Friday, June 03, 2011

Mental wanderings...

Quite a few years ago now, I got my first tattoo, a little circle of colors, sun and moon forms, from a drawing I found in a pagan book, on the upperside of my right wrist. I put it there because if I was going to scar my body for life, I wanted it to be somewhere I could always look upon it if I wanted to, but also somewhere I could cover with a watch if I happened to work in a conservative field in the future.

Used to wear a watch daily, but I think that stopped as my job became so computer-focused. Luckily, my current company's totally cool about the body art. I'd love to wear a watch on my right and my buddhist mala beads on my left, but with all the typing and mouse work, they'd just end up making me nutty.

Was sitting at work staring at the tiny digital clock readout at the bottom right of my screen, enjoying the contradiction of wanting badly for it to be 2 hours later while simultaneously not wanting time to pass so quickly, and the thought occurred to me that I'd be happier not wearing a watch or being lashed to any sort of time device, if I could tell time by how the sun moves across the sky while I'm working in a garden......

I know I'll probably always need a "real job" to keep us in food and shelter, but I still hope I can think up something worthwhile to publish someday too. And even if my farm is nothing more than a half-subsistence/half-hobby concept, I still hold out hope for that dream and it sustains me. Imagining my hands sinking into warm earth to break up clods and plant seeds and seedlings. Scattering feed for chickens and checking their grit and water. Training dogs to go off the leash within earshot on my property. Maybe even pausing while gathering manure for the compost, to scratch a sheep behind the ears...

For now, there's plans and boxes. When I'm not on the computer this weekend, looking hard at how I can make the move work, I'll be in a box. DH voiced getting into boxes this weekend too, bless his heart. We'll dig up our pasts and pare down for our future.

It's been a good week. I'm in a mental place I hadn't realized had been misplaced for a while. They offered OT this weekend, on the next pay period where I could actually earn it without extra effort, and I said no, thank you. There's too much to do at home, and this feeling needs to stick around, which means a little planning and effort on my part. The kitchen sink's still full and the apartment's a shambles, but it's my life and right now, it's working in spite of itself.

Thanks for listening, y'all! Have a safe weekend.

Image from here.

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