Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Don't fight nature, plan around it

Maybe I am a stress junkie...this has just been a good week so far. Monday I went grocery shopping after work, have made two decent meals this week so we're drowning in leftovers (which neither of us is bitching about, because it's so nice to be eating decent food again), and have been enjoying knitting again. Started SouleMama's lacy looking hat, and while I'm afraid I'm making it too big, I'm pressing on because I love, love, love the yarn I'm using (a single hank of KnitPicks merino that's since been discontinued, in this excellent blend of beige, navy, and hunter green)...will toss it in the wash before wearing, am hoping that'll help it shrink just a bit.

Tonight I have to do laundry, clean the kitchen, and ponder the weekend...probably going to Mom's on Saturday for some garage work, and I'm determined NOT to repeat last weekend, so I'll make some more lists for little projects, designed to chip away at the overwhelm-ment that is our apartment. Husby and I were talking this morning about how we need to change things around there, if we're going to have a small person there initially...I'm glad I'm getting him talking, it'll make it easier when those "to-do" lists end up in his hands for busywork during the week while I'm slaving away at the office :)

Pictures soon, I promise. I haven't gotten around to reseeding the herbs, but my patience is paying off...they still look weak, but they are growing! One of my "to-do" items is cataloging the planting stuff I have that's not in use, because I'd love to do more vegetables this fall.

Monday, July 28, 2008

No point in dwelling...

"Don't blow a day by not planning it; plan to blow a day." — Tim Lyons

Words to live by. Apparently not this past weekend, however. I'm so angry with myself I'm trying not to think about it, because I hate dwelling on things that can't be changed. Gotta just push forward...

But seriously folks...what. the. hell! I pissed away both days this past weekend, doing very little other than finishing a truly unremarkable baby hat, missing Dad, napping, and allowing my depression to enjoy free rein. Can we discuss how frustrating it is to be lamenting how little time we have on this earth while simultaneously enjoying a complete lack of motivation and energy to do anything? On second thought, let's not...

So. Back at my desk at work and wondering just how much of a stress junkie I am to be able to get more accomplished while simultaneously earning money at a regular job...I started a fresh "To Do" list, a grocery list, and my brain's turned back on, pondering how I can unearth us in that apartment and make it more conducive to living simply. I'm betting part of my problem is that apartment, just how overpopulated it is with "STUFF," weighing me down and making me unable to see past it...we're painfully behind financially right now, so I get thinking about how we'll be starting a family there in that place, and that's borderline unacceptable as is...there's a lot of work to be done to get it to where I'd feel comfortable having a baby living in there with us. But Husby and I act in spurts...he mopped the kitchen floor on Friday on a whim, said he'd been wanting to do it for ages, and I'm the same way...will do nothing for weeks and then suddenly plow through a closet or the dining area. It needs to be more consistent.

So...

Friday, July 25, 2008

Weekend rally

Money in the bank, 2 days off, what's not to love? Well, the money will go away very soon, of course...but the 2nd quarter bonus in this check means actually being able to restock the food shelves and maybe pay a bill besides rent...very glad we decided not to go to SC, because we would've so pissed that away and it can't even really be called a surplus, not as far behind as we are...

Anyhoo, will reseed plants this weekend, move some stuff around, and get back to eating healthier...ooo, and baking! ooo, and knitting and sewing! Happy Friday, y'all!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sleepy, grumpy, a couple of other dwarves...

Can't seem to wake up today...feeling fat...McDonald's didn't help...bleh!

I think I'm ready for another trip out of town...maybe I could talk Husby into an overnight down at Gold Head...we just begged off on an SC trip due to lackofunds, suppose I need to suck it up...especially since I'm making enough this next check where we could actually pay a bill besides rent...

I've had one of Dad's memorial cards up at my desk at work since like oh, a week after he hit the happy hunting ground (he was a duck hunter back in the day, that's not just me being a morbid little snot)...today I took it down. It's just hurting a little too much lately, and I don't need any reminders; my memory serves me all too well in that regard.

::grumble, grumble, bitch, moan::

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I get it now

I'm a big M*A*S*H fan. In the final episode ("Goodbye, Farewell, & Amen"), Winchester has a sad epiphany where he realizes that music will always be a reminder to him (of the war). I always had trouble buying that, based on the obvious love his character had for certain musics, couldn't see how something like music could take on such a negative connotation.

