Happy Friday, y'all!

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

~ John Burroughs

Merry early Lughnassadh to you as well! These are the days of the first harvest, when the bounty starts to come in. Barbara Kingsolver paraphrased a joke by Garrison Keillor in her book Animal Vegetable Miracle, about how if you live in the country, these are the days when you don't leave your car unlocked when you go into church, because you're liable to come out and find zucchini on your front seat. Thinking of hitting the farmer's market tomorrow with $20...I'm starting to have zucchini and tomato dreams : )
I adore the harvest months!

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."

~ George Eliot

And another thing...

When I go a week between blogs, there's bound to be more than just "Taking Stock" rolling around in my head. After reading this post from Unplugged Sunday, it occurred to me that I've been spending my evenings reading lately, because I'm deep into the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson.....and feeling guilty about it.

Why? When did sitting around reading become not enough? When technology started to dictate that you alwaysalwaysalways have to be moving, clicking, texting, keyboard-tapping, doing SOMETHING other than pursuits that used to be perfectly "acceptable"?

People get into the elevator at my work and immediately they look down at their phones and start reading or scrolling. It's like it's no longer acceptable to stare straight ahead and let your mind wander. I find a similar situation at the gym, when I realize I'm one of the few individuals there working out with no book, Nook, or iPod earbuds for distraction. Even the machines have gotten in on the act, with TV sets on most cardio machines and gaming options on top of it. I admit I do play some mah-jong or solitaire to make the time go by faster, but I also people-watch sometimes. It really becomes evident how self-conscious people are at the gym by the looks you get if you happen to accidentally make eye contact with someone. Sad.

Toyota nailed it with their most recent ad campaign for their Venza vehicle: 20-somethings lamenting how out of touch their parents are, when in fact the parents have much more active and interesting things going on than the 20-somethings do. And I totally get the message, and then spend my evening on the computer when I just spent 8 hours on the damn thing at work. Why? What am I afraid of? What are we afraid of happening if we shut down a little and perform more old-fashioned pursuits? I dream of sewing, of finishing the dozen or so knitting projects that are squirreled away in corners in the bedroom, of plotting the rewrite of my book. That last one could require the computer, but it doesn't have to, initially...which brings to mind the question of why longhand writing is now fading completely from even some elementary curricula (referencing that Indiana school board decision to eliminate teaching cursive...that blows my mind!). Why must everything be performed faster now? Do we not see the rewards in slowing down, allowing things to evolve more naturally, more organically...?

Plenty of bloggers out there have nailed it and are living my dream...so what stops me? I'm learning the how-to from these wonderful ladies, but something is holding me back; and I can only blame it on the apartment, living in Florida, etc. a little while longer, because I'm finally in a position where I think we can make this move happen. So what happens when I start realizing my dreams and I'm still in the same rut? Not that that has to happen, but I think it's important to recognize the possibility so I can keep my dreams on an even keel, remember that NC isn't the only answer, starting a garden isn't the only answer, losing weight isn't the only answer...

Taking Stock

Where the hell's July going?

It's a busy summer. Long, boring work days and trips to SC conspire to suck time away from me. This last trip was a blast, sans friction, and we enjoyed a huge dose of summer fun on Sunday at the niece's 5th birthday party; but it takes DH and I a full 24 hours to decompress afterwards. We've definitely become used to our particular lifestyle.

Luckily, my back's feeling better. Strained it low, probably from one too many turns as a human jungle gym for the 5-year old. Been taking it easy, and it feels almost OK today, so I'll skip the Y one more day and hopefully find the energy to do some easy yoga after work.

Outside: overcast...high 80s/low 90s this week with rain. The mid-Atlantic coast is getting more heat than Florida right now. The world's upside down.

Inside: snore...realizing that the idea of staffing agency in NC may be appealing to me because I'm so bored out of my skull at work...

Wearing: probably same thing as last week, I should check...

Reading: Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. I will own the complete Millennium trilogy. Excellent books.

Creating: an iPod case in black Wool Ease (pattern in my head) and pondering frogging the blasted Candleflame scarf, because I apparently have a mental block with that pattern that's insurmountable until I rewrite the damn thing myself.

Going: nowhere...planning trips to NC for August, saving gas because money's so tight.

Hoping: too large a topic...

