Thursday, November 15, 2012

Giving it to the gods

When Christians wrestle with a problem, they are told to give it to God, to trust that the big guy knows what's best and will guide you in the appropriate direction. Dawned on me this morning that as a pagan, I don't have that. Well, as a control freak, I don't have it either...I have trouble with the concept of just letting something be and trusting fate or destiny to take its course in my favor. Which is funny in the face of how much I've let life just pass me by...but this isn't a self-flaggellation post.

But paganism, being polytheistic, makes this much harder, the release of worry at the fork in the road. I'm not heavy on the ritual of being a witch at all (you won't catch me nekkid in a field calling the quarters under a full moon), but I do have gods that I've studied more than others, as well as guardians that I call on to guide me at times. There are New Agers who are heavy on that level of study..."oh, I call on this god when I need this and I call on that goddess when I want that"...but that ain't my speed; how do you hang onto responsibility for your own life with that attitude?

This week has been pressing down on me, and we're quite close to taking a step off a cliff, and I'm recognizing that in order to get through it with my sanity and marriage intact, it would be wise to listen very carefully inside myself a bit.

This move is borderline wouldn't happen at all if we had kids in tow, but since it's just the 2 of us and 1 large hairball (cat), we can take that leap of faith together and trust that we'll be able to survive the initial months of thin dough and scrambling for work, because we've come through so much already. But that doesn't assuage the worry, the blind fear of all that could go wrong once there. Would we be this afraid if the media weren't blasting the economy every time you turn on the TV/computer? Maybe not, but it's there, and to ignore it completely is to not respect it and risk it seriously kicking your ass.

The money should drop in my account today, enough to put down a security deposit on the apartment I have my eye on in Weaverville. We'll probably get rejected and need to sweet-talk them into taking us with a cosigner, but I'm ready for that. Until I'm certain we can't find a roof for over our heads up there, this dream lives on.

Image from here

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