New. Year.

Random thoughts as I engage the new year.....

I think I want to become a tea drinker more, just so I can make myself one of those tea bag holder thingies in the picture...

I'm not sure I can remember the last time I felt this good. This alive in the brain. Was sometime in November, I think, before Mom's surgery. Talk about your lessons in feeding yourself physically, emotionally, the whole dern package....my terribly American mind is always looking for the quick fix, that "this" book will make the difference, or "this" website...forgetting that it takes conscious effort and some hard work to find balance. Have I really been out of balance for 2 months? Was I actually in balance before then? Who the hell you kidding, Melanie? My version of it maybe, but goodness, we've got some work to do.

Why has it taken me so long to see how my grumpiness when I get home from work is in direct correlation to how smithereened we've let the house become? And then I passive-aggressively take it out on Les, when I'm angry at myself. Les and I joked yesterday about the complete lack of fung shui the place has.....but it's a HUGE neon sign staring me in the face. I'm pretty sure it reads: "isn't it time to dig yourselves out?"

(We were joking about the feng shui, because of the immense pile of crap we have to trip over in the house just to get out to the porch to chase away the ducks, who recently decided it's mating time again and that our porch is a potential location for this endeavor. I will NEVER make that mistake again with feral creatures. On the upside, it got me out there to clean and start organizing, after they completely trashed the joint on Sunday morning.)

I joke that my cleaning sprees in the kitchen settle my brain. But then I finish and avoid everything else around me with the computer or the PS2. And wonder why I still feel like crap.

Turning on the TV is a choice. So is turning it off.

Excellent example of how things need to change was last night...came home late-ish, had FINALLY gotten back to the Y (thank the gods! SOSO glad to be back on track with that). Given my size, I'm working slowly back up to where I was 2 months ago, plus I was trying working out without my knee braces (so far, so good...kept me listening to my body). Threw together dinner for myself, which we won't even discuss, because it's horrendously bad for you...and then jumped on the computer (under the guise of recording said workout, only to then spend 2 hours on the damn thing playing on FB and lord knows what else). Berated myself for being on computer so long (especially given I spend 8 hours on the damn thing at work), so finally signed off....where I then went into the bedroom, walked right past the highly informative and interesting pile of library books next to my chair, and instead turned on the PS2 and "settled my brain" with Mah Jong until exhaustion kicked in. If someone could explain to me the difference between playing PS2 and playing on the computer, I'd be eternally grateful, because rereading this paragraph has me feeling like quite the flaming idiot.

Avoidance of what? Life? Still? You're frickin' 41! Time to knock that shit out and make some deliberate, positive changes.

This goes way beyond my utopian dreams of finding my little patch of land. It's about keeping a clean house that's decorated simply, that isn't so filled with boxes and furniture that the cat's going batty. It's about eating meals at a table with chairs. Letting go of some acquisitions, finding uses for others, shaping others to better fit our needs.

It's about not having the TV on 24/7. That's not an exaggeration; my DH falls asleep with it on. It's about discussing this with him, instead of passive-aggressively turning it off on him when he falls asleep. I could see myself doing that, instead of communicating; thankfully this isn't a mea culpa. I spend so much time inside my own head at work, I don't even realize I'm boxing him out by not talking enough when I get home.....plus I'm sometimes competing with the damn TV (or he's competing with the damn computer). These are things to work on, together.

I'm grateful I had the dough to buy a few things this past weekend. Simple stuff like a notebook for lists and some of those handheld expandable files. I told myself they were for the move, but I have a feeling it's going to stretch beyond that, to organizing the ways I can chip away at the apartment and our lifestyle and shape it into something more manageable. And maybe, just maybe, engaging DH's help and ideas, instead of just directing him. I'm a terribly bossy broad sometimes, and he lets me take that role, which can't be the best dynamic for a husband and wife.

I'm s...l...o...w...l....y shifting back to healthier eating. Drinking more water, getting back off soda, thinking before I graze. Found a water bottle at the evil big box store that's an absolute dream. Seriously. Wanna go back and buy 3 more and put 'em in a box with "FOR WATER ONLY" in big letters on it (most of our water bottles are tea-stained...Husby's a sweet tea addict). Not-so-thankfully, we're back to our usual level of poverty, so I have to think before I purchase.

And I discovered Mama Space (yes, yes, I know, this'll sound like another website solving everything, which I cautioned myself against just paragraphs ago...hey, at least I'm cognizant!). It's a serious goldmine. I'd love to attend the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, but that's not an attainable goal for the near future. In the meantime, I'm so grateful to find folks like Hannah, who are willing to give so much of what they've learned to help others. I've spent the morning trolling her archives and can't wait to try recipes, get the heck back to Native Sun, and think, think, think about the ideas presented on her site.

Man, I'm glad to be back in this place in my head, where ideas swirl and dreams flow :)

Image from here.

P.S. We got our car back!!! Rental has finally been turned back in! It's so darn pretty now, I may never want to put bumper stickers on it again!

More gratitude...that that blasted fender-bender wasn't one shred my fault. The damage came to something like $3200; we have new front and back bumpers and a new trunk lid (Lesson #406 that makes me miss Dad...no one bangs anything out anymore, b/c it screws up the crash test rating or something; it just gets replaced. I loathe our throwaway society.). Anyway, they also fixed the alignment (a bonus) and I'm pretty sure they cleaned out the brakes when they were inspecting everything, because they're stiffer and it's running great. Looking forward to the tax return, so we can change out the timing chain and belts and stop worrying about it for another 75,000 miles...

Wow. This was a long one. Kudos and thanks if you stuck with me :)