I get it now. It's not negative, exactly, just very, very painful. I'm finding that I can't listen to certain artists at work (Josh Groban and Enya in particular), because the music is so beautiful, it's making me cry. I feel this rather painful rage inside me with the knowledge that Dad will never again enjoy the beauty of music on our plane (of existence). I can't handle that; he loved certain music...I'm not even saying that Enya or Josh were particular favorites of his; rather it's the crystalline beauty of their music that's setting me to tears. We kids grew up listening to various types of music with Dad; some of my earliest memories are of having the headphones on while we listened to Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head or Tie a Yellow Ribbon, or Judd Strunk's Daisy a Day. I can't handle the thought of all the stuff he's missing. I suppose I should/could content myself with the idea that he gets to enjoy it all whenever he wants now, but I just can't buy that idea of Summerland...and I can't believe it just for faith's sake, regardless of how terrified the alternative makes me. Being true to myself means recognizing that I plain don't believe in heaven and hell...don't believe in much of anything on the subject, beyond the possibility of passing onto a different plane of existence. Whatever...he's missing out, and we're missing out by not having him here, and it sucks!

Reviews & rallying

Simple Prosperity by David Wann is back at the library, but I wish it was on my bookshelf...definitely going to look for that one next time I'm at Chamblin's. It was a surprisingly enjoyable read...you know how some books look informative, but once you crack them, you realize you need a degree in horticulture and 6 cups of coffee to get through them? This isn't one of those; it's written in an almost conversational manner that engages the reader to think and press on. I was really surprised by how engaging it was, how easy it was to read even with the TV on in the background. Sure, some of it was old hat; but I think it's a decent reference tome for people who are trying to live simpler and greener, something you can go back to for reminders and ideas.

I also own Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver, so thought I'd say a little something about her here too. While I'm skeptical about some of the recipes in that book, it's more because they're so far afield from what I normally eat that's it's hard not to turn my nose up at them (Eggs in a Nest?!). That said, Kingsolver also has a writer's ego, and some of her opinions in this book are just that, opinions; which is why the book is saved by her husband's essays, which combine opinion with factual information cited from specific sources. She does offer a decent bibliography and appendix of sources, so I'm not exactly faulting her - it's just that you have to be in the mood for her writing sometimes. This book truly was a family affair though, from Camille's recipe ideas to Lily's chicken adventures, and that makes it a very enjoyable look at living green. Another very helpful facet (for this Florida gal) is that it's laid out Eastern-seasonally, so you get a true taste of what's in season when, from asparagus to zucchini...even the Vegetannual graphic is a nice reference to help remind your brain until you get used to seasonal eating.

Can feel myself rallying...really nice shot in the creative arm over at SouleMama, where she's posted PDF links for some wonderful handmade gift ideas. I'm so glad to have ideas other than knitted socks for the impending Xmas gift-giving...the Gratitude wrap is rather perfect, as I came into a large stack of cardstock that I was thinking of doing something with...has the old company name on it, so I'd have an excuse to create some design over it...hmm...or could cut it away, maybe? Can't wait to go home and try out these ideas! Work's a pain...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Waking up again...

Still not used to working in the new place...had to change my shift to accommodate the economic dry spell that the company's going through...I'm going in later and leaving later, because the work falls later in the day...that and our usual financial difficulties has had me in a weird rut, that I'm just now figuring out and attempting to rally from. Just now back to feeling human again too, after the 3 H's of this past weekend (hormones, hangover, and hard work)...bleh!

Excellent example of how the world's problems aren't getting solved by our current leaders, because they've definitely got their wires crossed somewhere along the line...while I'm sure this story is taken out of context a bit, it's still a jaw-dropper: http://tinyurl.com/6mw8ka.

I'm in a creative dry spell too...until I get used to the schedule difference probably...getting home later means later meals and cleanup, means feeling rushed at the end of the day, so I'm not in the mood to knit...I'm just out of sorts. (whinewhinewhine) Not getting enough fresh food either, and I've been slacking on the health factor of my lunches, so it's no wonder we've hit rut territory again. Damn broken record. Need to get baking again...I'm tired of granola bars and fruit.

