Thursday, May 27, 2010

Thoughtful Thursday

Boring title...every Thursday is thoughtful in Melanie's world. It's when my wheels start turning about things to accomplish on the weekend.

Alas, a shift in the thinking this week, because sure enough, we are going to SC to visit Husby's folks. I pushed it a bit, because I get to thinking about Grandma...I'm out of grandparents, but Grandma's still kicking on Les's side, and she's almost 89 with questionable health. So even if she's around another 10 years, it's important to get these visits in, because Les is the type of guy who would torture himself with regret if she woke up dead one day, because we have been blatantly avoiding visiting up there. We avoid because of lack of funds, but mainly because it's not the most pleasant experience, visiting his folks, while his sister, sig other, and niece occupy the house with them. They are addicts who refuse to take responsibility for their lives, and my inlaws can't handle the prospect of kicking them out, so they all avoid each other as much as possible and keep their mouths shut. It's not a healthy house, hasn't been for years now. I know it's easy for me to judge, not having kids of my own yet, but I also know that while I'm not a religious person, I probably would've given the problem to God by now and tossed all 3 of them out the front door. So we visit, and I spend lots of time outdoors and hold my tongue. This is the South, where you respect your elders no matter what, or at least fake it convincingly.

The need to have something in my hands to distract me from the drama had me trolling for patterns yesterday. I've got my eye on a cardigan pattern for myself (above), that I'm thinking of starting this weekend...I'm going to make it with sock yarn, because I'm looking for something lightweight (your only hope of wearing a sweater in the South) and I have several color options in my stash. Just hope the dye lot won't be too far off when I go to order the rest...looking forward to getting something back on needles again.

Noticed the sun damage spot on my face has gotten larger ... my hair's been lightening too, since my last color job. Don't mind the hair, but definitely going to be more diligent about using sunblock. I walk slowly on my way into and out of work, savoring the good weather, how it feels on my body.

Did not work out last body was telling me it needed a rest after Tuesday's beating. But it got me thinking about all the different exercises I should be incorporating into a cross-training regimen, so I pulled out the Kathy Smith books and my yoga for arthritis tome, and I'm going to spend this weekend attempting to create a journal that lays out my different workouts, so I can alternate days, not spend too much time on any one muscle group at a time, etc. It feels like habit now, it's something I itch to do everyday (thank god!), but doing too much and making my body hurt more than it should, spreads out those off days until I'm out of the habit again. I'm determined to make this work, determined to get healthy.

So I'm offline til Tuesday probably, unless I crack and go to the library while I'm up there...his folks still have dial-up, so I haven't the patience to connect to the Web at the house. Y'all be good...I'll be hugging trees, knitting, playing with an almost-4-year-old, and remembering how good I have it.
image snitched from

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Achy Wednesday

Snitched from's Animal tired of not having pics on this blog.
Been trying for alliteration in my titles lately, but couldn't find a W word for achy...

I feel fantastic, I can't wait to work out again tonight, however my legs aren't exactly speaking to me right now. Last night I started out on the upright stationary bike, and quickly realized that a) those suckers can be uncomfortable, and b) my knees were NOT enjoying themselves. I thought it would be a better workout for the old knees, but something wasn't right (yes, I was high enough seat-wise...I think it was the constant movement). So after only a mile and a half, I hopped off and switched to the treadmill. Something weird was going on there too though, felt like my lower body was doing all the work, and my heart rate wasn't doing a beneficial climb. So I increased my speed...and reached a point where I was jogging a little because it was easier than keeping up with that speed in a walking stride. That felt really good, and I only did a mile, so my knees aren't hurting bad, but they are a little pissed at me.

They're just going to have to deal, because I'm walking tonight too...and working my arms.

My brain wasn't set in TV mode last night...suppose that's a good thing, but I don't appreciate it when there are season finales on. Had trouble following NCIS, and Glee was meh-ho-hum to me, with the exception of Mike O'Malley's reaming of Finn (seriously, someone explain to me why O'Malley's spent his career up until now playing blue-collar dipshits?)...really excellent writing there. I'm actually glad there's less tube to watch. Also weaning away from so much after-work computer time, and I think I'm finally itching to get my hands around wool and sticks again. Lord knows I'll need the distraction this weekend...I'm pretty sure we're going up to SC to visit Husby's fam. I love going up there, but his folks' home is a pressure cooker with a crappy release valve.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Thoughtful Tuesday

It's rather hilarious how the mundane reminds you not to take things for granted. I can only take vitamins with food, makes me feel bleh otherwise. Took my vitamin this morning a good hour after eating, and breakfast sat in my belly like a rock for a stretch...makes it a blast trying to concentrate on work. When that feeling passed, it brings this relief, this parting of the clouds that reminds you of, well, something...all of a sudden, the coffee kicks in and the day's not going to be so bad after all.

