Still blank

I give Mom and Lil Bro kudos for not going completely 'round the bend from living in that house. Never mind that the furniture ain't comfortable; the place is one big memory bank. I can't imagine being more in pain than I already am, but I'm pretty sure that living in that house would produce that feeling. Lil Bro combats it by working out/exercising for now, and it seems to be helping...he admits that to not do physical activities would put him in a corner in the fetal position at least emotionally. I'm not sure how Mom's coping...still a tough read. She admits to breakdowns like we all have, but with people, even family, there's this strength for the most part that pervades her personality, that's so apparent it makes me worry that she's surpressing. More likely she's going through the motions like we all are, and it's harder for me to distinguish because I'm in such a fog of my own as well.

Problem is, and she's admitted to this as I have, that reading about how to cope with grief is difficult because it forces you to sit down and absorb it, get to know it, curl up and have conversations with it, and that's just physically painful. I guess it's normal; I mean, in the first month when it's still so very fresh, you're already thinking about it 24/7 so to purposefully try and read about it would probably send your psyche right over the edge. I read a little in the early days to convince myself that I was going to survive with this big chunk of my heart missing, and to reassure myself that everything that was occurring in my head was normal. Can't deal with past depression like I have and not be concerned with how this life-changing event would affect...everything. Then I ignored the books for about 6 weeks, and now I'm slowly opening to the idea of exploring them again, maybe doing a little journaling. Gotta do something, as I can already tell that counseling won't do as much as I'd like...after the session the other day, it produced a long-forgotten memory of driving to my sessions in Fort Myers, and going over in my head what I wanted to cover beforehand, because those damn 50 minutes are so precious and short. It's just not enough time to produce decent results on its own...probably why so many people medicate now. The way I voiced it to Lil Sis is that it may help steer us in the proper directions, but the emotional/intellectual heavy lifting will be up to us.

Had 4 beers yesterday, so my body's one big joint creak today...dumbass...Suns game was fun though! I actually only pulled out the knitting at the very beginning...the rest of the time I was able to enjoy people/vendor watching and the game itself...we won 3-2 and it went by faster than baseball I've been to in the past. Fireworks were quite neat afterward, and the rain only sprayed us right before the first pitch, which was hilarious because most folks scattered for the upper levels, but we stayed put and put ponchos on, so our seats stayed dry while others had soggy pants issues afterward :) Then yesterday we went over to Mom's, Lil Bro and Husby cooked kabobs out on the grill (yum!), there was lowfat berry cheesecake afterward, and it was nice just hanging out with Mom and Lil Bro. I was exhausted on the drive home, but we got back early enough for a light 2nd wind/wind-down that left me refreshed before bed.

Projects this week are the log cabin and the blue wrap...random wrap will be revisited this weekend, and I need a 3rd skein for the blue wrap, I can already tell. My QC team all chipped in and got me 2 gift cards, because they could tell I've been having a hard time coping, and the one that works like a Visa debit is burning a hole in my pocket...definitely looking for a particular grief book and workbook with that sucker, as well as some stash enhancement (yarn for you laypeople).