Going with Husby to next week's doctor's appointment so I can yell at the guy again...it's impossible to get him (Husby) working when his quality of life sucks so badly...I'd love to blame it on his shame over his teeth, but really it's the fact that he's still always in pain. If I had blazing headaches everyday, I'd be useless too, and this is while he's on what are supposed to be decent medications! Problem is, he can't take the triptan meds that are normally prescribed for migraines, he gets bad reactions with them, so instead he's stuck with pain meds that taken often enough, put him in a cyclical situation, so that nothing works for the breakthrough pain. There's gotta be more options...but he doesn't remember to ask the right questions when he has his appointments with the guy, so I'm going along because I'm the boss :) I feel a pinch more secure with my job, but we still so need him working too...

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Such a seesaw

In a hilarious turn of events, I may be getting groomed for a promotion at work. I got this news at the very end of the day on Friday; and after the stress of spending a week wondering if my hours were going to be cut and should I be looking for a second job, I needed a beer. One turned into four. Didn't wake up that hungover, but you know how your body feels pooped out after overindulging? Add the monthly hormonal hostage crisis and an afternoon planting aloe in the Florida sun...well, let's just say I'm taking it easy today. And I'm pretty sure my biceps are disowning me.

I'll have to prove myself to some of my higher-ups...I've spent the last 8 years shying away from responsibility and presenting myself as a workhorse for them and nothing more; so when my team leader has brought up my name as a potential for supervisory responsibility, he's been met with skepticism. This doesn't bother me; just means I need to reacquiant the bosses with what I'm capable of. I know going in, that I can't rely on just my team leader's opinion of me; he's still too easy to impress because he's new to this business. But I also know, have always known, that I have the ability to be a decent manager; and I've changed a lot in the past year. So I have some work to do.

Mom's backyard looks neat. We planted the rest of the aloe that I wanted to part with, and laid down a red mulch, so it actually looks like a deliberate grove of stuff under the trees now. Will probably need a bit more mulch as the rainy season progresses. I'll miss the Big Boys, but I'm so glad they're in real ground now and out of our apartment. I kept some babies and Mom bought me a jade yesterday to add to my collection of living stuff.

Most of my herbs have wimped out on my first tries; conditions just aren't terrific, but I'm not giving up...thinking of reseeding the ones that pooped out. Thinned the tomatoes a bit last week and I'm going to talk to Husby about keeping them on the porch in the mornings and then having him bring them in when the afternoon rains hit. I have to shift my schedule at work, so won't be getting home til almost 6 now; otherwise I'd handle it myself...but since he's home...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab a nap and feel absolutely no guilt about it :)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Jonesing

I didn't expect to be quite so angry upon leaving the baby shower today. Maybe it's because I confirmed that the coworker I sit next to is also pregnant. Maybe it's my hormones; I put the moonstones in my pocket this morning to jump start my system because I was a day late, and sure enough, it worked! Maybe it's because I got to hold a baby at the shower, and her smell is still in my shirt. Whatever the reason, I hurt now. I'm so ready, so very ready. I'm not celebrating my next birthday until my body's with child...I simply can't reconcile myself with turning 39 without a baby inside of me.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ruminations

I still don't really get how it's possible that Dad is gone, that I'll never see him again. Yesterday was just one of those hard days...I did websites in Androscoggin, Utica, and Saskatoon...all former territories of his. Then I was listening to music later and realized that I really can't listen to Josh Groban's February Song at work anymore (or for a while anyway), because the notes he hits in that sucker are so, so beautiful, it's jarring and makes me cry.

Thinking of changing my work shift a bit, because work falls later in the day...there plain isn't enough to keep us busy earlier in the mornings. It's helping me catch up on areas where my training was lacking...this morning I'm getting to explore Dreamweaver and Photoshop finally, as well as acquiant myself with the work of Tech Support...but it's a scramble everyday, and I need to bend to the demand.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Reconnoiter

Pretty impressed with myself that I spelled that right on the first try...did look it up in m-w.com though, to see if I was using it correctly...I'm pretty close.