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Last weekend was a wash, but I'm OK with it, especially once I realized that I'd spent the entire weekend thinking it was a weekend earlier. No clue how that happened, but I got to work on Monday and my brain was like, whaddaya mean it's the 18th?! Thought it was the 11th! Doesn't mean much, except that we're going to SC this coming weekend now (instead of way out on the 22nd...), so brain shift/planning needed to occur. Am I so in denial of how this move is creeping up on us that I actually rewound a week?

The economy has hiring at a bit of a standstill, I think. People are looking at our national financial sitch, placing ads for new help, and then thinking to themselves, wee-ell, not quite yet...I haven't paid enough attention to Congress's current budget work, because until compromise occurs, it's just two large groups of mostly white men arguing with each other and not thinking enough about their constituents. But it's the only explanation that makes sense, because I've even applied for jobs for web editor (hello! exactly what I do now!) and received zero response. I have 2 staffing agencies in mind when we go up in August, and 4 other names of agencies in the hopper; because the only way this is working is if I find work (and our credit passes the sniff test of whatever property management/landlord we are able to sweet-talk). This is also why I'm going to the bank soon, to see if I can get a bit of financial advice and a credit score. I know you can fetch it up yourself online, but I couldn't get the magical FICO number out of them last time, and since that's what the renters are looking at...

Outside: apparently steamy again, so I haven't been out since the drive to work.

Inside: frigid...took my hair down earlier to warm up my friggin' ears...

Wearing: beige capris, blouse, sandals...originally had darker colors planned, until I turned on the Weather Channel this morning...

Reading: Girl Who Played with Fire...just as in-depth and exciting as the first novel. Also thinking of unearthing the box of pagan books, because Starhawk and T. Thorn Coyle are whispering to my psyche again...

Creating: short row scarf and digging thru UFOs, row here, row there...hoping to start Leaf Lace Shawl, if I can acquire the needles before the weekend...feels so good to be knitting again!

Going: SC this weekend! Niece's 5th b'day, Dad's 3rd chemo. I'm glad for the trip; DH has been in a slump of late. I think he's depressed because he'd love to be there, doing more, but it's barely feasible, given how the house is normally run/number of people who live there. He's scared for his dad, naturally, and wishes we lived closer already.

Hoping: Dad continues to rally and the niece isn't too hyper this weekend. That I get a chance to walk while I'm there. That I spend lots of time outdoors. That the rally that's occuring food and exercise-wise within me continues.

Image from here.

Friday

That's about where I'm at today. Hormones have been smacking me about physically, and I need to make some to-do lists for the weekend; because the urge to spend it reading and knitting is kind of palpable right now...just checked Girl Who Played with Fire out of the library and I've been tucking back into knitting in the evenings. It's nice, has me turning off, slowing down a bit. Happy Friday, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

I like this one. Again, idyllic as hell, but it's where I need my brain to be as I process the emotions of the week.

The relief I'm experiencing (over not being pregnant) tells me widescreen that now is not the time yet; but my legitimate concern over my age keeps me thinking that there is no wrong time anymore. Don't get me wrong, I SO want to have a child, but we're 3½ months away from (hopefullypleasegod) moving out of state, and I'm pretty sure that job and house hunting while knocked up would cause my brain to short-circuit. I mean, you'd literally be able to hear the "poof!" from wherever you are right now.....Yet as much as I think about delaying until after the move (and may still), there's always that fear that we've already waited too long. Just because I'm still cycling regularly doesn't mean I'm firing on all cylinders down there. Then again, if that's the case, I won't know it either way, so I need to shelve that fear and move forward. Wow...think I just worked that out as I was writing it...

Outside: steamy

Inside: mind-numbing...serious lack of work...

Wearing: fave shirt, black pants, black flats...hasn't been a sandals week for some reason.

Reading: Jane Eyre, of all things...want to start Girl Who Played with Fire, need to figure out if I'm going to grab it at the library or be greedy and buy it...

Creating: working short-row scarf, SnB baby blanket, plain vanilla sock, and just started Candleflame scarf ala KnitPicks in some ancient, but beautiful Shimmer...definitely some fresh knitting mojo going on here...thinking the book will have to wait, because I also want to purchase needles to start the Leaf Lace shawl in some ancient, but gorgeous Shadow...it's been ages since I've worked in laceweight, and the concentration it requires is calming right now...

