Was in a really lousy place this morning...things improving slowly. Counseling more trouble than it's worth right now; doc gave me the info for Ten Brouck but they don't even do individual counseling...best thing for me would be these 3-hour group sessions. NOT! So I called around to one or two places in my network but between the waiting lists, the insurance pre-approval, and the distance of their offices from my work, I just can't handle the concept right now. Never mind $15 a session for some guy to listen to me spout...I know I'm being obstinate, but I pulled half a dozen books out of the library yesterday on grief (and a particularly decent-looking one by Dr. Dyer) and I'm going to work through those first, as well as start the physical changes that need to occur.
That's the other bomb that was dropped on me yesterday, that I was just livid about...I went to the doc, my primary, to make sure I was doing right by my meds during this time and maybe see about counseling. I weaned off my lithium in the last month because I'm hoping to start on fertility meds soon with my OB-GYN, and were it not for this little issue of Dad dying, I'd be doing ok...I was feeling more energetic off the lithium, my mood swings weren't nuts, and more to the point, I'm able to separate the grief part of Melanie from the chemically imbalanced part of Melanie...I can tell that what I'm experiencing really is just grief and not me downsliding inordinately. And it wasn't like I cold-turkeyed the lithium; I finally know better than that. But when you've been on a med for 5+ years, you don't always clue into how it's going to affect your body when it leaves. So I get to the doc and discover my blood pressure's crept up to pre-hypertensive levels. What the hell? Plus, it was doing that 2 months ago when I went in for my foot pain, but do they bother to tell me then? I am completely freaked, and it, combined with Dad's death, is the wake-up call my body's been aching for. I'm going on Dr. Dean Ornish's diet to the best of my ability, exercising everyday somehow, and getting this goddamn weight off. This WILL not be my midlife crisis! I've got 60 more years in me easy, dammit!!
God, she pissed me off yesterday! Put me on a water pill to lower the BP and gave me 6 refills right outta the gate. I wasn't going to fill the Rx at all, but like a good girl I went online last night and read a bit about the work I've got cut out for me in the coming months to get back on track, and I relented a bit. I'm already drinking more water, 86ing all sodas, lowering my salt intake, and luckily I already own Eat More, Weigh Less and 150 Heart-Healthy Recipes by Dr. Ornish, so it's enough for a really good start. Problem is, our fridge and cabinets ain't exactly heart-healthy and we're low on dough as usual, so it's going to require some creative meals and food snitching from Mom I think, in the early weeks here.