Monday, June 08, 2009

F*ck fate!

I'm trying really hard to understand a god that would tease about my sister-in-law possibly being pregnant while simultaneously making it so hard for me to conceive...

My sister-in-law is an unfit mother. She's 30-something, abuses prescription meds, lives with her folks/my inlaws, and her significant other (who lives with them) is an addict who can't hold a job. Her daughter is my niece, the one I lament is being raised by my mother-in-law and Sprout TV. Mother-in-law's doing the best she can, but she's also caring for her 87-year-old mother, who also lives in the house and is in less-than-perfect health.

I so don't want to visit them this weekend. My SIL, whether she's pregnant or not, won't understand in the slightest that this isn't a blessed event, that most everyone in the family would be on the side of abortion, if it turns out to be true. I know that's lousy to think, but I can't help it....she doesn't take good enough care of her first child for me to think a second child will fare any differently. Her parents enable her and the sig oth by letting them stay there rent-free, but this will be a straw to break the camel's back and explode a significant amount of family drama, probably in the near future. I don't want to be there for that. Call me selfish. It's hard enough to accept that we had to let another month go by. May was a not-trying month for us; Les's head was just too lousy to play through the pain. I don't want to be anti-social, but I see myself spending a pile of time outdoors this weekend, because that house will be way too f*cking small with all of them there. Never mind the chances of her baby being born addicted if it's true. I still can't believe K's developing relatively normally (my niece).

I'm a recovering self-abuser, haven't had those urges in quite a while; but when Les told me they were taking SIL for bloodwork to confirm/disprove pregnancy, I wanted to put my fist through something. Literally saw red for a moment there. I want a child so badly, I'm finally taking steps to improve my health, while my body marches inexorably toward 40, and SIL may be bringing another mouth into the world that she can't feed. I really don't understand.

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