Going: Home Depot for more boxes; otherwise, sticking to home. SC trip next weekend or the weekend after...NC trip planned top of August.

Hoping: eh, too many to list here...the biggies include getting something that resembles a nibble from the NC job market and that Lil Sis has a safe and stress-free trip back from Singapore on Sunday...

Image from here.

Pensive

Worse...hormonally pensive. I'm curled in on myself and don't want to be bothered until my brain has sorted some stuff out first. I'm thinking hardhardhard on what's holding me back from my dreams, why it's taken so long for me to even get to this point, why I've let so much time go by...everything from why we don't have children to why I haven't published yet is on the table, and I'm trying hard to look myself square in the eye.

The reality of this latest missed attempt isn't as crushing as I thought it would be, but there is this keening going on in my soul. "Have we waited too long?" screams through my head, thick with silent tears...

What is it about we humans that makes us take life for granted, this one life that we have...I thought I'd gotten the message 4 years ago, when my earth was shaken to its core, but the complacency slowly oozed its way back in and here we are, not really any closer to accomplishing anything...

My sister is in Bali as I write this. She planned this trip to Singapore and Bali to visit a dear friend, not thinking at all, I think, about how very far outside her comfort zone the trip would be. Since Dad, she's built quite a few walls around herself; they are there to maintain the appearance of control in her life. Conversely, my walls kind of fell down when Dad passed, because it illustrated widescreen to me how life is what happens while we're making other plans. So I'm crazy proud of her for going, and wondering if it'll help her unclench a little. And I look at her and wonder how it is that my lack of fear doesn't help me move forward at all...

I want to pound out my hurt on the elliptical, was planning that very thing after work...but I think what I need instead is yoga at home, the fluid movement of poses and centering of mind.

Image from here.

YAR

Yet another rally...and a post just to push down the previous one...

Don't know anything yet, but I need to get a grip. Got some packing accomplished yesterday, today will be errands and a bit of organizing. Focus on job hunt, let nature do its thing. Easy to say...

Random note: Nescafe is a surprisingly adequate alternative when you're out of Starbucks...no contest to the real deal, of course, but I expected it to taste like freeze-dried ass, and it's actually not bad.

OK, stuff to do...

Image from here.

A minor bout of small person hysteria...

Just need to verbally spew for a minute here, gang...feel free to ignore my possibly (hopefully!!!) hormonal ravings.

If there's one point in a woman's life when they're at their most irrational, it's the 2+ weeks between attempting to conceive a small human and peeing on the stick.

We haven't tried in almost a year. Time slips away, and Husby's libido/headache sitch hasn't changed. It is what it is. But Dad J being diagnosed with cancer jump-started something (woohoo!) and we started trying again. This is quite the sweet relief, not just for the indoor sports it requires, but also because my next birthday looms and I ache with the concern that we've waited too long.

So immediately following the act comes the internal conversations. I mean, literally inside the woman's head. They go something like this:

"Please gods, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..."
"Man, I want this too much, there's no way..."
"Can't think that way...no one would ever get pregnant if wanting to played a role..."
"Yea, but I shouldn't get my hopes up yet..."
"Yea, I know, already too late..."
"Man, I'm going to be so damned bummed when I get my period..."
"No, cut that out, that's defeatist thinking, doesn't do anyone any good..."
"Then again, if it's happening, it's already happening and my thinking isn't actually going to change anything, negative or positive..."
"Yea, but still..."
"Plus if you believe in positive thinking, the little critter needs plenty of it right now. It's going up against PCOS, a serious weight problem, sperm that swim in circles, and my damn age..."
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...I want this so damn much..."

Repeat several times daily. Add the fact that I'm not experiencing actual PMS-y mood swings or water retention yet, and my brain sets off on another extreme...that my period's going to come late and taunt me into thinking I'm PG and then crush me.

My analytical brain can't shut the hell up. I do think I've gained weight in my boobs, but I've also been eating garbage lately with a side of garbage, so it could certainly be that too. Today I'm enjoying an all-over body fatigue that's giving me new hope....while also looking forward to the extra week I should wait before I even think about buying a test, because I'm often a little over a 30-day cycle. I've stopped going to the Y, because while I know I need to be in my best possible shape to pull this off, I'm also terrified of doing anything to keep the little sucker from sticking initially. Just give me a couple of more days...I'll do some yoga in the meantime, promise.

