Such coordination

Graphic courtesy of http://www.whales.org.au.
If only I could be that graceful.

When you're big, the last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself. ANY attention to yourself. You wear nondescript colors in your wardrobe, unless you have enough pride to override the flab. You try not to be loud. You practice invisibility, camouflage. If you're forced into public situations with strangers, you turn on the charm, smile more—I'm pretty, look at my face, not my bod.

And then you trip over boxes.

Worked one of the H Magazine tables last night at "Girl's Night Out," one of those shindigs where you get free samples, sign up for drawings, and everyone tries to sell you cosmetics or get you to host a party in your home.

Mom was on the other end of the food court working the silent auction, and my size 11s got caught on one of the boxes behind the table I was working. It was like my shoes were suddenly tied together; my attempts to extricate myself from the tangle of box and magazines nearby, caused me to go down hard, turning an ankle and bruising a knee. In an instant, I was up, straightening stuff out, mopping up the spilled soda that had tumbled off the table, waving off the concerned looks of the women around me asking if I was ok (I'm fine, no problem, next show's at 10, enjoy the veal), but my face must've given away how humiliated I felt. I was suddenly immensely tired and couldn't wait to get outta there.

Luckily I didn't really hurt myself, it appears; left ankle has soreness when I turn it certain ways, but I can walk fine, so I'm trying not to feed my self-pity by making it hurt. It was just a blunt reminder of how desperately tired I am of being this big, how I ache to be healthier, yet let week after week go by without exercise and with crappy nutrition. I'm so tired of loving myself on the inside and loathing myself on the outside. Whine, whine, whine. 'Nuf said.

Knit up to the instep on the 2nd baby Ugg last night before my exercise in flexibility and grace.

Prayers to my grandmother-in-law, please! She went in for emergency gall bladder surgery last night; she's 85 with a host of other health issues, so this will definitely lay her flat for a while.

Happy friggin' Friday.