Monday musings

May is going to be about healing. May '07 was a wash...it was enough just to get out of bed and breathe in and out all day long. But May '08 and '09 sucked, because I let them suck...maybe I needed to hurt in order to heal, but enough time has passed where it needs to not hurt quite so much. I love life with a rather crazy clingy passion, and spending 2 months out of 12 resenting life is nonsense. Sure, it'll still sting when the Father's Day commercials start, and I may not be able to turn off the memories on May 12, but I've got too much else going on to let it take over my life like it has the past 2 years.

Way too much else going on....
• Finished Les's disability application, need to mail his doctor file release tomorrow.
• Had the opportunity to walk after work fall into my lap...my mom needs her little runt dog walked after work, so she can run errands. This is good, as I was hoping to start walking after work this week. Just can't manage it in the mornings, but if I snack properly in the afternoon, I can walk right after work because I won't be starving when I get home.
• The house overfloweth, as usual, and requires my attention. Les was 'graining all weekend, but will be nudging him in that direction too.
• My plants are still alive! Rainy season hasn't kicked in yet, which is good, keeps me tending to them. Still skeptical that the tomatoes will bear fruit, but saw my first flower on the pepper last week!
• I'm still trying for that promotion...hopefully will hear about an interview opportunity this week, so my evenings will be spent writing and organizing my thoughts about my experience and how it relates to the responsibilities of this new position.
• Making more lists for things I need to do, wish lists for things we could use...I took my clothes out of the closet last night and hung them up, using my pagan staff as a curtain rod. That ain't gonna work long term though, so I'm thinking of investing $5 in one of those wardrobe boxes they sell at UHaul. We also need a plastic bin for the recyclables; they're piling up in a cardboard box and that needs to change. Can't happen til next check, but having it on a list helps settle my brain. Goodwill stuff is piling up too...time for another trip there. It's, like a mile down the street from us, so nothin' but laziness keeping that junk in the house.
• I can't bring myself to go back on the lithium, not when we're so close to trying for small people again. I'll increase my Paxil to the normal dosage instead.

For the first time in, umm, well, maybe ever, I'm embracing the warmth of summer. If it means wearing less clothes and showing the world my flabby arms, so be it. My pride will get me exercising, and I'm already eating better. I worked for 45 minutes out in the heat (cleaning crap out of the car, washing the windows), swilling liquids to stay hydrated, on Saturday, and it kicked my ass and screwed up my sleep that evening. That infuriates me, and I'm so tired of it. Sure, the heat will knock even the most fit person on his ass down here, but it's so, so much worse when you're carrying an extra 100 pounds. That's enough of that, I've beat this subject into the ground on this blog....also tired of sounding like a f*cking Nike ad.

This needs to end on a positive note...for anybody wondering why I want to keep chickens someday, this gem of a blog post by Jenna nails it on the head, along with all my dreams of having my own little farm someday. I read her stuff and it gives me such hope while making me ache at the same time. It really is a balm for my soul.