Kind of like how I'm feeling physically today...surprisingly not sore. Got home last night and just knew that I wanted to work out. The achyness in my knees from the moment I got up yesterday morning really pissed me off...I'm so over this body! So I changed clothes, stretched, and did a series of strength and flexibility exercises that had me certain that my knees would be worse today...instead I'm feeling it a bit in my calves and nowhere else! Excellent! Tells me that it's OK to increase the weight I'm using on my arms, and that my body was positioned correctly during the exercises. This is crucial, because I was doing squats, lunges, and what I call invisible chair, where you squat with your back against a wall and hold it for X seconds or minutes. I'm big enough where there's a cardio factor even in my strength workouts, so I didn't feel so bad about blowing off a walk. But tonight's laundry night, so since I'm in the vicinity of the fitness center, will grab some bike or treadmill time.

Summer's kicked in here...rain hit again yesterday, and today dawned with that mugginess that comes after it. Woke up around 5 a.m. to a downpour, so I slipped out to the porch before work to check on the plants...thankfully, no one's drowned, but I'm keeping a close eye on them, because space is limited out there as to where I can move them away from the rain. The duck has stationed herself under the table again, so we've got about 3 weeks before I can feel safe putting anything on top of that table...for some reason, the current duck is clutzier than the last one and my crap keeps getting knocked over. Part of me wants to toss the litterbox right after this next batch hatches, but most of me loves the role of feral livestock midwife, so we'll see...

And I'm boycotting NBC for a while...there's nothing left on there that I need to watch. I'm still an SVU fan, but it's getting long in the tooth, and how many times can you watch a show about child molesters? Last night's Law & Order season finale had everything that was good about that show...action, legal twists, character development, and that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from being invested in the characters. It was enough of a tied-in-a-bow ending where I couldn't help wondering if they knew they were done long before we did. But I'm just so tired of watching NBC make decisions about their shows that punctuate how oblivious they are to public opinion, so screw 'em.

Turning in press release!! My brain had to do some interesting contortions to shift from writing advertising copy to press copy, but man, it was nice grabbing the ole thesaurus again...getting me thinking about writing again...

Monday, May 24, 2010

Mulling Monday

My Lil Sis is embarking on an adventure that has me pondering the nitty-gritty of how we're going to get out of this godforsaken state, and questioning what careers I'm interested in (heh, there's a telling point, the fact that I said "careers"...). I never wanted to be one of those folks (like so many "men of the house"), who stick with a job because it feeds their families, while squashing their dreams in the process. Now that Dad's gone, I look back at his life and wonder...he did enjoy being an engineer, and he was damn lucky to be able to do the work that he this day and age, you need a bachelor's to get started in that field...but I wonder about his dreams too, beyond his "I'd love to own a popcorn store" notions. Do we ever know the "people" that our parents are? This train of thought's getting wooly, moving on...

I'm a hedonist, a "have your cake and eat it too" gal...and I have way too many dreams in my head. Besides, this job barely feeds us. Also, not keen on the idea of ending up resenting Husby, because he's unable to work as much as I am (who am I kidding, that happens already...). So I slog along barely making ends meet in my current position, and it's difficult to convince myself that I could be doing something else (how do you get yourself or your husband back in school, when your credit's still too crappy to take out a loan?), but I'm also recognizing that where I'm at, ain't making it happen. "It" means living in a house instead of an apartment, growing things in the dirt (critters and plants alike), having a dog and a child (not in that order), and enjoying for the most part going to work everyday. Like I said, I'm a hedonist...or spoiled or something.

Knees achy today...when am I going to remember to keep my shoes on when I'm doing work around the house? All I did yesterday was a quick errand run, then home to clean the kitchen and putter. Feels like I spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen, but really it was probably only 2 hours tops, doing dishes, emptying fridge, taking out garbage...the joys of domesticity. But any standing without my shoes on throws off my posture, and something has to suffer...whether it's my lower back or my knees, my body does not appreciate the flat feet and extra weight. If I can't do anything about the joints, then I have to do something about the muscles around them...I'm going back on my physical therapy exercises, every blasted day that I'm too achy to drag myself out to walk or bike, I'm going to be working out indoors in the evenings instead. My brain thinks I'm 27, my body feels like I'm 55. E-frickin'-nough!

