Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Eve
Image from here.
I haven't done resolutions in a couple of years. Everything got so knocked on its ear when Dad passed. And it's pretty easy for me to fall back into a default position of letting life pass me by, even with the terrible understanding of mortality that his passing brought, because it's a position that I lived in for so many years, when I was unmedicated, had no sense of self, and was in such pain. It's why I don't root for USF's football team...it has nothing to do with the fact that they didn't have football when I attended that school; it has everything to do with the fact that my five years there are an open wound that I don't revisit often.
This year though, there are very specific goals that deserve to be written down. I've learned how to keep an exercise regimen. I'm moving us out of Florida in October. We still want to try for children. I want to plant more vegetables and herbs and keep them alive. These are very big goals that require thought, planning, and much activity to come to fruitition. I'm finally in a place mentally, emotionally, where I'm ready to make these things happen.
The picture above is actually a good illustration of what I'm working toward...I won't have livestock for at least another year probably after the move; we will be in a rental house at first, and lord only knows what the individual landlord will allow in regard to gardening, animals, etc. But I'll be in a place with seasons and I'll be working outdoors much more, this time next year, and will need a good vest and barn coat, gods and my spirit willing. I'll be in a new job and money will likely be tight, and I could even be working on another member of the family by then; so the world's my oyster right now, kind of, and I know what I want for us...so it can only be good to finally write some stuff down again, get goals on paper and look at them, and then create off-shoots on top of off-shoots of those lists as we scrimp, save, purge, organize, and work our tails off toward the October move.
Time's been moving terribly fast lately. I haven't had an answer to how to slow it down, just been letting it do its thing and scare the crap out of me, the worry that we've let too much time go by, that children aren't possible at all, that there are so, SO damn many things I want to accomplish in this life and here we are still in this rathole apartment in Florida. I've read enough where the answer is really frickin' obvious, though, and I'm very grateful to Jenna from Cold Antler for sharing that she got back into yoga/meditation lately, because one line in a recent blog post rang so true that I'm putting it in my resolutions: "I want to start every day able to clear my head and touch my toes." Just 15 minutes of zazen morning and night and a light yoga workout. It's as mandatory as coffee in the mornings and getting my ass back to the Y several times a week; it'll feed my soul and shove out the god-awful-clattery noise that's in my head 25/8.
I'm blessed to be able to read so many intelligent and creative bloggers...told a couple of them just that today. They give me ideas, drive my creativity, spark so many great feelings that help me expand my personality, who I am vs. who I want to be. And their experiences on farms of their own are the delicious compost feeding the seed of my own dream. So maybe my continued good steps toward mental and physical health are the water on the garden. I'm not a huge fan of metaphors, but I've been in enough therapy to see that that's not a bad interpretation of how things will play out, as my work turns into results and these goals are achieved. Sure can't do it from a weak position; and that's not even an issue anyway, because I'm never letting go of the strengths I've gained the last 6 months. Physically and emotionally, minus a small sidestep for the holidays and Mom's surgery, I'm definitely on the right track.
I can't talk to you people all night; I've got serious thinking to do! Count your blessings, hug your families, and have a great New Year!