Black Friday

Really disenchanted with my company as this week ends...lot of little things. Plus I'm second-guessing myself for not giving them more of a fight about the responsibilities they took away from me and the pay I could be losing. It's such a delicate balance...I mean, I've been with them 9½ years, so it's not like I'll impress them if I suddenly grow a pair. They know enough about me, how I operate, to already have all their notions in place as to who I am as an employee. And I've never been one to buck authority or slam my head against a wall when it's obvious that's what I'd be doing. I admit I didn't balk because the boss I had to deal with intimidates the hell out of me. But it's also about maintaining peace. The last thing you want (say it with me, "in this economy") is to give any part of your company the idea that you're unhappy. Everyone's replacable. They're already unhappy enough about how much (read: little) they pay us. Man, I was thinking about that on the way in today....how minimum wage went up to $7.25/hour. The average copywriter at my company makes $8-$9/hour with incentives that drive it up to $11-$13. When the question of raises was broached at an all-hands staff meeting about 6 months ago, we were basically told that thanks to the economy, we should just be grateful we have jobs. The thing is, I'm finally getting that the economy is just an excuse, a wonderful excuse for them to lean on while they maintain their sweatshop mentality. I haven't received a raise in 7 years! They're lucky the copywriters don't walk.

So I'm motivated. Charlotte has web design and advertising agencies coming out of its ears. That's good and bad, means I have some significant research ahead of me as I weed out the weak from the apparent strong, see where I might fit, where it's smartest to put out the feelers. The good news is how much easier it is now...my gosh, the last time I was doing a significant search like this, it involved a telephone book and a legal pad. Now you just bring up the agency's website.

Hindsight being what it is, I'm almost glad they're dissolving the supervisor position. I'm lousy at towing the line and in adulthood, I've discovered the freedom of saying what you think. Holding my tongue, not so good at. And the fact is that while I do make a good wage, it's very hard for 2 people to live on that wage. So I'm hitting the computer this weekend and starting the process of planning for our move...

While I'm bitching incessantly about lackomoney, our quarterly bonuses came in. Whine decreases just a tad...it'll be nice to have something in the savings account again.

shhhh....

Giving myself permission to slack off a bit at work today, because I pulled high numbers the last 2 days and don't want people getting suspicious of how I spend my time.....have to take advantage of the company while I can, but also avoid the heat.....delicate balance.

No longer pissed per se, just tired ... researching web design companies in Charlotte (quite a few established-looking businesses, thank goodness) as well as publishing outlets...will expand search to include medical outfits probably too, given my small experience in that field. Patients are easier to deal with than regular people. Web design will pay the bucks I need though, so they're first choice.

I really, really want to be out of Jacksonville at the end of our current lease. That's going to require substantial effort on our part, but it's doable. Meara, bless her heart, keeps getting great opportunities at her position that may keep her there a bit longer than originally planned. So maybe Les and I will be the first ones up there, and can get established and then help Mom find a place. It's certainly a ways off, but I can't look at it that way anymore because time's doing nothing but flying lately...this has been such a fast year for me...I'm really curious to if things will slow down like, starting on September 10.....I'm really trying not to think about that damn age I'm turning, but I can't figure any other reason for the way time has flown this year.

This should've been an NC Moving post...nothin' much else going on...neglecting knitting this week, looking forward to weekend, the usual...

Much better

Don't know what it is, but lately when a roadblock or frustration presents itself and invades my psyche, once I figure out that I can't do anything about said stressor, the stress it's creating evaporates. I'm very lucky in this, I know. I used to obsess quite a bit more, and Husby still does, but I'm working with him on it :)

So I wake up this morning in a good place. I chalk up recent events at work to experience and push past it. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a company that's recognized that it's quite top-heavy and is starting to remedy it in the one team that could use another supervisor. This is a company that hasn't given out raises for merit or cost of living in 7 years. It's a company that's surviving the current economic crisis at the expense of the personnel, with wages below average market for the field and a sweatshop mentality. If I really only want to be in Jacksonville another year, it's time to get cracking on fluffing the ole resume and figuring out what fields I can get hired in.

