Illumination

When I have my own house, there will be lavender in the herb garden.

"Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one."
~ DH

Wishing it won't make it so. That's the hard, hard lesson I'm taking away from my latest realizations, that it takes so much more than just wishing to make an out-of-state move occur, when you're working under our handicaps (living paycheck to paycheck, 2-person household + cat with 1-person income, modest savings, no credit cards, inability to acquire a bank loan, the list goes on). Don't get me wrong, I wasn't just wishing...I've been job hunting since May, investigating the apartment/house situation in Charlotte, researching the neighborhood layout of the city. Also, applied for positions outside of Charlotte...and have received zero nibbles back. My skill set and the economy just aren't meshing right now. Not giving up, but definitely reconciling myself to the fact that a lease renewal here could very well happen for now.

This is thanks to the realization that we plain don't have the funds to move. My stock options are in the basement, and any partial liquidation of the 401(k) can't occur until I have terminated employment with my company (US tax laws designed to save us from ourselves), and since I'm having a wee bit of trouble lining up a new job, it becomes rather logistically impossible to coordinate an out-of-state move without a chunk of spare funds from somewhere. That may be where the credit card comes in, but I don't really want that to be the end-all-be-all option either; even with a 0% APR for the first 12 billing cycles, it's a gamble that requires further review, once I've received the yay or nay from the credit card company, which won't be for 7 to 10 business days...so there's that.

Spent about 18 hours screaming internally with that realization. Our apartment has no washer/dryer, enough crap for a 2-bedroom, and has been smoked in for 13 years. It's a hole that I have no intention of even trying to get the security deposit back on. If I wasn't so worried about them raising the rent further, I'd demand fresh cabinets and carpeting on the renew. Add to that how dark we keep it sometimes because of Les's head, and it really does take on a "pit of despair" feel. Name that movie : )

So once I had a moment to set aside lamenting and gnashing my teeth and make a list or three, my brain just exploded with renewed hope on the subject. This means I have the time I need to research more, I should look into other means of income through my writing, we can really organize the boxes in the meantime....and a host of other things, which I outlined further on the NC Moving blog. And it blew out the lit fuse on the ominous end of August deadline (when we need to let the apartment complex know if we're moving or not). If I can still make it happen in that timeframe, great...at least now I have a realistic view on the level of work that needs to occur, all the pieces that need to fall magically into place to make it happen.

Image from here.