Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I get it now

I'm a big M*A*S*H fan. In the final episode ("Goodbye, Farewell, & Amen"), Winchester has a sad epiphany where he realizes that music will always be a reminder to him (of the war). I always had trouble buying that, based on the obvious love his character had for certain musics, couldn't see how something like music could take on such a negative connotation.

I get it now. It's not negative, exactly, just very, very painful. I'm finding that I can't listen to certain artists at work (Josh Groban and Enya in particular), because the music is so beautiful, it's making me cry. I feel this rather painful rage inside me with the knowledge that Dad will never again enjoy the beauty of music on our plane (of existence). I can't handle that; he loved certain music...I'm not even saying that Enya or Josh were particular favorites of his; rather it's the crystalline beauty of their music that's setting me to tears. We kids grew up listening to various types of music with Dad; some of my earliest memories are of having the headphones on while we listened to Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head or Tie a Yellow Ribbon, or Judd Strunk's Daisy a Day. I can't handle the thought of all the stuff he's missing. I suppose I should/could content myself with the idea that he gets to enjoy it all whenever he wants now, but I just can't buy that idea of Summerland...and I can't believe it just for faith's sake, regardless of how terrified the alternative makes me. Being true to myself means recognizing that I plain don't believe in heaven and hell...don't believe in much of anything on the subject, beyond the possibility of passing onto a different plane of existence. Whatever...he's missing out, and we're missing out by not having him here, and it sucks!

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