Thursday, July 30, 2009

Thursday musings

I'm restless and angry and tired this week, which makes me grateful for the Chamblin's run we did this past weekend, as it gave me a bunch of new (to me) Kathy Reichs books to lose myself in at night and at lunchtime. I'm someone who can read stuff over and over without getting bored, plus there are enough volumes out now on the adventures of Temperance Brennan to keep it interesting no matter which one you pick up. She's a pip, and the forensic end of it is interesting as hell to me...

The new incentive plan was revealed at work; it'll go into effect in 2 pay periods. Yippee. Once again, they've set the bar a pinch too high. Not impossible, just enough to make you work so hard you feel like your brain has turned to oatmeal and begun leaking out your ears by the end of the day, as you stumble bleary-eyed toward your car. But I press on, because in this economy it's the only choice. And I'm recognizing that I need to train myself in certain areas, before I can demand more than what I make now at another employer. Still, living with the frustration in the meantime, not so fun...wearing jeans more during the week now helps, but it also punctuates the feeling/knowledge that I've stopped giving a damn. Which is fine, I mean, everybody's a little jaded around here, just gotta keep that from bleeding over when communicating with a higher-up.

Also inquired about the QC supervisor position again, because it was listed on the incentive sheet...and got the same song and dance about not for the near future. Also caught a vibe that reinforced my position that they're fine with the position itself, just not with any of the candidates who've voiced interest. Not that I'm paranoid or anything /:)

Coworker voiced it well this morning as we were hitting buttons for our respective floors on the elevator..."Which one of those buttons will take us to Friday?"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I dig it. My Lil Sis and I were conversing about this recently, she doesn't like to get wet. Me, I kind of love it. And these days, it can only improve my hairstyle. Summer's a crappy time for me to be growing out the mane...with my thickness in this humidity, I'm enjoying serious Hermione hair lately. It's a Harry Potter with me here, people!

We've got a nice thunderboomer passing through this afternoon, and for some reason it reminded me of childhood. We moved to Warren (CT) in the early '80s, and cable TV hadn't hit the backwoods yet. Even when it did, of course, it was nothing like the surplus of garbage we have now, but I if a storm was coming and we were short on entertainment, we'd kill the lights in the main part of the house and watch it come up from Danbury in our living room. The house on Above All was this great Cape Cod-style with a big-ass, solid (not sectioned) bay window facing south in the living room. Dad got a kick out of weather, and that house's location gave us plenty. We had a wind meter on the roof, one of those things with the cups, that measured velocity, until the weather finally blew the sucker off :)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Life's a swing

Man, lemme tellya, it's a blast being only half on very necessary medication. Just spent the last 48 hours with my little black cloud over my head, and it didn't dawn on me til the middle of last night that it was just another depressive mood swing. Perfectly normal for me. What do I expect? I'm on a nearly untherapeutic amount of Paxil, no lithium, and I eat like a college male. Tack on some candida headaches the past couple of days, and it's yet another wake-up call. Geez, this gets old.

Turns out reading about exercising isn't have to actually do some. Last two days reminded me that while it's OK to take some much -needed time to yourself, knitting, reading or whatever, that I'd of course feel better if I went walking. Now granted, it's nearly impossible for someone my size to walk in Florida in July except at very specific times of day. The heat headache starts before your heart rate even gets going. I need a treadmill. There is a treadmill at the microscopic fitness facility at my complex, but if there's anyone else in there, it gets smelly fast...the place is literally the size of a bedroom. Anyway, I'm looking at the cheap treadmills at the evil big box store since my birthday's coming up, and in the meantime, doing what I can, getting back on the Kathy Smith kick while watching TV in the evenings, because I have the Heart Walk at the end of September and the Autism Walk in November. Autism Walk, I'm betting, will be just around the track at UNF...they made the one in Orlando very easy since there were so many autistic kids that come to that. But the Heart Walk's a mere 2 months away, it's a 5K, and it's downtown. Wish it was at Riverside, but I think it's Metro Park again...oh well. So I'm reading up on how to treat my body while I start exercising carefully.

While I'm at it, I'm changing the old eating habits again. Helps that we haven't a shred of extra dough for 2 weeks...whatever's in the cabinets will have to do. We're doing pork stir-fry one night this week, I have some salad stuff, and there's a pot roast in the freezer that'll feed us for most of next week. That'll be my last red meat for a while, as I'm going to be working conscientiously at lowering my blood numbers. Cholesterol is passable, but triglycerides are abysmal (unless you're a 400-pound man). Trimming my sugars and fats, switching my ice cream at night for yogurt. My docs thumb their noses at diet soda, but I'm switching...can't have regular diet soda because I'm allergic to aspartame (Nutrasweet/Equal), but apparently Publix makes a diet with Splenda (thank you, Meara!!). While I'm changing habits, that'll be better for me than the decaf sweet tea I currently down at night...until I'm pg ::crosses fingers:: and watching my caffeine intake more carefully.

