Tuesday, March 01, 2011

But.....we fear change.....

So P'Dubs put a pile of blog links up on her latest Confessions post, and I've been scoping some new (to me) womanly (mostly) wit and wisdom. They're an interesting group, mostly SAHMs who escape through blogging to keep from popping Xanax like candy, enjoying a shot of vodka as a mid-morning snack, or turning their minivans into Mom caves in a fit of individuality expression.

There are some seriously strong, brilliant, and hysterical writers out there. I mean, I consider myself a decent writer, but damn...

It's got me thinking about this blog. As much as I whine about the literal handful of readers I probably have, the truth is that I'd like to give something that brings more people in. I consider myself a writer and with writing comes a substantial ego, that "but I have SOMETHING that's worth hearing.....you MUST listen to me!!" mentality. Finding that niche can prove harder (am I a granola, crafter, knitter, sewer, scrapbooker, farmer, I MUST have a gimmick!!!), as it brings the nagging voice in your head (AKA self-doubt...a rather negative little fellow, so we'll call him Assface) into the foreground, where he proceeds to snort derisively and say truly helpful things like, "yeah, right," and "oh, please!", and "remember you tried that once and it was a disaster of epic proportions.....oh, and by the way, you're fat!" Assface has an excellent memory, the little shit. And I'm a girl child of the '80s, so I never had much self-esteem to begin with.

So I may be reshaping the blog in the coming days/weeks just a bit. I'm seeing two big goals that need attention:

1. Defining what's OK and not OK to write about.
2. Loosening the fuck up!

I have a great sense of humor and a colloquial style that engages, but damned if I don't censor myself, throwing in asterisks when I'm cussing and rewording things like I'm writing a damn essay. This is a byproduct of my "career" as an editor (yes, it's in quotes, because if i'm still doing this incredibly dry job 10 years from now.....GAH!); I've become a professional at shaping the written word and in this information age, I'm probably holding back a bit on the off chance that future employers track down this little release. But I also am a person who has prided herself on embracing her lack of filter (when I'm off my lithium, that is), while keeping it strapped on for blogging; and that's both hypocritical and silly.

Irony is devoting yourself to shedding perfectionism the moment you move out of your parents' house, and 20 years later, realizing you have a successful career as a perfectionist. Sonofabitch.

So while my filter will hopefully be opening up more here, it will also be carefully closing in one or two key areas. There are the occasional times where I vent here and then cringe afterward and thank the gods that my inlaws/husband/Lil Bro don't normally read this sucker. Where I realize if they were to find my blog and troll the archives, they wouldn't necessarily be elated with some of the things I say. And that's NG. My husband is the dearest creature in the world to me, and his ego is quite fragile...I think it comes from being a bear of very pained brain...so our sex life, while never a frequent topic to begin with, doesn't belong here. And the topic of my elder sis-in-law is going totally off-limits, because I simply have nothing nice to say about the situation any more, so it's best I keep my fat flapping mouth shut, light a candle, and give it to the gods.

And I'm going to break out the camera more and play with our new scanner, because snitching Tumblr photos is handy, but a cheat, and I need the photo editing skills for career purposes anyway. Stay tuned!

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