Any prayers, positive energy appreciated. Geez, I'm a case.

Taking Stock

Had the afternoon off yesterday, which is probably a sign of how much blogging occurs at work. ::gulp!:: Good thing my readership is so low...at least, I think it is....

Outside: Overcast and humid.

Inside: a little annoying being here...may see if they're still looking for people to escape. Work is desperately low right now; makes me very glad they appreciate my tenure/skills. Yes, I do have them!

Wearing: best slacks on the planet (seriously...I need every color), purple/green striped blouse, sandals...emerald green toe polish. Oh yea, you know you're jealous.

Reading: Finishing Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, looking forward to the next one...

Creating: Getting the itch once again. This weekend will be spent, among other things, starting a lacey-fun scarf, trolling the stash, and tucking into UFOs.

Going: nowhere hopefully...with paychecks back to normal, can barely afford gas. Keeps us home, which ain't bad right now. Bought small boxes last week, going to buy some mediums too and get packing!

Planning: because these things need to happen, not just me hoping that they will happen.....creating to-do lists and spreadsheets for the move, analyzing neighborhoods and staffing agencies, writing STUFF down!

Image from here.

Patriotism

Wasn't feeling it this year. Don't get me wrong; I can't imagine living anywhere else than America (well, except maybe Canada, but they'd have to do something about all that snow first...). We've got our freedoms, which are good, and I certainly appreciate the men and women who are serving our country, keeping those freedoms intact. I tend to have a problem with us forcing our way on other countries, but if it keeps the terrorism and violence of the world to a dull roar, then there must be some good in it.

I watched a bit of the July 4th shows on TV last night, found Josh Groban's time on Capitol Fourth to be ho-hum, but nice...missed the Boston Pops this year, because I just didn't have the attention span toward the end of the night. Besides, I grew up in New England, where it was on every year on the local channels and then some, and you can only see fireworks set to JP Sousa so many times before you want to strangle someone in 4/4 time...

But it gets you thinking about patriotism, this holiday. And there are plenty of ways to believe in it without showing it. I've also never liked our national anthem, think that is one poem that never should have been set to song, but that doesn't stop me from tearing up on Memorial and Veteran's Day, when it's played right. And my favorite black & white flick is Yankee Doodle Dandy, so maybe I'm just more Broadway than Constitutional Convention...whatever the hell that means.

But I think a large part of it this year is just location. Our porch is so tiny, there's no point sitting out on it. And that's what I wanted to be able to do last night, as my neighbors grilled and thoroughly ignored the fact that fireworks are illegal in Florida. When we get a house, I hope I can have an area for chairs out back (or front) where I can sit with my mason jar of sweet tea and watch the fireflies come up in the summer evenings. I know that's idyllic, but it's also doable. And we're so close to that, to renting a house hopefully, something with washer/dryer connections and a monthly payment that doesn't kill us, but does also allow us to live in a neighborhood where I don't have to wonder if the fireworks sounds on the 4th are just that, or the gunshots of folks taking advantage of a night where those noises blend together.

July means we have until the end of next month to let our complex know that we're moving. That realization occurred sometime this weekend. I'm researching neighborhoods and planning a trip up there, and thinking hard about starting with an agency for work. It makes the future a little shakier, but I just can't take "no" for an answer anymore where this move is concerned. It's something I've talked about for 10 years, on and off, the desire to get the hell out of Florida. I won't let fear stop us this time.

Image from here.

Random Thoughts

Have I used this one already? I dig natural paths, if you hadn't noticed yet...they're full of promise, hope, expectations, n' stuff...

Thinking I'd like to wear skirts more...also thinking that that thought is a phase derived from the plain living websites/blogs I've been reading, coupled with a desire to not look like such a big ole tomboy in my sandals...

"I felt all wool and a yard wide, and like I should be running around with a hockey stick instead of dancing."
Paraphrased from Fifteen by Beverly Cleary. The shit that stays in my head is just nutty...

So, if you look at another person's life and think it's pretty damn neat, that they're living a life that you really wouldn't mind living yourself, and you're willing to put forth the effort to make it happen in your own way, then doesn't it make sense to stop fucking whining about it and do something about it instead?!?!