Baby steps. I'm feeling better today.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Did I say savings account?

I'd laugh if it weren't so painful...went food shopping, indulged a little here and there and the upshot is that we'll be lucky to afford his smokes after the rent and electric get paid. I'm really tiring of this...I mean, it's harder to budget when you don't have a fixed income, never mind that I don't make enough for the both of us. I'm feeling a bit lost. Must shore up the ole motivation once again, and poke Husby with my stick...because we're still trying for small people and lord knows what we'll do if I get stuck on bedrest or something...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Black Friday

Really disenchanted with my company as this week ends...lot of little things. Plus I'm second-guessing myself for not giving them more of a fight about the responsibilities they took away from me and the pay I could be losing. It's such a delicate balance...I mean, I've been with them 9½ years, so it's not like I'll impress them if I suddenly grow a pair. They know enough about me, how I operate, to already have all their notions in place as to who I am as an employee. And I've never been one to buck authority or slam my head against a wall when it's obvious that's what I'd be doing. I admit I didn't balk because the boss I had to deal with intimidates the hell out of me. But it's also about maintaining peace. The last thing you want (say it with me, "in this economy") is to give any part of your company the idea that you're unhappy. Everyone's replacable. They're already unhappy enough about how much (read: little) they pay us. Man, I was thinking about that on the way in minimum wage went up to $7.25/hour. The average copywriter at my company makes $8-$9/hour with incentives that drive it up to $11-$13. When the question of raises was broached at an all-hands staff meeting about 6 months ago, we were basically told that thanks to the economy, we should just be grateful we have jobs. The thing is, I'm finally getting that the economy is just an excuse, a wonderful excuse for them to lean on while they maintain their sweatshop mentality. I haven't received a raise in 7 years! They're lucky the copywriters don't walk.

So I'm motivated. Charlotte has web design and advertising agencies coming out of its ears. That's good and bad, means I have some significant research ahead of me as I weed out the weak from the apparent strong, see where I might fit, where it's smartest to put out the feelers. The good news is how much easier it is gosh, the last time I was doing a significant search like this, it involved a telephone book and a legal pad. Now you just bring up the agency's website.

Hindsight being what it is, I'm almost glad they're dissolving the supervisor position. I'm lousy at towing the line and in adulthood, I've discovered the freedom of saying what you think. Holding my tongue, not so good at. And the fact is that while I do make a good wage, it's very hard for 2 people to live on that wage. So I'm hitting the computer this weekend and starting the process of planning for our move...

While I'm bitching incessantly about lackomoney, our quarterly bonuses came in. Whine decreases just a'll be nice to have something in the savings account again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Giving myself permission to slack off a bit at work today, because I pulled high numbers the last 2 days and don't want people getting suspicious of how I spend my time.....have to take advantage of the company while I can, but also avoid the heat.....delicate balance.

No longer pissed per se, just tired ... researching web design companies in Charlotte (quite a few established-looking businesses, thank goodness) as well as publishing outlets...will expand search to include medical outfits probably too, given my small experience in that field. Patients are easier to deal with than regular people. Web design will pay the bucks I need though, so they're first choice.

I really, really want to be out of Jacksonville at the end of our current lease. That's going to require substantial effort on our part, but it's doable. Meara, bless her heart, keeps getting great opportunities at her position that may keep her there a bit longer than originally planned. So maybe Les and I will be the first ones up there, and can get established and then help Mom find a place. It's certainly a ways off, but I can't look at it that way anymore because time's doing nothing but flying lately...this has been such a fast year for me...I'm really curious to if things will slow down like, starting on September 10.....I'm really trying not to think about that damn age I'm turning, but I can't figure any other reason for the way time has flown this year.

This should've been an NC Moving post...nothin' much else going on...neglecting knitting this week, looking forward to weekend, the usual...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Much better

Don't know what it is, but lately when a roadblock or frustration presents itself and invades my psyche, once I figure out that I can't do anything about said stressor, the stress it's creating evaporates. I'm very lucky in this, I know. I used to obsess quite a bit more, and Husby still does, but I'm working with him on it :)

So I wake up this morning in a good place. I chalk up recent events at work to experience and push past it. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a company that's recognized that it's quite top-heavy and is starting to remedy it in the one team that could use another supervisor. This is a company that hasn't given out raises for merit or cost of living in 7 years. It's a company that's surviving the current economic crisis at the expense of the personnel, with wages below average market for the field and a sweatshop mentality. If I really only want to be in Jacksonville another year, it's time to get cracking on fluffing the ole resume and figuring out what fields I can get hired in.

