Thursday, June 30, 2011

Random Thoughts

Have I used this one already? I dig natural paths, if you hadn't noticed yet...they're full of promise, hope, expectations, n' stuff...

Thinking I'd like to wear skirts more...also thinking that that thought is a phase derived from the plain living websites/blogs I've been reading, coupled with a desire to not look like such a big ole tomboy in my sandals...

"I felt all wool and a yard wide, and like I should be running around with a hockey stick instead of dancing."
Paraphrased from Fifteen by Beverly Cleary. The shit that stays in my head is just nutty...

So, if you look at another person's life and think it's pretty damn neat, that they're living a life that you really wouldn't mind living yourself, and you're willing to put forth the effort to make it happen in your own way, then doesn't it make sense to stop fucking whining about it and do something about it instead?!?!

This personal frustration brought to you by my apparent inability to get anyone in NC to look twice at my resume...we return you now to your regularly scheduled venting.

I love how drinking water makes me feel, but it's boring as dog snot and the exercise I get running to the john 14 times in a work day almost doesn't make it worth it. And no, I'm not a fan of seltzer. Or lemon.

Thinking seriously of going on a cleanse...but given I'll only have my 3 days off to ease into it, it's gonna be a modification of the current cleanses that got all the press around New Clean, but for a week instead of a month. I was really uncomfortably bloated yesterday (think it was a yeast reaction without the blinding headache that usually accompanies it, which worries me because that's usually my litmus test for when I'm overdoing it in that department), and I'm just sick of feeling like the crap I'm shoveling in...

Never mind that we're still trying for small people, and I can't imagine how my knees will feel if I gain any more weight...and that my cardiologist is expecting a weight loss when he sees me in September...I mean seriously, how many factors do I need before I start treating me right?

Enough of that bullshit...we're still on the fence as to whether or not we're going up to SC for the holiday. His dad's improving, and our presence there seems to disrupt more than it helps. But if Mom and Dad need Les for support in some ways (like driving...Mom J's the only one with a license up there), then he may go up himself on the train. I'd love to grab a day trip up to see Mom and Lil Sis while I'm there, if we go, but I'm also in the mindset of "we'll be there soon enough, so it's OK if I neglect them a bit right now"...crossing fingers and toes that that remains the case. I've received zero nibbles from all the job apps I've put in, and am thinking seriously of hiring myself out to one of those personnel agencies to get my damn foot in the door somewhere...

Image from here.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Taking Stock

How the hell is it Wednesday already?

Outside: summer in Florida

Inside: ever see Office Space?

Wearing: jeans, sandals, yellow T with striped overshirt to combat AC...

Reading: Girl w/Dragon Tattoo and the King James Bible (yes, i'm going through a phase, why do you ask?).

Creating: Short-row scarf (Lion brand pattern), plain vanilla sock ala Yarn Harlot, and Cozy all getting attention this week.

Going: maybe to SC this weekend, hoping for an escape trip to NC while I'm at it...

Hoping: Dad J continues to improve, I can find more time to hunt, and I can manage to maintain compassion for certain family members who don't deserve it. I guess continuing to believe they don't deserve it doesn't exactly push me in the right direction, huh?

Image from here.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Unplugged Sunday

Brainchild of Heather & Co. at beautythatmoves.

I've wanted to do this for so dang long. Apparently I need the motivation of gorgeous pics of my old stomping grounds. That beauty comes courtesy of the Unplugged Sunday blog, and it's Connecticut in a nutshell for me. Literally takes my breath away. The hilarious thing is I barely made it outside yesterday. Hard to spend time outdoors in Florida from June to September without spontaneously combusting.

My internal alarm woke me up at 7AM on Sunday, but rather than check to see if the L&O rerun on TNT was worth watching, I rolled over and went back to sleep until 9. Got up and puttered, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee and breakfast, and read for a bit. Been going thru another library phase...Bob Greene's Diabetic Best Life book is decent, has lots more information, but I'm glad I held off buying it, because I think I can make do with his standard Best Life book, and I need to quit spending on a whim. Those days are over. They just hired another editor, and OT is safely in the past for now. That hurts like hell and is motivating me further toward getting nibbles from my NC job hunting.

