Monday, November 30, 2009

We interrupt this blog for an extremely short motivational speech...


We return you now to your regularly scheduled blog :)

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Holiday weekend

Really gotta learn to keep my hand steady on the ole point and click...also, these are in reverse chronological order...we smoked the turkey at our place and then went to Mom's, hence the cat watching the fire here. Also, Mom looks mopey in that first pic, but she's actually mellow...she'd had a glass of wine :)
Thursday...Baking, cooking, watching Macy's, watching the dog show, went to Mom's, ate yummy food, saw Lil Bro, revelled in the cold weather...really nice, starting a new tradition I think, for Thanksgiving...

Black Friday...up at decent hour, to mall with Mom & Lil Sis, to Walmart, to St. Johns Town Center, wandering, shopping, people watching, eating good food...had SUCH a good time, even though I couldn't spend a gorgeous!

Saturday...TV, to farmer's market with Mom & Lil Sis, lunch at Al's (my new pizza fave in town), wandering the Westside hitting old haunts, home, knitting, TV...

Sunday...serious relaxing, getting back into work mode, light baking, ignoring laundry...


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Nice surprise

So I happen over to the ole Gmail account, which I only check about every 6 months or so, because I plain don't use the sucker...and discover I may have missed out on winning a drawing. Back in May, MommaZen held a drawing for a copy of her first book of the same title, and sure enough, I'd won! Her newsletter has also been going to that Gmail account, which was a little confusing, because I plain don't use that account for anything anymore. Could've sworn I had the Yahoo addy buried on this blog somewhere, but I guess if folks tried to reach me through here, it's only been directing to the Gmail. Well, I fixed that.

But ACK! What to do about the winning? I dropped Karen an email, and she must've been online at the same time, because I received a nice note back fast, offering to send me the book! I'm so glad! For a topic as seemingly ethereal as Zen, a lot of the books on the subject conversely can be quite heavy-handed in their treatment of the topic, but her essays are thought-provoking and easy to read. I'm looking forward to this unexpected gift to myself :)


I kind of love Thanksgiving (pretty sure I've mentioned before how it's my fave holiday), and I'm determined not to get too depressed about any dietary limitations I need to inflict upon myself this year. The key is moderation. I haven't been diagnosed yet. I know my body. I'll experiment, try a little of this, a little of that, and steer clear of the booze.

Lil Sis is fashioning a nice meal that's pretty diabetic-friendly for Thanksgiving (my mom was diagnosed a couple of months ago), but with Les and Lil Bro also in attendance, I want to have some evil foods too >:) I'll make one of Paula Deen's greater inventions, apple butter pumpkin pie, which Les would take intravenously if he could, and I'm planning a naughty side dish of some sort. Funny how my thinking is changing though...was trolling Potato Gratin recipes and came across one of Emeril's, that sounded sinfully delicious, but called for, among other things, 6 egg yolks and a pound of Gruyere. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped while I was reading it, so I moved on.

Temps dropping into the upper 30s on Thursday night/Friday morning...oh darn :) I'll be the one sleeping on the porch. Ok, not really, but boy will it be nice to legitimately wear one of my sweaters again or throw on a scarf...

I know my body...yeah,'s amazing how quickly life can unravel if you let to work this morning and started feeling like crap. Realized I had about 3 different reasons for it (1st day of monthly fun, Paxil withdrawal b/c I'm a dumbass and haven't refilled my Rx yet, not enough breakfast). So I went to lunch early, grabbed food and my Paxil, and downed some Advil while I was at it, and the difference is marked. So silly that I should be this old and still letting sh*t unravel like's like holding onto sand underwater sometimes, I dumb...anyway, feeling a lot better.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look up the lyrics to "Over the River and Through the Woods." :)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Fell off the wagon and it ran me over...

Checked some books out of the library about diabetes. Woke up hypoglycemic this morning after indulging in candy and pasta the night before. Sucks that I'm getting the hint right before Thanksgiving, but can't be helped. Maybe next year...

