Monday, March 31, 2008
VERY tired of being tired...I'm sorry, did I say VERY? I meant, VERY!
I can't stand whining, so I'll try not to belabor the point, but geez, did I have to bag the entire weekend on account of depression and sickness? Yes, apparently so. I'm not sleeping right, still coughing, feel physically exhausted, and my appetite's nonexistent, which is great for the waistline, but lousy for the energy level. Wandered Publix last night frustrated, before grabbing a can of soup, of which I only ate 2/3rds--very unMelanie-like. I'm not even grazing, and I'm not getting enough protein lately, which of course contributes to my low energy level. I'm very happy with the behavior change it's creating, but I have to get more good food back into my regimen, because the only way I'm going to mend from this damn flu is to take care of all of me.
So, this week's going to be about grounding. I'll stick to basic stretching and yoga, because I just can't do more yet without it flattening me, and I'm going to concentrate on the basics of appreciating the elements again. Lighting a candle in the evenings, running my fountain, centering, and basic cleaning to improve our environment in the apartment. Nothing earth-shattering, just what's needed to maintain a healthy foundation.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Set aside The Fifth Sacred Thing in favor of The Twelve Wild Swans, getting back to basics. It's very frustrating to be laying in bed feeling like crap, and wondering if there's anything more you could be doing. Even simple grounding eluded me yesterday; I'm going to try some simple meditation or visualization later. When I sat outside yesterday, instead of recharging me, it left me spent, and while I know that that's the flu tasking my stores, I know I could be doing small things to bring myself back to the earth. Just because I can't plant this spring doesn't mean I can't have the dirt in my fingers.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Still tired and weak, but back at work...I recommend Tamiflu and the ole Zpack to anybody who needs a fast recovery from the flu; it's worth the money. I was quite a few days into the fun before I got the meds, but it appears to be nailing it nicely. Could tell I was feeling better when I spent part of yesterday afternoon doing a small project, and lamenting that I wasn't going to have enough time to get X or Y done before having to go back to work today... just isn't Melanie without the disappointment of things unaccomplished. Gotta lighten up a bit...it's fine to have tasks in the mental hopper, but there's something to be said for free time too. Once I was rallying a tad, there was the simple pleasure of knitting a row or indulging in an old book, and I realized I was experiencing a level of relaxation that I don't normally allow myself, even on the weekends.
So. A little yoga and walking this weekend, some cleaning, and lots of relaxing while I continue to mend. I cleared a space off one dresser and set out some altar items, because I started reading The Fifth Sacred Thing again and am finding strength in the simple beauty of the elements.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Sorry, just had to get that out there...shed the whine early, maybe I've got a shot at a decent day now. Hey, it could happen.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
But my body's starting to rally from the bliss that is womanhood...headaches abating, energy returning, and I'm looking to the weekend and better use of my evenings. Started Candleflame last night, because I was bored and a glutton for punishment evidently...my wardrobe badly needs a lift, but after plowing through all my old Interweaves, I couldn't decide on a shell, so went the scarf route. As it starts to tip into the 80s here (temperature, not era), it's harder to imagine wearing anything, short- or long-sleeved, that originates as yarn. We'll see how far it makes it past those first 18 rows...I'm definitely bored with my current UFOs though, mainly the Beach, because I'm only about halfway up the body of the bottom color, and that much straight stockinette in the round is a drag, even for me...will probably indulge in more Cozy for variety in the coming weeks, unless I can get my paws on some material and a top pattern.
P.S. Definitely off Clomid until we figure out what's going on with my knee...
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The good news is, no indications of arthritis in either knee! Given the estimation that you put twice your weight on your knees climbing stairs, and 6 times your weight on them going down stairs, I call the appearance of cartilage still in both knees a minor miracle. Serious motivator to lose some weight...I mean, 6 times your weight!? We're getting into holy shit numbers there!
Monday, March 17, 2008
So I'm playing hookey today from work and taking stock a bit...
