Random...

May take stock in another day or two....just too slammed these days. Making up my hours from taking Monday off, so I can take advantage of OT, and they've got me copywriting, which is a grueling existence for someone who's spent the better part of the last 7 years correcting other people's mistakes rather than writing her own......


That said...

Irony is reading Farmer Jane (or Michael Pollan's Food Rules, for that matter) while hoovering a Big Mac and fries on your lunch break.

How can you loathe the US food industry as much as I do and still eat the garbage they churn out?

Because I'm slammed for time and because it's there are SUCH shitty excuses.

Getting really tired of choking on my own hypocrisy...

Dig it

"Zen isn’t cleaning up your house so you have a calm and orderly mind. Zen is cleaning up your mind so you have a calm and orderly house."

~ Karen Maezen Miller

Says. it. all.

3 Days

3 solid days without plugging in...well, that's not entirely a pure statement, there was plenty of TV on. The damn thing needs to be on whenever the niece is awake. But it's hard to count Wonder Pets and Dino Dan as plugging in when you're an adult. And I never went on the computer.

My inlaws upgraded to something other than dial-up awhile back, so I could've gone on rather easily. The computer is in the master bedroom, but that's an area that gets some traffic, and they wouldn't have minded one bit if I'd asked to go on. I simply had no need to while I was there.

I finished Farm City and started Hay Fever. Knit 8 rows on Cozy. It was rainy while we were there, but I got some fresh air. I played with the niece as much as I could tolerate (her parents let her stay up til 10 p.m......she's 4. Beautiful kid, but by the end of the day, you're exhausted) and we just visited. Husby's Lil Sis came on Sunday and we hung out a bit. I listened to Grandma; she goes on these tangents about the past, but she's still seriously sharp at 90. There were no huge blow-ups, but I did have to step outside once to rein in my tongue.

I abandoned any thoughts of going to work today and crashed after unpacking. Glad I did, feels like I'm still catching up, even though I sleep well while I'm up there...they have leather couches on Grandma's floor that are great for sleeping. But there's nothin' like your own bed. Tonight will be quiet, filled with reading, primping, and getting in work mode in my head. I'll make lunch tonight for tomorrow. Could've been worse, could've been better, glad to be home. Where the hell's our pizza?

Image from here.

Taking Stock

How is it midweek again already? Not quite out of that slump, it appears...the days are still running together; I could be eating better, and my wind-down time in the evenings is not spent knitting or reading or thinking, but rather playing Mah Jong on the PS2 until I'm too tired to see straight.

We're heading to the wilds of South Carolina to visit the inlaws, a trip that brings feelings of anticipatory trepidation. It's a pressure cooker there, and I hold my tongue as well as I can. We're there to visit, but we become de facto babysitters. It's one of those "of course, I want to play with my niece, but has anyone told you you're a fucking useless parent...." situations. Heh, so much for my promise to hold my tongue about them on this blog. I sincerely hope I can sneak off Sunday morning for a quick hike in Hitchcock Woods, or at least a walk around the neighborhood. Should be warm, but pleasant, and I ache to spend time outdoors. Keeps the claustrophobia at bay, and gives the niece fresh air. I also ache to be able to drive further north on a hunting mission...will be dropping hints that future visits this year will be stopovers on our way to Charlotte to educate ourselves on laying down new roots there.

Outside: starting to sweat more...bought a new sun shade for the car...will only pack one sweater for the evenings up in SC...

Inside: It's my 2nd straight day of copywriting. It was a friendly, non-negotiable order. Copywriters do NOT get paid well enough at my company, and the justification of our assembly-line system pales in its strengths against our back-breakingly heavy present queues. I pray the queues are high enough for QC OT next week. That money's been a godsend.

Wearing: jeans, blue sneaks, gray top...pretty slouchy look for me, but it's my Friday, so I had trouble mustering fashion enthusiasm...besides, we need to do laundry.

Creating: um, yea, what was the question? Haven't touched anything this week, but will bring at least a sock and Cozy up to SC...

Reading: Farm City by Novella Carpenter. Will bring a couple of other library gems up to SC as well for distraction purposes. And my Buddhist mags for centering.

Going: see second paragraph...

Hoping: I don't tell anyone to grow the fuck up this weekend and take responsibility for their own fucking lives and the lives of their children.

