Sunday, November 30, 2008


With myself...a good pal reminded me that everyone goes through phases where they feel they're barely accomplishing anything. I'm not so special (I know, I know, you didn't mean it THAT way). I'm just always a little hard on myself, because I used to be a type A, and now...I know better. I live two lives too, and being stuck in the "other" life gets tiresome and frustrating. My "good" life is where I'm on my proper doses of prescribed medications and my head feels screwed on straight. My current life, well, my patience is shot and I don't give myself nearly enough leeway.

It was a nice Thanksgiving. I 86d the acorn squash and we're still up to our ears in leftovers. I burned the pie, but it was still edible. Gonna have to freeze the sweet potatoes so they don't go to waste.

We need to consolidate the recycling and take out the trash today, and tidy. Can't believe it's Sunday already. Trying not to be too down about that. I woke up thinking about things, and I hope to assuage my guilt over not getting enough done this weekend by sitting down to make some lists, really think about the next year and what I'd like to have happen versus what will probably happen. Kind of parse my dreams against reality, see what sticks.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Somebody stop me before I concoct another side dish...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Started in adulthood...had to, because my folks weren't traditional with this holiday...I'm not sure we ever (EVER) did turkey for Thanksgiving. We did filet or stuffed lobster, hamburgers, anything but turkey. Mom and Dad both had grown up in traditional (for the times) households and had had enough turkey to last them a lifetime. And the turkey soups, turkey sandwiches, turkey hash, turkey ala king, and oppressive amounts of side dishes they didn't want to subject us to that, or deal with it themselves. I understand it, but...

So as adulthood presented itself, I created my Thanksgiving. We travel at Christmas, so Thanksgiving is mine. I put the Macy's parade on, open up the house if it's cool, and spend the day baking. The last couple of years, Les and I bought a turkey breast and smoked it out on the grill. I experiment with side dishes and desserts (that I've spent the last 2 weeks mulling over) and make almost everything from scratch.

This year's menu is complete and I have just a couple of things to grab at the store tonight, got most of it last night...we're doing another turkey breast (Les likes dark and white meat, I'm a white meat gal only, so with just the 2 of us, it cuts down on waste), I'm making smashed sweet potatoes (Barefoot Contessa), acorn squash ala Paula Deen, and broccoli souffle (Southern Living). The potatoes and squash are because I can't be trusted in Native Sun, the broccoli is because we needed something green. Breakfast will be quiche Lorraine, I'm trying a blue cheese mousse dip with bread and chips for in-between, and dessert is Paula's Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie, which is VERY well received in my house. I'm still contemplating bread from scratch too, but my stomach threatens to explode at the thought, so may have to wait til the weekend to dabble in that.

Mom and Meara head to Ohio tomorrow for a family reunion on Mom's side, Cyril and his sig oth are both working, so there's absolutely no guilt attached in not spending this holiday with family. Talk about your win-wins! Ah, you know what I mean...we'll relax, watch the dog show after the parade, putter, ponder cleaning, decide against's nice together-time for Les and I. The menu feels pretty indulgent, but we only do it once a year. Have a wonderful holiday!

P.S. If you have some prayers to spare, please direct them toward my Nanie. She's Dad's Mom, 97 years young and winding down...latest word is that she's stopped eating and sleeps most of the time, and she's a DNR so that means they're letting her fade. Having her possibly leaving us soon has torn the band-aid off my Dad grief, so I wouldn't mind a little positive energy too.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Yeah, I've gone sporadic again...

I'm in a rather constant fight with myself. While we're trying for small people, I'm on a hormone regimen, no lithium, and half my normal dose of Paxil. The result is rather unenjoyable mood swings, that have my brain working 25/7 (which is a blast when I wake up in the middle of the night), coupled with the delightful, apathetic lethargy that accompanies depression. I get all these great ideas at work, when I can't implement them, and when I can implement them, I have no desire to. For my reformed type A personality, it's frustrating. So sometimes it's better not to speak.

Work's been busy, quite frustrating, and a little scary. But things will lighten just a bit as the holidays ensue. I'm getting in the mood, though I haven't a clue yet where the money will come from to purchase/make gifts this year. Thank goodness for my micropromotion; we're not caught up yet, but it's allowing us a certain amount of freedom in spending that's heartening. I'm looking at inexpensive, charitable places for gift ideas, like The Hunger Site, and I'm not knitting a damn thing this year for anybody. Barely picked up needles in September and October, and it's just not worth the stress, trying to make stuff for Christmas. As for holiday cards, I'm thinking of making my own from the cardstock I recycled from my company when we changed our name.

Hit Native Sun last night for the Annual Open House. Holy-crap-on-a-gluten-free-cracker! I figured it would be busy and I was still blown there at 6 on the dot, there were 2 cops directing traffic, and the line wrapped halfway around the building. The place was a mob scene, but the food was delicious, they gave out some recipes I look forward to trying, and I stocked up on veggies for Thanksgiving and one or two other items. I'll definitely be hitting that place more; I'm finally in a place where wanting to eat healthier is a goal and I'm not turning my nose up at stuff just b/c it claims to be health food. Their organic ale was yummy too; may have to grab a bottle of that before we start trying again this coming month :)

P.S. Having a Starbucks a stone's throw from my office is getting dangerous >:)

The plants finally made it out to the back porch, and if the weather holds, I'll be drying clothes out there more and they'll have less chance of getting neglected. I'll start a fresh batch of herbs soon, just have to unearth the apartment a little more. Came to my senses about having the family over for Christmas dessert...the place may be clean by then, but you can't realistically expunge 10 years of smoke buildup. But I actually did a little work in the dining area last weekend, and it'll help motivate me to do a little more this weekend. A little at a time...