Bad news at dentist too...two teeth with multiple cracks that will require crowns and a possible root canal. The worse news is that I really can't afford to get 'em fixed until after the first of the year.

So glad I'm only working 2 days this week. Making an appt with my doc for my next Monday off, so I can talk test results. I'm a bit down, but just going to concentrate on educating myself and planning my meals well.

Friday, November 20, 2009


So Irina won Project Runway :P Boo!

Can you imagine being hated on by the general public like that girl is? I know she dug her own grave with her attitude, but geez...

I'm a Carol Hannah fan, but I fell in love with Althea's hat last night (the one on her head, not any of her models)...large with fat cables. It's inspiring me to crib something together using the cheat of a fat cabled capelet pattern from Lion Brand (posting link, but requires registration). Also thinking of creating a skirt for myself for the company Christmas hoping to start fleshing out that dream this weekend.

SO nice to step outside and not sweat.....Florida fall is finally here! 70s during the day, 50s at night. Still not cold enough for me, but sweet relief all the same.

Cardio still a sticking point, but the diet end of it is going well....was seriously craving bad food earlier today (gotta be hormonal...REALLY wanted a burger from the mom-and-pop place down the street), and instead hit Publix for granola bars and blue corn chips to go with the lunch I'd already brought to work. That'll keep me and then some if I work late today, which I'm trying to grab the motivation to do. I'm learning.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Just keep swimming...

It's so easy to let life live you a bit, rather than you feeling like you're totally in charge....yeah, like we have any control over the grand scheme...but I wax existential. That's how the last couple of days have been. In my defense, I'm hormonal, but still...

Still doing well. I definitely do better with a little structure though, say, with a work day. I allow the clock and my tummy to dictate when I eat, and that's easier at work. Weekend (and payday) proved a pinch more difficult to eat healthy, but I did pretty well for myself and the scale tells the tale (yeah, you didn't really believe I'd stay off the sucker, didya?).

Exercise is trickier...I did 2 miles on Saturday morning, which felt fantastic, but also told me I walk better on the treadmill. Much as I adore the outdoors, my gait issues demand a rhythm while I'm this big, and walking on the access road, I definitely didn't pay close enough attention to my stride because my knees were achy for days afterward. I've been listening to music to help the time go by while exercising, but I just monitor myself better on the treadmill - like I've said, it faces the window, allows me to watch myself, my whole body, as I move. So I took a couple of days off after the aforementioned hormonal symptoms, which bring aches down both legs as I get close to the monthly fun. No more excuses though, tonight I'm doing a load of laundry and 45 minutes on the bike or 30 on the treadmill.

Our money issues demand a little menu planning lately. Last night we did tilapia, and this morning I prepped a pot roast into the crock pot that we'll eat off of for the next couple of days.

We're barely making ends meet, and I don't know how the hell we're going to manage the holidays. I hate the idea of giving people only baked gifts, but that's just pride talking...I know it's perfectly fine to give of yourself this's just hard to reconcile after years of being with a family that likes to go all out for the holidays (his...ah, mine too, now that Dad's gone, but you feel less guilt on foisting said baked goods onto your own family, ya know...)...even though we've all trimmed back in recent years...still, I need to get away from the tube and get in front of the sewing machine; there are several ideas percolating in my head for small sewn gifts that wouldn't cost much at all. I'm in the spirit, in spite of the money woes, though I refuse to wear my xmas earrings or sing a carol until November 26 :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Happiness is... straining to reach 60F and not succeeding. reverse seasonal affective disorder kicking in thanks to said weather, producing this grin I can't seem to keep off my face, even if it'll only last a day.

...dunking my peanut butter sandwich in my chicken noodle soup.

...Day 4 of this new life, still going strong.

...sharing the elevator with a coworker with a bag of McD's and feeling nothing, no deprivation. 3-day weekend coming up, just 'cause I need to burn PTO.

...thinking about hitting the stationary bike after work.

...finding the goose feather in the pocket of my overshirt.

...improved posture and jeans fitting.