At least we're recycling again...that feels great!

Tomato plant finally showing flowers!!! Please let it bear fruit this season! Les has dreams of making homemade tomato sauce, and I've become a salsa fiend. Makes me want to start more plants, but the porch is still a disaster area that is half-hijacked by feral waterfowl.

On the completely shallow side, I'm loving how long my hair's getting...had a dream the other night that I cut it short and while the new curlyness was adorable to style, I was completely freaked that I'd cut it after working so hard to grow it out. My stress dreams take on the mundane occasionally...anyway, was quite relieved when I woke up. I plain don't have the patience to style it usually, so I'm just letting it dry naturally in the mornings and the heck with whether it's flat or not. I used to wish for this kind of body, the wavyness that's cropped up as my hormones shift with age...might as well enjoy it. I'm finally, finally, finally styling my bangs to the sides, and the last cut I got is making them quite cooperative, framing my face so I'm not looking severe when I ponytail it. They could do sociology studies on how wrapped up women are with their looks, outside of the evils of advertising and Barbie dolls.

And in a hilariously anal and long overdue bout of personal hygiene, I have a new evening regimen: electric toothbrush, floss, regular toothbrush, ACT rinse. Totally determined to steer clear of the drill, now that my teeth are back to healthy. Feels pretty good :)

Friday, May 21, 2010


I know it's probably immature at my age to rave and slobber about a TV show...but I am a bit of a connoisseur of the modern television drama and comedy. Les is all about documentaries and cartoons (heh, now there's a spectrum), but I enjoy stories. I watch NCIS, House, Bones, and Law & Order and SVU pretty religiously, and supplement with Big Bang Theory, Grey's Anatomy, a little William Peterson CSI, 2½ Men, and some others. It's a nice escape.

Got back into Grey's this season, because while I love Laurence Fishburne, I can't get into him on CSI...but Grey's isn't a show I have to watch, if there's something better on or I can't seem to turn my brain away from the computer, for example. Some of those shows (like Private Practice or Brothers and Sisters), I have to be in the mood for the suds. So I missed the ep where Derek, Lexie, and the Chief got blamed for pulling the plug on Clark's beloved wife, and that's a pinch confusing, since I've been there, and it's certainly not a decision that normally is made without soul searching and then consent. Just mentioning it brings me back into a hospital conference room, all of us listening to the docs and convincing Cyril, so that Mom can sign the papers. It was a blast, lemme for Clark's grief to go so horribly awry, I can only guess that he had a mental weakness to begin with, that caved in when faced with the hardest pain a human can endure.

So, all that said, holy crap, what an episode! The season finale of Grey's was quite possibly the most suspenseful and wrenching TV I've seen in ages. Amazingly well-written and well-acted, and made me care about characters whose names I haven't been bothered to learn this season, because they were droll or seemed like intrusions, because they added folks to shake things up this year. It was edge-of-your-seat-crying-like-a-baby TV. I'm keeping this spoiler-free for now, because my sis is buried in work (hasn't watched it yet), but may read this blog...but I was just blown away by this finale. I think it's the best yet, they knocked it out of the park last night, and this is a series that gave us Denny's death first season and George becoming street pizza last season.

Meanwhile, back in reality...

I'm pretty sure we're putting off visiting Husby's folks next weekend. We just can't afford it, even with Grandma offering to toss us gas's a rent check weekend, and we're living so thin already. It's also so damn tense up there, it's hard to get jazzed about a visit; but we haven't been since Christmas, so money or no money, we'll need to get up there soon.

The weekend stretches before me, and my wheels are turning. There are events occurring within my family that are assisting in jump starting the ole motivation. I need to make up some work time first thing in the morning Saturday though, so I'm thinking of letting my projects evolve organically this weekend, rather than making my usual big plans and then wallowing when they don't get accomplished. Also need to figure out how to write a press my writing assignment from marketing.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I think...

...there's no excuse for my walking and exercise falling to the wayside this week.

...the ducks are neglecting the eggs again. plants need daily watering now in this heat.

...I'm training my bangs to the side finally (yes, I realize how mundane this blog is; why do you ask?).

...cream cheese frosting rocks, but it doesn't belong on hot milk cake.