Got changed and went to the Y. God, I needed that. Did too much for my first day back (7 miles total), naturally, but it was so necessary. I've been gaining again, and having your clothes not quite fit in the heat of summer really sucks.

Me in all my post-Y, summer-splotchy-faced glory...eesh!

Got home, puttered some more. Been thinking of Goodwilling a bunch of purses, and digging out some interview clothes to place on my hanging rack in the bedroom closet (so I'm not frantically tearing through boxes when someone finally does answer my apps) I pulled out the rack and reorganized a bit. Which led to reorganizing my shoes as well, sorting the laundry, etc.

Believe it or not, that mess is an improvement!

Had lunch and read some more, until I felt my attention flagging and grabbed a nap. Felt luxurious, and somehow different, more relaxed, because I was napping to rest my body after that workout, not because my brain was overstimulated from technology. The thunderstorms woke me frequently, but I awoke feeling rested.

Puttered some more, treaded water a bit, because we had dinner planned, but it was becoming obvious that Husby was finally catching up on sleep as well...he hasn't been sleeping great the last couple of days/nights, since his Dad was back in the hospital. So I let him sleep, and gathered the recycling, which took several trips down to the car, because my bod wasn't letting me carry too much at one time, after that workout. Went and dropped the recycling, swung by McDonald's and confirmed the dangerous precedent that more and more local McD's are offering the chocolate chip cookies I crave (thereby negating some of that Y workout, I know...), and then went home. Fixed myself dinner, mentally looked at the small projects I'd completed and declared the day a success, and hopped on the computer just for a quick update. Maybe next week, I'll do all day. For my first time, wasn't necessary.

Crappy phone pic of Sally Hansen Gunmetal tootsies...pls ignore gigantic looking legs...I swear it's the angle!
The current crazy book piles

The rest of the evening was me time...repainted fingers and toes, watched a bit of tube (if you really want to make yourself feel old, check out Season 1 of Fame on the Ovation channel...Lori Singer! Bruno! Doris!...very weird...), read some more, and even picked up my knitting. I have this super-boring project on the needles that I'm mainly doing to use some old Encore, but glancing at Harlot's Knitting Rules in the same crazy pile/area has me thinking of picking up socks again too.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Taking Stock

I know I need to get to the Y. But my priorities are shifting as June slips away from us. Applied for 6 more jobs last night, which was more time spent on the computer after work; and I'm going to start reading Dad J's MBA textbooks just for funsies. Yea, I know I'm weird.

Outside: See photo: I'm so bummed, tried to upload the dang thing, but either Blogger's being a douche, or those buttholes figured out a way to deter copying without disabling right-click...lame...

Inside: chilly and not holding my interest well.

Wearing: favorite paisley shirt, beige slacks, blue Birk wannabes.

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life for Diabetes, Home to Holly Springs, Understanding Business.

Creating: Lists...and sample articles for a particular job opp.

Going: hopefully NOWHERE! Need a weekend home to cart off the recycling and break down this place more...

Hoping: Dad J. continues to rally, and ANYBODY answers my applications...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Smoky Tropics

Can't find a decent picture online or with my crappy cell phone that adequately illustrates the insanity here in NE Florida...I've lived in Florida for 25 years now, and this is the worst wildfire season in my memory. A bunch of new ones sparked in southern St. Johns County today, and combined with the continued GA fires (that took the lives of 2 forest rangers over the weekend) and a wind shift, it ain't fit for man nor beast out there.

The weekend...kind of lousy, kind of OK, kind of exhausting. Great to see Husby, and got to bring him home for now. He's expecting to go back soon; I'm figuring July 4th weekend. The family's working with quite a bit of denial. Some members are irrational for other reasons. I feel like a bystander, and hold my tongue even more than usual. I'm glad to be home. Tired today. Hiked Hitchcock Woods on Sunday, got thoroughly lost more than once. Body still complaining a bit, but feels good.