I will not go near a scale for at least the first month. Why do that to myself? I'll simply enjoy my clothes fitting better. Besides we women are blessed with the ability to lose weight 3 weeks out of a month and then seemingly gain it all back the 4th week, thanks to hormones, water retention, whatever...I won't let a number dictate my health. I'm dictating it, for the first time ever.

I was thinking about my eating habits in high school, and abysmal doesn't cover it...these habits have been ingrained over a lifetime, not just a couple of years. At Wamogo (junior high/9th and 10th), I'd have a mug of tea in the mornings before catching the bus, and maybe an Instant Breakfast. Lunch degraded as I got older...2nd senior year especially (serious lonely time), my lunch was a brownie, a small bag of Fritos, and an iced tea loaded with sugar. Dinner was normal and we weren't deluged with crappy snacks at home much (there was Pepsi in the house, but there was also the express understanding that it was for my parents' rye drinks, not us kids), but the damage was done. And then of course, college, where you're allowed to eat whatever the hell you want, so long as the money holds out, and my addiction to movie theater popcorn was conceived in my desperation to avoid classes, adulthood, etc.

Maybe I'm finally outgrowing it...but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with finally loving myself enough to change.

Getting bored yet? I'll switch back to other topics's just been such a good week and I'm feeling so's a splash of other news:

Started second sock, fearing I've made them too small, but they're for a small MIL. Will fast Sunday night, pick up paperwork at doc's on Monday morning, and get my bloodwork and GTT done. Hell, I already fast now, haven't eaten anything after dinner at all this week. Enjoying a hole in one tooth that's contributing to my headaches as much as the blood sugar working itself out...that'll get fixed on the 23rd. Haven't given much thought to Thanksgiving, because the money's not going to be there for me to go all-out. I do have one side dish in mind, a cauliflower-sweet potato something, if I can find where the frick I put the recipe.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Such energy!

I literally bound out of bed. It's in part because I know I won't sleep with the snooze button, because the bod's a little sore. Did the half hour on the treadmill last's one of those fancy thousand-dollar jobs that measures your heart rate if you want, so I was able to monitor myself, keep it high without going too high. Tried out several different gait lengths, from a very light jog to my long-legged stride. The treadmill faces the windows in the fitness center, so I was able to keep an eye on my knees, make sure my gait didn't fag out too much. Got back in time to watch the 2nd half of Biggest Loser while stretching, and that has to have made a difference because I'm not that bad off today at all, and it was the first time in months, maybe a year, that I've done any concentrated exercise. Geez, that's embarassing.

Having a small Healthy Choice meal fill me up is surprising. I'll experiment with cooking as I continue on this journey, of course, but the battery went dead in the car yesterday, resulting in extra errands after work, and I wasn't going to find an excuse not to work out, so it was grab it and growl last night.

There's always excuses to fall back on, until you make the decision to live differently. I could easily have told myself I should wait until I get my bloodwork done. Or hit the drive-thru yesterday at McD's instead of Publix, where I headed for the soup aisle and found something quite satisfying and low in fat and sugar carbs. Geez, if I'd done that, I wouldn't have known the battery was dying until the end of the day - it quit the first time in the Publix parking lot. But I can't even think about fast food right now, don't want the lethargy it produces, and besides, I'm off white potatoes, so what's the point of hitting McD's...I'm making the time to eat breakfast at home and prepping lunch, when there's food in the house, the night before. That's making a huge difference, and I'm feeling so good right now. I look at the years of emotional eating with a kind of disbelief; it baffles me that, intelligent as I am, I could graze and graze to the point of discomfort and not stop, or see it for what it was.

I thank y'all for the support, it means so much! Don't even want to say wish me luck, because it has nothing to do with luck. I know I have a LOT of hard work ahead, and right now, I'm just revelling in the strength that's presenting itself and making the job enjoyable.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Turning Point

I've spoken plenty of times on here about my health, my large body, nonexistent self-image, and desire to get healthy. It's old news and, up until now, indicative of a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, emotional eating/food addiction, and crappy self-esteem, with my legitimate chemical imbalances thrown in for good measure.