In the meantime, I'm buying another pair of jeans. I'm not dressing up for these people if I don't have to, and jeans and sneaks are very acceptable at my office, unless there's suits giving tours. Wore my jeans and sneaks today (on a Tuesday! ::gasp!::) and it's nice and comfortable and putting me in a better mood for the tasks ahead. Tonight, cleaning the kitchen - it's slipped a little - and brainstorming! And a log cabin blanket that's slowly taking shape.

Monday, July 20, 2009


Seriously, I'm not entirely sure where last week went. It's been busy for me at work and all, but usually I post the random babblings of my life more than once a week. I guess since I did post over at NCMoving, it's not like I dropped off the planet, but still...

I'm in the throes of some decent hormonal mood swings, so I'll be brief...

1) My work is thinking of dissolving the position I've been trying for. This means I'll still have a job, still be doing what I've been doing, just won't have a title or any authority. Pretty ideal considering what a closet case I can be when put in a position of authority, but I'm still kind of pissed. Plus, how do I know I'd still be a closet case? I wasn't medicated at all back when I was in management. Well, then again, I'm barely medicated now...heh...

Edit to this part of the entry: they've stripped me of most of my responsibility. I'm no longer kind of pissed, I'm pretty fully pissed. And feeling underappreciated. And tired, tired, tired of the BS. Ah well...

2) I'm pretty sure summer is epitomized in pictures like the avocado and tomato sandwich over at beauty that moves. I wanted to drop everything and drive to Native Sun for fresh everything when I saw that photo.

3) Just remembered another reason I wasn't blogging last week...serious family drama on my husband's side, and didn't want to blab too much. It's just a lousy situation, and if I had my way, we'd be fighting for custody of our niece; but it's not feasible/we'd get a fight from his folks.

4) Knitting a bit, not reading much, but I've gotten smart about the ole hormonal enslavement and I don't even try to accomplish much when it's on. Did a whole lot of laying around yesterday, and am glad I did.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Something about a Monday...

"Today is a new day with no mistakes in it yet."
~ Anne of Green Gables, L.M. Montgomery

Every once in a while, I don't strap on my little black cloud to head out into a Monday. I find that I have that newly hatched feeling, where the brain's awake enough to have positive ideas and work is more tolerable as a result. I'd still like to be about anywhere other than strapped to my cubicle, but the work day will last as long as it lasts, and then I'll be free to catch up on laundry, make a meal plan for the week, read, knit on the log cabin blanket I'm optimistically hoping to create for our king-size bed, and poke the husband with a stick.

The rain's picked up around here and everything smells green. I spent parts of the weekend helping Mom out. She had minor hand surgery on Friday, and her little dog got sick that afternoon. A sigh-worthy vet bill and rather hilarious amount of medications later (5 different meds for a 5-pound dog!? Oh, I get it, one med per pound...), Chloe's rallying slowly. Mom's rallying faster; she had a finger that was locking and this procedure released it, but still, trying to shove meds down a dog's throat with a wrapped-up hand is an exercise in patience. The critter looked traumatized after we got through with her midday regimen yesterday, poor thing. Then Sunday I went over to help vacuum and dust, which was almost more psychological than sanitary, as Mom keeps a pretty clean place already. Someone should do a study on how vacuum cleaner tracks on a carpet instills a feeling of calm and order in the universe.

Tack a couple of hours at the office on Saturday to catch up from taking the day off on Friday, and the darn weekend went by fast as a result. But I was able to relax a bit and do so without guilt. That's always tricky for me on the weekends, slacking without feeling bad about it. Helps that the floor space in the ole apartment hasn't gotten cluttered up. Since I'm back to 5-day weeks (had a couple of weeks there where it was one day off here, one day off there), I'm hoping to tackle small projects in the evenings, so I won't be so putting-my-eggs-in-one-basket about the weekends. Tired of having grandeous ideas about accomplishing things on the weekends, and getting to the end of said weekends with distinct lack-of-accomplishment feeling. Harder to get motivated after the task of creating decent meal and cleaning kitchen every evening, but it helps that there ain't dick on TV right now. In the fall, it'll require a bit more willpower.

Then there's exercise. I've signed up for two 3-mile walks this fall, the Heart walk in September and the Autism walk in November. I've gained 20 pounds of McDonald's and Starbucks (not in that order) in recent months, and I'm trying to get pregnant in a body that's probably fighting that very prospect. Something clicked this weekend. If I can't get motivated to exercise first thing in the morning, then I'll start in the evenings while I'm watching TV and once it's habit, expand the concept. I'm reading some new books on getting healthy, and getting over to Native Sun or RAM for our produce.

Still pondering the planting thing...haven't given up exactly, but I'm dashed as to if it's even possible to grow anything where I live. Between the squirrels and the heat, my hands are pretty tied.