Breathe in.....breathe out.....

Image from here.

Just Gotta Say.....

Steered clear of Starbucks on lunch break. Enjoyed an Amy's frozen meal in the sunshine outside. It's rather criminally beautiful out today; hate going back in. Not going to grab a Coke unless I'm seriously falling asleep at the keyboard later. Feeling so strong and determined! Water bottle full, and my cup runneth over...

I understand the draw of the instant gratification of sweets, and how it's compounded by our food industry helping create a metabolic disorder in my system, which then craves said sweets. So why am I able to make good, smart choices on some days and not on others? How much can be blamed on lack of willpower and how much on the addictions that I've initiated with my poor lifestyle choices? They've literally done studies that show that people eat junk food now because their brains are telling them to, because to not eat it would be depriving yourself of something. But then there's days like today, when I'm able to see that I don't need the extra calories of a frappuccino, that drinking water will be so much better for me than carbonated corn syrup, and that dessert tonight WILL be organic vanilla yogurt instead of peppermint patties (and that if I do that enough times, the "need" for dessert will evaporate as well). So maybe it's time to stop using the brain chemistry thing as an excuse, and own up to the fact that I do have the willpower within me, that I do recognize good choices vs. bad ones, so that the next time I'm facing the door of the Starbucks or the candy aisle, I'll be able to say NO. You want something like that for a treat? Drop 100 pounds first, and we'll talk.

Yet Another Rally

It's ridiculous how quickly I go to seed. I've only been putting in an extra 6 to 10 hours a week at work, but between junk food and feeling scattered, I let a week go by between Y visits and my diet is abysmal again. Slept 8 dream-filled hours last night, and still looked tired in the mirror this morning.

The good news is I'm rallying. Went to the grocery store last night for a couple of things, and ended up throwing down a benjamin on mostly healthy fare. Veggies from the organic section, some salad greens, Stonyfield yogurt for dessert in the evenings instead of the godawful grazing I've been doing. Enjoyed sticker shock with the organics, but couldn't bring myself to even look at the pesticide-riddled cauliflower. Also, zucchini was on sale, but it looked lousy, and why shouldn't it? It's out of season, and what's in front of me was shipped from a hothouse in California. Not worth it...

Was thinking ahead too; we're visiting the inlaws this weekend, and their pantry is so foreign to me that I'm usually at loose ends finding food that I like. Thinking of bringing some of my own stuff up this time, so I'm not surviving on junk. They're well-rounded eaters, but the lifespan of the fridge items can be questionable.

Brought my lunch today, and planning to stay away from Starbucks; and I'm hitting the Y tonight. Been reading about the Paleo diet...interesting stuff, as a whole not for me, sounds like Atkins with organics...but I take what works for me from it, and it's got me tweaking my exercise regimen again, shorter exercise periods, more intense, interval training. I dig the concept of those Vibram Five Fingers shoes too, but I won't invest in those until I consult a podiatrist; with my flat feet, it could make my legs much stronger or make my knee arthritis much worse.

I'm not sure how I feel about gluten and dairy. I'm one of those folks who actually enjoys a glass of cow's milk, like the flavor, makes me feel strong...there's an emotional attachment, probably because I was allergic to it for the first 12 years of my life...it made me cough, which can be attributed to mucus buildup, which begs the question of whether or not I "grew" out of that allergy or just became used to its side effects. I don't have a lot of hay fever-like symptoms as an adult, thank goodness, but your average health coach would still recommend a decrease, I'm betting. I'm laying off the cheeses for now, sticking to yogurts (for the probiotics) and milk. But it's got me researching more about inflammation of the tissues, because while I bear zero symptoms of celiac or other intestinal issues, the fact remains that I've slowed my metabolism down considerably with my years of crappy diet. It's my hope that I can substitute enough bad with good to make a difference.

