Wednesday, November 14, 2007

ebb and flow

I wonder if normal people wake up in the morning and recognize whether or not they're ok. Cuz for those of us who require medication to determine this, we develop an internal's hard to explain, especially since if you're a depressive, you're so used to it, if you notice it's a down day, you basically trudge on, because you know that no amount of positive thinking and sunshine is going to help it, so why try? May sound defeatist, but it's realism...when the energy expended to get out of bed is enough to get you frustrated, why pour more into a warm fuzzy that hasn't a chance of breaking through what the medication can't...

So I took yesterday's dip in mood in stride. It pissed me off, but I was too busy dealing with the symptoms to really vent, and I wanted to know why. Why after nearly a month of feeling really damn good, do I suddenly take a dip? I know everyday can't be sunshine and roses, but nothing had changed with my medication, no PMSing, no serious changes in my diet, I thought; so why was I suddenly crawling out of my skin, hating my reflection in the mirror, and working with the concentration level of a Mexican jumping bean...I'm still not certain. I think it was diet and PCOS messing with me. That wheat bread I'm making may be better for me than the white, but when you increase your consumption as a result and already have candida issues, you're asking for trouble. And I had one of those "ding, fries are done!" moments when I remembered that somewhere in my bookcase is a little reference book dedicated solely to the topic of PCOS. I found it at Chamblin's and thought, what a great resource, and promptly shelved it. I can't be the only one who does stuff like that. Anyway, it's time to dig it out. I have a feeling it's as simple as what I'm stuffing my face with :(

Today appears to be better. I'm wearing comfort clothes just to be safe, cuz I REALLY hated what I was wearing yesterday and the only thing wrong with the outfit was that the top's starting to show its age. I think it's also cuz in the back of my head, I'm trying to look more professional on the off chance I run into anyone from HR (while I'm in the running for this position), but I need to chill...there's an excellent chance I'm not even qualified enough for what they want in the position, so no point in making myself nutty over potential fashion issues...yeah, ok, the jumping bean part of yesterday has stuck around a bit...though those who know me will say I'm always like this :)

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