Been very scatterbrained where purses are concerned lately, changing them out practically once a day...the cat and I are getting along better than usual...Husby's head flares up a little worse in summer because of the barometric pressure during storms.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Rainy Wednesday

I'm lost as to the logic of mowing the lawn in the rain. This can't just be a Dad-ism that I've picked up...doesn't it make sense that rain weighs down the grass, so you're not cutting it so much as mashing it when you run a mower over it when it's soggy. We had good soaking rains start up in the wee hours this morning, and the landscapers were out at my complex doing their thing Wednesday like it was normal out. I suppose it's a negligible offense to the grass, since they already force it to grow where it wouldn't normally and spread god-knows-what on it to control bugs and weeds. But still, how do you go about a job like that and not feel like a Darwin award recipient? Don't get me started on the leaf blowers...

Looks like we're expecting rain the rest of the week. Good, we need it. I know the New Englanders are starting to feel like they're drowning, but it hasn't been normal down here since late May where rain is concerned. Could use the catchup...sun was trying to burn through the clouds in the midst of a good soaker this morning, saw a rainbow on the way to work :)

Started third panel on log cabin blanket, feeling this knitting in my upper arms...switched from straights to circulars and dug out the worsted Red Heart in my stash. When Yarn Harlot came to town, I won a gift package that included a set of 48" 10½s...nice to finally put 'em to use.

Finally cracked the Pagan Book of Living and Dying...glad I did, it's speaking to me, reminding me of stuff I'd forgotten. Pagans lapse just like Christians, and it's been ages since I've read anything on the craft.

Heart Walk coming up in September and Mom being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes has me thinking hard once again about my health...

Monday, July 06, 2009

Floor space

Happy 4th, rah, rah! I'm just not the most patriotic gal...don't know why. My patriotism went up a notch when we elected Obama into office, but there's enough history for us to be not proud of, that I have trouble remembering that we're still the coolest country with regards to personal liberty, freedom of speech/religion, etc. Hard to remember that stuff, when we still don't let gays marry in like, 42 states, and this Reclaiming/Feri witch currently studying Buddhism still has to keep her philosophical opinions to herself in most of the South.

So it's good that Mom dragged me out on Saturday evening. Les would've liked to come with, but the weather's been quite Julyish around here, so his head/body wouldn't have been able to take it. Lord, it was warm! Between the weather and the AC on the fritz this weekend, I'm pretty sure I've lost any water weight I had to spare....still catching up. Metro Park was hosting the annual concert and fireworks, so Mom and I went out to mingle with the unwashed masses and catch Richard Marx and Pat Benatar. Chagrined to admit ... I had a blast! Marx put a rockin' spin on most of the fluff he played from the '80s, and Benatar still has her pipes. Played my personal fave ("Invinsible") as well as all her big hits...terrific concerts! Everyone brings blankets and chairs and parks on the grass...I went to buy a new camp chair and confirmed what I feared: I've outgrown the weight limit on the average camp chair, literally. So I purchased a cushioned stadium seat instead, so that I'd have a straight back for leaning against when sitting on the grass...did the trick nicely and was another eye-opener.

Another thing...the fireworks were excellent!! Jacksonville sets them off from 2 barges in the river, plus strobes and sparkly stuff on the Main Street and Acosta bridges. We were directly in front of one batch and even with the almost-full moon had a clear view...never seen them do different shapes before, like butterflies and stars, plus the swirlies after the initial bang, and colorscolorscolors!

Yes, the AC was on the fritz most of the weekend...that was an 80+ degree blast, she said sarcastically. Got up to 84 in the apartment at one point, yeesh, it was miserable trying to sleep in that. Maintenance came out on Sunday and chastised us for not having a filter, as its lack was clogging up the system. Les gave it a good brushing and it cooled down finally yesterday evening. So with maintenance's impending visit, it lit a fire under my butt and I emptied the apartment of some stuff...loaded the latest Goodwill donations into the car, recycled the old filing cabinet and plastics (FINALLY!!!), and sent the typewriter table to the dumpster. Also moved the new wooden cabinet down off its friend and onto my work table, which opens up the feel of the main room, and the purging gives us more floor space than I've seen in oh, years. Holy cow, I'm loving that floor space! Gave the kitchen a surface cleaning too, still keeping the dishes from piling up for the most part, and my head is in a much better place where that apartment is concerned.

Going to sand down the rough spots on the smaller wooden cabinet, restain it, make repairs if needed, and paint it, I think, and then empty and do the same to the bigger one. I've been knitting kitchen washcloths, have 2 socks on the needles, and I started an acrylic log cabin bedspread, motivated by Yarn Harlot and the urge to get the serious amounts of acrylic yarn that have been gifted to me by Mom J onto needles or out of the house.