It's cranking into the mid-80s in FL, which means dressing lighter and actually shaving occasionally ;) I ache to get my hands in the dirt, but I really don't know if it's worth the investment right now. Anything I plant indoors would need to be sequestered from the cat, and anything I plant outdoors would need to be sequestered from the ducks. May be finally time to invest in a mini greenhouse with shelving, because I don't think I can go through this spring without planting. If you'll excuse me, I need to go hit the Home Depot/Lowe's websites.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Erin go bragh and slainte! Rather than focus on a saint who likely is credited with chasing the pagans out of Ireland, I just enjoy celebrating St. Patrick's Day "because I'm friggin' Irish, dang it!" I remember Dad wistfully today; he was very proud of his Irish heritage. Pretty sure he was 100%, while Mom's a mix of Mic, Brit, and German. Besides, I'm living proof that St. Pat didn't succeed, so the heck with him.

I've been kind of out of it the last 2 weeks or so. Rather than delve deeply into the causes, I'm going to just concentrate on digging myself out. Can't blame it all on Alli, though there's definitely been some deep thought occurring as a result of her passing. But it's also Springtime and apartment clutter and fear and a mishmash of other emotions, combined with OT, scattering my brain. So enough already!

We need the OT. It's damn sweet having the dough to buy little things and still get the bills paid. It's sweet having a savings account with actual money in it. So in spite of Husby's grumbling, I grab at it greedily. It can only help us down the road, and it won't always be there. He only grumbles out of guilt anyway, and because he misses me when I'm not at home, so his heart's in the right place, even if his head won't let him be as productive as I. Even though this week it requires more work, requires me to brush up on my copywriting...I'm looking at that as an opportunity, because lord knows I need to stay fresh in that arena; as it's where I'll be focusing my initial job searches in Charlotte. It just figures that when my company is FINALLY in a position of strength, that I'm positioning to get the hell out. Timing is everything to Murphy.

So my weekend will be truncated by work, but I refuse to let it slam me down. I haven't been doing yoga at home yet, but I wasn't as sore this week after my weight training, so I only took one day off, going back to Y tonight. It's in my head though, the yoga, some meditation, some assessment of our surroundings, rather than just tearing into it like a whirling dervish. We still have plenty of time, so I may as well stay organized. Yes, I am a Virgo, why do you ask?

Outside: it's Florida again, 40s in the evenings if we're lucky, 70s to 80s during the day. It's impossible to stay grumpy about the weather when you live in paradise, but I still resent the hell out of it sometimes.....like this weekend, when I'll be sweating water weight while Mom and Lil Sis gallavant around Charlotte with the windows open...

Inside: oddly warm and fairly green...lot of St. Pat's celebrants. And the HR team works hard to celebrate holidays around here since we've gotten so big...there's an ice cream float with my name on it down at the commissary later : )

Wearing: Jeans, flats, green shirt...been rocking the jeans lately, just in a jeans mood. Always the tomboy...

Reading: Death Du Jour by Kathy Reichs...the magazines from last week...

Creating: unearthed Cozy from the UFO pile and am focusing on it for now....also rocked a decent meatloaf last night.

Going: Mom's for laundry, work on Saturday, otherwise just cleaningcleaningcleaning...

I pray for clarity this weekend.

Image from here.

Mental Pinball

I've started wearing my buddhist mala beads on my left wrist again, as an attempt to remind myself to live in the present. Ain't working so well today. The morning is crawling, and my brain is a jumping bean. Japan and Alli linger in the back of my thoughts; NC sneaks into the front, and my current life in FL gets shoved aside in favor of dreams.

The weather's annoying...45 at night, 81 by midday. Just about starting to sweat weather...at least we can still open up at night. Not looking forward to the summer electric bills...

The weekend was exhausting. Went to the Y on Saturday morning, and am very glad I did, because Alli's memorial was that afternoon, and my brain shut down afterward. Sunday was a sleep catch-up day, which felt good, resulted in some pampering, but didn't do me any good that night; because it took me forever to get to sleep and I had to be up by 6 a.m. Monday morning to take Mom to a procedure (all's well). So my butt dragged the rest of the day, I drank too much coffee, and was in the sack by 10 last night. Feeling quite a bit more normal today, but still shaking off a bit of something existential...

Lil Sis has spent the last 3 days in a rather idyllic setting in Asheville, buried in work while surrounded by soul-touching beauty. My brain's up there with her a bit, enjoying a walk off the beaten path...

The local Y is in the middle of a Strong Kids campaign, designed to get kids exercising. Love the concept, but it's such a drop in the bucket. Witnessed a little girl, about 9ish, trying out the treadmill for the first time while Mom worked out nearby, only to then step down and drink heartily from a 24 oz. Powerade. Does Mom wonder why her little girl still has baby fat?

