Tuesday, May 21, 2013
So very much
As I type this, I hear the gentle snoring/groaning of our cat, Figaro, who decided to pop into a box top in front of my laptop to nap this morning. This is a first-time thing, and the only explanation I have is that she read my mood when I woke up this morning and decided I might like some company. We don't get along normally; she's really more Les's cat, so this turn of events is sweet. Damn cat's 10 years old and still bites me if I pet her when she's having an off day.
I slammed the snooze alarm off this morning and proceeded to oversleep for another hour and a half, during which time I dreamed about friends of ours getting pregnant when they were told they were infertile, while our attempts failed. In my dreams, I discussed going to the fertility specialist again...and then remembered that I have no insurance, so that's not even an option right now (although when you consider how few insurance plans even cover that specialty, it IS kind of moot). I remember being angry at how adoption isn't even an option because of our financial situation, how even if we had the credit to get that size of a loan, realistically I'd want to spend it on a mortgage before a child. That's my pragmatic side talking obviously, because it does still sting that we probably won't conceive, and I'm dashed if I know what to do with those emotions, so I'm apparently working them out in my sleep (goody.). And all the while, it's impossible to give up the dream, because I am only 43, there's still a chance, so much of our problem is timing.....
I stepped outside upon waking up this morning. Stretched a bit, shook the dreams out of my head. Walked down to the stream just to look around. There's a bush down there with small white flowers with yellow centers...should look up what the heck it is (elderberries? no, they look more like queen anne's lace, I think...). The bugs aren't bad yet this morning, the birds were chirping away, and I breathed in with gratitude being in a place where I'm able to shrug off bad dreams with nature so abundant around me. Checked the plant leaves; the peppers are still the main victims of those tiny bugs, so I'm keeping a close eye on them.
I'll try and put in a few hours on sites, and then I want to meander to the West Asheville Tailgate Market. We're almost out of eggs. For motivation, there's Longest Acres, a couple of very sweet 20somethings who just bought their farm. Gonna look at that pic frequently over the next couple of weeks. They've got themselves a helluva front yard. Also, Ben Hewitt's intelligent writing reminds me of just how much the hard work pays off in happiness and fulfillment.
It's going to happen here. One day/step at a time. Today's step is keeping aphids off of peppers, and hopefully transplanting seedlings. I've got such a long way to go, and I'm determined to enjoy the ride.