Thursday, January 05, 2012

Mental meanderings

If I can't live in snow, I'd just like to be able to drive to it occasionally. I think I can live with that. That's why just getting past the Sandhills of the Carolinas appeals to me. Actual cool weather in winter, close enough to drag Husby for a ski trip knees hurt just thinking about it, and I grin ironically. I was so damn young the one time I went skiing in CT; we were maybe 14. Can you imagine what a workout that would be now? Where do I sign up?

I mean, heck, even parts of Canada got a green Christmas this year. Was riding up in the elevator with some suits this morning who were talking about the trips they took over the holidays. I was struck by how both of them discussed how on the way to or from visiting family, they stopped at our satellite offices for one reason or another...we have several offices spread throughout the US and Canada now (but nooooo, can't be bothered to expand to the Carolinas yet! heh...sorry, digressed there.....). I remember desiring to be that type of suit, someone who was forced to travel for their job, who lived for their work. When I was a kid, I was going to be a high-powered attorney who wore a suit to work everyday. Interesting how different childhood dreams can be from eventual adult desires.....I'm not afraid of responsibility, but that type of life simply couldn't appeal less to me now.

Plus I totally dig getting to wear jeans to work.

Not normally one to adopt a particular word or phrase to live by in the New Year.....I do write resolutions, and usually break them very quickly. This year, it appears I'm turning a corner. Not only are the resolutions still sound, but I find myself working on a particular word: peace. It relates to my renewed faith, whatever that is; and my desire to treat myself right. Peace around me, but most importantly, within myself. It started in the weeks before Christmas, and on New Years, I hit the ground running.

My faith is a combo plate of paganism, buddhism, and quakerism. Semi-related to this and my health, I started researching the tenets of Overeaters behavior toward food had been significantly bingeworthy over the last year. I don't purge, just inhale food like it'll be gone tomorrow, and then wonder why my weight never changes. I hoarded food occasionally, hid it from Husby (telling myself it was for his own good, since chocolate exacerbates his's that for rationalization?), and grazed until I was uncomfortable, at work and at home. Pretty sure I came close to endangering myself a time or two...when you've eaten so much that you need to sleep propped up, because your organs don't appreciate the decreased space, you know you have a problem. So I finally sought help...haven't been to a meeting yet, but they offer plenty of online assistance. The tenets are basically the same as those for AA/Friends of Bill W......

The odd thing is the feeling of peace that's come over me since I started studying their material. It's not even like I've sat there, read stuff aloud, and physically given my problem to the gods yet...I'm just scratching the surface. But something obviously has resounded deep within me, because I haven't snacked for 5 days now. I eat a regular breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and have no desire to pour food into my body beyond what's needed to sustain energy, alertness, etc. If I'm hungry between meals, I take a breath, try some water, and listen to my body. I'm experiencing a willpower that hasn't shown its face before, and I'm in tune with a voice deep inside me that's saying "you're done treating yourself like hammered shit".

It feels pretty good.

Images from here.

No comments: