Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Can't exactly call it happy, but I'm feeling at peace today. No, actually, I can still call it happy. I could get used to this.

Thought briefly of wearing my funeral outfit to work, but I knew it would distract me too much and make me ache. Instead I'm in my black shift with my sun/moon wrap tied 'round my waist, and my black cloak. The Celtic Tree of Life hangs 'round my neck, and I'm wearing the earrings from the funeral, because they remind me of infinity symbols, of everlasting life.

My hair's all one color again :) My personal colorist (Husby) drenched it in 2 bottles of gunk last night, and today I'm quite the pretty brunette. I'm going to go for a walk and a grounding after work at the nature preserve right near my work, and then I'll do the ritual at home. I couldn't see dragging my stuff outside, never mind that candles never stay lit outdoors, it'd probably rain on me, etc.

Have a great Samhain everybody! Honor the past, look to the future. Happy New Year!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Day 4

Ok, seriously, I'm not trying to complain, but...

Still flying high! Woke up slightly grumpy because I didn't get enough sleep last night, but 3 hours into my workday, I've reorganized some lists on my SCMoving site, updated a project or two on Ravelry, done the busywork they claim is real work at my job, and am looking forward to lunch.

We have our closet back!!!

Serious floor space in the bedroom!

Man, that feels good. Definitely missing some hangers and maybe some clothes...hard to tell what was kept and what was purged over the last 10 months, but the main stuff is like, hanging! I'm hilariously happy at this development.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Something seriously weird is going on.....

We're going-on Day 3 of me being in a decent mood.

Actually it's longer than that...I was talking about this buoyancy of spirit late last week, but I guess I didn't start counting it until the weekend; had to gauge its staying power or something. It's unsettling, lemme tellya. Hard to imagine grieving and feeling good at the same time, but it's most definitely what I'm doing. Doesn't even make sense, because I'm used to doing things rather consciously, but I think what's going on with me is the power of suggestion infiltrating my emotions in a surprisingly positive way. Explanation: the grief book I'm working in just hit on the need to embrace grief (not in a wailing-wallowing-gnashing-of-the-teeth way, but in a way that brings grief into a comfort zone in your life). Like I can miss Dad, but from that ache also blossoms a deepening of my love for him. All I know is I may still cry and rage at the unfairness of our sitch, but I'm coming away from that with more peace of heart somehow. I was hanging clothes up in our closet on Saturday (false alarm, it turns out; maintenance guy didn't bother to make sure both ends were secure...I swear to God I'm ready to rehang the thing myself!), and when I went to hang up my funeral outfit, I just broke down completely, which surprised me a little, because lately when I cry, it's because I've been consciously thinking about him. But that outfit was so damn pretty, so personified my nickname with him...

Anyway, I'm up to the calf decreases already on the first Pippi Kneestocking! It's still a realistic holiday goal! Also dug a Kathy Reichs book out of the mominlaw stash...when we told Mom J about Chamblin's, she culled her bookshelves for us (she and Grandma H. are romance novel junkies), which resulted in a serious pile of Heather Grahams, Luanne Rices, and other paperbacks with bare-chested men holding swooning women on the cover. Kathy Reich is the author who created the Temperance Brennan character for the TV show Bones, and while the TV show is far afield from the novels, I'm finding it to be a good read the likes of which I haven't had in a while. I enjoy a good airplane book now and then, but I seem in recent years to have grown out of the John Grisham and Vince Flynn style. Looking forward to hitting the local library for more on this character...

Seriously Halloweenie out...dark, blustery, rainy...kind of hope it's this way for Wednesday...

Friday, October 26, 2007


Hell, just the anticipation of the weekend buoys my spirits. And thank goodness, because it's dark and gloomy enough out to bring on seasonal affective disorder, if I wasn't so delighted by the minor drop in temps.

Imagine moving everything out of your walk-in closet and having to keep it in the bedroom proper for more than a day. And we have little floor space in the bedroom to begin with, because our bed's a king size. One of the maintenance guys came by late Wednesday, reattached the old hardware in a not-very-sturdy manner, and said he or someone like him would be back the next day to fill the holes with spackling compound (when the original hardware fell, it took pieces of the wall with it). Naturally we saw no one the next day; and while I'm afraid to put any boxes on the new shelf, I'd dearly love to hang our clothes, which have been sitting in boxes and suitcases for the better part of a year now out of laziness, late rents (I feel like I can't ask anything of them when we're behind with them financially), new landlord, etc. Yeah, yeah, excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one...this inconvenience has forced a bit of reorganization; I've already purged 2 boxes and 2 suitcases worth of crap...but if they don't show today, I'm gonna say screw it and retake my frickin' closet. It took an act of contortion last night to unearth my #2 dpns.

Why did I need to unearth my #2 dpns? So glad you asked. In my yearly fit of holiday delusions of aptitude, I'm trying to knit a pair of sox for LilSisinlaw for Christmas. I must be out of my mind. I've truly only knit one pair of sox in my life, and while the shape of the foot did turn out ok, they developed holes out of nowhere after one good washing...they were for me anyway, so I wasn't broken up about it. I've also finished one sock from the ruthee yarn, which a) came out too short in foot and shaft, and b) now suffers from second sock syndrome. So socks ain't exactly a field of expertise yet.

But I'm feeling the need to do a project with a pattern, while recognizing that I still don't have quite the patience or brainpower for full-blown lace. So Pippi Kneestockings it is, from Debbie Stollar's SnB original in KnitPicks Felici Firefighter (soft!). Gotta love self-striping yarn; wanted to do stripes, but I have a hard time trusting spit-splicing...I'm a knot-tyer usually (pause while the purist knitters cringe), but I knew that wasn't going to fly for a pair of knee-highs. So I got the yarn in the mail yesterday (and we won't even go into what an aphrodisiac THAT was), read over the first parts of the pattern, which are relatively painless, cast on and tucked in. If I bring it to work and ignore all my UFOs, there's a chance I'll pull it off by Xmas. And thankfully, my LilSisinlaw is about 5'4" and built like a twig, so I won't have to vary from the pattern at all. Only change I made is it calls for sport weight and 3s, but since I'm using fingering weight, I felt safe making 'em in 2s.

Man, I love me some Internet...just did a search for Pippi Kneestockings to gauge difficulty, and saw a majority of folks who liked 'em but changed the heel (which I may agree with them on, b/c I haven't done a stockinette heel yet, but I can imagine a more comfortable way to do that) I'm looking on Ravelry for advice. Ok, just kidding, Ravelry not helping yet...checking Knitting Pattern Central for ideas, and somebody mentioned Nancy Bush...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Veeerrry frustrated

Work's been boring for years; it's plain dry stuff. Read websites, make corrections, repeat. Our team's been cross-trained in just about everything we can do from an editing standpoint, so there are several projects to tackle in any one day, which does break up the monotony a tad; but it still leaves me wanting more. I'd rather be a drone than in management, don't get me wrong; but is it too much to ask for the work to keep me awake?

And then there's busywork (called Special Projects), which is usually assigned lately when we plain don't have enough work to go around. Higher-ups swear it's just a blip on the radar, this decrease of sites, that the company's fine, we're going through a transitional period while we merge with another company, blah, blah (and we're the mergers, not the mergees, which only begs the question how bad off that company was to be weak enough to get bought, how viable/positive an acquisition it actually is, but I digress...). I've been around this company long enough to know where to keep my ear to the ground, and there've been no rumblings (you know, using words like "restructuring," "layoff," etc.), but it's definitely serving to punctuate that if I were to go to work for them remotely, I better absolutely have a decent job going on the side, because there's no guarantee that there'll be work in the queues. It's gotta be maddening for the remote workers right now (folks who work from home), logging on and finding nothing to do. Sure, the economy and business ebb and flow, and 2 years from now, things could be quite different; but it's important that I'm bearing witness to this could influence my decisions later.

Anyhoo, back to why busywork makes me want to scream...well, this issue has several heads, such as: a) I'm currently out of PTO and so I can't be sent home without it affecting my pay, b) there's a danger of us being put on the phones to "help out" and I literally haven't had to deal with customers/clients for years now (thankfully this hasn't occurred yet), c) the higher-ups are so entrenched in getting us merged, they've stopped offering explanations for why the queues are so low. Heck, we barely see them on the floor, which normally would be nice, but right now it only enhances that feeling of being cut off from the action.

But today's busywork just pisses me off...part of creating websites is adding keywords and phrasing (and then using those keywords and phrases in the site), so that the search engines (Google, Yahoo, etc.) will pick up the site. Getting this part wrong is one of the main reasons that the designers are getting their sites returned by us for further work apparently, so since the design queue was decent (over 100) this morning, they wanted some folks in QC to help out by creating and inputting the keywords and phrasing on sites. The HDIC thinks it'll save time; I say yeah, great, but how are they going to learn to do it right if we're doing it for them? Why not take the time to train 'em properly? And by the way, 100 isn't a decent queue; 250 is...which tells me there either has been a layoff that I haven't been privy to, or they just haven't been rehiring in design as people have quit, because 100+ sites in a day didn't used to scare them. The guy serving as HDIC lately isn't enough of an outside-the-box thinker IMO, and I've been here longer than he has, so I have a little trouble respecting him. So it's mouth shut, head to grindstone, go with the flow, and pray I'm experienced enough to continue being considered useful to them.

This is probably boring to y'all, but I need to vent so that I'm able to keep a smile on my face at work...I'm just not sure what to think anymore. We are the stronger company, but the management changes that are occuring will put me on edge if I think about them too hard. Went onto Yahoo's stock ticker to see how it's looking (better than it was, but holding at median), and found some new stuff out, like our President is handing over that role to the other company's head guy, but he'll stay as CEO; and that we just lost a key field operating officer, who's been with us as long as I have. They're paying him off with a 6-month severance package and a $30K performance bonus. That made me want to barf in itself, since the bonus is what I make in a year...and I do understand the 6-month severance, because I'm sure the corporate confidentiality agreement they're making him sign will effectively keep him out of the Internet biz for at least the next year, but still...

Point is obvious, unfortunately...I need to better prepare myself for the worst, do some projecting, budgeting, and hunting, and get Les to finish Part I of the SSD paperwork. We're balanced on a fraying tightrope, and if that sucker breaks...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The good kind of purging

I must've needed the crying that occured last night, because I'm feeling kind of terrific today. I've been letting life live me lately, instead of the other way around, and yesterday was just enough already! So I lost it once or twice, while I was moving stuff out of the closet (because there's a chance we're getting new hardware finally!), and watched the end of Less Than Zero, because clearly I'm a masochist, and then grabbed the grief journal and wrote Dad a letter. It's been a while, and it must've helped, because the buoyance of spirit I'm experiencing today is downright refreshing and motivating!

Visions of baking and cleaning this weekend, and making a mask and props for my Halloween costume...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Fashion victim

I'm a self-proclaimed fashion victim...have been to some extent since adolescence, though I didn't get it at the time...thought that Garfield t-shirts and fluorescent socks were acceptable in junior high...keep in mind this was a rural school in the '80s please, lest you judge too harshly. Nowadays, and in the inner city, if you can keep your junior-high-aged female from baring her belly and wearing an elastic band that apparently is supposed to double as a skirt, you're considered a good parent. But I digress...

I subscribe to a fairly female-soccer-player-type of fashion sense (except I'm hetero): simple, utilitarian...I'd be a happy camper if my job required me to wear jeans and oxfords (the shirts and the shoes) everyday. I think one of the things I liked about working for AMC fresh outta college is that it was a uniform job and I didn't have to think about what to wear.

But I'm a serious purse horse, and a bit of a shoe horse, so I recently acquired a new pair of oxfords and a pair of mocs for work. I'd been surviving on a rather ugly pair of Skecher oxfords and 2 pairs of ratty dress sneakers (Ked or Converse style) all summer, and it'd finally worn thin; it was just getting too sloppy looking. I mean, occasionally, I wouldn't mind looking 38. Husby doesn't get this. He sees my container of shoes and doesn't get that the dress heels only get worn for X and the New Balances only get worn for Y. Well, too bad.

So I still felt like I was missing something, trolled online a bit, and decided to go to Kohl's (dangerously close to my work) yesterday on my lunch, where I tried on what I thought I'd like, and then found the ideal instead: a nice, pretty pair of clogs that were Miracle #1) comfy, Miracle #2) in my size, and Miracle #3) only $18.99. I snatched them up without a thought. Put them on this morning with my rather spartan capris and black top, and felt like a girl for once. Took my first steps around the apartment...


Oh hell.


With every freakin' step! Sonofabitch! Must be my flat feet, combined with the leather-wannabe uppers. Pissshitcorruption! I'm too delighted in my purchase to switch shoes, so I go to work in them, while attempting to manuever my feet as I'm walking so that the noise won't be so apparent. This produces a nice pig-on-stilts feeling, which I laugh off while feeling mortified, though I'm sure absolutely no one noticed anything.


::sigh:: So at lunchtime, I say screw it and head to the local Publix to reaffirm my fashion-victim status by buying some Peds to eliminate that farting sound. It'll look silly, but I'm too old to be worried about it's like when people say that socks with sandals is a big no-no; I say, yeah, maybe when you're my age, but if you're 70, pair it with a "Who Gives a Shit?" t-shirt and go to town...anyway...

No Peds, but plenty of ankle socks that'll look just as bad. Then I see something similar...and frickin' ingenious. No Nonsense makes hosiery that cover just the toes or just the instep; it's designed for added comfort for all those damned minimalist shoes that are out there for women nowadays. I grab the instep ones on faith, fit 'em over the ole bunion back at work, and sure enough, they do the trick! Holy cow! Fashion victim, be damned. I may still lumber around sometimes feeling like I've been dressed by Omar the Tent Maker, but I'll be wearing a pretty pair of clogs with it now :)

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The therapeutic nature of fiber

Fiber therapy. An actual term in the knitting and crocheting community, one that the average non-knitter or crocheter would probably laugh off as a chick thing and move on. But I have to say, it goes beyond putting yarn on needles and allowing your fingers to do something while you watch TV...

Friends and anyone who reads this blog know that I lost my dad 5 months ago. I've been shoving the grief aside for a bit (survival tactic, nose to the grindstone, etc.), and have naturally found that that means that when it surfaces, it's a pain the likes of which has yet to be measured by existing technology. Spent yesterday with my mom and she made the comment that it just wasn't fair, that he'd been talking about retiring in another year or so. That surprised me, because after they drained their savings in his layoff years back, he used to joke he'd be working until they buried him. The fact that he thought about retirement means he did look to the future occasionally, which jibes against the knowledge that there's an excellent chance his death was a direct result of his fear (of going under the knife for his varied medical conditions). And that just makes me ache.

So I wake up this morning from a dream that has a distinct danger of being recurring: the premise being that there was a mistake, that they'd mixed up the bodies, cremated someone else, and that he'd spent the last 5 months in a coma as a John Doe. I spent this dream elated that he was alive and terrified of getting my hopes up, because he could still die (yeah, yeah, we're all going to die, not the point)...I woke up and it took a couple of minutes for me to separate dream from reality, and reality left me in a seriously black mood. I'm working through another stage of denial, the it's-not-possible-that-he's-gone train of thought. The rage that accompanies the foreshadowing that I didn't hug him last time we were at their place, because it was a dodgy prospect with him, whether it'd be a warm or cold reception, and then thinking as we were pulling out of the driveway that I'd feel bad if that was the last time I had the chance, and IT WAS! Why does God place us in those situations?! Like I don't already have enough regrets about the gaps in our relationship, like it doesn't already make me ache and rage that he never got to know enough of me in this life, that he'll never know my future kids? I do believe that he knows me now, I have to believe that; it's what keeps me from screaming out loud (to the point of being locked up somewhere with padded walls) at the unfairness of his death. But it's not the same.

