Thursday, July 07, 2011

A minor bout of small person hysteria...

Just need to verbally spew for a minute here, gang...feel free to ignore my possibly (hopefully!!!) hormonal ravings.

If there's one point in a woman's life when they're at their most irrational, it's the 2+ weeks between attempting to conceive a small human and peeing on the stick.

We haven't tried in almost a year. Time slips away, and Husby's libido/headache sitch hasn't changed. It is what it is. But Dad J being diagnosed with cancer jump-started something (woohoo!) and we started trying again. This is quite the sweet relief, not just for the indoor sports it requires, but also because my next birthday looms and I ache with the concern that we've waited too long.

So immediately following the act comes the internal conversations. I mean, literally inside the woman's head. They go something like this:

"Please gods, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..."
"Man, I want this too much, there's no way..."
"Can't think that one would ever get pregnant if wanting to played a role..."
"Yea, but I shouldn't get my hopes up yet..."
"Yea, I know, already too late..."
"Man, I'm going to be so damned bummed when I get my period..."
"No, cut that out, that's defeatist thinking, doesn't do anyone any good..."
"Then again, if it's happening, it's already happening and my thinking isn't actually going to change anything, negative or positive..."

"Yea, but still..."
"Plus if you believe in positive thinking, the little critter needs plenty of it right now. It's going up against PCOS, a serious weight problem, sperm that swim in circles, and my damn age..."
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...I want this so damn much..."

Repeat several times daily. Add the fact that I'm not experiencing actual PMS-y mood swings or water retention yet, and my brain sets off on another extreme...that my period's going to come late and taunt me into thinking I'm PG and then crush me.

My analytical brain can't shut the hell up. I do think I've gained weight in my boobs, but I've also been eating garbage lately with a side of garbage, so it could certainly be that too. Today I'm enjoying an all-over body fatigue that's giving me new hope....while also looking forward to the extra week I should wait before I even think about buying a test, because I'm often a little over a 30-day cycle. I've stopped going to the Y, because while I know I need to be in my best possible shape to pull this off, I'm also terrified of doing anything to keep the little sucker from sticking initially. Just give me a couple of more days...I'll do some yoga in the meantime, promise.

Any prayers, positive energy appreciated. Geez, I'm a case.

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