Pensive

Worse...hormonally pensive. I'm curled in on myself and don't want to be bothered until my brain has sorted some stuff out first. I'm thinking hardhardhard on what's holding me back from my dreams, why it's taken so long for me to even get to this point, why I've let so much time go by...everything from why we don't have children to why I haven't published yet is on the table, and I'm trying hard to look myself square in the eye.

The reality of this latest missed attempt isn't as crushing as I thought it would be, but there is this keening going on in my soul. "Have we waited too long?" screams through my head, thick with silent tears...

What is it about we humans that makes us take life for granted, this one life that we have...I thought I'd gotten the message 4 years ago, when my earth was shaken to its core, but the complacency slowly oozed its way back in and here we are, not really any closer to accomplishing anything...

My sister is in Bali as I write this. She planned this trip to Singapore and Bali to visit a dear friend, not thinking at all, I think, about how very far outside her comfort zone the trip would be. Since Dad, she's built quite a few walls around herself; they are there to maintain the appearance of control in her life. Conversely, my walls kind of fell down when Dad passed, because it illustrated widescreen to me how life is what happens while we're making other plans. So I'm crazy proud of her for going, and wondering if it'll help her unclench a little. And I look at her and wonder how it is that my lack of fear doesn't help me move forward at all...

I want to pound out my hurt on the elliptical, was planning that very thing after work...but I think what I need instead is yoga at home, the fluid movement of poses and centering of mind.

Image from here.