First off, I hacked apart yesterday's post and stuck most of it in my personal, not-for-public-consumption blog. Why bore you guys with that stuff? My posts are too damn long sometimes.
I've treated this blog like a diary for years. It's finally starting to bore me. Blogs are supposed to be informative, a person's way of giving something to strangers...that something could be a warm fuzzy through imagery or words, but it shouldn't be a place for therapy necessarily. I'm over it.
Ironically, I'm over it because of that last post. The "ah-ha" moments I gleaned from my talking about Dad's situation have me thinking hard about how I want to live my life. Yup, you guessed it...epiphany time again.
One of the little voices in my head has this number on auto-repeat: "are you living life, or are you letting life live you?"
It's been the latter for the last 10 years. More than that, really, but let's say 10 years. I'm depressed enough.
I read an article in Taproot this morning about a 23-year-old who's working on an organic farm in Ontario. She's learning the ropes and hopes to have her own farm someday. As co-manager of this farm's CSA, she's in the thick of it from early morning to late night, tending animals and gardens and creating food and life. (Another really good example of this is longest acres. And of course, Jenna and Ashley.)
I don't know that I want to run a large farm. I do know that I want to grow things, and keep chickens and bees at least. I also know that living in a crappy apartment in the city, I could still have at least started composting on my porch and planting in containers, but something was always stopping me. And I'm really, REALLY over my excuses.
Schirin is 20 years younger than me. She doesn't have youth on her side; she has courage. I chuckled to myself on the drive to work this morning as I thought about this...my brain answered back, "well, you're just gonna have to live to be 120 now..." It's not about how realistic or unrealistic your goals are; it's about turning them from dreams into reality.
I can't fault my blinders the last 10+ years where unanswered dreams are concerned, because I have brought home the bacon and established myself as a career editor. That's important for our family, keeps the wolves at bay. But it is SO time to get my hands in the dirt!