The Kingston Trio was delightful, and the symphony's selections beforehand were excellent. They rounded off their half with Scenes from Far & Away...that movie soundtrack kept me sane through my last year of college, and it moved me to tears to hear it played. And the Kingston Trio...I'm pretty sure I was tapping into subconscious memories with those songs, because I don't remember them specifically as part of Mom and Dad's repertoire of favorites back in the day, but it's like maybe they played that stuff back when we lived on Ferris or Silvermine Avenues (ages birth to 5ish for me), so while they're not actual memories, they reside on the outskirts of my brain somewhere. Such a nice evening with Mom :)
Stayed home the next day, because Mom wanted to do the taxes that morning and needed the lack of distraction, plus I knew if we'd be babysitting that night, I needed to take "me" time that day so that it wouldn't feel so overwhelming later. Good move; the babysitting itself was fine. The 3+ year old takes a shine to Les, so they hung out while I tended to the 6-month-old, who was an absolute dream until he woke up from a nap and realized the ole parentals still weren't there, and then he cried. Lustily. For a solid half hour. Big tears. I know it was my unfamiliarity with him causing his fear (coupled with a raw diaper rash spot probably), but it was still a bit scary and disheartening. And seeing those 2 in their environment helped me realize how I really don't want to be starting out with a small one in this apartment, but with time running against me, we're really going to have to just cross that bridge as we come to it.
I'll probably transplant a pile of the aloe next weekend, when Mom's at the Cape (Cod, not Canaveral - reunion with her sisters).
Sunday was hard, a day of reckoning budget-wise, so the baking went on the back burner. Not sure what i got accomplished yesterday, come to think of it...Saturday morning was good: the sewing machine does work, I started the pillow...it took me 2 runs at least to figure out tension issues there too, but it was me getting used to the machine again, and recognizing the patience required while feeding the material through...the 3rd side was near perfect. I did 4 rows of Cozy on Saturday and the other 4 on Sunday. Read a bit. TV was on by noon something on Sunday, just couldn't manage it. But sleep really sucked last night, and when I woke up today I knew I needed the extra day, so I took it.
Orthopedist later, and deciding if I want to do Clomid again this month...and calling the apartment complex about renewing the lease. I got some more sleep, and I'm rallying.
Friday, March 14, 2008
- Water aloe
- Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra & Kingston Trio with Mom...NEAT!
- Ask Mom about bringing aloe plants over tomorrow (they're fading fast under little sun, looking lousy...sticking them in her front yard should help)
- Go over to Mom's in the morning and scope out computer desk. Talk aloe positioning.
- While at Mom's, felt bag.
- Back home, block bag.
- Confirm sewing machine works by sewing three sides of pillow (adorable fabric—has Hershey's miniatures, Kisses, and little Reese's cups). Tear up one or two of our old pillows and work filler material, so it won't be as lumpy as it is currently.
- Probably lose interest in pillow, rather than stuffing and closing it...move onto sweater repair work.
- Pick up Cozy and do 8 rows.
- Babysitting for friends. Take no knitting; apparently these boys won't fall asleep on us.
Sunday—No Technology Day
- Sleep in, following exhaustion of spending Saturday evening with small boys
- Walk to store to pick up paper and sundries.
- Bake WHO(oooooo...) bread and make butter from scratch.
- Plan dinners for the week; make broccoli/cauliflower souffle for Husby just cuz.
- Budget for the rest of the month.
Most of that's doable. I'm betting I won't get all the crafty stuff accomplished on Saturday, but may ditch the westside trip, otherwise that day will go by like lightening (and then screech to a halt when we're sitting amidst the 3-year-old and the 6-month-old).
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Looking forward to trying this, starting this weekend...with my job, it's impossible to pull this off during the week, but it's definitely feasible one day on the weekends. Only read about it this week, or else I would've started it sooner. Just unplugging for one day, steering clear of the TV, computer, stereo, etc., finding other ways to distract yourself (if you find you need distracting, and that alone would be a lesson)...doesn't mean you can't drive to the store or have to swear off the microwave (though given how close we live to the stores, and the fact that nuking food probably gives people third nipples if they stand too close, probably wouldn't be a bad thing to shed other forms of technology on my one day...) Because the simple fact is that I too often turn on the TV just to distract myself, just to have something to focus on a bit, to detract from the Kirby-the-Pinball trains of thought that shoot through my head...and it's ALWAYS on in the other room as well, because Husby is the type of guy to fall asleep with it on, rather than shut it off. Probably the only reason I don't get a little snotty with him about all the TV he watches, is because 2/3rds of what he watches is educational (History Channel, Discovery, Science Channel, NatGeo, etc.), and his retention of history and science is just sickening. If only we could get him back in school...