My fear and stress over possibly having my hours cut at work is causing me to slip into a fast rut. Going to try to nip that sucker in the bud before it takes root...it doesn't help that I'm a hormone hostage this week, thus a tad scattered, and that I'm getting used to working in a different location...it feels like we're just visiting here; it's SO different...more open, bieges instead of greys, easy to get lost still, larger desk areas, new chairs...it's so neat and nice, just wish we had the work to go along with the new digs. So one of the things I need to do (in the reconnoiter category) is quit stressing and start thinking...thinking about how I can combat the money worries with different work options...

We need better recycling vessels in house, but we're definitely all gung-ho about it now, and the difference in our trash is marked...we were hitting the dumpster almost on a daily basis before we started recycling; now it's more like once a week. It's so automatic, getting ready to throw something out and realizing it belongs in the recycling instead, and we're rinsing things well enough where the bug problem hasn't gotten any worse...

Gotta go look busy :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Determined

Embarassing how winded I am after climbing 3 flights of stairs...I do a flight everyday at my apartment, but 3 is another story...I stop at the top to get my heart rate under control, and so that I don't make a lot of noise with my mouth-breathing when I exit the stairwell...I'm determined to take the stairs more often than not; I'm plain not a fan of elevators and lord knows I need the exercise. But it's definitely going to take a while for my body to acclimate...

New week

I feel busier. In fact, business is dangerously slow...I spent the weekend enjoying a fresh bout of stress, because my boss confided in us that the higher-ups are starting to make noise about cutting hours. Just moved into the new building, and it feels like they're going to have to lay people off to justify it. I ache with the news that my hours could be cut. I'm not in a place mentally where holding down a 2nd job would be healthy, but I'm thinking of hunting anyway. I'm scared...

So my stress meant not enough got accomplished this weekend, but I did try to relax. My brain did quite a bit of shutting down. I knit a fingerless glove. Watched Project Runway marathons. Avoided reality. Ordered out too much.

More later...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Dear Boss,

I certainly empathize with anyone who feels restless stuck behind a desk. I'm a professional fidgeter and twiddler myself, since decreasing my meds...swear I'm gonna go 'round the bend sometimes stuck at a desk job, just don't have the patience for all that sitting still. Your career prior to this job was the U.S. Navy, so certainly there's going to be some adjustment to the boredom of corporate America.

However, our area is nice and quiet now that we're in the new building, and if you don't stop drumming your fingers on your desk, I'm going to have to come into your cube and break all your fingers.

Sincerely...

Friday, July 11, 2008

Moving day

Last day in the old building, woohoo! I dig change better than most, probably will have trouble keeping the silly grin off my face all day Monday...

I'm thinking of bailing on the Independence Days Challenge...not bailing per se, just not formally reporting specifically that stuff. I'm just not there yet...certainly the brunt of this blog will still be about my desire to live green, simpler, etc., and the occasional crafty stuff, but it's such a work in progress, and right now, the Growing Challenge is more than enough......definitely will keep y'all informed as my little corner of the planet progresses...future projects this year include delving into canning, more freezing foods, more plants...

I still haven't thinned the tomatoes yet, and I think it's starting to stunt them...this weekend I'm hoping to deal with the aloe (yes, I know, where have we heard that before...) - geez, it goes THAT far back? That's depressing...and I want to manufacture something to keep the plants out on the porch where they'll have better access to sun, rain, pollenators...going to visit the evil big-box stores for greenhouse-type mesh...ah, maybe I'll be a good little granola and look for it at the smaller hardware stores or nurseries...

Frogged 2 projects last night, rolled 3 balls of yarn yesterday, having another attack of startitis...no motivation to start Xmas projects yet though, still baby stuff or stuff for me :)

Speaking of the Growing Challenge, Elements in Time moved to a gorgeous fresh website/blog, One Green Generation...give it a look-see!

