Sunday, December 12, 2010
I've been on Paxil for 12+ years...went on it soon after moving to Jax. This was after a L...O...N...G...period of trying different meds for my "marked depression" with little success. This was before I knew that I was lithium deficient or that my body burns through meds faster than normal. I've recognized Paxil's benefits and that as long as it keeps working, it's something I need to be on.
Paxil works for me. I went through the requisite periods of thinking I was "cured" and trying to go off it several times. Paxil unfortunately has the added side effect of being physically addicting...so in addition to your brain unspooling from being off it, you also slowly realize that your entire body hurts. So I don't do that anymore. Deliberately, that is...
This past week, I ran out and refilled, but thanks to my usual exemplary budgeting methods, we didn't have the dough to pick up my refill til Friday. I was only off the damn stuff like, 36 hours. That 36 hours though, was enough time for my body to start to hurt and my brain to start to fly. I was never diagnosed bipolar, but I think I come as close as you can to that diagnosis without being it. All my plans for cleaning and organizing went through my hands like sand underwater yesterday (Saturday) as I realized I felt like crap. Les's and my moods tend to seesaw according to extremes, so he was up and coherent enough to go out with me yesterday...we dropped off recycling and got about half the holiday shopping done. But I was in a lousy, achy, self-flaggelating fog and turtled the rest of the night.
Today's better, not 100% of course, but I'm thinking about cleaning a little and getting grocery shopping done. I've been up a while and made pancakes, and the coffee's starting to kick in. It's the little things. But it's also a big reminder that I need to remain cognizant of my condition, that I'll never be someone who can neglect my meds. It's been hard enough staying off the lithium while we (seriously sporadically) navigate the concept of possible procreation. Going off the Paxil too is not an option, even by accident. And it was an accident, thankfully; I have gotten past that point of thinking I'm "all better". Age may bring wisdom, but it doesn't cure chemical imbalances.
The holiday shopping was kind of fun...we managed some purchases without draining the account yet, but there's a couple more to go. If I can get to the grocery store today, I will start baking..."quick" breads that can be frozen. And I'm thinking of a handmade gift for one sib and some handmade gift tags for all the pressies. It'll be a day of puttering as I let my brain "heal" again. Probably good that this is happening in winter, when the focus should be on stillness anyway. My holiday spirit has been buoyed by the above pic; I think it nutshells nicely the feelings of the season....I've just been flipping around the last three in my head: Peace. Gratitude. Stillness. Giving. Hope. Love.