The folks who came up with this, Elements in Time, also have idiot-proof instructions on making butter this week in their blog (I just won't believe it's that easy until I try it myself), so I'm thinking of giving that a try this weekend...love having excuses to use the Kitchenaid...and make stuff from scratch...and get all domestic :) Thinking of using those fat quarters I found at Joann's for the lining of the felted bag, so I'll felt it this weekend, and measure out how I could piece it together, maybe give it pockets, etc. Last night wasn't bad; I'm feeling a bit better, I relaxed, read (picked up Maya Angelou's Caged Bird the other day...will probably plow through all four of her autobiography books just for a change), filled out the paperwork for my ortho appointment next week, and did a row or four on Husby's sock. I seem to rally a bit midweek, and we won't go into how it pisses me off that I allow the turning of the clock or the calendar to dictate my mood. I'm obsessed enough with the passage of time as it relates to my ovaries...the good news is I'm shedding some of my paranoia and getting inspired exercise-wise again. Watched the first hour of The Biggest Loser last night, where the folks who'd been previously tossed from the show were given the chance to get back on...some of the numbers those folks pulled off for weight loss in a 10-week period were borderline dangerous, IMO, but you couldn't deny the buoyance of spirit that they were experiencing as it became evident that their hard work was paying off. I turned it off as soon as the reality show BS of personalities started back up (never been a reality show fan...I like my drama the old-fashioned way: written by someone with half a brain, not invented by producers to make regular people whores to the ratings), and did some stretching and yoga. When you're as big as I am, it really takes on a "journey of a thousand miles..." feeling, starting exercising...ideally, I want to lose about 80 pounds, and that still won't put me in the average charts (I'm shooting for what I weighed and held when I worked at the theater; I felt really powerful back then, even though I thought I was fat), but remembering the before-and-afters of those folks, they really stand as testaments to what's possible. There's absolutely no good reason, even with my knees, arthritis, and lithium deficiency, why I can't accomplish that goal; even with the physical concerns that've cropped up in the last year (which I'm 95% certain are all due to the frickin' weight)...it's the same old broken record: the only thing standing in my way is me.
I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I wasn't prepared well enough for things in the hospital, it was far too clinical a setting for my liking, and I felt pushed around by people. While I certainly don't see myself as one of those folks who rents a birthing tub and pushes one out at home, it was a metaphor for how "at loose ends" I feel at this size. I'm on a footbridge over a chasm, and the damn thing can't hold my weight, but if I was lighter, I wouldn't be nearly as at risk to plummetting to the rapids. Yeah, I know, sounds dramatic, but the point is: you lose your grasp on so many little things when you're this size, and you adapt and change your behavior, until one day you look up and realize that those adaptations have become your normal, and that just ain't right (especially when you realize it in public...like crouching down in the library to look at something on a bottom shelf, and then wondering how the hell you're going to gracefully get up from that position, because your knees still aren't 100%). And you finally (finally, finally!) realize that you're tired of being this way, and your spirit somehow converts that tiredness into energy, into power and inner strength, and you start...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Emotional eating and the power of suggestion: tried one of those Lean Cuisine paninis for lunch, really quite tasty, so I went into this afternoon wanting to see how long it would last me before I got hungry again (i.e. if I'm not hungry til 4ish, it's actually worth the money). So naturally, I'm craving a snack when I'm not hungry in the least yet (it's 2:19)...it's totally my boredom dictating my appetite. grr.
When my brain gets more scatty, is when I need to be making those lists I talk about, realistic ones. Tonight I have to run right back out after work to pay the electric bill (which wouldn't be an issue if I budgeted the bills and my time properly, but that's a list for another time ::wry grin::), give the kitchen a cleaning, make dinner, and by the time I hit the sack, I'll feel like I got nothing accomplished me-time-wise. Every mother reading this right now is saying, "you want kids? get used to that feeling..." I know, I know, but still...it's like how I felt that way last night, simply because I had to do 2 loads of laundry...feel like I need to paint myself a banner that says "Do laundry on the weekend, stupid!" to remind me of how that project just smithereens any chance of creativity in an evening...
