Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Potential (and Autumn)

September. I've lived in Florida too long. Doesn't feel like autumn yet, because down here it isn't and won't be for quite some time yet. While I am starting to ache for it, the fact is that when I read blogs of folks who live in the north and are starting to enjoy cooler temps in the mornings and evenings, I have trouble believing them. It feels so damn far away. Straight 90s forecast for every day this week. I live in fucking paradise.

Far away and yet so close. Dealt with some more fear issues about the move, when I put in my first application for a job in Asheville yesterday. I won't get it, not if it's a choice between me and some recent college grad with a computer science degree, but I'm glad I applied nonetheless....because it cracked open that fear and forced me to look at it. That's also what I mean when I say I've lived in Florida too long, because no matter how much I loathe it, there's a familiarity to it that's comforting. We've lived in Jacksonville for 15 years, and I've been in Florida for 26! I hate this state with every fiber of my being, and I'm getting scared to leave it. That's fucked up!

I'll get over that nonsense fast, believe me, but it's important I recognize it for what it is, because we're definitely coming into the home stretch here and I WILL NOT be signing another lease in Florida come December.

Was reiterating to my cutie pie on the couch, how I "can't" look for work up there yet, because if we leave Florida early, we have to pay 2 months' rent to break the lease...and Hubs pointed out that if I were to start a new job, say, Halloweenish, there would only be 2 months left on the lease anyway, so it's kind of a wash. Prayers welcome that we'll be in a financial position to make that gamble if the opportunity presents itself...

The subject header is something that's percolating in my head. I've spent the last 10 years or so treading water (we're talking dreams here, what I want to do with my life, the big furry questions, blahblah...), because it was my only choice given the Hubs' condition. I don't resent that in the least; we're so soul-linked...people used to question my sanity, I think, but I just chalked it up to them not understanding our love.

But I had not 1, but 2 dreams with Ashley in them this past weekend, where I was admiring her garden or learning something new in her kitchen, and seeing what she's accomplished (5 books, the drive and ability to work from home), and I woke with this voice in my head saying, "you're not living up to your full potential."

Now that's something I've heard from about grade 5 on, that I felt bad about but pretty much ignored, as I goofed off out of boredom in middle and high school making mediocre grades, only to then go to college without enough study and coping skills to pull off decent grades there either. I've studied enough post-college to understand how little grades mean in the face of actual learning, but it still sticks in my craw, or something, as I look at the last 20 years and reflect on how much time I've pissed away.

Yea, I've got a birthday coming up...what of it? Oh, you think there's a correlation there....?

That same voice, the little Jiminy Cricket motherfucker, also says stuff like, "what happened to getting published before you were 30?" And my answer today is something even more distressing: "well, I don't know what I want to write about!" For all my skills as a writer, I've never been much of a storyteller, and I'm not quite enough of a people person to normally want to expand on that issue. But I recently increased my Paxil to the max (under my doctor's direction), and I think it's giving me some much-needed clarity. Distressing, as I said, but also illuminating, and worthy of further study. Stay tuned...

Image from here.

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