Friday, February 27, 2009


Reasonably sure I'm not a mom yet...
Glad it's Friday.
The disappointment is sinking in like a slow spring rain, soaking...but I won't let it stick around long. I've already taken a look at my calendar, how March lays out for the task. Dust yourself off, look ahead, was somehow beaten into my head, probably by Dad. Guy spent his life a bit down, but always the brain was working two steps ahead.

Too bad it'll be a little early next weekend...I'd love to conceive outdoors, under the stars...could still happen, never know with nature.

Tomorrow's walk will be really good, motivation-wise. My body doesn't like all this weight, my knees tell me this daily, and still I stuff my face with my emotions. Reading the Zen stuff has been helping my perspective, helping me separate needs versus wants, but it's the beginning of a lifelong the meantime, I have to stop being so afraid of exercising during the 2ww. I'm afraid to put more stress on my already stressed body, afraid to start exercising during the maybe times when my body is so used to being sedentary. I need to realize that my body's tougher than all that, and that any exercise is a good thing.

So, walking and spinning/knitting tomorrow, a little work and a little cleaning Sunday, a lot of laundry, and planning for a much deserved break. Not a bad list for a weekend.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Nice mo

So I've been talking to myself since...oh, at least the 6th grade, when I realized it because my math teacher would tease me about it as he handed back my papers, would mumble to himself after calling my name. Nice enough guy, but that's a bit of political incorrectness I could've done without. Anyway, I've learned to keep it kind of under control, but in moments of weakness (or significantly incorrect medication), I can get quite chatty with myself. Apparently it's one of the things that drew Les to me...I was the manager who talked to movie posters. That's supposed to scare guys off; instead it helped find me my lifemate.

So I'm sitting at lunch enjoying a seriously healthy sandwich and a little zen read, and I'm distracted by this guy who's wandering around the parking lot talking to himself. Well, more accurately, talking hands-free to someone else by cell. And it dawns on me that if I had one of those suckers, I could get away with talking to myself and no one would be the wiser. I'm just goofing around with this idea.....I think. As I have no real use for a hands-free set for my phone, just don't use it enough, my brain wonders if I could make something that would look like a hands-free receiver. I mean heck, I forged a milk ticket in the 2nd grade (cute story for another time), certainly I could manufacture a fake bluetooth! And this feeling washes over me, of fatherly pride and laughter, as I remember how Dad was so tickled at my ingenuity over the milk ticket incident that I never got punished for it. It makes me catch my breath and ache, but mostly it's a warm fuzzy. Nice.

Back to Reality...or What's Next?

If you choose to believe a store-brand pregnancy test done hastily in the middle of the workday, that was probably done a pinch early, then this month was a wash. I'm choosing to believe it, because it's giving me the ability to relax a bit and plot my next move. I'm still hoping of course, but the progesterone always throws my schedule off, so I won't really know until I know? In the meantime, I haven't been taking care of me well enough. The headaches could just as easily be blamed on candida as hormones, and if I'm going to be true to myself, only about half the weight I've gained this month can probably be blamed on the progesterone. So it's time to revamp the ole diet again, and get thinking about fitness. It helps that I'm doing the Trails of Tails with my mom this Saturday; it's a 1.5 mile fundraiser for the Jacksonville Humane Society, and that distance is about all this body could handle right now. And that just sucks, so it should be a great motivator. Hoping to drop by Sugarbee's afterward (she's local, the Ravelers are meeting), get some hands-on instruction on spinning...we'll see how pooped I am and how sociable I'm's a coin toss lately. Probably have to work a bit on Sunday :(

Next weekend, blissful freedom. Husby's and my 10-year anniversary is March 6; I'm dragging us camping in the SC mountains where I hope we'll hike a little, rest a lot, breathe fresh air, maybe take in a waterfall or two, check out the SC Botanical Garden at Clemson, and several other things that'll be lucky to actually hit the itinerary. The tax return is imminent, and all the February OT I've been slogging through has us comfortable right now. Life is good.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


More focused.....(she says while writing this at work.....well, more focused for me anyway)

Took a mental health day yesterday...this new version of the hormone is kicking my arse. I'm flying pretty high of late, and occasionally the things that come out of my mouth are cruel. Normally I'm aware of when my mental filter needs adjusting, but on the progesterone, I'm cruising along 2 sentences later thinking "geez, that was mean." Thank god for understanding Husby...I call it going praying mantis on his ass...