Happy weekend everybody!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thinking about stuff...

Nothing earth-shattering...just plunked down $8.15 at Panera for lunch, and while it was delicious and satisfying, it got me thinking again about how there's nothing but me stopping me from creating lunches like that to bring from home. Now granted, I'm operating with a handicap of late...said to my mom today that between hormone therapy and my micropromotion, I'm lucky if I leave the house with the bra UNDER my shirt. But I'm thinking of stopping the hormones and doing a seesaw with the lithium, so I may have a few more marbles to work with upstairs in the coming weeks. I have doctor's appointments for my meds and my yearly female fun this week, so I'll address all that with them then.

But it gets me thinking...about how easy (and fun) it would be to cook a soup or light stew on the weekends for dipping into from the freezer, how salads aren't seriously complicated, how lunch doesn't have to be just sandwiches, and with just a little planning in the evenings, I can set myself up for nutrition and saving money on the midday meal. So frickin' basic, and I don't even have kids to distract me yet. Setting these habits in place now could make a world of difference down the road, regardless of whether there's small people on the scene.

Two days off this week just cuz...Saturday Mom's treating Meara and I to a half day at a local spa, that'll be nice!

Friday, November 07, 2008


Made a decision this week...when I'm not in limbo (wondering if I'm PG), I'm going back on my lithium. Something's gotta be better than nothing, and I know my body. My stress level has been through the roof lately, and my happiness hasn't been an issue - it's been nonexistent. I had a very dark day yesterday, and some things became clear. It's time to get healthier. I've turned this leaf over enough times where it's embarassing to bring up, so I won't explore it beyond that here.

This weekend will bring new recipes, cleaning, organizing, relaxing, planting, and dreaming...may yours have the same!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


My gosh, but I'm in a good mood. Being bipolar when things go your way is neat!

So I've decided that I'm like my Uncle Mike. The family line is: tell him a joke on Thursday, he'll get it in church on Sunday. My problem's slightly more intellectual, and it's why I don't like debating. I know what my beliefs are, but when I'm asked to defend them, the Dale Carnegie and my convictions vacate the premises, leaving me stammering.

I steamed a bit yesterday as I listened to a coworker's story of how he nipped his kindergarten-aged son's Obama crush in the bud. He brought it down to the kid's level, saying "you know how you get gold stars for doing well in school? Would you want to share those with kids who hadn't worked as hard?" Your basic conservative's argument against socialism: why should I work hard and not get as rewarded, while others slack and get rewarded? I wanted to chime in, but knew I wouldn't be able to verbalize it more than with the highly erudite comeback of "well, that's a load."

I'm standing at the bathroom mirror this morning, 18 hours later, deciding on earrings and checking that my bangs are presentable, when the lightbulb hits: that kind of thinking is selfish, it's every man for himself and screw the folks who don't have my wherewithal. And I don't believe that, haven't for awhile...I'm seeing the bigger picture, wanting to leave this world better than I found it, not just for my children, but for others, and that's going to mean working not just for myself, but with the idea of how my actions will affect the country and the world.

So there.

So other than my time-lapse brain issues, I'm in such a fantastic mood today. I can't wait to get home tonight and read and play on the computer and think and dream. I bought a NY Times, a Wall Street Journal, and our local POS newspaper. I feel "Melinda-inspired"—she's the writer behind Elements in Time/One Green Generation; her website is a wonderful resource, chock full of ideas on how to live more locally and save the planet in the process. I want to go home and reorganize my planting materials so I can start my herb garden fresh. I want to dig into the dining area so that our apartment will feel livable again. I want to eat better and exercise, so I won't get winded just thinking about keeping up with small ones. I want to budget so we can move in January of 2010. I want...

But alas, must get to work so that that budgeting thing is more than just a dream...

Congratulations America! Let's get to work!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


My change from dyed-in-the-wool conservative to bleeding heart liberal was a long time coming. I was a staunch College Republican and held offices with that venerable, yet surprisingly fun bunch, because a) my parents were Republican, b) I didn't know how to think for myself yet, and c) I was in love with guy(s) who attained leadership with that crowd. 20 years ago...holy crap. When I met Les and got properly medicated (those two things were independent of one another), I changed. Started reading, started thinking, started realizing just how dangerous and narrow the "right" POV can be...I'm NOT trying to start a debate on liberalism vs. conservatism, never been a debater. This is just where I ended up, a self-proclaimed granola who wishes drilling in Alaska wasn't an option, that health care was borderline socialized, and that we'd get the hell out of the world police business.

So it was with a glad heart that I went and voted today...first time in ages I didn't feel like I was voting for the lesser of two evils. This change in me is fairly new as political changes go—I voted for Bush II in 2000, for pete's sake! But today is so important, if the tide goes our way. It sucks that the Current Occupant (as he's coined by Garrison Keillor) has screwed things up so badly, that it'll take Obama (please, gods!) his first term of office just to get sh*t under control...but oh well, take the good with the bad.

It's hard to think about things finally opening up in this country, when I'm voting for Obama on the same ballot that wants to declare marriage as one man, one woman only, in the state of Florida. We've got such a long way to go still...and I want to move to states even redder than Florida eventually. But I'm finally gaining confidence in my beliefs, and I look to the future with hope.

Happy Election Day, folks!