I wish...

...I could shower my guy with gifts on his birthday. Might have been able to do more if I'd saved a little, but my checks have gone just thin enough where that's a hard thing to do. I did get his watch battery replaced and the Lord of the Rings animated remastered DVD, and made him a homemade card. I push the simple stuff hard at times like this, but he does get disappointed, so it's a delicate balance, celebrating and not letting him go too Eeyore on me...we couldn't even afford crab. So I made him cheddar-corn spoonbread and my Nanie's hot milk cake, which I'm pretty sure I've never cooked for him in our 13 years together (how the frick did that happen?! that's a Lyons staple, that recipe)...ah well, just further punctuates how we need to budget for certain things.

I wish his folks could have the courage to do what needs to be done with the family members (one's their daughter, so I get that it's hard, but still...) who are so mooching off them and show no indication of taking responsibility for their lives, that my inlaws are forced to neglect the other family members on things like birthdays.

I wish that I had my sister's ability to relate comfortably with people, that gift that didn't require an $800 Dale Carnegie course for her, and now in me is still pretty buried and only comes out for special occasions, because I don't deal with front-facing customer service at all in my job...

That isn't jealousy, it's admiration. The girl knew she wanted a master's degree, so she plowed on after her BA and got it, and it and her personality and intelligence have opened new doors that I wish I could talk about, shout from the rooftops, but...not yet...

It gets me thinking, about the type of person I've become, about how I'm not altogether unhappy with the ways my personality has changed with age, Paxil, to lithium or not to lithium...how while I may be qualified for a management position, I can't be certain that it's what's right for me. Don't get me wrong; they offer me that job and I'll be upstairs faster than it takes to clean out my desk...I need the added responsibility and the possibility of a bit more dough...I'm bored out of my friggin' skull in editing, and I loathe the different unfairnesses in how we're paid. It's helping me see what I actually need to look for in a job, next year, Charlotte.

Guess it's a pensive week.