Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Not nearly as bad off as I thought

Hello! I am Figaro. I have a white bib and belly, and 4 white socks. This picture is an illusion. I am not normally so well behaved. My favorite pastimes include rattling the vertical blinds to vex Daddy, jumping on my big brother Jordan, and tear-assing around the apartment. Mommy says I'm hell on 4 paws, whatever that means.

So I sat down at the new therapist's office (Melanie, not Figaro) (yet another therapist that I'm probably not comfortable enough with to indulge in a second appointment), and started talking. Didn't go back nearly as far in the past as I did with the last one, because I didn't want to get to T-minus 10 minutes to go and feel like I was just starting. So I talked and I wept, and I mentioned how concerned I was that I was delaying the grief or not dealing properly with it thanks to the lithium, and it dawned on me: SFW. I've been feeling guilty for having the medication that allows me to better deal with all that's happened (guilty that Mom, Cyril, or Meara don't have what I have), and the clouds parted as I allowed myself to realize that they a) could certainly have access to meds if they felt the need, and b) probably don't have lithium deficiencies. The way I'm feeling now, on my meds, is normal; it's Melanie's normal, so why beat myself up for what's right for me. If I had to guess whether I inherited the lithium deficiency from Mom or Dad, Dad would win that sucker in a landslide. Unfortunately I'll probably never know now; haven't a clue if it's something that's normally measured on an autopsy (that is, if Baptist EVER gives up the f*cking thing!). But the point is that I can't feel guilty for something that's a legitimate medical condition; it's out of my hands. I've treated it as such for years, so what makes it different just 'cuz I'm facing this mind-blowing grief now? Nothin', that's what.

Don't know what to do about the counseling...made a 2nd appointment, but I'll hunt some more. Got my grief book and journal from Amazon this past week, I'm starting exercising, getting a change of scene in SC this coming weekend, and I'm getting back to church, trying out the Unitarians and the Methodists both, I think, as I search for a happy medium to my faith to help combat the ache. The Katja top will get all my knitting attention until it's done, cuz i'm hoping to finish it for Kylie's birthday, give it to her when we're up there this weekend.

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