Monday, July 16, 2007


I don't think I've ever been so unsettled to be feeling better.

Last week, I visited my doc and went back on lithium. Since my body basically doesn't produce the stuff on its own, the effect is fairly instantaneous when it's introduced back to my system. My mood lifts, I sleep better, my appetite is ravenous...that part's not cool at all, not when I've just started to lose a bit. Husby offered the oh-so-helpful notion of recognizing when I feel that way and then just eating less. If he wasn't such a sweetie, I'd have beaten the crap out of him for that latent male response.

But it dawned on me Sunday that my anger had dissipated, and that I was crying less, which begs the question, am I dealing with my grief properly? I shed a few on Saturday, but had to make myself on Sunday—watched the movie "Wide Awake" again just to see if I could fetch up my grief feelings (VERY sweet movie, about 10 years old, one of M. Night Shymalan's first...about a 5th grader's search for God following his grandfather's death). And that's when I realized I couldn't find my anger, which I hadn't even realized was a significant issue, a natural progression of my grief, that feeling that I've been wronged somehow to be enduring this loss. Now granted, I was getting pretty tired of all the crying and aching. But that worries me, that knowledge that if I let myself, I'll start blithely going along again like life is normal. Sure, that needs to happen eventually, but not yet, not to that extent anyway. I've never been down on myself normally for doing that, because once I found out about the lithium deficiency, it was easier to peg my issues as biological rather than emotional...but I don't want to do that now, because we obviously have a serious emotional issue at the forefront that shouldn't be buried.

So, other than me not being able to take happiness at face value, it was a good weekend...spent Saturday on the westside, got to see Mom, Lil Bro, and Hunter, and we treated them to Les's teriyaki chicken, and my cheddar corn spoonbread and apple butter/pumpkin pie—YUM! Hunter's such a beauty, behaves quite well in stores thanks to his meds, and he's obviously good therapy for my mom. Six years old and he comes up to my chest! I'm 5'8"...the kid's frickin' huge!

Been slacking on my health studies...I'll create my notebook this week for the AHA Choose to Move info that I'm pulling off the web, as well as any other pertinent health and fitness stuff. Lil Bro has free weights I can use, which I'll hopefully get from him sometime this week in between procuring furniture from them and shoving Husby into one of about 4 job fairs that are being held this week. Thinking of ripping out some more projects; spent some time on log cabin yesterday and I'll put more time into the random wrap this week, because I'm looking forward to getting that one off the needles and wrapping it around me while I watch TV, knit, read...

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