So I go online to distract myself this morning, and I log into Ravelry...add myself to a couple more groups...there's a Law & Order forum; ruthee'll get a chuckle outta that...and I check my email. Mochimochi Land has a new pattern, a frickin' adorable bathtub with bubbles. It makes me smile, and I click into the whole blog, because I haven't checked it out in a while. There's an even cuter pattern up for grabs, the toilet paper roll. I'm in love; what a hilarious idea! I just acquired a pile of white acrylic from the mominlaw, because even though I'm trying to purge my stash of the crazy amount of acrylic in it, I still have the inability to turn away free yarn. Heck, I'm goofy enough to wear that as a scarf, not just make it as a prank. I read some more forums, and scope the knitting community, and discover that my black mood has lifted considerably, that I can handle the beauty of the day without kicking a cat or being mean to the husby. That dream was a wake-up call that I need to work more diligently on my grief journals, but my hobby also served as a reminder that there's plenty in this world to smile at; you just have to know where to look.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make TP out of yarn :)

Friday, October 19, 2007

More piccies

Sand River in Hitchcock Woods

Limestone cliff in Hitchcock Woods

Devil's Backbone in Hitchcock Woods

Yeah, ok, borderline naughty, but I love this one...she just looks like she needs a caption, something like, "hang on a minute, willya! I'm thinking and playing with my boob!"

Buddhist kitty

Just random stuff from the SC visit...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Hitchcock Woods

Forgot I downloaded this...some niece shots sidetracked by Ravelry last night :) Got invited in yesterday, got home from work, and started taking pictures of my UFOs, stash, and the finished objects I'm more proud of. Uploaded almost everything to the site except my needle, is it fun to snoop around in there! My LilSis would be surprised, I think, by the sheer number of crafty folks on that's sort of like MySpace for knitters, and looks like it'll be a neat tool for trading patterns, destashing for cash, etc. I already look forward to approaching the designer of the mermaid fingerless gloves for assistance, when I reach the thumb gusset...when I've started them, that is, LOL! Sooooooooooooooooo many neat patterns.....

I'm in a mood today, so may not go to KB...been in a mood this week actually; can't tell if it's SC trip decompression or the usual orneryness at the holding pattern that is our life. Probably both...I tidied the bedroom a bit early on, which created floor space and lightened my mood, but the dining room is suffering again, and I'm not setting foot near there to clean until we get more cat litter tomorrow, so...patience.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Aiken was.....

.....I'm thinking.....

Family issues were afoot, which made the household itself quite stressful. I attempted to steer clear of the drama by spending lots of time outdoors, knitting, reading, walking, exploring. Friday was shoe shopping and a pretty top; Saturday was a serious hike in Hitchcock Woods (for this body anyway), taking care of niece, and visiting with dear friend of Lilsisinlaw; Sunday was puttering and more niece time. She's 15 months old and seems to be developing ok, in spite of the fact that both her parents are addicts and emotional retards.

Hitchcock Woods was exhilarating!!! Tried a different entrance, but it was way too private to park, so I went back to the main entry and just took a different route off the main path. The result was some hills I don't think I've encountered the likes of since the Breast Cancer walk in NY in '02; my quads and knees are still deciding if we're on speaking terms. I took a walk around the neighborhood yesterday before we left, to try to work out the kinks, but I did a little jogging, so my knees are having a talk with me today, something akin to "hey dipshit, get down to 2 bills before you do that again!"

After the walk yesterday, I sat in their side yard and grounded, centered, and tried the blue feri flame exercise from Evolutionary Witchcraft. Felt terrific afterwards :) and the walking reminded me of how much I love being outdoors. I want to make walking a habit, was even thinking of changing my work schedule so I can get out in the mornings and not be pressed for time, but with daylight savings finishing up, I think I'll hold off and just work on making time for me regardless.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Are we there yet?

It'll be dark when we drive the back roads tonight, but I'm still going to roll down the window and breathe deeply through my nose. I'm going to traipse through a different entry of Hitchcock Woods. I'm going to lie flat in their side yard and roll in the pine needles. I'm going to hug the trees in their front yard. If I get around to it, I'll hug them too.

We're going up to SC to visit the inlaws this weekend. It's going to be a tight fit; Husby's sis, small person, and insignificant other have moved back in, a friend of LilSisinlaw's is coming to visit, and another family friend (surrogate daughter to Grandma, bitch-on-wheels to us - she was the voice in Grandma's ear, convincing her not to help Les with his teeth) is staying as well. I don't want to seem unsociable, but I think I'll be spending a lot of time outside.

