Monday, April 16, 2012

Mental Monday Musings

I'm calm today. Those look good, may have to make them this week.

The weekend was interesting. I plowed through the rest of the Hunger Games trilogy, reading them so fast I know I missed stuff, but the plot is such that you want to know what's going to happen like, right! friggin'! now! I want to reread them now, more thoroughly, but I need a break first. They're damn difficult to read, for someone like me, who's no longer quite so desensitized to death. I'd revisit similar scenarios in my dreams at night. Though, might be a blessing in disguise, because I came to a decision this weekend too. Been listening to my body, my mind, the way I'm coping with life and OT and stuff...and I'm going to the doc this week to talk about going back on the lithium for awhile.

Very difficult decision. I'm certainly not giving up on having kids, not yet. But the truth of it is that we're going to need to save (for IVF) in order to really try probably, and that's not happening in the near future. The move is first, and before that, repairing credit and buying a decent pair of sneakers and unforeseen car issues (more on that in a sec)...and I will handle things a lot better if I give my brain a break. If some miracle were to happen while I was on the stuff, all we could do is cold turkey and pray. I'm OK with that, because the alternative right now is no longer getting the job done.

Not getting the promotion earlier this year was eye-opening. It showed me that, while I may not mind (myself) the personality quirks that come to the surface as a result of no natural lithium, I don't like the feeling that those quirks could hold me back from jobs I'm otherwise entirely able to do (there's a whole sub-conversation there, about how I'm happier as a drone than as a manager, so why am I letting this bother me, but that's too woolly a topic to get into here...). Turns out, I do give a small crap about how others see me. That whole not-getting-the-promotion thing left me feeling like, "I know I'm unspooled, but I hate that you see that I'm unspooled, because while that is certainly me, it's short-sighted to think it would hold me back enough to not be a viable choice for harder you're douchebags and I'm not changing for you, but wait, maybe I do need a change..."

Yea, that's a long one...I think too much. And a part of me still doesn't give enough of a crap about what others think, because I'm never going to be one of those who can buy into the corporate culture enough to be a suit. I'm too liberal, life's too short, would rather be writing and running my little farm than creating websites selling crap that people don't need...but I like to eat and keep a roof over my head, so I'll maintain my worker bee status for that.

So Husby woke up chipper on Saturday (we switch personalities occasionally), and he was determined to get us out of the house, even for a little while, to combat depression, so we went to his smoke shop in Mandarin...and the car died. We both spent the first half hour kicking ourselves for not listening to our father's voices in our heads when the dash lights came on 2 weeks ago...and then we called for a tow and spent the day getting the alternator replaced. Thank goodness I got paid Friday, but there went any surplus we had on that check, which means pushing out doc appointments and orthotics and sneakers yet again.

I'm through using those as an excuse not to exercise though; getting my happy ass back to the Y this week. Felt so good just walking outdoors yesterday to do laundry. I need the sun on my face.

Image from here.

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