Fashion victim

I'm a self-proclaimed fashion victim...have been to some extent since adolescence, though I didn't get it at the time...thought that Garfield t-shirts and fluorescent socks were acceptable in junior high...keep in mind this was a rural school in the '80s please, lest you judge too harshly. Nowadays, and in the inner city, if you can keep your junior-high-aged female from baring her belly and wearing an elastic band that apparently is supposed to double as a skirt, you're considered a good parent. But I digress...

I subscribe to a fairly female-soccer-player-type of fashion sense (except I'm hetero): simple, utilitarian...I'd be a happy camper if my job required me to wear jeans and oxfords (the shirts and the shoes) everyday. I think one of the things I liked about working for AMC fresh outta college is that it was a uniform job and I didn't have to think about what to wear.

But I'm a serious purse horse, and a bit of a shoe horse, so I recently acquired a new pair of oxfords and a pair of mocs for work. I'd been surviving on a rather ugly pair of Skecher oxfords and 2 pairs of ratty dress sneakers (Ked or Converse style) all summer, and it'd finally worn thin; it was just getting too sloppy looking. I mean, occasionally, I wouldn't mind looking 38. Husby doesn't get this. He sees my container of shoes and doesn't get that the dress heels only get worn for X and the New Balances only get worn for Y. Well, too bad.

So I still felt like I was missing something, trolled online a bit, and decided to go to Kohl's (dangerously close to my work) yesterday on my lunch, where I tried on what I thought I'd like, and then found the ideal instead: a nice, pretty pair of clogs that were Miracle #1) comfy, Miracle #2) in my size, and Miracle #3) only $18.99. I snatched them up without a thought. Put them on this morning with my rather spartan capris and black top, and felt like a girl for once. Took my first steps around the apartment...

::FART::

Oh hell.

::FART, FART::

With every freakin' step! Sonofabitch! Must be my flat feet, combined with the leather-wannabe uppers. Pissshitcorruption! I'm too delighted in my purchase to switch shoes, so I go to work in them, while attempting to manuever my feet as I'm walking so that the noise won't be so apparent. This produces a nice pig-on-stilts feeling, which I laugh off while feeling mortified, though I'm sure absolutely no one noticed anything.

::FART, FART, FART::

::sigh:: So at lunchtime, I say screw it and head to the local Publix to reaffirm my fashion-victim status by buying some Peds to eliminate that farting sound. It'll look silly, but I'm too old to be worried about it anyway...it's like when people say that socks with sandals is a big no-no; I say, yeah, maybe when you're my age, but if you're 70, pair it with a "Who Gives a Shit?" t-shirt and go to town...anyway...

No Peds, but plenty of ankle socks that'll look just as bad. Then I see something similar...and frickin' ingenious. No Nonsense makes hosiery that cover just the toes or just the instep; it's designed for added comfort for all those damned minimalist shoes that are out there for women nowadays. I grab the instep ones on faith, fit 'em over the ole bunion back at work, and sure enough, they do the trick! Holy cow! Fashion victim, be damned. I may still lumber around sometimes feeling like I've been dressed by Omar the Tent Maker, but I'll be wearing a pretty pair of clogs with it now :)