This week, back on the job hunting trail, hopefully some Y work. Not tonight. Gonna make some kind of real meal for dinner and putter. Still decompressing. There are several members of that family that need come-to-Jesus talks, and I have some orneryness to work out regarding that.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Finally Friday

A couple of years back, Les left me for about 3 weeks to help his folks move into their new house. I barely remember it, because nothing out of the ordinary occurred...we'd talk on the phone, I'd go to work, come home, putter. Maybe this visit is different, because there was so much stress attached...the not-knowing if Dad J. was dying or not, and not being able to be there for Les physically while the worst was going on. I empathized heavily since I've already seen that part of the movie, so to speak.

This week, I was a mess. Ate garbage, couldn't get motivated. Granted, there was enough going on where it wasn't even realistic to look for NC work or give the apartment a serious cleaning, but with the exception of a few moments of clarity, I've been pretty useless...which is naturally, going to make me super-busy tonight as I prep to go up to SC again, and it wreaked havoc on my waistline too. I have 3 months to pull up my cholesterol/bad fat #s or else my cardiologist is going to want to put me on a cholesterol med. I've reached a point where family crises are no longer an excuse for bad living. Nothing's an excuse anymore. : (

Dad's home, mainly resting and getting used to managing his pain. I'll go up tomorrow morning and stay til Monday, hopefully bringing Les home with me for now. Looks like we'll have plenty of reasons to visit this summer though, which is fine with me, as we really need to start scoping NC for potential living areas. Hoping for a pinch of "me" time, even if it's distracted by the niece, so I can research and brainstorm for some articles I'm writing, and maybe I'll hit Hitchcock Woods in the early morning one day.

Image from here.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Rays of hope

Pretty, isn't it? I dream of a 2nd room in a house, that works as an office and guest room. I'd love a daybed for lounging, with lots of handmade pillows...

Yesterday was the worst yet, hence my truncated stock taking. The news was bad, and it was forcing a mindset that brought back memories of 2007. I'm able to process bad information quite easily now, put it into categories in my head, but it still makes for a very black mood.

Yesterday, my FIL's cancer was given a name, and his liver was failing. They blasted his body with a chemo cocktail, and we all prayed. I've watched organs fail, so there are still questions in my head (about the toxins that are still floating around in his body thanks to the liver failing), but the upshot is that we've been given a quick reprieve. His numbers improved significantly in 24 hours, and he was sent home today. He's not being sent home to die; he's being sent home to continue living. They may dose him again next week, or they'll revisit his chemo regimen in 3 weeks. My thanks to everyone who lit a candle physically or in their heads for Les Jr., because someone's listening out there...

The family drama continues on other fronts...there's one family member who I think hasn't fully grasped at all the gravity of the situation, but there's probably not a whole lot of sense in trying to illuminate her. She and her cohort don't think or act rationally, and some fights aren't worth the effort.

I was adrift yesterday, trying to be strong, but exhaustion took hold and I napped as soon as I got home from work. It was just what I needed; I woke up semi-refreshed, and was able to putter with a clearer head. Then around 10 p.m., TV wasn't cutting it, so I went to the kitchen and knocked out the rest of the dishes. It's mind-blowing how such a simple thing puts me in the right place.

I'll head to SC early Saturday morning to visit and help out. Hoping to bring Les home for now, but it's in the maybe column. The difficult family member resents vehemently his being there, so it may be better for family tranquility if he comes back home, but we'll see...he's there for Mom and Dad, not for her, so she can get the hell over it as far as we're concerned. I ache to smack sense into her, but know that wouldn't do any good either...

Saw a good quote today, the gist of it being that the only thing that makes something a part of your life is your willingness to continue thinking about it. An excellent reminder that things that are beyond your control don't deserve your attention. Life's so damn short.

Image from here.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Taking Stock

Outside: thick smoke from the GA/FL wildfires

Inside: cool...slightly unreal...that feeling of wonderment that life keeps on going in the face of tragedy.

Wearing: jeans, sandals, yellow T

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life for diabetics...not there yet, but if I don't change my ways, I will be.

Creating: n/a

Going: back to SC this weekend. Dad J's been diagnosed. I ache with what Les's family is about to face. I pray ...