After 2½ weeks of switching out purses and wallets in a quest for something springy, I've gone back to the purse I used all winter, because it just rocks what I need better than anything else in my collection right now. The female is one seriously fickle species.

I think the caffeine consumption needs to continue today.

I'm finding I need 2 days between weight lifting workouts. Makes sense, but I should be doing yoga or something in between too, and haven't been as diligent with that. Hoping this week brings better concentration...

Image from here.

A Post of Silence

Honoring those who passed in Japan last week. Idea totally snitched from FarmMama. Image from here.

Taking Stock

"Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday..."
~ Diddy, Dirty Money

Doing SO much better today.

Not sure, but I think I may have gone through all 5 stages of grief in one fell swoop...since I didn't know her personally, only through Lil Sis, had only met her a handful of times, what was striking me most was just how young she was and how random her death seemed. That kind of death terrifies me, sets me into an existential frenzy about how I'm not doing enough with my life. To wake up one morning and have your body shut down that day...seems strange that I glean how short life is from her death; where were these feelings when Dad passed? Losing Dad was a whole different animal though...

I woke up this morning, rested and motivated, even though I didn't do half the stuff I wrote about yesterday. I needed to shut the brain down last night, and I found that I couldn't concentrate on the magazine articles; nothing was getting in, so I just skimmed stuff. Back to Y tonight.

Outside: Dreary...don't mind it though, cuz it's keeping the temps moderate.

Inside: Quiet so far...hope it stays that way.

Wearing: jeans, Docs, purple and green pinstriped blouse with pink T underneath.

Reading: the latest Tricycle, Shambhala Sun, and Yoga for Beginners—Volume I (newstand only apparently...weird). Also Deja Dead, by Kathy Reichs.

Creating: holding pattern here...we'll see what the weekend brings.

Going: memorial for Alli on Saturday, otherwise, working at home.

Image from here.

One More...

Love yourself and be awake
Today, tomorrow, always.

First establish yourself in the way,
Then teach others,
And so defeat sorrow.

To straighten the crooked,
You must first do a harder thing,
Straighten yourself.

You are your only master.
Who else?
Subdue yourself,
And discover your master.

The Dhammapada

..................

So I'm home from work, no longer required to perform rote tasks...my brain is settling a bit. Made dinner. Planning to watch some of my yoga DVD and read more of Structural Yoga, as well as some more magazines acquired at the local Borders (which is closing, so everything's on sale)...

I couldn't go to the Y tonight. I'm actually pretty proud of this decision. To steal from AA terminology, I'm a recovering self-abuser. In the bad times, in college and after, I would cut or bruise myself to relieve stress. Haven't come close to it in years, but I recognize the cravings; they don't go away, they just get redirected (if you're lucky and take the right steps) to more positive, healthy outlets.

I spent the day feeling so damn sad and angry about Allison going to Summerland, I just knew that if I went to the Y, I'd kick my body's arse. I'd hit every weight machine and then some, and just wale on my body with those conflicting emotions. To do that after taking several days off from working out, I'd be in decent physical pain the next day, if I managed not to strain something. Same concept, different medium.

So I stepped back. I'm listening to myself and I'm going to try a bit of meditation tonight, some centering and grounding visualization...I'm feeling better, and tomorrow's Y workout will be better for it.

Selfish

Will death always affect me this way from now on? Momentarily hobbling me so that I can't properly relate to how the family is suffering......I know that suffering, I lived it, and yet, I'm questioning going to the memorial and showing my support to the family because I don't know how I will be able to handle it?! The rage has turned inward...

"...it's a bright white light that blinds people's vision,
and runs over them, scratching, clawing, with ragged nails...
and if I screamed, it would be a primal sound,
a ripping from my soul
of echos and tears and...relief?..."

Excerpt from a poem I wrote in college, when our friend Stacy passed (non-Hodgkins lymphoma). Interesting how I put into words something then, that I didn't even really experience until almost-4 years ago...until you experience a truly "close" death, everything else is a fake.

