Monday, March 17, 2008

Well, they were nice thoughts...

I'm not one to erase blog entries when I make what turn out to be "not quite accomplished" goals...but it's still a little embarassing. I mean, I suppose I could let you guys think I did all that stuff this weekend, from the Tech Free Day to the baking...but what's the point in that when I can't hide my disappointment from myself...and that's where it's most important that I remain honest, with me. Anyway, this weekend was about recognizing limitations, and dealing with old feelings. The Paxil decrease is starting to show itself in my behavior; I'm finding it harder to get motivated, having some trouble sleeping, feeling a bit down...and that general malaise that comes from depression is a bitch to work around. I have much better coping skills than, say 8 years ago, but it's still a lesson each time. Plus when I think about Dad, the tears come easier without meds. That's good of course, but it's hard.

So I'm playing hookey today from work and taking stock a bit...

The Kingston Trio was delightful, and the symphony's selections beforehand were excellent. They rounded off their half with Scenes from Far & Away...that movie soundtrack kept me sane through my last year of college, and it moved me to tears to hear it played. And the Kingston Trio...I'm pretty sure I was tapping into subconscious memories with those songs, because I don't remember them specifically as part of Mom and Dad's repertoire of favorites back in the day, but it's like maybe they played that stuff back when we lived on Ferris or Silvermine Avenues (ages birth to 5ish for me), so while they're not actual memories, they reside on the outskirts of my brain somewhere. Such a nice evening with Mom :)

Stayed home the next day, because Mom wanted to do the taxes that morning and needed the lack of distraction, plus I knew if we'd be babysitting that night, I needed to take "me" time that day so that it wouldn't feel so overwhelming later. Good move; the babysitting itself was fine. The 3+ year old takes a shine to Les, so they hung out while I tended to the 6-month-old, who was an absolute dream until he woke up from a nap and realized the ole parentals still weren't there, and then he cried. Lustily. For a solid half hour. Big tears. I know it was my unfamiliarity with him causing his fear (coupled with a raw diaper rash spot probably), but it was still a bit scary and disheartening. And seeing those 2 in their environment helped me realize how I really don't want to be starting out with a small one in this apartment, but with time running against me, we're really going to have to just cross that bridge as we come to it.

I'll probably transplant a pile of the aloe next weekend, when Mom's at the Cape (Cod, not Canaveral - reunion with her sisters).

Sunday was hard, a day of reckoning budget-wise, so the baking went on the back burner. Not sure what i got accomplished yesterday, come to think of it...Saturday morning was good: the sewing machine does work, I started the took me 2 runs at least to figure out tension issues there too, but it was me getting used to the machine again, and recognizing the patience required while feeding the material through...the 3rd side was near perfect. I did 4 rows of Cozy on Saturday and the other 4 on Sunday. Read a bit. TV was on by noon something on Sunday, just couldn't manage it. But sleep really sucked last night, and when I woke up today I knew I needed the extra day, so I took it.

Orthopedist later, and deciding if I want to do Clomid again this month...and calling the apartment complex about renewing the lease. I got some more sleep, and I'm rallying.

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