Friday, February 20, 2009

More Notes to Self

Seriously the most important note in my life.....


Thanks the gods I didn't have my interview yesterday! Between the girdle and my brain being 2 days clean of that lovely med that metabolizes in my system like food through my Lil Bro (dude can eat anything, energy of a hummingbird, the bastard)...I was not in a good place yesterday. Kept blaming it on the girdle when I was winded just walking down the hallways at work, but it was a side effect of being off the damn med...could hardly catch my breath all day. I caved in on myself pretty hard as the day wore on, and was useless yesterday evening. Hit the sack at a decent hour, and am feeling more like myself today. It helps that I got paid a seriously decent check today, treated myself to Starbucks, and took my medication like a good girl. But seriously, what a f*ing idiot I am...I mean, even if I am pregnant, even if I do take the damn Paxil straight through my pregnancy, and breastfeed while on it, even with all those factors in play (never mind that I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M PREGNANT YET!!), the plain truth is a) the potential small person will have zero memory of any pain of withdrawal (because I don't see myself breastfeeding more than a year or so) and shouldn't suffer any long-lasting ill effects, so b) he/she won't be scarred by it in any way. There's like, no trade-off here, no logical reason at all why I should stop taking the damn med. So I pledge here that I ain't gonna pull that crap anymore!

P.S. Funny thing about the girdle...I haven't had to wear skirts in ages, so I completely forgot that I had started wearing bike shorts under my skirts because I knew the girdle had gotten too small, but I was too cheap to buy another one and needed something to prevent chafing...I swear the gods gave us women short-term memory issues so we'd be able to procreate the species more than once without the ole roadblock of "oh yeah, this hurt a little last time, didn't it?"

Ok, enough self-flagellation...gotta work some OT this weekend, and the rest of it will be spent taking care of me while simultaneously obsessing about going to the recycling place, tidying the apartment, getting some planting started, knitting other words, the usual.

Happy Friday, y'all!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Notes to self

1. You don't have to wear a skirt to look classy.

2. You need a girdle that fits.

3. You need a nice pair of dress shoes and some more tops that actually fit.

My god, I can't wait to get home today, cover the husband and cat with something protective, and cut this gd girdle off my body. Can't remember the last time I was this uncomfortable. Very glad I didn't interview today, because the discomfort would've been distracting. Today's been a learning experience in self-image.

Edit: Yeah, the girdle didn't make it to end of day. It's residing in a company trash can now. Darndest thing, my headache let up right after...

Wound a little tight

Whew...was kind of thinking that last entry would provoke response, and when I write about stuff like that, I'm just blowing off steam, not trying to incite debate...yes, I'm a big ole coward.

So I applied for my job officially on Tuesday. Received word from HR the same day that I was scheduled for an interview on Thursday. Apparently this was done in error...supervisory candidates are actually interviewed by a panel of folks (oh goody! Interview by firing squad!), and this wasn't addressed prior to scheduling me. They couldn't have told me this yesterday? No, of course not, so I heft myself to work today in the rain, in a skirt, after having to buy pantyhose on the way because the 2 pairs I had self-destructed naturally, only to discover 10 minutes before my interview, that it's being rescheduled. I say again, they couldn't have told me this yesterday? They obviously have no concept of the effort that goes into a) finding a responsible-looking outfit in a wardrobe of relaxed business casual, b) getting a fat tomboy into pantyhose, and c) getting said tomboy's head screwed on straight enough to interview for anything, when she's off ALL her meds because she thinks she might be pregnant...

Yeah, I'm wound a little tight today...gonna go eat my feelings and try to chill. With any luck, they won't reschedule the blasted thing until I'm sure I'm pregnant, and I'll be too over the moon to be worried about such trifles...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Random mini rant...

I'm a unitarian universalist. Haven't been to church in ages, but I enjoy learning about all the different religions that are out there, and I subscribe to more than one philosophy in my life. So how sad and closeminded is it that after trolling around a little on the devoutly Christian blogs, purely for the anthropology of it, that they started to creep me out? That the idea of Christians who spew out litters of kids and pile them all into an RV because they're traveling missionaries doing the Lord's work is a level of weird that I can't seem to wrap my mind around...I think because it bothers me that those kids will never know anything other than Christianity. And there's so much more out there to study. God didn't give us these brains and these philosophies just so we could shut ourselves off from all but one of these schools of thought. I guess it's because I'm a self-proclaimed free thinker living in the South, that I feel threatened...I mean, you can't turn around fast in the South without tripping over a Christian. Can't walk through a Walmart parking lot in South Carolina without some stranger coming up to you to ask if you've been saved. But folks who visit prisons and bad neighborhoods, dragging their families regardless of the kids' ages to meet with the dregs of society in the hopes of showing them the Lord's way...I don't get what makes them think they have the right. It just feels like brainwashing on a couple of levels.

I wish the Amish there's a level of Christianity I can embrace, the ability to live righteously while leaving the rest of the world alone. They probably would think I'm going to hell too, but at least they'd keep their mouths shut about it.


2 week waiting, to be exact...or 2ww, which is one of many baby-making acronymical codes on the ole blogosphere. It's coupled this time with headaches that I'm trying unsuccessfully to convince myself aren't of the hormone variety. They started the day after we tried the first time (also first month we've been able to try more than once!), I didn't start the progesterone until a couple of days later, you do the math...and then smack me around so I can stop being so certain that we nailed it this time, and the disappointment a week from now won't send me over the edge...this certainty is coupled with panic, hilariously enough, this holy-crap-what-if-we-really-did-it-this-time-we're-not-ready mood swing, which has me wanting to clean the crap out of the apartment and see a realtor about renting a house, while remaining sedentary because the headaches are sucking my energy.

To top off the latest ride on my emotional roller coaster, I'm having to interview for my own job Thursday (tomorrow)...I slid into the responsibilities of said position awhile back, but was never officially given the title, and to be fair, they had to open the field to anybody in house. So tomorrow I get to dress up and meet with HR and my immediate bosses, and try desperately to keep the crazy at bay. I mean, I've been with the company 9 years, so I'm sure some crazy has slipped out in moments of stress, but I've been able to keep the hot, molten crazy tucked into its little box...ah, I know I'll be fine, it's just hard to relax about it.

Hit a turning point on the sweater I'm knitting...when you change colors, you hit the bottom point where the sleeve will eventually attach. I modified the pattern though, and have been working the thing in the round instead of in front and back pieces, so that means having half of the sweater on a stitch holder now and working it in 2 parts...only I don't have a large enough stitch holder or an extra set of size 8 circs to maintain the section I'm not working. So I started a sleeve instead, until I can get to Joann's...

Reading the heck out of the Zen books I found at the spite of their philosophy to learn through experiencing, there's a pile of literature out there on the subject. Haven't been able to center enough for zazen lately, but it's a work in progress...

Friday, February 13, 2009


Not much to is kicking my butt, OT opportunities abound. The good news is my bosses do appear to value me, the bad news is I'll be formally interviewing in the near future for the position I've held for the last 3 months. Ah, bureaucracy.

So nose to the grindstone and eye on the for our anniversary getaway in 3 weeks :)

Monday, February 09, 2009


"Sunny. 72. And that's the weather."
~ George Plimpton's weatherman character in LA Story (1991)

Living in the South has its perks.

So I'm going through another phase :) Well, hopefully it's more than just a phase...It's coming at a necessary time in my life. Work is quite stressful, I'm not too happy with the way things have been shaping up in my company of late, but of course, the economy being what it is and my intentions toward starting a family being what they are, I'd be a blithering fool to go looking for work right now, so I swallow my stress and press on, which naturally creates more stress unless you have a decent outlet (and that's not even counting the resentment stress I swallow that's pointed toward Husby in moments of weakness, or the desire to shake his pain management doctor into submission). There's knitting and learning to spin, sure, but I've been back to not eating right, my sleep patterns tend to suck lately, and eventually, the ole health/sanity starts to give.

And then I happened upon Momma Zen...

I studied Buddhism awhile back, in the offhand, dabbler-on-a-quest fashion that any lapsed Christian explores their religious options. I think I may have even still been a Republican at the time, so it was hard to get my mind around the level of pacifism that they embrace (and I still reserve the right to yell for my husband if I see a roach in the house, and won't be giving up meat any time soon). But something about Zen spoke to me, called out to me, when I happened upon Momma Zen on Friday. I plowed through her archives and it was like Neosporin for my soul. I truly suck at living in the present; I'm always looking ahead to the next city, the next phase in our lives, because I'm not happy where we are. But something clicked this past's hard to describe. I realized I have it in me to make the changes I want to make, in the apartment and in our lives, and suddenly the pressure was off to make them all happen immediately.

