Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I'm not questioning, but...

Seriously, how is a person, who has worked through/with depression from age 16 to the present (22 years!), supposed to take it when life suddenly takes a dramatic upswing, in the face of mind-blowing grief, no less!? I recognize that I'm growing as a result of Dad's passing, and I recognize that my ritual at Halloween brought me to a level of peace with it...but I'd been feeling good for almost a week before Halloween, so maybe the ritual sealed the deal...don't get me wrong, I totally get that I ain't done grieving, that it could even be a type of lifelong process, reconciling myself with him being gone...I'm reminded of a "thirtysomething" episode (of all things), where Gary realized he was in love when the ache of loneliness had subsided, and instead of reveling in being in love, he felt he'd been robbed and took it out on the lucky lady..."that's my ache," he said to her half-jokingly, "how dare you take it from me..." That's what it feels like. I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop, for once; I'm feeling too strong right now to waste time looking over my shoulder. And if Dad's the one who took the ache from me for now, he's getting a huge thank you. But it takes getting used to...in an email to Lil Sis, I likened it to wearing a coat that's too small...

Anyhoo, didn't get outside much last weekend, but it was a good one...mainly puttered and relaxed. Got truly started on Husby's SS paperwork (because all claims to the contrary up until now have been bullshit), ignored the plants, did bake 2 loaves of wheat bread (which kicked butt, probably my best yet), and I'm working LSIL's sock and a hat for myself right now. Our financial issues have been remedied for now, and I'm setting goals for them to never get that bad again. It truly has woken me up to how slack I've been, how very important it is to run a household with some degree of efficiency. The Internet's been a gold mine in this endeavor; I'm finally reading sites about menu planning, creating a household notebook (since we still don't have the Windows operating systems necessary to do it right on computer), and learning how to keep the house clean so I don't get scattered so easily. Deep down I've got a lot of Dad in me, and I'm a Virgo besides, so I need things to have a place, be in order, and when they're not, I just plunge and don't even realize that it's a symptom of what's miring me, keeping me from acting...relax, people, I'm getting Husby's help too; I know it's not just me.

Spent 2 hours online last night working SS again, and we have just one section to go before we hit Enter, so to speak, get his medical file to them (because that's gotta be faster than letting SS do it, and they need copies of his birth certificate and other stuff anyway), and start crossing our fingers for an expeditious denial, so we can work on an appeal. Sounds pessimistic, but it's more realism...migraines have come a long way as a plausible disability, but we know we've got our work cut out for us.

I've got about 28 rows left to the foot of the first sock and then the toe shaping, so there's a really good chance I can get that done this week. I know how quickly November's going to go by if I let it, and this just isn't a project where SSS (second sock syndrome) can occur, so the only other knitting project getting attention right now is that hat for me, and that's just because I'm psyched it's finally cooler around here. Weather's been windows-open at night and mid-70s tops during the day. I definitely have some form of reverse seasonal affective disorder - this weather has me happier than a pig in poop!

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