This personal frustration brought to you by my apparent inability to get anyone in NC to look twice at my resume...we return you now to your regularly scheduled venting.

I love how drinking water makes me feel, but it's boring as dog snot and the exercise I get running to the john 14 times in a work day almost doesn't make it worth it. And no, I'm not a fan of seltzer. Or lemon.

Thinking seriously of going on a cleanse...but given I'll only have my 3 days off to ease into it, it's gonna be a modification of the current cleanses that got all the press around New Years...like Clean, but for a week instead of a month. I was really uncomfortably bloated yesterday (think it was a yeast reaction without the blinding headache that usually accompanies it, which worries me because that's usually my litmus test for when I'm overdoing it in that department), and I'm just sick of feeling like the crap I'm shoveling in...

Never mind that we're still trying for small people, and I can't imagine how my knees will feel if I gain any more weight...and that my cardiologist is expecting a weight loss when he sees me in September...I mean seriously, how many factors do I need before I start treating me right?

Enough of that bullshit...we're still on the fence as to whether or not we're going up to SC for the holiday. His dad's improving, and our presence there seems to disrupt more than it helps. But if Mom and Dad need Les for support in some ways (like driving...Mom J's the only one with a license up there), then he may go up himself on the train. I'd love to grab a day trip up to see Mom and Lil Sis while I'm there, if we go, but I'm also in the mindset of "we'll be there soon enough, so it's OK if I neglect them a bit right now"...crossing fingers and toes that that remains the case. I've received zero nibbles from all the job apps I've put in, and am thinking seriously of hiring myself out to one of those personnel agencies to get my damn foot in the door somewhere...

Image from here.

Taking Stock



How the hell is it Wednesday already?

Outside: summer in Florida

Inside: ever see Office Space?

Wearing: jeans, sandals, yellow T with striped overshirt to combat AC...

Reading: Girl w/Dragon Tattoo and the King James Bible (yes, i'm going through a phase, why do you ask?).

Creating: Short-row scarf (Lion brand pattern), plain vanilla sock ala Yarn Harlot, and Cozy all getting attention this week.

Going: maybe to SC this weekend, hoping for an escape trip to NC while I'm at it...

Hoping: Dad J continues to improve, I can find more time to hunt, and I can manage to maintain compassion for certain family members who don't deserve it. I guess continuing to believe they don't deserve it doesn't exactly push me in the right direction, huh?

Image from here.

Unplugged Sunday

Brainchild of Heather & Co. at beautythatmoves.

 

I've wanted to do this for so dang long. Apparently I need the motivation of gorgeous pics of my old stomping grounds. That beauty comes courtesy of the Unplugged Sunday blog, and it's Connecticut in a nutshell for me. Literally takes my breath away. The hilarious thing is I barely made it outside yesterday. Hard to spend time outdoors in Florida from June to September without spontaneously combusting.

My internal alarm woke me up at 7AM on Sunday, but rather than check to see if the L&O rerun on TNT was worth watching, I rolled over and went back to sleep until 9. Got up and puttered, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee and breakfast, and read for a bit. Been going thru another library phase...Bob Greene's Diabetic Best Life book is decent, has lots more information, but I'm glad I held off buying it, because I think I can make do with his standard Best Life book, and I need to quit spending on a whim. Those days are over. They just hired another editor, and OT is safely in the past for now. That hurts like hell and is motivating me further toward getting nibbles from my NC job hunting.

Got changed and went to the Y. God, I needed that. Did too much for my first day back (7 miles total), naturally, but it was so necessary. I've been gaining again, and having your clothes not quite fit in the heat of summer really sucks.

Me in all my post-Y, summer-splotchy-faced glory...eesh!

Got home, puttered some more. Been thinking of Goodwilling a bunch of purses, and digging out some interview clothes to place on my hanging rack in the bedroom closet (so I'm not frantically tearing through boxes when someone finally does answer my apps)...so I pulled out the rack and reorganized a bit. Which led to reorganizing my shoes as well, sorting the laundry, etc.

Believe it or not, that mess is an improvement!