...if the only thing scaring me about eventually owning a dairy cow is its size and thus, higher maintenance requirement, then I need to suck it up and get to the library.

...some weird cross between bean burritos and enchiladas is on the menu tonight :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I wish...

...I could shower my guy with gifts on his birthday. Might have been able to do more if I'd saved a little, but my checks have gone just thin enough where that's a hard thing to do. I did get his watch battery replaced and the Lord of the Rings animated remastered DVD, and made him a homemade card. I push the simple stuff hard at times like this, but he does get disappointed, so it's a delicate balance, celebrating and not letting him go too Eeyore on me...we couldn't even afford crab. So I made him cheddar-corn spoonbread and my Nanie's hot milk cake, which I'm pretty sure I've never cooked for him in our 13 years together (how the frick did that happen?! that's a Lyons staple, that recipe)...ah well, just further punctuates how we need to budget for certain things.

I wish his folks could have the courage to do what needs to be done with the family members (one's their daughter, so I get that it's hard, but still...) who are so mooching off them and show no indication of taking responsibility for their lives, that my inlaws are forced to neglect the other family members on things like birthdays.

I wish that I had my sister's ability to relate comfortably with people, that gift that didn't require an $800 Dale Carnegie course for her, and now in me is still pretty buried and only comes out for special occasions, because I don't deal with front-facing customer service at all in my job...

That isn't jealousy, it's admiration. The girl knew she wanted a master's degree, so she plowed on after her BA and got it, and it and her personality and intelligence have opened new doors that I wish I could talk about, shout from the rooftops, but...not yet...

It gets me thinking, about the type of person I've become, about how I'm not altogether unhappy with the ways my personality has changed with age, Paxil, to lithium or not to while I may be qualified for a management position, I can't be certain that it's what's right for me. Don't get me wrong; they offer me that job and I'll be upstairs faster than it takes to clean out my desk...I need the added responsibility and the possibility of a bit more dough...I'm bored out of my friggin' skull in editing, and I loathe the different unfairnesses in how we're paid. It's helping me see what I actually need to look for in a job, next year, Charlotte.

Guess it's a pensive week.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Tuesday trials

Seriously bored at clue if I have a chance at that marketing spot, but I'll inquire again on Thursday if I don't hear from somebody about the writing assignment. I get that they're busy, but gotta keep looking proactive.

Grumpy for some reason...did a bunch of dreaming last night, which is supposed to mean good sleep, but somehow always leaves me ornery...hopefully I'll get the grumpies out of the way so I can have a nice day with Husby's his birthday so I'm taking the day off. He's hankering for crab, so we're going to hit up one of the local fish markets and have us a nice home-cooked meal. Thought about someplace like Joe's Crab Shack, but it's just not fiscally responsible...

If I'm stuck in QC, at least I have some time off coming...there's a pile of us high-tenured folks in QC and if we're not careful, our PTO piles doesn't want us scrambling to use it at end of the year (time off doesn't roll over here, and Christmastime can be busy), so they were nudging us to schedule some time. We don't travel nearly as much these days, money's just too tight, so it was hard to think about scheduling time off for like, no reason. But between long weekends around Memorial Day, July 4th, and some time around my birthday, I got them off my back for a spell. Thinking of saving for a trip to Charlotte around my birthday, but saving just ain't in the cards lately, so that's in the wait-and-see column...

House and Cuddy sittin' in a tree! Seriously excellent finale :) I mean, I've got a sweet spot for Hugh Laurie, but goodness!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Pensive Monday

Yeah, well, about that full-of-promise weekend...

It was like coming down from high, wait, it WAS coming down from high stress. The combo of Dad's anniversary coupled with the interview on Friday dug into me in ways I wasn't aware of until I was still wandering aimlessly early afternoon Saturday or grabbing a nap on Sunday. Depression made me fall off the fast food wagon Saturday night. Sunday was a little better - Les and I went out and got a few things accomplished (like getting rid of a pile of Goodwill, a box of recycling, and purchasing a new recycling bin FINALLY!), and by some miracle, I grabbed a quick nap afterward and woke up feeling refreshed instead of guilty and bitchy. Didn't sleep well last night though, so trying to take it easy today.

Last year I remember thinking that hurricane season started about 2 weeks early. The "official" timeframe is May 30 to September 30, but the rains started 2 weeks ahead of that last year. Fast forward to the present and the same thing's occurring - rain expected all week. I'm not complaining; the retention ponds look pitiful...though I could've done without the stressful ride into work, doing 40 on the interstate with the hazards on. Just gotta keep an eye on my plants, make sure they don't get too waterlogged. Man, I can't wait to put stuff into the ground...I'm not built for this container gardening thing.