Haircut is moving quickly from dog snot to shagadelic; thank goodness it grows fast! Thinking of investing in a straightening iron so the mop will make me less nutty (heh, kind of a reach, I know...).....it got me thinking about my buddy Alexa's hair, which I covet (natural SERIOUS curl and auburn)...I'm sure the limitations involved with naturally curly hair would make me just as impatient as I am with my mop, so it begs the question of whether or not I'm perpetuating my nuttiness regarding my hair by continuing to try different styles that quickly fall short of my expectations...I do know I miss the length and am going to try my darnedest to keep from trimming it for the near future; and I've developed a definite appreciation for longer styles, thanks to Husby (the little creep). Still, if you ever wanna trade, Alexa.... :)

What's sad is one of the things that got me thinking about hair this week is watching Shear Genius on Bravo for lack of anything better on the tube...Jaclyn Smith irritates me for some reason (was never a Charlie's Angels fan, but I sympathize with anybody in remission from breast cancer, so she gets a pass), but the show itself is kind of fun...man, I'll be glad when we get full cable back...it ticks me off when I find myself enjoying those so-called "reality" shows, but then again, some (ONLY SOME) of them have merit...I find my creative juices flowing after watching Top Chef or Project Runway too. Now if we could just take crap like Super Nanny or Wife Swap off the air, our society may have a chance of moving beyond its Jerry Springeresque tendencies...

Well, that's enough of the cultural snobbery...work wants help with the move, but they're not willing to pay OT, so I'm steering clear. House is getting a serious cleaning this weekend instead; our apartment building is at least 25 years old, so when you let it go to seed, the bugs come out unfortunately...dropped my milk cap on the floor yesterday morning, and had this fantasy of 2 cockroaches coming out and carrying it off, while one of them said to me, "thanks, we'll get this back to you." I'm not well. So it's cleaning time, and the usual organizing and creative fantasies that accompany a Melanie weekend. Hope yours is relaxing; Happy Friday, y'all!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Random wanderings


Mini rant #1:

Was in Winn-Dixie last night and saw Manwich already prepared, in a tub, in the same section as the tubs of barbecue (this IS the South, after all) and the Hormel meals that require refrigeration at the end of the meats. Manwich? Seriously? I'm sorry, but unless you're a college student with no access to a stove, there's no excuse for buying that...like it's so much frickin' harder to buy a pound of ground chuck (that you can actually see through the plastic and might even be able to hazard a guess that it came from some sort of bovine), brown it in a frying pan, break out the heavy equipment (can opener), pour it in, and bring it back up to a simmer. We're talking lowest common denominator cooking here, folks! Maybe I'll understand it better when I have a couple of ankle-biters and I've just gotten home from an 8-hour day chained to the computer, but I hope not...I wonder how much corn product they've managed to infuse into that Manwich prepared stuff...

Starting to miss not having home Internet access...found a bunch of fresh blogs and sites...and can't spend acres of time reading them when I'm at work...

Mini rant #2:

The only thing more frustrating than not having work to do at work, is having my boss try to invent "special projects" for us to do when there is a little work in the queues...I don't give a damn how low the queues are, I just want to be able to do my job, and if there's sites in the queues, then I can do my job, so lemme do it!

Hmph!

I thought the Florida and other state lotteries were smart in adding free gas to their scratch-off games.....


But a little industry in NV taking that idea, is frickin' ingenious...


If the local news stations run stories about the danger of being robbed of your gas by siphoning thieves, doesn't that give the thieves ideas? My neighborhood's bad enough; I don't need the news making our thieves any smarter...

If oil prices decreased earlier this week, how come gas still costs $4.04/gal at the local Racetrac (the ONLY place I buy gas because they have the lowest prices in my area, usually don't try to profit on our suffering, and don't hire drunks to man their tankers)?

Yeah, so I'm a little grumpy today. Had 4 hours off yesterday due to lackowork, so after relaxing for a bit, I crashed for a nap, only to sleep too late for my liking and wake with a start at the thought that Nanie was no longer with us, which I know is just me being paranoid because I'd really like her to make it to her birthday next week (July 18, she'll be 97), but makes me wonder if she is close to leaving us, if the veil between the worlds is experiencing a bit of a rift for her...

But on the up side, Mom finally got pictures of Dad's name added to the family headstone (and the new ivy border)...

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Holding pattern

Wow. Been a while. Holiday weekend and all that. I relaxed for the most part, did some knitting, did some reading. Not a whole lot to report. The plants are suffering a bit. I'm going to fashion something on the porch that allows them to get that sun and space without drowning them with our afternoon storms, because the poor things don't have a chance at pollenators when they're on our front landing.