Had lunch and read some more, until I felt my attention flagging and grabbed a nap. Felt luxurious, and somehow different, more relaxed, because I was napping to rest my body after that workout, not because my brain was overstimulated from technology. The thunderstorms woke me frequently, but I awoke feeling rested.

Puttered some more, treaded water a bit, because we had dinner planned, but it was becoming obvious that Husby was finally catching up on sleep as well...he hasn't been sleeping great the last couple of days/nights, since his Dad was back in the hospital. So I let him sleep, and gathered the recycling, which took several trips down to the car, because my bod wasn't letting me carry too much at one time, after that workout. Went and dropped the recycling, swung by McDonald's and confirmed the dangerous precedent that more and more local McD's are offering the chocolate chip cookies I crave (thereby negating some of that Y workout, I know...), and then went home. Fixed myself dinner, mentally looked at the small projects I'd completed and declared the day a success, and hopped on the computer just for a quick update. Maybe next week, I'll do all day. For my first time, wasn't necessary.

Crappy phone pic of Sally Hansen Gunmetal tootsies...pls ignore gigantic looking legs...I swear it's the angle!
 

The current crazy book piles

The rest of the evening was me time...repainted fingers and toes, watched a bit of tube (if you really want to make yourself feel old, check out Season 1 of Fame on the Ovation channel...Lori Singer! Bruno! Doris!...very weird...), read some more, and even picked up my knitting. I have this super-boring project on the needles that I'm mainly doing to use some old Encore, but glancing at Harlot's Knitting Rules in the same crazy pile/area has me thinking of picking up socks again too.

Taking Stock

I know I need to get to the Y. But my priorities are shifting as June slips away from us. Applied for 6 more jobs last night, which was more time spent on the computer after work; and I'm going to start reading Dad J's MBA textbooks just for funsies. Yea, I know I'm weird.

Outside: See photo: http://www.independentmail.com/photos/2011/jun/09/94270/. I'm so bummed, tried to upload the dang thing, but either Blogger's being a douche, or those buttholes figured out a way to deter copying without disabling right-click...lame...

Inside: chilly and not holding my interest well.

Wearing: favorite paisley shirt, beige slacks, blue Birk wannabes.

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life for Diabetes, Home to Holly Springs, Understanding Business.

Creating: Lists...and sample articles for a particular job opp.

Going: hopefully NOWHERE! Need a weekend home to cart off the recycling and break down this place more...

Hoping: Dad J. continues to rally, and ANYBODY answers my applications...

The Smoky Tropics

Can't find a decent picture online or with my crappy cell phone that adequately illustrates the insanity here in NE Florida...I've lived in Florida for 25 years now, and this is the worst wildfire season in my memory. A bunch of new ones sparked in southern St. Johns County today, and combined with the continued GA fires (that took the lives of 2 forest rangers over the weekend) and a wind shift, it ain't fit for man nor beast out there.

The weekend...kind of lousy, kind of OK, kind of exhausting. Great to see Husby, and got to bring him home for now. He's expecting to go back soon; I'm figuring July 4th weekend. The family's working with quite a bit of denial. Some members are irrational for other reasons. I feel like a bystander, and hold my tongue even more than usual. I'm glad to be home. Tired today. Hiked Hitchcock Woods on Sunday, got thoroughly lost more than once. Body still complaining a bit, but feels good.

This week, back on the job hunting trail, hopefully some Y work. Not tonight. Gonna make some kind of real meal for dinner and putter. Still decompressing. There are several members of that family that need come-to-Jesus talks, and I have some orneryness to work out regarding that.

Finally Friday

A couple of years back, Les left me for about 3 weeks to help his folks move into their new house. I barely remember it, because nothing out of the ordinary occurred...we'd talk on the phone, I'd go to work, come home, putter. Maybe this visit is different, because there was so much stress attached...the not-knowing if Dad J. was dying or not, and not being able to be there for Les physically while the worst was going on. I empathized heavily since I've already seen that part of the movie, so to speak.