I want to play Linkin Park's Catalyst on my iPod until my ears bleed. Instead I let it shuffle and attempt to concentrate on work. My heart has a fragile crust. The breeze on my face at lunchtime moved me to tears. I'm thinking of blowing off the Y, only because in my current emotional state, I'm liable to seriously overdo it, which is not something I want to do to myself. There's a new yoga DVD at home that needs my attention instead, and I'm thinking about buying the latest issue of Tricycle and meditating tonight.

It was a pulmonary embolism. The randomness of that diagnosis doesn't quite satisfy my tangibility craving. I want to attend the memorial, but I'm really not sure how I'll do. If I do go, I'll take my own car and stay near the back, where I can escape easily. It could be a small mob scene; her students had a dedication page up on Facebook within hours of hearing. She was loved.

A Heavy Heart and a Running Brain

Thinkingthinkingthinking...

You know, I get that this is how life works. You're given the occasional reminder of mortality, so that you don't take life too much for granted, or too seriously, or something. Just chaps my ass that I have to be reminded when my own life is in a damn holding pattern.

Y'all know that I dislike Florida, can't wait to move, wish it had happened already; but financially it makes the most sense to wait until our lease runs out. It gives the process a timetable and structure. We're able to project and save, plus I'm earning stock options with every month I stay with the company....different options vest on a monthly basis. So I accept October as the move point and work toward it, but I look at my current position and also feel very stuck.

And then a family friend inexplicably goes to Summerland.

This painfully young individual was a close friend of my Lil Sis and a social studies teacher at her high school alma mater. I say inexplicable, because there was no car accident, no lightening strike, no inner city violence, nothing yet to make sense of why this person would so suddenly lose her life. 28 year olds don't just drop dead. Except they do, like that 16-year old who made the news last week for collapsing on the basketball court right after giving his team the game-winning lay-up. And that leaves the rest of us still here on this planet, scratching our heads and asking why.

I seek the tangible; I'm a troubleshooter, a problem solver. Dad's death made no sense to me until I read his hospital file, and then it made perfect sense. You look at the body as a machine...his machine had broken parts that couldn't be fixed. Period. But a 28-year old teacher with no previous known medical conditions...all that brings is rage and WTF! And I find I can't stand performing the mundane tasks of my work, when I could be feeding my chickens, writing my novel, raising a child...

More later...

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Not sure why I chose this pic...except of course, that I wish I had that cabinet, those quilts, and kept things that neat.....someday.....

I think part of the problem is not enough distractions. Granted, I stress kind of easily for a stress junkie; but I think I talk so much about me here because a) I spend too much time inside my own head, and b) we are childless and our comic relief is a cat with squirrel tendencies. Mom blogs are interesting, because there's always someone painting the wall with peanut butter or shoving something up their noses.

There ain't a lot of distraction in our lives right now, unless you count the overflowing apartment as a whole. I get up, putter, go to work, stare at a computer for 8 hours or so, hit the gym, stare at the home computer for a piece, putter, attempt unwinding in front of the TV and discover that I can't because I spent too much time on the computer, and then go to sleep. The only reason I'm sleeping well these days is because my bed is seriously comfortable.

It's a pretty crappy routine, as routines go; needs some action, fulfillment, sense of purpose beyond "getting us the hell out of Florida". And since I know myself enough to know I wouldn't benefit from filling my spare hours with a 2nd job or volunteering at a soup kitchen, perhaps it's time to take a look inward and see what makes my heart and brain smile. I totally believe in giving back to the community, but I also believe my volunteer hours will make more of a difference if I actually give a crap about whatever I'm volunteering for.

Slight digression: One cool thing about Florida is the growing climate; we're in zone 9A. I see a wealth of obstacles preventing me from starting seeds right now, so maybe I'll set aside that idea for later in the summer. No reason it has to occur right now, just because it's Spring; and there's plenty of other things that need my attention. I've barely scratched the surface of the apartment boxes and we just hit the 7-month mark out from the move. Les has been making the effort to help out more around the house, and it's going to help tremendously as we edge closer to October.

This will be a working weekend, and a bliss weekend; we're celebrating 12 years of marriage/puppy love/eternal commitment on Sunday. Funny how "commitment" has so many different meanings, huh? But seriously, it's kind of disgusting, how in love we still are, so I won't slobber all over the screen about it here...

