Monday, October 18, 2010

Monday ramblings

I need to find some faith. Dad's passing made me an atheist, I fear. For all my searching and reading, I don't really believe in heaven and higher powers and whatnot. That mindset makes life on earth more important, somehow, but not believing in anything after this is awfully depressing.

The randomness of it makes me ache, is what it is. My coworker J's 96-year-old grandfather suffered a massive stroke on Friday. Was in a coma all weekend and not expected to recover. This morning he woke up, demanded to be discharged, threatened to sue if the hospital didn't comply, and wanted to know if the Jags won.

Don't suppose they can keep him another day on the basis that he forgot we don't play til tonight this week?

My dad's heart gave out at 67. They didn't even think about operating to repair the new aortic dissection, because his body shut down so quickly, he likely wouldn't have survived the procedure, so what was the point.

Dad's mom lived to 97. Granted, the last 5 years or so, she lived on Planet WhothehellamI, but still, gotta be impressed with that kind of longevity.

I guess I really don't accept that there's only so much you can control in this life, because those juxtapositions wouldn't make me so angry if I did.

Heavy stuff for a Monday, I know...I just get frustrated. Mom's pain pump will help her quality of life tremendously, but there's nothing they can do to retard the disk degeneration that will cripple her eventually. Les has hit the ceiling on his current medication treatment for his headaches, his doc has no new bright ideas, which means I get to be the bad guy and kick his ass off the couch in spite of the pain, so that we can earn the money necessary to move next year, because my checks ain't cutting it. Never mind how his medications could be hurting his body or shortening his life span...

I totally get that you appreciate stuff more when you're forced to work hard for it. Just needed a little whine before placing nose back on grindstone. Thanks for listening.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

It is good to get things written down and out of your head. My father also passed away young, he was 49 and died of a heart attack. I believe we have no control over the hour of death, when your time is up your time is up, no matter what. I anyhow refuse to believe that this is it, that when we are dead we are dead. There has to be something else, but just in case lets live and savor every minute of today :) Good luck with all the moving plans.