There are bills to pay this weekend, and there's projecting to do. Told Les I'm not paying or buying anything until after work Saturday, after I've had a chance to budget; so we don't piss this beautiful almost-surplus away. It's a hard thing to do, lemme tell ya, the being responsible thing. Even after 2 solid weeks of eating crap with a side of crap because we couldn't afford serious essentials, like fresh veggies or meat, there's still that little voice in my head, whispering "don't you wanna buy that scarf you saw at Walmart?"
Not if that's $7.99 that could go toward something more important, like my Omega 3 supplement. Or an almond milk stash, so I can wean off dairy again. Or even some hair color so I can stop referring to myself as "tinsel top"...
Isn't this the way adults are supposed to act? I didn't learn this in school, and we've never had kids; and when you're only responsible for yourselves, the levels of hedonism can get rather high, the drive for instant gratifications...
Never even frickin' mind that the holidays are coming up soon...how do you adjust your holiday spending when one side of the family is quite materialistic? I need to step up the quality of the handmades this year, if they're going to pass for "real" presents. And how much should I be worrying about that, what others think vs. how I feel they're real presents because of the effort and intention that goes into them? If they don't see them as real presents, isn't that their burden? Still makes you feel like you came up short though...
One thing I absolutely want to do this year is have the holidays feel like the holidays, instead of some damn burden. When you're pagan, it's hard enough finding the meaning in all the bastardized stolen rituals of the season, but when you have very little dough and two families to travel between, it's very easy to just put your head down and slog through it..."hi, we're here, merry christmas, see ya..." I've done that the past 2 or 3 Christmases; we haven't put up our own tree in years. But the holidays are so much more than having gifts underneath the tree. I'm going to work on that this year...
Anyhoo, 4 hours of OT tomorrow and then relax time...thinking, puttering, cleaning, planning. Been trolling the photos of Grandfather Mountain in NC on FB for my autumn fix, and it's motivating me about the move, about reassessing what-all is going to be required to pull it off. It's a tall order, but no less doable.
Image from here.
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