Thursday, June 26, 2008

Struggling to focus...

I'm in an odd, dark place today. Business is slow, so I got a half day yesterday, but it doesn't appear to have done me much good. I miss my lithium. I know it's a big part of why I always, always have to have projects going of late. Can't sit still, and feel massively guilty when I do. Have to be reading, knitting, tidying, planting, can't be just sitting quiet...like it's even possible to sit quietly in that house, because a TV is always on. Time slips away from us, while we lay comfy in our rut. I'm not comfy, and he isn't really either; his guilty comments belie his outward laziness. And it's not entirely laziness, his head hurts some most days...but am I enabling him by being soft when he's hurting? I wouldn't want to work if I had daily headaches either, don't know how Dad did it for so long. No, I do know, he felt the obligation of doing right by his family...but times have changed and I'm just as capable if not more of handling to big breadwinner status. Makes me tired though...

He knows things have to change. Some complex resident left a note on everyone's door about how he's been burglarized 4 times since moving here in February. While I feel little sympathy for the guy, because anyone stupid enough to continue replacing his toys and still getting burglarized has to eventually catch on to the fact that it's the cool toys that are bringing the burglars back...why would anyone in our tiny-assed apartments need a 40-inch, flat screen LCD TV in the first place? Dumb ass. Guy obviously didn't do his homework before moving here, or he wouldn't have picked the lousiest complex on the access road to move into; I mean, my complex truly is the bastard stepchild of all the complexes on the Southside access. And the carjackings and thefts have gotten worse of late. So maybe this eye-opener will help prod Husby...he's been sleeping with the knife out, and didn't want me doing laundry after dark last night. About time our complacence got a jolt. That guy getting pistol-whipped one building over from us was a nice wake-up call too. The hard part will be finding the patience to make the changes we need to make...no landlord would look twice at our credit if we tried to move right now, never mind that we just signed a new lease. We have some work to do.

Anyway, I miss my lithium. I'm definitely scattier without it, and at loose ends. I've been sleeping hard and waking up disoriented. Missing Dad. Don't know quite how to make all the changes I'd like to...think, list, plan, one at a time, be kind to myself.

No comments: