 years ago (when we memorialized and buried him), the cemetery had a whole flock of Canadian feathered visitors hanging out, which was seriously uplifting. Today, after almost feeling bad for not feeling worse yesterday, if you know what I mean...I pull into my work parking lot to see a gander, a mama, and 4 goslings making their way down the sidewalk. I do feel bad when I see them this late in the year, because the climate has changed enough to confuse them into being this far south in May...they should be back north enjoying a milder summer. But I smiled all the way into work, and the memory will carry me through the day.

Perspective & change

I won't expound on change here...it's all been said before. I know what needs to be done. Always have. Only thing holding me back is myself. Blahblahblah...

Was thinking just this morning how I can't imagine being pregnant in this body, because it's already so difficult to handle...

Not pregnant. Mix of emotions.

If you're ever needing a perspective shift, hop over to Mother Rising and read her 9/11 journals. It's powerful stuff. She lived 1 block from the World Trade Center. 1 block. Lucky to be alive.

Couldn't watch Michael J. Fox's TV special all the way through last night, because the optimism was getting to me. He's the sweetest guy in the world, so I can't be pissed for feeling inferior. And I've told myself time and again how I have a legitimate medical condition, how my body and brain don't produce lithium, so I'm never going to be happy fun Melanie on my own...

Still...

So...not pregnant...finally figuring out how to get the timing right, or so I thought...not happy with your body at all...and the clock's not going any slower...

What are you going to do about it?

Is it the weekend yet?

Soooo much to do!

Been kind of grumpy and tired this week...and try not reading too much into that when you're in the middle of the 2WW...not that I'm obsessing or anything...

Cleaning, herbs, cleaning, reorganizing, cleaning, building, cleaning, shredding, cleaning...

grumblegrumble

One of the true joys of the 2WW is wondering if you're pregnant about 64,000 times a day, and spending the other 47, 623 times convincing yourself that you're not...so that the disappointment will be "easier"...hah. What a load that is.

I'm ready for my 4-day weekend. So ready. Originally took next Monday for Mom's procedure...she's getting electrical leads implanted into her back to relieve the pain of a degenerating disc...but Meara will be home to handle most of that. And next Tuesday is Dad's 2 year. Don't know what I'm doing with myself yet that day, but it sure won't involve work. Beach maybe? Park? I've slacked on cooking and cleaning a bit, and am quite ticked at myself for doing so. I want to plant more, and maybe buy some herbs...there's an herb festival this weekend I'm thinking of attending. Work is just SO in the way right now.

Welcome to May!

Sunny, 80s, no foreseeable end in sight. Well, until the temps rise another 10. ::sigh:: We need rain.

Pondering seriously the concept of putting sunscreen on arms and face before work, buying more to replenish said areas if I go out to lunch...my Lil Sis voiced her intention to lay out at the beach possibly, while Mom goes under the knife next Monday, and I almost yelled "are you nuts?! Irish skin! Melanoma! Grasp the correlation!" I feel old.

Had a funny on Saturday, was quite proud of myself for remembering to put sunscreen on arms and face before going out to Riverside Arts Market...locals who've been to this can give it a think and giggle at me, I don't mind. The entire market takes place under the Fuller Warren bridge here in Jax. No sun. Like, anywhere, unless you go really close to the water. Still, I'm learning.

2WW blows. Although, how funny is it that there's a whole website kind of dedicated to it...

Bad girl nostalgia...Starbucks had two small boxes of NO2 canisters for their whipped cream out on the counter...I went through a teeny, tiny, brain-cell-killing phase with those suckers post-college, pre-Husby. Closest I'll ever get to dropping acid was mainlining those suckers while watching MTV's Amp back in the day. Very glad to be past those phases...I don't even enjoy drinking right now (well, good thing since I'm on the 2ww, but you know what I mean...). Meara's ready to disown my Irish ass.

People against House and Cuddy hooking up are complete dorks. The writers of that show tend to put our head misanthrope in some kind of peril at the end of every season, but last night's ep really laid him open, at his most vulnerable. Excellent, excellent TV...I was in heaven.

On the other side of the coin, the idiots in charge of programming at NBC 86d Life yesterday. F*cking rat bastards. Wish it would jump ship to TNT or something, but that's such a pipe dream...for all the talk of shows jumping networks, it happens so rarely it's not worth the words here. I swear the only decent show(s) left on NBC are the L&O franchise. I also swear I'm going to do more turning off of the tube this year. I know, what a concept. We'll never be a keep-the-brain-sucking-box-in-the-closet family, but I can certainly modify my behavior to start...see how it goes...

Ok, back to work...

And the wheel turns...

Life is so much about growing...

Turned in the lease yesterday...new end date 8/31/10. We've been at this place for 11 years now, and it's evident. I complain about it endlessly it seems, but I'm waking up a bit more to how much things need to change in the coming months. When you have a maintenance problem, and you realize you need to do A, B, C, D, and E before even thinking about letting someone in to fix it, it's time to admit that you're a lazy slob and your apartment has issues. Yeah, I don't live alone, but still...

The 2WW has begun again. That's helped precipitate that train of thought...it's disgusting enough for us to live there, can't imagine having a small person there. But if it were to happen this time around, we'd definitely still be living there for a bit after the big day.

I'm studying some schools of thought that have me thinking about how I'll need to change my career post-small person. I'm accepting how very much I'm going to want to be at home more when that time comes. I know we don't always get what we want, but we can sure try to shape life to meet our wants and needs.

And completely off whatever subject this is, rest in peace, Jack Kemp. I had the privilege and pleasure of hearing him speak in person twice, back when I was a dyed-in-the-wool conservative. He was what my dad would call an alive speaker, someone who truly inspired with his words and presentation. He had this way of speaking...it was a snowball rolling downhill until you wanted to jump to your feet and holler "yes!" My politics may have shifted plenty since then, but I'll always remember those speeches and the incredible energy I felt afterward.

Beltane

Fertility festival day and I'm actually fertile...what the FRICK am I doing at work?!?!

I have a serious case of the Fridays, couldn't care less about how far behind we are, all I know is I'm in my jeans and sneakers, it's 80-blessed degrees out, and I could be home doing unmentionable stuff with Husby.....BAH!

Going more more Starbucks...Happy frickin' May Day!