I gained the weight for several reasons. Being on Paxil and Lithium is one culprit. Sitting on my ass in a desk job for the past 12 years didn't help, and I was never a natural athlete to begin with. Well, that's half-false, as I'm sure there's an athlete in me, but thanks to flat feet and knocked knees (which cause gait and posture problems), high-school band, and said crappy self-esteem, I never put myself out there past junior high in any sports. Pity, as I was in great shape back then...145 pounds, 5'7"ish, and thought I was fat. Gotta love the '80s. So I'm saying it's not in my normal daily schedule to walk a mile, lift some weights, or go for a swim. Yet.

During Dad and Mom's darker days, he'd crack wise that she wasn't losing weight as a way of getting back at him somehow. I'm pretty sure that's an issue, however tiny, existing in my psyche as well. I never expected to get married, was settling my brain into the idea of being permanently single, and Les came along with his unconditional love. Being unused to the idea of someone loving you like that, causes you to test said love. Sure, my folks loved me unconditionally too, but in the early days, they sucked ass at showing it. Dad never thought he was deserving of love, and that rubbed off on us kids and instilled those feelings in us. I'm old enough now to get a handle on those thoughts, but it's always a bit of a work in progress. Les and I have been together for 12+ years and it still baffles me that he's stuck around. God, let me get over that nonsense before small ones arrive on the scene...

Anyhoo, I think I've gone prediabetic. That knowledge slams home hard. I'm a chocoholic with a serious sweet tooth...enjoy me some sugar with my chocolate cake and add some fries on the side. Lack of portion control and significant hedonism have caused my diet to spiral out of control for years now. McDonald's and Starbucks became regular go-to spots to assuage cravings (they're close to work...god, I love me a frappucino!). However, I enjoyed a hypoglycemic crash this past weekend, and the symptoms are still presenting themselves. I read too much, and I know my body. It's time to change before I give myself a heart attack or destroy my pancreas. They call it morbidly obese for a reason.

I've put a call into my doctor's office to get fresh lab work done, blood draws for my LDL/HDL levels, triglycerides, etc., and a 3-hour glucose tolerance test. I'm purchasing Bob Greene's Best Life book on Managing Diabetes and Pre-Diabetes, and I'm updating my glucometer this weekend with a new battery, strips, and lancets. I've already started changing my eating habits...managed to keep the calorie count around 1800 yesterday, I'm watching my carbs and educating myself on distinguishing good from bad, and I got in 10 minutes of exercise walking/being dragged by Mom's mutt.

The change is marked: significant energy and this great feeling of doing right by me. Tonight I have laundry planned, which I'll wait for transitioning from washer to dryer by enjoying half an hour of treadmill or stationary bike time, as the micro-fitness center at my complex is right next to the laundry room. My sleep has been disrupted lately by low blood sugar headaches, so I'm not pressing myself to get up at the crack yet to exercise. One thing at a time, gotta stabilize the system first.

I have no desire to grab a quick double cheese or an eggnog latte right now. My desire to change is really strong, and I'm feeling fantastic about feeling better. I pray this strength continues, as my health really does depend on it.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fantastic Friday

No particular reason...every Friday's fantastic when you work a 9 to 5.

Can't believe it's been a week since last post...not a lot to report...still don't whip out the camera enough, still too warm, still bored at work. Given the new unemployment stats, my gratitude shifted upwards again, but it's still mind-numbing doing straight editing and has me thinking about what I want to search for next year in the Carolinas...

Temps dipping into 40s finally at night, but they don't stay there long, and the promise of 80s is back for next week. I'm going to spend the weekend organizing small areas of the apartment as well as my Carolina information, so I can focus on specific cities to put out feelers in, in the coming months...

Excellent Newsweek article that underlines, in the wake of the Fort Hood horror, the clusterf*ck that is the military's inability to deal with stress...

Working socks for MIL and planning to sew a portfolio cover for a SIL Xmas gift...will work those this weekend too. Hoping for a relaxing weekend with small efforts to replenish soul...not much to ask.