Wednesday, July 18, 2007


My primary doc is a DO who operates a rather revolving-door family practice, which means it's easy to get an appointment usually, but you're crammed into a miniscule waiting area teeming with snot-nosed kids and rednecks (please excuse my class bias, but that's how it feels in there), and you're lucky to get your 15 minutes with the actual doc. So I'm not going to bother with another appointment just to hash out that I can't stand that I'm feeling so much better. But it is bringing home to me that I need a shrink, not a psychologist...I need someone who's skilled in the medicinal end of things as well as the emotional, and a psychologist just doesn't have enough experience. So I'll hang onto my appointment with the psychologist while I search for a psychiatrist.....

Because the damn lithium has me feeling pretty entirely blank. I'm not grieving at all; when I think of Dad, I feel.....very little. And that just ain't right. I was looking for a happy medium, something that would keep me from having panic attacks and hyperventilating every time I think of him, while allowing me to function better at work and such. Instead I'm feeling...nothing. My grief has been erased by a little beige pill, and I'm barely taking enough for it to be considered therapeutic. I dropped back to one a day this week, and if that doesn't work, I may go to every other day. I'm NOT going to go off of it without talking to somebody with an MD after their name, but as I am right now, I'm not dealing with much of anything, and that can only serve to bite me in the ass later.

I've started a tote bag with the brown Cascade in 2 strands, based on the Interweave Musical Stripes pattern (downloadable from Knitting Daily)...when I get bored with that yarn, I'll add either the slate blue or rose pink of that wonderfully rough, peace-fleece-esque wool that Dana gifted me...both those yarn types should make for a neat felting project, just won't double the blue or pink - it's thick enough on its own.

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