Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A heavy heart

Warning: philosophical entry ahead...

There were a handful of times in college where I drove home hugging the white line on the right and praying to whomever I believed in at the time, that I'd make it home safely because I'd had a bit too much to drink. I've always worn a seatbelt; my folks were good about instilling that in us as kids, and getting into a car accident 4 days after getting my license certainly put the fear of God in me where that was concerned too, especially since the seatbelt in question failed and I took a steering wheel to the chest...luckily wasn't going too fast, as this was pre-airbag days, though I'm not a fan of airbags either. Anyway...

My friend Izzy's daughter Sara lost her boyfriend yesterday; he lingered for 2 weeks following a drunk driving accident before dying from his injuries. I ache with this news. I think of the things that people will say..."what a waste,"..."so young,"...like those words will help make sense of a senseless tragedy. I look back on my own mistakes in judgment and wonder why I was spared. What makes me so friggin' special? Which gets me thinking about the randomness of life, how we don't have any control over it at all, no matter how much we try, and then I have to stop thinking, because that's enough to make you want to curl up in a ball...I think of Christy and more lately, Meara, who are trying so hard to have complete control over their lives, who think that so long as everything is going according to plan and in its proper place, that maybe nothing (else) bad will happen. I totally get Meara needing that after losing Dad; we had 36 hours of closure, which I thank the gods for, but we all still feel robbed, like it was way too soon. The anger that accompanies that feeling has a color and a vehemence that can easily overwhelm.

But there must be a happy medium between needing total control over your life vs. giving up completely and letting fate or destiny take its course. I like to think I'm finding that balance myself. I'm not even sure I believe in god, but I wake up in the morning, take solace in the elements, and recognize the balance between perfectionism and faith. Thanks to Dad, I'm reminded everyday now of the tenuous time we have here on Earth and I try to make good use of that time. I believe that Dad's fear shortened his life, and I'm determined not to let it happen to me. I pray for the opportunity to create my own small ones and teach them the preciousness of this life.

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