Assuaged hunger with organic cookie...1½ hours til escape.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Shouldn't have put any of this paycheck on the prepaid debit...already was bad at Joann's today, though absolutely everything I found was on sale. Indulged in a small quilting board and a rotary cutter, some thread, fat quarters and remnants. Not sure what I want to do with 'em yet, but it's a nice start. Already thinking of going back for some more remnant trolling, because I finished the strap on the Cascade bag, so it looks like a regular bag FINALLY. I'm going to felt it (as soon as I figure out how to do that and have the controlled setting in which to do it, i.e. washing machine at Mom's house, rather than the community machines at my complex), line it, and stick a fabric-covered piece of cardboard in the bottom (which I'll probably secure to the bottom so it doesn't drive me nuts)...Almost Finished Objects are nice too. With the sewing, I'm starting with small stuff (like coasters or placemats), and may even try my hand at cloth menstrual pads, because the remnant I did come away with was a nice piece of flannel. S'pose I should make sure Mom's sewing machine still works before I get my mind set on these projects, huh? Typical Melanie...
Got my hairs cut while managing to keep most of the length...nice relief...
How 'bout that wind today, Florida? Talk about "in like a lion"...reminded me of Above All, when the folks used to joke that they needed to keep us tied to something outside, so we wouldn't blow to Danbury...
Friday, March 07, 2008
Going back to work Friday after having Thursday off blows...yesterday was nice though, relaxing. Made a delicious meal (Chicken a La King on Pepperidge Farm puffers, with chocolate mousse for dessert), and we hung out in the bedroom and watched The Simpsons movie afterward. My chicken ala king is fairly low-maintenance, I cheat and use cream soups; but the mousse is from scratch from the Southern Living cookbook. I tweak it a little each time I make it (sometimes adding Kahlua, this time Bailey's Mint Chocolate Irish Cream), but boy, does it come out yummy and rich! And can someone tell me how I survived before Mom J gave me the Kitchenaid mixer? Whipping cream to soft peaks is an absolute breeze with that gem!
What we'll pay for convenience...was shopping for yesterday's meal at Winn-Dixie (because even though I can't stand them, I can't beat their prices usually), because they were advertising the boneless, skinless chicken breasts as BOGO (buy one, get one free). I'm not a fan of Sanderson Farms either (chicken brand in the south), but when you're desperate, you shove aside what you know about poultry production in favor of protein. But those SOBs at Sanderson Farms have started packaging the B/S chicken breasts in bigger amounts, and jacked up their per pound price, so that you're forced to shell out between $11 and $15 for a package of breasts. So I dug for the cheapest ones, walked around with them for awhile while picking up the other items I needed, and realized I wasn't going to have enough dough for everything (anniversary fell the day before payday this year, so we were pretty tapped). I went back to the chicken section, examined my options, and put the breasts back in favor of a whole bird for half the price. Had so much breast meat, I didn't have to dig into the legs and thighs. Definitely reinforced my desire to budget so I can do more shopping at Native Sun though; Sanderson Farms doesn't package their giblets, and shoving your hand inside a bird to extract organ meat is a thankless job. Another thankless job: deboning. We have a pressure cooker (marvelous invention), so the meat basically falls away from the bones when it's done, but shoving mushy skin aside to find the meat gives me the willies. I'll use utensils next time; I don't care if it makes me look like a girl!
Gonna have to make lists again, because I'd like to get some more stuff accomplished this weekend, and it's so easy for the time to fly by...want to do some more rearranging in bedroom and dining room, and some crafty work...would love to get that loom idea completed, and I'm definitely going to reacquaint myself with sewing in the coming weeks, learn different stitches and when they apply.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Enjoying my first ones this week, and they damn well better be due to the Clomid, because if it's just age taunting me, I will have a small breakdown. As I wrote on the MJ Health site, those delights have me wishing I could cut my hair (no, better yet, shave it), work topless, and shower on my lunch break. It HAS to be the Clomid giving my hormones a jolt, right? Well, tomorrow's Les's and my 9th wedding anniversary, so maybe that Thanksgiving baby I was hoping for still has a shot!