Yesterday, I slept in for the first time in ages. Got the closet back up to snuff...that was a remarkably fast process; I even have my dining room table back already! Not going to bother calling maintenance to replace the shelving, I'm just throwing it out and making do for now. My casual wardrobe doesn't require a whole lot of hanging stuff anyway.

Sat zazen and was surprised at how comfortable it was. I'll be incorporating more yoga into my evenings too, as I find my balance in this new study of life. I'm still a witch at heart, but my unitarian beliefs got a real shot in the arm this past weekend, and I'm charged with the desire to learn more.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Folding clothes can be centering...

...but men's shirts are a pain in the tail. I'm incapable of folding men's shirts any other way though, other than the way you see them folded in the stores...shades of Dad's Army training, that precision.

Working late all this week, plus OT on Saturday...time really slips away from you in the evenings when you're doing that. Almost gave thought to going in early today when I woke up at 6 a.m., but reminded myself of how spent I felt last Friday when I did that and begrudgingly tried to get more sleep. It worked, and helped...all the more important to remember to take care of me when I'm stretched thin like this. I'm on the 2nd phase of the monthly hormones and thankfully the headaches haven't been an issue this time, which is nice.

So I got about 2/3rds of the clothes pulled out of the closet and they're stacked neatly on the dining room table for now...definitely not going to bother getting maintenance in there anytime soon. First I'll purge, then I'll stack, then I'll see about the possibility of hanging stuff...

In the meantime, it's fantastically cold down here...2nd night of hard freeze and only getting up to high 40s. It'll warm more going into the weekend, but stay clear and nice to have the cold of winter without the precipitation. We Southerners are quite spoiled.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Losing my dining room

Signs it's time to move...when the apartment starts falling apart around you...

The walk-in closet passed away again. The lovely maintenance man (read: brain-dead reject with middle school education and no concept of physics) who repaired it last time didn't bother to a) ensure he was rehanging the hardware on studs, or b) reinforce or replace the drywall where it had previously been attached. I was burning off steam on the computer in the main room last night when a rather tremendous crash sounded from somewhere inside the house. Baffled, I investigated and discovered the entire contents of our closet had fallen south. Thank the gods the cat hadn't been napping in there (she does, rather often), she could've been crushed. I almost panicked, but then checked the other place she's been frequenting lately (a cute hideyhole on the bottom shelf of Husby's hutch, on top of his clothes) and there she was gazing at me with those green eyes and this look on her face like "what just woke me?"

The rest of my evenings this week will be spent pulling stuff out, folding clothes, and finding places for everything, before we can even think of calling maintenance to fix it. Maybe I won't bother...I could probably do a better job creating a solution for it than they could. We're also going to have to give the place a decent cleaning and get rid of all the recycling if we call them, because they've admonished us once before for the clutter. And we're not even that bad! I've seen worse, slept in worse, and given the clientele that populates my neighborhood, I can guarantee we're not the worst. Not the point certainly, but still...

Thank goodness I have a free weekend coming up, nothing serious planned. Work got seriously busy for me on Monday; they fired my boss :( So we're behind on tasks, short on leadership, leaning heavy on OT, and expected to maintain perfection with seriously limited resources. I won't even start bitching about how they hold us accountable for things they shouldn't (like thinking we're falling down on the job because there are errors on sites, when it's evident the client has already had their grubby little hands on it, so it's not our fault...). Glancing at my W2 was interesting, because I made OK money last year, but the current shift and the closet issue have my wheels turning again about where I want us to be 6 months from now, a year from now...

Monday, February 02, 2009

Found my dining room!

On Sunday, right where I left it, damnedest thing! Moved some stuff out to the porch, some more stuff just around, and there it was, floor space and an almost clean table for eating, projects, etc. Realized I love having a "desk" separate from the computer table tho'...and the whole area needs some more thought, because I'm pretty sure we're stuck in that blasted apartment for another 7 months after this may as well make it a little more livable.

Worked mainly on the sweater this weekend, because I'm close to changing colors on it...dug out my Fixation (2 balls of pink, 1 yellow) and will be pondering sock patterns this week too.

Spent Saturday with my mom, we went to the Sister to Sister Heart Health show...a good reminder of the things I need to work on.

Moved an old end table and all my gardening equipment out to the porch...will be deciding on seeds and supplies this week.