Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Weird weekend

Not bad, not great, just blah...Saturday morning was spent knitting feverishly to get a baby hat done for the shower I was attending that afternoon. And I must say, it was the best hat I've done so far, because I actually paid attention to the directions, so it didn't end up with a nipple on top. The shower was nice, a really small group, and I got to fill my eyes with the mom's belly and her beautiful 3-year-old boy. Belly's definitely grown since I saw her a month ago, thank goodness...they've lived on tenterhooks since June, worrying that the little guy would come early, and she's still on daily IV nutrition. But it's questionable whether he'll deliver naturally, because he shows no interest in dropping like kids do in the 9th month. They're small people in stature; their little guy is the size of an 18-month old...but he chatters and tests his parents like any kid that age, anything stick-sized becomes a light saber in his hands, and it finally dawned on me that his straight sandy hair and demeanor remind me of Haley Joel Osment in his early, early films, like Forrest Gump and Bogus.

Sunday, was up at a decent hour to bake zucchini bread for the KB get-together (which was scrummy, and I can't wait to try the same recipe substituting apples for zucchini). The get-together was, again, nice; it's relaxing just being able to hang out and knit with friends. Les came along, and it was comfy enough...but there's still something going on in the back of my head...I don't know if it's Dad or just my social insecurities...I mean, I occasionally feel that way at KB still, and I've hung out with these people for years now. Plus, the Fiber Freak wasn't able to make it, and she holds a special place in my heart. This has been a busy summer for all, and between gas prices and family obligations, our weekly visits to Panera or someplace have become few and far-between. I'm hoping now that kids are back in school, the scheduling that's forced to occur in families will actually allow people to designate that time better again.

Monday was a lazy day...I wanted to clean, but it just didn't happen. There's something going on in my head that demands attention...I even spent a little time looking at and writing in my grief journals. Mainly I knitted, watched SVU reruns, and realized that all my dreaming about owning our farm and learning about agriculture, while certainly positive and doable, is also one of my oldest defense mechanisms at work: dreaming about the future in order to avoid the present. I realized that yesterday with an "oh crap" parting-of-the-clouds type of mo......it's classic Melanie avoidance at work.....in college, I dreamt of getting out to keep myself from facing my depression and shitty grades...when I was at AMC, I dreamt of moving somewhere else, like Atlanta, not getting that I'd be trading one hell for another (it's very likely one reason I was so eager to move around those first years after college...from Jacksonville, to Tampa, to Fort Myers, to Jacksonville...interesting that I ended up back home, when I never considered my family to be that great of a support structure back then). So that's getting some attention this week in my head, trying to find a happy medium between dreaming and dealing, as I also deal with attaining my next clean bill of health (echocardiogram and nuclear stress test to make sure my heart's ok) and getting back on a food-and-exercise regimen. I can still dream, but if it's keeping me from dealing with the ache; then I've got some work to do.

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