We really can't afford to go to the fair like we were planning, but I made the mistake of checking out the SC State Fair website, and I think I'll be convincing us we can afford it. It looks like a blast. Animals and arts and crafts and food and Chinese drummers and......I really need this change of scene; my brain's been hurting this week with the knowledge that Dad's gone, and I need to breathe some fresh air and take stock again. For all my talk about hanging onto the good feelings from the last time we were up there, I haven't really centered since July. I'm taking knitting up there of course, and I'm dipping back into Starhawk's books, as well as T. Thorn Coyle's book on (Feri) Evolutionary Witchcraft, because I've been searching for tomes on meditation and it dawned on me yesterday that what I was looking for, was right on my own bookshelf. Isn't that always the way? And if I'm going to be this damn sad for the near future, I need to find ways to be ok with it. Just can't afford to be at loose ends right now...

"Oh Emma Rae, I have a cookbook to publish......and a Grand Prix to organize.....and I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I so richly deserve!"

—Julia Roberts, paraphrased from "Something to Talk About"

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Is nothing sacred?!?!

I've been halfheartedly trying to eat healthier and more in tune with the environment. I've darkened the doorstep of Native Sun on several occasions now, I'm reading up on what constitutes organic, and while I doubt I'll have the culinary repertoire for quite a while to go full-on vegetarian, I've been studying the pros and cons of industry meat vs. pasture-raised, and it's only our poor financial status that keeps me from purchasing only the good stuff, because it really does taste better.

So I'm poring over the home page of the Organic Consumers Association this morning, and happen upon a story that distresses me to no end: Greenpeace Exposes Anheuser-Busch for Having Genetically Engineered Rice in its Beer.


Granted, I'm not a huge drinker (again, that lackomoney thing usually keeps it outta the fridge), but when I do imbibe, I enjoy plain, ole ordinary Bud as my beer of choice. While my wallet usually dictates what ends up in the shopping cart these days, my newfound knowledge makes for a heck of a lot of hemming and hawing in the grocery store lately. We bought a Publix rotisserie precooked chicken this past weekend, and it took me 2 days to cut into the damn thing because of my new knowledge on the truly heinous living conditions that your average chicken bred for roasting endures (microscopic lifespan, unnaturally enhanced feed, walking around in the poop of 1000 other chickens, clipped beaks, etc...I'm telling ya, never watch one of those pro-vegan vids on the web unless you have a strong stomach or no conscience).

So anyway, finding out they're using genetically modified rice in Budweiser distresses me. They're probably only using it as a filler, but the mindset of "it's legal in the US so it's ok...we just won't sell it overseas" makes me want to scream, brings to mind the old Jurassic Park/Ian Malcolm argument: "just because you can do something, doesn't mean that you should." (Possibly even more hilarious is the level of hypocrisy in my holier-than-thou attitude...I was such a conservative sheep and so eager to be a joiner back in college, that I once made it on an NPR soundbite lobbying for food irradiation. I still remember the pride in my dad's face when he told me he'd heard me on the radio. That's one of the reasons right there, that I don't think I'll ever be an atheist, because I have to believe that Dad's out there somewhere, getting to know the person I am now...I'm digressing again...where was I?....oh yeah, the corporate bastards are messing with my beer!)

I mean, frick-on-a-stick, does this seriously mean I should boycott Budweiser? I know it'll be an ethical argument in my head the next time I pass the beer cooler, whether I plan to purchase or not. This could actually be a really good thing; I mean, it's not like the crap should be making it into my shopping cart in the first's no good for me on several levels. Rather hilarious that this could be the straw that keeps me from purchasing, when the fact that it's no good for me has never stopped me before. We humans are so frickin' pathetic sometimes. Now I just need to find out something really seriously lousy about the manufacturing of your average chocolate (like the old rumors about rat hair and toenails making it into your hot dogs or peanut butter...yeesh!), and I'll be on the road to actual health! Hey, and while I'm at it, why don't I grow a spine to go with this fantastic brain, quit looking for hardcore reasons not to eat lousy, and just take care of myself?! I'm starting to piss myself topic...

Got a huge pile of family photos yesterday (from Lil Sis, from an aunt); some good ones of Dad from his visit to CT for his brother's funeral last year. Makes me cry to look at them, but also makes me grateful that we went up there in June and got to get back in touch with cousins and folks - it's so great to see how people have grown and put names with faces. Mom's probably getting back today from another visit up there; she went to my dad's 50th high school reunion. I caved to emotional eating last night and let sleep come early, but tonight I need to recognize that if it tries to happen, and do some writing or knitting instead. Started another pair of cheater's fingerless gloves last night; I'd love to make a bunch of pairs of those before it gets cold here....which given my location and our current scary climate changes (can you believe the Chicago marathon?!) means I've got some time.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Columbus Day, Shmolumbus Day

Seriously, do they still espouse what an amazing traveler this guy was? I mean granted, I get my history now from a combo plate of Howard Zinn and Kingsolver, but I'm wondering how they can still say the guy discovered America when a) there's proof he didn't do it first, b) he was kind enough to make the Indians slaves when he touched down, and c) he had no problem spreading disease like a brush fire with his "gifts"..... makes me wonder if/when my kids do end up in public schools, if I'm going to have to spend Saturdays undoing the damage...

I'm in a mood...canya tell?

5 months this coming Friday...I'm thinking of taking down his pictures for a while; it's hurting again to see them. Broke down this weekend watching a frickin' Sonic commercial, because they're advertising a chocolate shake with Whoppers™ mixed in...and Dad loved malted milk balls. Could just see him shaking his head at me. But it's obvious I'm going through another wave of raw where he's concerned, so I'm going to try and work on the grief journal this week, maybe have some talks with him.

We went to Chamblin's with 2½ boxes of books on Saturday, and blew most of the credit on that visit. I found a really nice gardening primer and a Kathy Smith I've been would be so easy to spend entire afternoons in that store.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Random thoughts

Feast or famine where weather's concerned...wasn't it just 3 months-or-so ago we were praying for rain because you couldn't walk outside without tasting wood smoke in the back of your throat? Now, a week of rain and swollen rivers later and more threatening for the weekend, and all Floridians can do is whine. Like this tropical weather is something new for us. People annoy me.

Granted it helps that I live smack between the Atlantic and the St. Johns...we don't even have to evac if a CAT5 hits. But the way people get when it rains just makes me laugh. Hit Native Sun the other night after work for more lettuce and then dropped next door to Publix for a handful of less healthy essentials...when I got out of Publix, there was a hard, soaking rain coming down and a pack of people standing in front of the front doors, struck dumb, apparently trying to wait for a reprieve...what the hell for? I slipped right past them and walked, not ran, to my car, because a) if I get wet, I'm pretty sure I will eventually dry, and b) I ain't made of brown sugar. I guess if I was dressed up and on my way someplace important, I could see the point, but I'm sure not going to run from store to car in the rain and risk hurting myself, or wait it out when I could be cozy at home with my knitting and a book. People baffle me too.

Working regular hours is a royal pain when you worked a big 17 hours the week prior...

We probably can't afford to go to SC next weekend.....I'm gonna have to get out and do some hiking to assuage my outdoors ache...I was looking forward to hitting the Hitchcock Woods up there again...and I'm trying to not think about missing the SC state fair...digging up some gardening books at the library tonight, hopefully that'll remedy my antsyness for now...godinheaven, I hate Florida! I could handle this overcast weather just fine if it had enough snap in the air to warrant a scarf or jacket. Mid-80s in October is depressing in the extreme...hopefully the baking/knitting/reading I hope to do this weekend will be a balm of sorts.

I'm missing Dad this week.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Downright unsettling. The epiphany hit at 1:42 p.m. yesterday, after a lunch of leftover teriyaki chicken with salad, granola bar, applesauce.....the realization that my face wasn't hitting the keyboard, butt wasn't dragging, mind wasn't going 'round the bend with that numb, dear-god-get-me-the-F-outta-here tiredness. In fact, could that At 2 in the afternoon, doubtful; must be hormonal, yeah, that's it. But here I am the next day, 2:20ish, after a lunch of salad and juice and healthy snacks at the ready, and I feel. F-ing. fantastic!

How to make it last....well, keep eating healthy, for one. Last night was a little too carb-filled, but the main course was my broccoli-cauliflower souffle (yes, folks, it's round), cuz we had the leftovers and Husby requested it. Tonight I'm thinking beans with rice and cornbread...fairly cheap and easy. The exercise thing is still lacking, mainly because I'm using our current monsoon conditions as an excuse not to walk. I really don't like using the treadmill at the complex; besides the indoors aspect of it, there's always the chance you end up working out with one of the unwashed masses that also live in our colorful neighborhood. Problem is, when I spend the extra time making a decent meal in the evenings, it cuts into my exercise time; so there's some time management issues to be addressed in the short term....because it's just way too easy to blow off going for a walk. Thankfully, Husby's recent knowledge of his high cholesterol is motivating him to eat healthier as well, and to express interest in walking with me in the evenings. We'll see...point being, when he's hurting and can't walk, rather than sit on my butt in front of the tube, I need to exercise anyway. There's all these lazy-assed roadblocks, that are only roadblocks if I let 'em be...

And I'm reading up on healthier diet alternatives and ways to integrate the 3 basic tenets of good health (nutrition, exercise, and stress management) into my life without shocking the ole system. I want to learn to incorporate meditation or centering into my daily regimen, I want to walk or exercise everyday, and I want to eat right. That's the biggie, and a delightful realization, actually wanting to eat right. Faced with the meager propositions of a larder that's waning fast and zero money to replenish it at present, my first thought this morning was Dollar Menu at McD's. Then I thought, god no, pulled the last of the lettuce out of the crisper, and threw together a salad. And it was such an easy choice! This ain't brain surgery, I know, but it's such a refreshing change; and I just pray I have the strength to keep it up.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Misty Monday

Nice smathering of rain as the weekend wound up yesterday, that's carried over to today, bringing with it that breeze that's been keeping things from being so godawful muggy...first of October...makes me wistful for pumpkins and leaf change...I do want to do some cooking and cutting with pumpkins this season, just can't afford it the meantime, I'll take some of the apples in the crisper and try that apple bread recipe...

I'm doing better, though I can only attribute it to hormones on the upswing. Strangely contented weekend...the walk was lovely...the zoo was packed with kids, and it was neat to see Hunter in public, how he acts and reacts to stimuli. That breeze made everything really comfortable, and the four of us (Mom, Cyril, H, and me) had a good time. Afterward, Les and I had our eye appointments (only minor changes)...we got home and I quickly realized that I'd slide into depression if I let myself nap or relax too much, so I grabbed my books and took off to the library to return a couple and look for a couple, then wended my way to Native Sun to give it another good lookaround. I'm glad I did; my mind was more open this time, and I came away with some knowledge and munchies. That place will really come in handy if I decide to try any ayurvedic routes, and I definitely want to do my produce and some meat shopping there when we're more financially able. It's an interesting balancing act...finding a happy medium between eating healthy for you vs. eating healthy for the environment, and it both helps and complicates things that regular grocery stores are carrying more and more organic foods...again, it means being a prudent shopper. I'll pay .99 cents for organic canned beans at Native Sun if I can get about the same thing for the same price at Publix, but I'm not going to pay a dollar more per can for Wolfgang Puck soup at Native Sun when I can find it cheaper at Publix...that kind of thing.

Unfortunately, integrating a healthier diet means some experiments on the stove, and the one I did Saturday was rather vile...stir-fried veggies when I should've just steamed them. But live and learn, and Les is one of the more easygoing guys on the planet so I was able to ruefully admit my mistakes without feeling like slugslime.

Sunday was a good day...lousy, female-wise, but whatever pain that brings, it brings an equal or greater amount of energy and motivation. I woke up determined to clear away a pinch of the detritus in our house. I started in the foyer where things had started to pile up, moved onto the bookcase and couch cushions I've been meaning to toss, and lugged some Goodwill junk to the car. Cleaned out one of our old litter boxes, which, porch permitting, I'm hoping to use for a planter in the near future. Cleaned the bathroom too, in a couple of corners that haven't seen cleanser in oh, let's just say a while :) There's a huge bag of trash that needs to be broken down, and 2½ boxes of books headed to Chamblin's still, but it was a really good start. If work keeps up with the sporadic (or even if it doesn't), I intend to make use of my weeknights properly and get some more organizing done. Didn't get any work-related research done this weekend either (hunting, pondering the ole future, etc.) and I worked a whopping 17 hours last week, so some thought's going into that subject this week too.