Monday, June 13, 2011


Actually, I'm not the one displaced. My dad-in-law is, and my husband. Dad's been in the hospital since Friday, will probably be there til at least Wednesday. DH is still up in SC, helping support Mom and lend a hand driving where necessary.

Totally frickin' weird not having him in town. He's just always here, this presence. Since he doesn't work, he's always home when I get home. There are evenings when his head kicks his butt enough where he mostly sleeps, but at least he's here. I'm not whining. It's just weird.

I don't know how the weekend's hard to formulate words. Every test, it seems, they find a little more bad news. And the test results are interminably slow to come back, even though they're running at normal pace. So we sit in a holding pattern, while Dad's in pain. I'm basically numb to it still. It's not denial. Heh, that's classic. What I mean is I've already been through the worst, the searing, breathless rage of losing a parent, so I'm able to be strong for Les. Thank gods, because we could have a long road ahead. Dad's OK for now, gaining strength, and they're managing his pain and running more tests.

I'll keep busy, hunting, cleaning, and I hope to hit the Y tomorrow or Wednesday. All prayers welcome.

Image from here.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Taking Stock

God in heaven, why can't we learn lessons in life without the pain?

This post is likely going to OD on "perspective," so be warned.

My husband is the gentlest human being on the planet. The second gentlest is his father. Who just found out he has cancer.

We're going up to visit this weekend. I won't be surprised if Les stays up there. It's an option, to help out, since he's still not working, and won't be until we move. The age range in that house is from 4 to 90, and there just aren't enough able hands.

Prayers and healing energy please.

Outside: Hot with a fragrant breeze.

Inside: suddenly unacceptable.

Wearing: new sandals that are miraculously comfortable and who the hell cares what else...

Reading: Jan Karon's In the Company of Others. Extraordinary, Exquisite, and a couple of other E words! I thank the gods I didn't lose the taste for her books after I went pagan. The woman's getting a thank-you note and I'm giving Home to Holly Springs another try.

Creating: nothing to report

Going: see paragraph 4

Hoping: Dad can start a positive, forward-thinking treatment right away (he sees an oncologist tomorrow), and I can stay strong for those who need me.

Image from here.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Ungrumpy Monday

I really don't know what to make of this upturn in spirits. Not questioning it, of course, just realizing how I spent the last couple of months just slogging through life.

Saturday was early errands and then I hit the boxes. Discovered the "corner of doom" wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, though it also meant not nearly enough was going to get purged. We own piles of board games for our's, and hopefully our children's, future enjoyment, that in a house, will go in a closet, but for now, are relegated to boxes. There's also CDs and VHS tapes that will go in a future entertainment center. While the VHS tapes are certainly falling to the wayside, the fact is that we still have players for them, so they aren't obsolete under our roof yet; heck, our stereo even has cassette decks! Do people even buy stereos anymore? So while we recognize the digital age is upon us, we're not ready to go whole-hog digi just yet...we need backup systems/flash drives in place at the least, first, before we can purge some of that stuff. So there's more boxes. Also, two boxes of Dad stuff from like, the garage, that I know I'll use in a house. And I didn't even realize our Christmas tree was back there. So I pared down a box or two, assessed the others, and placed Les's stuff within reach so he could organize and purge...which in a spurt of energy, he did on Sunday.

Sunday we did Bob Evans, came back and organized some more, and then relaxed. Taking the time to relax and not self-flaggelate over it...has been refreshing, to say the least. I read, played, job hunted. The job hunting was depressing on Saturday (my field is narrowing a bit in Charlotte for open positions in my field...I've applied for most that I'm qualified for and heard nothing), but I expanded the search to the whole state on Sunday and submitted quite a few more apps. This week will be follow-up on those, because I have to find ways around the painfully anonymous process of applying for jobs now...send in an email with resume, don't call us, we'll call you. It's perfect for a closet case like myself, but ain't going to get me hired anywhere unless I light a fire under my own and some future employer's butts!

Positive energy please, in two directions today: my father-in-law, who's have some gall bladder issues; and the firefighters in NE Florida/SE Georgia as they contain the wildfires in our area.