Outside: Rather perfect, 70s during the day, dipping to 40s at night.

Inside: forgot my iPod again, and both the chatty annoyances next to me are working...should be an interesting afternoon, filled with silent visions of unfulfilled bloodshed...

Wearing: navy blue 3/4 sleeve T under fave shirt, a Talbots masterpiece in a gorgeous blue and green paisley; black pants, black flats...feels a little matronly, but I haven't made time yet to grab one more pair of jeans or some dress sneaks for my "summer uniform"...

Reading: Starting Kathy Reichs series over again from the beginning, because I'm bored; dipping into Sharon Astyk's A Nation of Farmers; thinking it's time for another Chamblin's run.....

Creating: Started and then frogged a scarf, ignoring UFOs...should probably grab the striped socks and work them or start another hat with sock yarn.....

Going: to Chart House for anniversary dinner.......I'm in the mood for a good steak, a decent glass of wine, and an evening chatting with my soulmate. Otherwise, turtling, cleaning, watching movies, maybe building a fort.....yes, we're in our sort-of-almost-40s, why do you ask? We don't have kids yet; who else we gonna build a fort with?

Image from here.

But.....we fear change.....

So P'Dubs put a pile of blog links up on her latest Confessions post, and I've been scoping some new (to me) womanly (mostly) wit and wisdom. They're an interesting group, mostly SAHMs who escape through blogging to keep from popping Xanax like candy, enjoying a shot of vodka as a mid-morning snack, or turning their minivans into Mom caves in a fit of individuality expression.

There are some seriously strong, brilliant, and hysterical writers out there. I mean, I consider myself a decent writer, but damn...

It's got me thinking about this blog. As much as I whine about the literal handful of readers I probably have, the truth is that I'd like to give something that brings more people in. I consider myself a writer and with writing comes a substantial ego, that "but I have SOMETHING that's worth hearing.....you MUST listen to me!!" mentality. Finding that niche can prove harder (am I a granola, crafter, knitter, sewer, scrapbooker, farmer, I MUST have a gimmick!!!), as it brings the nagging voice in your head (AKA self-doubt...a rather negative little fellow, so we'll call him Assface) into the foreground, where he proceeds to snort derisively and say truly helpful things like, "yeah, right," and "oh, please!", and "remember you tried that once and it was a disaster of epic proportions.....oh, and by the way, you're fat!" Assface has an excellent memory, the little shit. And I'm a girl child of the '80s, so I never had much self-esteem to begin with.

So I may be reshaping the blog in the coming days/weeks just a bit. I'm seeing two big goals that need attention:

1. Defining what's OK and not OK to write about.
2. Loosening the fuck up!

I have a great sense of humor and a colloquial style that engages, but damned if I don't censor myself, throwing in asterisks when I'm cussing and rewording things like I'm writing a damn essay. This is a byproduct of my "career" as an editor (yes, it's in quotes, because if i'm still doing this incredibly dry job 10 years from now.....GAH!); I've become a professional at shaping the written word and in this information age, I'm probably holding back a bit on the off chance that future employers track down this little release. But I also am a person who has prided herself on embracing her lack of filter (when I'm off my lithium, that is), while keeping it strapped on for blogging; and that's both hypocritical and silly.

Irony is devoting yourself to shedding perfectionism the moment you move out of your parents' house, and 20 years later, realizing you have a successful career as a perfectionist. Sonofabitch.

So while my filter will hopefully be opening up more here, it will also be carefully closing in one or two key areas. There are the occasional times where I vent here and then cringe afterward and thank the gods that my inlaws/husband/Lil Bro don't normally read this sucker. Where I realize if they were to find my blog and troll the archives, they wouldn't necessarily be elated with some of the things I say. And that's NG. My husband is the dearest creature in the world to me, and his ego is quite fragile...I think it comes from being a bear of very pained brain...so our sex life, while never a frequent topic to begin with, doesn't belong here. And the topic of my elder sis-in-law is going totally off-limits, because I simply have nothing nice to say about the situation any more, so it's best I keep my fat flapping mouth shut, light a candle, and give it to the gods.

And I'm going to break out the camera more and play with our new scanner, because snitching Tumblr photos is handy, but a cheat, and I need the photo editing skills for career purposes anyway. Stay tuned!