I'm at loose ends lately, not knitting enough...thought about doing some hand-sewing last night (there's 2 sweaters that need repair work), but given my hot flash frustration, really couldn't think about working on them...did my nails instead and hit the sack early. I'm rearranging the house this week...moved stuff around Monday night and brought up the sewing machine and table. Machine fits right under table when not in use, very cool! Will definitely try it out this week on a pillow pattern I cut out years ago and never pieced together. Did try out the machine I have from Mom J, and sadly, the issues with tension still exist. I think the bobbin holder's too loose, and may try some repair work of my own on it in the future, but for now, if Mom's machine works, I'm happy as a clam, since that's the machine I grew up with, earned my Girl Scout sewing badge with...really comfortable with it.
9 years...we've known each other 11... amazing! It may not be an easy life I've chosen for myself, but I know it's right every time I look in his eyes.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Weird weekend...if there's such a thing as a 12-hour flu, I had it on Saturday...sick headache and tummyache, so I just loaded up on remedies and rested. Then yesterday, felt much better, so puttered in the morning and went to Mom's in the afternoon to get a small workbench from the garage for use as a sewing machine table. Turned out Mom wanted to unload her sewing machine at the same time, so now I have a Singer circa 2000-and-something that needs TLC so it'll stop vexing me, and a Singer circa 1966 that hopefully still works like a charm. And if I move fast, she's letting me have a computer desk too; I'll get my dining room table back! (dining room table currently houses computer) I say move fast, because she offered it to Lil Bro first, but he and the new squeeze have a line on one for themselves...so I want to lay claim to the sucker before their deal falls through and he changes his mind.
I also decided (and discussed with Husby) to lay off the fertility meds for 6 more months, while I lose some weight. We're still going to be trying, but it's just impossible to chart it down to the nitty-gritty when he's in pain almost all the time, and me stressing over it was only making it worse. Plus I've been watching some Discovery Channel Home shows, like Babies-Special Delivery, and it reminded me of just how many things I'm asking to go wrong by trying to get pregnant when I'm this big. I'm a poster mama for pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, and a host of other issues. Not fair to me or the potential small person. So if it happens before then, it happens. On the upside, my knees are improving, I think in response to me starting Glucosamine-Chondroitin again, so my desire to exercise is getting a kick in the pants. That's a big relief, because my joints have been giving me a time of it on basic stuff, like going up and down stairs, which certainly also contributed to the baby-making delay/wake-up call. It's scary to be only 38 and thinking that you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of arthritis pain. Of course, since I've made this delightfully responsible decision, I'll probably get pregnant on my first try ;)
Another wake-up call, spending time with the nephew this weekend...granted, Hunter ain't your average 7-year-old...they're weaning him off most or all of his meds, because he developed thyroid or thyroid-type issues (monster goiters on his neck). I'm sure his mom is at her wit's end, but personally, I like him less doped up. The result is a whirling dervish of a blond stringbean, who's a pinch easier to understand (words come out of his mouth sounding like English, rather than his own language...heard him call me Aunt Melanie yesterday on his own for the first time, and I just melted) and tactile without provocation. That's a delight, since your garden-variety autistics are usually hands-off, whereas this guy will come up and give you a hug without prompting, if he knows you. When a bunch of Lil Bro's friends came to the house yesterday to help him move stuff, Hunter walked right up to the guy and put his hand out to shake. Small miracle where an autistic is concerned, and proof that labels don't make the man, or kid in this instance. I even got some cuddles; he wanted a hug at one point, was raising his hands up to me, and I realized that in spite of his size, he's light enough to lift, so I hoisted him up and he buried his head in my chest, like he was hiding. I melted again, and got my mommy-urge quota filled in the process. But his energy level has risen exponentially, so he spins and he's always moving, until finally you have to yell at him to chill, so he doesn't hurt himself or break furniture or something. The good news is he still recognizes the time-out chair for what it is, and it tones him down, but still, I'm glad I was there to help Mom out. I was also so numb with exhaustion afterward, it only reinforced my belief that my decision, in spite of my age, to wait a little longer on the fertility meds, was sound. I have to believe that the gods will reward my patience if I put in the hard work I'm planning to over the next 6 months, maybe even before that. ::crosses fingers::