We're back to having a duck sitting on eggs...will try to get pics soon.

The hardest thing about eating smartly is not having the money for it...for the most basic things. Like not wanting to eat Jif yourself because of the potential that the oils in it are GMO, but not being able to spend the dough on an extra jar of organic PB. Like not being able to spend the money on different ingredients that go into homemade granola, when it's cheaper to grab a box of Quaker. It seriously comes down to that these days, when my paychecks are barely making ends meet. Certainly gets me thinking about the to survive til March if I don't get the marketing gig, what kind of jobs to look for up in Charlotte...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Full of promise weekend

I'm going out in a while. I'm making a list of specific food and house stuff we need, and will endeavor not to stray from it. I've paid the bills, but there's still a long month ahead. I'm relaxing, but I'm hoping to exercise later. The house needs attention, and the porch too. The ducks are still laying, but not sitting....will watch the sitch for another week before deciding what to do with the eggs. The weather's not oppressive, but I should wear shorts when I'm gallavanting around town. I'm hitting Whole Foods, Native Sun, have library books to return, and part of me's itching to just drive.

Saturdays kind of rock :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

I think it went fine.

That's my mantra, if anybody asks. In reality, I can't formulate an objective opinion on the experience. I think I talked too quickly, lost my train of thought several times (including in the middle of frickin' sentences), was overtly nervous, didn't have enough questions prepared for them, didn't grill them well enough about the nuts and bolts of the position, didn't ask about pay (other than to confirm it was a salaried position), and fortheloveofgod I missed my lithium. On lithium, I'm able to focus, I don't get jittery, and my speech maintains a speed that humans can understand. Maybe off it, I'm more real, but that wasn't completely what I wanted to sell to them, that's for sure.

Ah well...they said they'd email me about the writing assignment, and I'm already compiling a list of questions/comments for a hopeful 2nd interview...though since I already met with our CMO today as well, not sure what the next step would be. My email back to the director will reiterate my experience, desire for the position...yeesh, 1st interviews on a friday suck. Nothing to do but spend the weekend second-guessing every word that came out of your mouth.

In other news, NBC has solidified their place in history as the most idiotic of the 3 networks by cancelling Law & Order. (edit: just lost Trauma too, the bastards) I'm in mourning.


You know how when you wear pantyhose, and then you go to the john, and your damn pantyhose don't seem to fit right for the rest of the day? Yeah, that's where I'm at right now...knowing I should pee right before the interview, because otherwise Murphy's law will dictate having to pee throughout said interview, but not wanting to be any more uncomfortable in the damn hose than I already am...

I'm in a skirt. I don't wear skirts. Not even for laundry day anymore...if I'm out of pants for work, then it's time to do laundry, period. I'm in a nice, soft colored ensemble, I'm through worrying about my now I can obsess about drawing a series of blanks when they ask me questions...I haven't had to interview for anything in 10½ years! How the frick......I needed Lil Sis's coaching about the basics, because nothing is printed out hard copy anymore...please gods, let me sound intelligent!

Gotta go...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Thursday...aka life goes on...

Graphic snitched from, just cuz...
Back at work. Wish I could use this day to prep for my interview tomorrow, but whatever I can squeeze in tonight will have to suffice. It's just a lousy week before now to try and concentrate on like, anything. It's why I took yesterday off...not even really to honor Dad's memory. Didn't even make it out to nature like I wanted...we were low on gas, I had to shoe shop for the interview, I didn't get my coffee and was ornery until approximately 6 it was an average day. But I knew I wouldn't have been able to concentrate at work and with my pay so heavily gauged according to my production, it was in my best interest to steer clear of like, responsibility stuff.

We did pop over to Mom's and hang out for dinner...even saw Cyril, which was nice. Poor guy works 2, sometimes 3 jobs, so I rarely call him...don't want to catch him in a shift. But he seems OK, and we were able to catch up a bit. Mom's dog is just friggin' hilarious (and hilarious-looking...received a really short haircut recently, so she doesn't look like your average Morkie right now...more like a hairier version of a jack russell).