This week, I was a mess. Ate garbage, couldn't get motivated. Granted, there was enough going on where it wasn't even realistic to look for NC work or give the apartment a serious cleaning, but with the exception of a few moments of clarity, I've been pretty useless...which is naturally, going to make me super-busy tonight as I prep to go up to SC again, and it wreaked havoc on my waistline too. I have 3 months to pull up my cholesterol/bad fat #s or else my cardiologist is going to want to put me on a cholesterol med. I've reached a point where family crises are no longer an excuse for bad living. Nothing's an excuse anymore. : (

Dad's home, mainly resting and getting used to managing his pain. I'll go up tomorrow morning and stay til Monday, hopefully bringing Les home with me for now. Looks like we'll have plenty of reasons to visit this summer though, which is fine with me, as we really need to start scoping NC for potential living areas. Hoping for a pinch of "me" time, even if it's distracted by the niece, so I can research and brainstorm for some articles I'm writing, and maybe I'll hit Hitchcock Woods in the early morning one day.

Image from here.

Rays of hope

Pretty, isn't it? I dream of a 2nd room in a house, that works as an office and guest room. I'd love a daybed for lounging, with lots of handmade pillows...

Yesterday was the worst yet, hence my truncated stock taking. The news was bad, and it was forcing a mindset that brought back memories of 2007. I'm able to process bad information quite easily now, put it into categories in my head, but it still makes for a very black mood.

Yesterday, my FIL's cancer was given a name, and his liver was failing. They blasted his body with a chemo cocktail, and we all prayed. I've watched organs fail, so there are still questions in my head (about the toxins that are still floating around in his body thanks to the liver failing), but the upshot is that we've been given a quick reprieve. His numbers improved significantly in 24 hours, and he was sent home today. He's not being sent home to die; he's being sent home to continue living. They may dose him again next week, or they'll revisit his chemo regimen in 3 weeks. My thanks to everyone who lit a candle physically or in their heads for Les Jr., because someone's listening out there...

The family drama continues on other fronts...there's one family member who I think hasn't fully grasped at all the gravity of the situation, but there's probably not a whole lot of sense in trying to illuminate her. She and her cohort don't think or act rationally, and some fights aren't worth the effort.

I was adrift yesterday, trying to be strong, but exhaustion took hold and I napped as soon as I got home from work. It was just what I needed; I woke up semi-refreshed, and was able to putter with a clearer head. Then around 10 p.m., TV wasn't cutting it, so I went to the kitchen and knocked out the rest of the dishes. It's mind-blowing how such a simple thing puts me in the right place.

I'll head to SC early Saturday morning to visit and help out. Hoping to bring Les home for now, but it's in the maybe column. The difficult family member resents vehemently his being there, so it may be better for family tranquility if he comes back home, but we'll see...he's there for Mom and Dad, not for her, so she can get the hell over it as far as we're concerned. I ache to smack sense into her, but know that wouldn't do any good either...

Saw a good quote today, the gist of it being that the only thing that makes something a part of your life is your willingness to continue thinking about it. An excellent reminder that things that are beyond your control don't deserve your attention. Life's so damn short.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Outside: thick smoke from the GA/FL wildfires

Inside: cool...slightly unreal...that feeling of wonderment that life keeps on going in the face of tragedy.

Wearing: jeans, sandals, yellow T

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life for diabetics...not there yet, but if I don't change my ways, I will be.

Creating: n/a

Going: back to SC this weekend. Dad J's been diagnosed. I ache with what Les's family is about to face. I pray ...

Hoping..........

Displaced

Actually, I'm not the one displaced. My dad-in-law is, and my husband. Dad's been in the hospital since Friday, will probably be there til at least Wednesday. DH is still up in SC, helping support Mom and lend a hand driving where necessary.

Totally frickin' weird not having him in town. He's just always here, this presence. Since he doesn't work, he's always home when I get home. There are evenings when his head kicks his butt enough where he mostly sleeps, but at least he's here. I'm not whining. It's just weird.

I don't know how the weekend was....it's hard to formulate words. Every test, it seems, they find a little more bad news. And the test results are interminably slow to come back, even though they're running at normal pace. So we sit in a holding pattern, while Dad's in pain. I'm basically numb to it still. It's not denial. Heh, that's classic. What I mean is I've already been through the worst, the searing, breathless rage of losing a parent, so I'm able to be strong for Les. Thank gods, because we could have a long road ahead. Dad's OK for now, gaining strength, and they're managing his pain and running more tests.

I'll keep busy, hunting, cleaning, and I hope to hit the Y tomorrow or Wednesday. All prayers welcome.

Image from here.