Image from here.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Mental wanderings...

Quite a few years ago now, I got my first tattoo, a little circle of colors, sun and moon forms, from a drawing I found in a pagan book, on the upperside of my right wrist. I put it there because if I was going to scar my body for life, I wanted it to be somewhere I could always look upon it if I wanted to, but also somewhere I could cover with a watch if I happened to work in a conservative field in the future.

Used to wear a watch daily, but I think that stopped as my job became so computer-focused. Luckily, my current company's totally cool about the body art. I'd love to wear a watch on my right and my buddhist mala beads on my left, but with all the typing and mouse work, they'd just end up making me nutty.

Was sitting at work staring at the tiny digital clock readout at the bottom right of my screen, enjoying the contradiction of wanting badly for it to be 2 hours later while simultaneously not wanting time to pass so quickly, and the thought occurred to me that I'd be happier not wearing a watch or being lashed to any sort of time device, if I could tell time by how the sun moves across the sky while I'm working in a garden......

I know I'll probably always need a "real job" to keep us in food and shelter, but I still hope I can think up something worthwhile to publish someday too. And even if my farm is nothing more than a half-subsistence/half-hobby concept, I still hold out hope for that dream and it sustains me. Imagining my hands sinking into warm earth to break up clods and plant seeds and seedlings. Scattering feed for chickens and checking their grit and water. Training dogs to go off the leash within earshot on my property. Maybe even pausing while gathering manure for the compost, to scratch a sheep behind the ears...

For now, there's plans and boxes. When I'm not on the computer this weekend, looking hard at how I can make the move work, I'll be in a box. DH voiced getting into boxes this weekend too, bless his heart. We'll dig up our pasts and pare down for our future.

It's been a good week. I'm in a mental place I hadn't realized had been misplaced for a while. They offered OT this weekend, on the next pay period where I could actually earn it without extra effort, and I said no, thank you. There's too much to do at home, and this feeling needs to stick around, which means a little planning and effort on my part. The kitchen sink's still full and the apartment's a shambles, but it's my life and right now, it's working in spite of itself.

Thanks for listening, y'all! Have a safe weekend.

Image from here.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

What's this I'm feeling...

I like to say that I know my limitations. It's what keeps me from talking on the phone while driving my stick-shift car, or deluding myself into thinking I can handle a second job.

I didn't think the OT was that bad, usually only 10 hours a week extra. But with no OT bearing down on me this week, I'm noticing a big difference in how I feel. The kitchen sink may still be cluttered and my mojo isn't quite back yet at the Y, but I'm definitely more relaxed. And this is sans chocolate the past 2 days!

Just thought I'd share that there's some happy going on here... : )

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Taking Stock

Holy crap, this morning is dragging! My mornings don't normally drag; it's the afternoons that do that, especially on Thursdays for some reason. But this morning has been about 2 days long, and I think I need to do lunch away from the desk today. Oughta do that every day anyway.

Did yoga last night, and I'm so glad I did. It's a pinch disconcerting to watch the instructor go through the motions and discover that she can go from standing forward bend to upward bow FROM THE TOP...but I forgave her, because the instructions otherwise are idiotproof, very detailed and clear about what body part is supposed to be where during X pose...which I totally need since I'm a beginner, flat-footed, arthritic, etc.

Outside: smoky, hazy, hot...had to juggle some stuff before getting in car this morning and was sweaty and feeling bereft by the time I turned the key :P

Inside: noisynoisynoisy...newbies getting trained. I have a nearby coworker who's the nicest lady, but whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me for some reason. Have spent the morning listening to iPod and desiring to punch a baby...

Wearing: seriously casual...jeans, pink top, wannabe Birks.

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life Diet.

Creating: putting rows on Cozy Saturday lit a tiny fire under my knitting muse...I started a short-row scarf and am thinking of reorganizing the WIPs...

Going: nowhere yet...

Hoping: we get one more OT opp while the newbies are being trained, while simultaneously revelling in getting my free time back...hitting the Y tonight and relaxing better in the evenings...

Image from here.