Managed to strain my left knee yesterday, wearing the wrong shoes to go shoe shopping...totally for a chick reason...when you know you're going dress shoe shopping, you wear shoes that slip on and off easily, so you're not dealing with socks, laces, whathaveyou, while you're shopping. Makes sense, right? Well, not when you're flat footed and large, apparently, because my knee feels like all the cartilege left the building last night and the ache radiates up into my hip. Can't wait to wear my new heels tomorrow if this doesn't resolve itself (sarcasm); never mind that I'm wanting to stick with walking, since it's dangerously close to being like, a habit (I know! crazy talk!). Patience....and placing the idea in my head now to hit the complex's stationary bikes tonight instead of walking. My emotional state has made working out a tad sporadic this week, but I'm determined to keep with it...between that and less snacking, I'm already feeling the difference in my bod...I always slim down in my high waist first (above belly, below boobs), and it's deliciously motivating, that feeling.
P.S. I was at an economic conference in India in my dreams last night, and I couldn't find my glasses...what the frick does that mean?
P.S.S. Pretty sure the new eggs on the porch have been abandoned :( oh well.
P.S.S.S. Knee still hurts and I think I should be allowed to go home now to prep for interview.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

3 years

Surreal. I guess I always have more trouble in the days leading up to it. Today's Still glad I didn't work today...when your pay is determined by your ability to produce, it's counterproductive to work when your brain is permanently elsewhere on a particular day.

Dentist this morning was lovely...finally getting feeling back in my face, and he had to nail me in the roof of the mouth with the novacaine again.

Shoe shopping for my interview today...

And the ducks seem to think our porch is a boardinghouse...4 new eggs in the litterbox.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tuesday...nothin' special

Pretty sure my reason for posting is to push Dad's photo down the page a him to pieces, but this week just blows.

Stopped by Mom's after work for a chat and to pick up some stuff, so I got home a little late and wasn't in the mood to walk. So I set down my workout mat and did an hour's worth of yoga, stretching, and arm work. Had forgotten that I'd inherited Mom's light weights (2 & 3#ers) I did bicep work using the 3s and triceps using the 2s. Normally I'd use my 5#ers and wouldn't be able to lift my arms for 2 days afterward. Result: only a pinch achy in my upper body today, instead of dear-god-what-did-i-do-to-myself...and the stretching helped my right knee, I can tell. Damnedest thing, when you exercise properly...let your body get used to the idea.

However, I was also able to do 3 sets of 15 at those weights fairly easily, so it begs the question: how soon do I bump up the weight? I've been sedentary for so long...once it gets too easy though, you know to either increase reps or weight. May pick Lil Bro's brain...

Did I mention I have an interview for that marketing job on Friday? I did? Oh, well, in case you missed it, ACK! Will start prepping for that tonight...

Monday, May 10, 2010

Updating for the sake of sanity

On this day 3 years ago, I was plugging along at work, not unlike how I'm doing now, with no idea that that evening, the gods would start calling Dad to Summerland.

This week sucks. But by getting that out there, I'm hoping to be able to concentrate on other things, at least for today.

Like the interview I just got for Friday for the marketing position...ACK!

I walked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Took Sunday off and my body is thanking me for it. Tonight after work, I'll walk again. Feels really frickin' good to be doing this.

Food's trickier, I'm still falling back on bad habits here and there, but there's gotta be a learning curve when you've eaten crappy for as long as I have. Plus I'm still finding my way where eating out's concerned...did Mother's Day lunch with Mom (we won't discuss what I had...still feel gross thinking about it), and there literally wasn't a blessed thing on the menu I felt comfortable eating...and this was Ruby Tuesday's, which prides itself on its ample salad bar. But who wants a salad that's going to be basically devoid of flavor because everything's been raised to ripen unnaturally quickly and bleach-washed to within an inch of its nutritional value? The problem with educating yourself about the food industry, GMOs, and the like is when you reach the point where you look in your full cabinets and realize there ain't a blessed thing to eat in the house that doesn't wig you out a bit or jibe against your newfound beliefs. The other side of the coin though, is making the effort to look for what you are comfortable eating.....making lunch for myself this morning, thinking I have $2 for snacks, and realizing that yogurt and a pear can keep me away from the vending machines. Again, the little things...

Moving SC trip to Memorial Day weekend...

Taking Wednesday off, because I know I'd be useless at work that day. I have a dentist appointment first thing (figured since I'm going to be in pain anyway, why not manifest a little physical as well), and a fitting of my bridesmaid dress, and I'm pretty sure I'm hitting the beach or the arboretum or both to get the hell out into nature and surrender the ache to the earth. Gonna need the gods help to concentrate at work this week and prep for the interview, but after Wednesday, I'm giving it to them and getting on with life.