Gas prices are unreal. Work's scary. Or rather, the lack of work is scary. I'm not worried about my job; I'm trained in just about everything I can be for my position, plus a couple of things; and they like me here. But sales are miserable and we spend our days grabbing a site here, a site there, and then staring at an empty queue more than we'd like and looking for busy work. I can't stand busy work, though I'll admit it was cool yesterday; I retrained in designing Adwords (those ads you see on the right side of the screen in Google™), and they've changed the tool a bit since I last did them, so I actually learned something there. But usually it's just work engineered to keep you off the queue for an hour or so, so it'll build back up. I'd rather be grabbing the sites as they show up, don't have the patience for busy work. Maybe if I went back on the lithium...

I don't really mean that, it's just another bit of frustration where the baby making is concerned. Finding your ovulation time is hard enough, but nailing it when your husband doesn't have a migraine is a whole other beast. I mean, in fairness to him, would you want to partake of nookie with a blazing headache? Yeah, me either. But still, I ache to get started and can't stand the calendar marching toward my 39th birthday the way it is...

At least my company's appearing to be in a good place right now...we move into the new building this weekend, which certainly negates any chance of a raise for at least another year; but I'm able to walk into work confident that I have a role to play here. My mom's not so lucky right now; her employers, in addition to laying people off right and left, have also 86d matching their employees' 401(k) contributions and the EAP portion of their health insurance. It's making her a little nuts, wondering if they're going to try to retire her early...that's not something she's ready for, and of course, finding a fresh job at 66 isn't the easiest task. Send some positive thoughts her way please...

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Midweek update

Life: good
Work: slow
Plants: stalled

Discovered the writings of Ann Hood this week...she lost her 5-year-old daughter to a virulent form of strep and discovered knitting as a way of maintaining sanity through the grief. I can relate. Boy, can I relate...always knew that knitting through the pain was a smart outlet, but there's still this vindication in reading Comfort and The Knitting Circle and discovering I'm not alone in this.

Haven't gotten around to reviewing the David Wann book, Simple Prosperity, still reading...think I may need to own this one, it's quite good. Wonder if I can find it at Chamblin's...Silent Spring still getting neglected...

Doing well...nice feeling :)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A heavy heart

Warning: philosophical entry ahead...

There were a handful of times in college where I drove home hugging the white line on the right and praying to whomever I believed in at the time, that I'd make it home safely because I'd had a bit too much to drink. I've always worn a seatbelt; my folks were good about instilling that in us as kids, and getting into a car accident 4 days after getting my license certainly put the fear of God in me where that was concerned too, especially since the seatbelt in question failed and I took a steering wheel to the chest...luckily wasn't going too fast, as this was pre-airbag days, though I'm not a fan of airbags either. Anyway...

My friend Izzy's daughter Sara lost her boyfriend yesterday; he lingered for 2 weeks following a drunk driving accident before dying from his injuries. I ache with this news. I think of the things that people will say..."what a waste,"..."so young,"...like those words will help make sense of a senseless tragedy. I look back on my own mistakes in judgment and wonder why I was spared. What makes me so friggin' special? Which gets me thinking about the randomness of life, how we don't have any control over it at all, no matter how much we try, and then I have to stop thinking, because that's enough to make you want to curl up in a ball...I think of Christy and more lately, Meara, who are trying so hard to have complete control over their lives, who think that so long as everything is going according to plan and in its proper place, that maybe nothing (else) bad will happen. I totally get Meara needing that after losing Dad; we had 36 hours of closure, which I thank the gods for, but we all still feel robbed, like it was way too soon. The anger that accompanies that feeling has a color and a vehemence that can easily overwhelm.

But there must be a happy medium between needing total control over your life vs. giving up completely and letting fate or destiny take its course. I like to think I'm finding that balance myself. I'm not even sure I believe in god, but I wake up in the morning, take solace in the elements, and recognize the balance between perfectionism and faith. Thanks to Dad, I'm reminded everyday now of the tenuous time we have here on Earth and I try to make good use of that time. I believe that Dad's fear shortened his life, and I'm determined not to let it happen to me. I pray for the opportunity to create my own small ones and teach them the preciousness of this life.