I went to Jill's funeral today...glad I did, if for no other reason than to have Joan see that I was there and supported her in her time of grief. I really couldn't handle being there. I tried sitting in the chapel for a bit, but the minute I saw Joan's face, that stoic bravery, the faucet in my eyes turned on and I realized I'd be more comfortable standing for the service. Besides the casket was friggin' open, and I had no desire to see that...I've looked death in the face, and have no desire to wallow in it. So I stood in the back with a bunch of former Website Pro-ers, and tried not to shake my head as the reverend went through your standard Christian service. Two things stood out: the idea that Jill was better off in heaven, when she has a husband, a 5-year-old daughter, 2-year-old son, and decent life down here............I can't buy that, and in fact, have a real problem with a god who so apparently randomly robs a family of someone like that. And the sermon, which oh-so-deftly (and quite literally) attempted to save people at the end. We're bowing our heads for a final prayer, and this guy is carefully interspersing his sermon with the standard prayer for accepting Christ into your life. I realize that it stood out for me because I can't help feeling outnumbered and awkward when it gets heavy like that, but I just thought doing it at a funeral was distasteful or something.....they must've been Baptists.
Was kind of empty afterward, so took advantage of that feeling to better study Dad's autopsy so I can ask questions at my cardiology appointment on Tuesday. Still pretty deeply sad though, so trying to knit my feelings out or read my library books...been learning a LOT on agriculture, organic farming, and such. I can tell I'm not going to get any cleaning or apartment work done this weekend, so I'm going to use the time to think and research where I want to look for work, because I can't continue this way.