Friday, May 07, 2010

thank the gods it's friday!

The sweet, delicious freedom of a friday...even when it's not a payday...even when you're poor as a churchmouse...even when you're stuck living in a smoky, jam-packed shoebox...

I have such energy today, thinking, dreaming, wanting...

Reading: this site, educating myself about GMOs

Planning: Cleaning, baking, visiting maybe (Christy's still in FL)...


I'm budgeting this weekend. The ache's getting too strong. I want land and an Alaskan Malamute or two, chickens and a dairy cow, and a small person to raise. These goals are so doable, even with my corporate life an ever-present necessity for sustenance. Les wants to go back to school, possibly for engineering, and there are programs out there to help us with that. This rut has to end. We're willing to do the work to change.

I walked last night after work, came home so pissy and frustrated I knew I couldn't stick around or I'd unload a rash of bitchiness all over Les for no reason. Only did about 3/4 of a mile, because I wasn't wearing the right sneakers, but it had the intended effect on my psyche. Can't wait to go walking again tonight!

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Thursday already?!

Not complaining, mind you...the trials I'm enjoying at work have me wishing for Friday rather earnestly. Just surprising...I need to get moving with the camera again, cuz I think I was avoiding the blog because I didn't have anything to put at the top of the post...

Mom's headed to Annapolis today, a weekend jaunt with some friends from high school. Prayers for safe trip...the cute, warm, fuzzy mommie moves slower these days, thanks to arthritis and neuropathy.

I'm pretty sure the adult ducks are still poking around on the porch a bit...found half my plants knocked over the other day. I moved the plants to the other side of the porch, and I'll clean up all that crap this weekend, but may have to build a chicken wire shelter for the plants if they keep visiting.

Still not knitting...not sure what that's about.

Walked Mom's dog twice this week while she ran errands, and it was a good reminder of how nice it is to just get outside after work.

No word on interview yet for marketing spot. Good, maybe if I'm lucky they'll put it off until I can buy decent interview shoes...

Reading Farm Sanctuary by Gene Baur...been taking a serious look at processed food this week, reading labels, etc. I'm off soda completely and curtailing easy buys, like granola bars, cookies, etc. Truly ridiculous to buy something like that when it's so easy to make at home. Watched a documentary about how cold cuts are made, and am pretty well cured of processed meat consumption too...leaning toward as raw and organic a diet as possible. Which ain't easy given our current financial constraints, but I'm finding I just don't care when I'm standing at the meat department of Publix deciding...I'll just find a way to go without something else, if it means getting fairer raised food. And I'm not fooling myself...I know the Greenwise stuff is basically factory farmed too, but when you're living paycheck to paycheck and breaking yourself into vegetarianism after a lifetime of thinking that potatoes and corn were the only vegetables on the planet, you pick your battles carefully. Feels good, so far, but again, I need to research recipes fast before boredom sends me back to Velveeta shells and cheese ::shudders::

Did have a creative success in the kitchen last night...usually when I start opening up cans and adding stuff to a pot without a clear recipe, it results in a concoction that sits in a container in the fridge untouched for about a week and then gets tossed. But the combination of my recent Chipotle enjoyment and Cinco de Mayo inspired me to create the ridiculously simple Southwestern Surprise (an original moniker), which was a can of organic black beans, a can of not-so-organic corn, and a jar of medium salsa, with some chili powder and extra cilantro added, served over brown rice with corn chips...yeah, a wee heavy on the starch, but yummy! And the whole time I'm making it, I'm thinking to myself how salsa is another thing that's way easy to make and I'd like to reach a point of not having to buy it because there's homemade on my shelves...

Now if you'll excuse me, I must amuse myself between websites by dreaming of chicken tractors and tomato plants that actually bear fruit...

Monday, May 03, 2010

Monday musings

May is going to be about healing. May '07 was a was enough just to get out of bed and breathe in and out all day long. But May '08 and '09 sucked, because I let them suck...maybe I needed to hurt in order to heal, but enough time has passed where it needs to not hurt quite so much. I love life with a rather crazy clingy passion, and spending 2 months out of 12 resenting life is nonsense. Sure, it'll still sting when the Father's Day commercials start, and I may not be able to turn off the memories on May 12, but I've got too much else going on to let it take over my life like it has the past 2 years.

Way too much else going on....
• Finished Les's disability application, need to mail his doctor file release tomorrow.
• Had the opportunity to walk after work fall into my mom needs her little runt dog walked after work, so she can run errands. This is good, as I was hoping to start walking after work this week. Just can't manage it in the mornings, but if I snack properly in the afternoon, I can walk right after work because I won't be starving when I get home.
• The house overfloweth, as usual, and requires my attention. Les was 'graining all weekend, but will be nudging him in that direction too.
• My plants are still alive! Rainy season hasn't kicked in yet, which is good, keeps me tending to them. Still skeptical that the tomatoes will bear fruit, but saw my first flower on the pepper last week!
• I'm still trying for that promotion...hopefully will hear about an interview opportunity this week, so my evenings will be spent writing and organizing my thoughts about my experience and how it relates to the responsibilities of this new position.
• Making more lists for things I need to do, wish lists for things we could use...I took my clothes out of the closet last night and hung them up, using my pagan staff as a curtain rod. That ain't gonna work long term though, so I'm thinking of investing $5 in one of those wardrobe boxes they sell at UHaul. We also need a plastic bin for the recyclables; they're piling up in a cardboard box and that needs to change. Can't happen til next check, but having it on a list helps settle my brain. Goodwill stuff is piling up too...time for another trip there. It's, like a mile down the street from us, so nothin' but laziness keeping that junk in the house.
• I can't bring myself to go back on the lithium, not when we're so close to trying for small people again. I'll increase my Paxil to the normal dosage instead.

For the first time in, umm, well, maybe ever, I'm embracing the warmth of summer. If it means wearing less clothes and showing the world my flabby arms, so be it. My pride will get me exercising, and I'm already eating better. I worked for 45 minutes out in the heat (cleaning crap out of the car, washing the windows), swilling liquids to stay hydrated, on Saturday, and it kicked my ass and screwed up my sleep that evening. That infuriates me, and I'm so tired of it. Sure, the heat will knock even the most fit person on his ass down here, but it's so, so much worse when you're carrying an extra 100 pounds. That's enough of that, I've beat this subject into the ground on this blog....also tired of sounding like a f*cking Nike ad.

This needs to end on a positive note...for anybody wondering why I want to keep chickens someday, this gem of a blog post by Jenna nails it on the head, along with all my dreams of having my own little farm someday. I read her stuff and it gives me such hope while making me ache at the same time. It really is a balm for my soul.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Summer has started

I'd forgotten how quickly it turns into summer down here, but when I saw the calendar had turned to May, it made perfect sense. Low 90s this past weekend, abundant sunshine. Will try not to bitch too much, since the weather will do this now until at least September.

Actually, it's motivating me. I'm wanting to wear less clothes, but my pride doesn't enjoy showing the skin that I have, so I'm motivated to create less of it. I'm thinking of trying walking in the mornings before work. Such a radical concept, I know.

We're eating better, at least, and I've been reading enough where I'm no longer comfortable buying certain foods. Was all set to buy regular ground beef and pork for meatloaf, but saw that Greenwise ground round was on sale and grabbed that instead. Made breadcrumbs from the detritus of our last loaf instead of buying them. It's the little things.
Gotta go obsess about how I'll present myself for my interview this week, and tear apart the closet to find appropriate clothes. Everything's in boxes, because we didn't see the point in letting the complex know when the closet last self-destructed...didn't trust them not to blame us for it and try to charge us. So all my professional-looking clothes are buried right now. Having to make do on shoes too...just couldn't find anything in my size and price range. Gonna be a lot of mind over matter in this interview...

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Saturday update

Had a half hour of work to make up this morning, and now I'm getting laundry out of the way at Mom's...had some quilts to wash that I've been avoiding like the plague, just letting 'em sit, because regular clothes always take precedence when you're paying for it. Weird how I do more laundry at her place when she's not here...I swear I'm not avoiding her! Just easier to get other things done while it's running, at my place.

Christy visit was so nice, good food and company. I got my dress fitted and will go for another fitting on the 12th. Something to look forward to on an otherwise crappy day (3rd anniversary of losing Dad)...

It's May Day, and Florida has given itself permission to hit the 90s starting tomorrow (89F high today)'s gorgeous out, and with regular work behind me, it feels like a day to work outdoors sweating yourself dry...I hope I'm still in that frame of mind when I go home in a couple of hours. My porch and car could both use the attention.