In the meantime, I'm buying another pair of jeans. I'm not dressing up for these people if I don't have to, and jeans and sneaks are very acceptable at my office, unless there's suits giving tours. Wore my jeans and sneaks today (on a Tuesday! ::gasp!::) and it's nice and comfortable and putting me in a better mood for the tasks ahead. Tonight, cleaning the kitchen - it's slipped a little - and brainstorming! And a log cabin blanket that's slowly taking shape.

Wha...?

Seriously, I'm not entirely sure where last week went. It's been busy for me at work and all, but usually I post the random babblings of my life more than once a week. I guess since I did post over at NCMoving, it's not like I dropped off the planet, but still...

I'm in the throes of some decent hormonal mood swings, so I'll be brief...

1) My work is thinking of dissolving the position I've been trying for. This means I'll still have a job, still be doing what I've been doing, just won't have a title or any authority. Pretty ideal considering what a closet case I can be when put in a position of authority, but I'm still kind of pissed. Plus, how do I know I'd still be a closet case? I wasn't medicated at all back when I was in management. Well, then again, I'm barely medicated now...heh...

Edit to this part of the entry: they've stripped me of most of my responsibility. I'm no longer kind of pissed, I'm pretty fully pissed. And feeling underappreciated. And tired, tired, tired of the BS. Ah well...

2) I'm pretty sure summer is epitomized in pictures like the avocado and tomato sandwich over at beauty that moves. I wanted to drop everything and drive to Native Sun for fresh everything when I saw that photo.

3) Just remembered another reason I wasn't blogging last week...serious family drama on my husband's side, and didn't want to blab too much. It's just a lousy situation, and if I had my way, we'd be fighting for custody of our niece; but it's not feasible/we'd get a fight from his folks.

4) Knitting a bit, not reading much, but I've gotten smart about the ole hormonal enslavement and I don't even try to accomplish much when it's on. Did a whole lot of laying around yesterday, and am glad I did.

Something about a Monday...

"Today is a new day with no mistakes in it yet."
~ Anne of Green Gables, L.M. Montgomery

Every once in a while, I don't strap on my little black cloud to head out into a Monday. I find that I have that newly hatched feeling, where the brain's awake enough to have positive ideas and work is more tolerable as a result. I'd still like to be about anywhere other than strapped to my cubicle, but the work day will last as long as it lasts, and then I'll be free to catch up on laundry, make a meal plan for the week, read, knit on the log cabin blanket I'm optimistically hoping to create for our king-size bed, and poke the husband with a stick.

The rain's picked up around here and everything smells green. I spent parts of the weekend helping Mom out. She had minor hand surgery on Friday, and her little dog got sick that afternoon. A sigh-worthy vet bill and rather hilarious amount of medications later (5 different meds for a 5-pound dog!? Oh, I get it, one med per pound...), Chloe's rallying slowly. Mom's rallying faster; she had a finger that was locking and this procedure released it, but still, trying to shove meds down a dog's throat with a wrapped-up hand is an exercise in patience. The critter looked traumatized after we got through with her midday regimen yesterday, poor thing. Then Sunday I went over to help vacuum and dust, which was almost more psychological than sanitary, as Mom keeps a pretty clean place already. Someone should do a study on how vacuum cleaner tracks on a carpet instills a feeling of calm and order in the universe.

Tack a couple of hours at the office on Saturday to catch up from taking the day off on Friday, and the darn weekend went by fast as a result. But I was able to relax a bit and do so without guilt. That's always tricky for me on the weekends, slacking without feeling bad about it. Helps that the floor space in the ole apartment hasn't gotten cluttered up. Since I'm back to 5-day weeks (had a couple of weeks there where it was one day off here, one day off there), I'm hoping to tackle small projects in the evenings, so I won't be so putting-my-eggs-in-one-basket about the weekends. Tired of having grandeous ideas about accomplishing things on the weekends, and getting to the end of said weekends with distinct lack-of-accomplishment feeling. Harder to get motivated after the task of creating decent meal and cleaning kitchen every evening, but it helps that there ain't dick on TV right now. In the fall, it'll require a bit more willpower.

Then there's exercise. I've signed up for two 3-mile walks this fall, the Heart walk in September and the Autism walk in November. I've gained 20 pounds of McDonald's and Starbucks (not in that order) in recent months, and I'm trying to get pregnant in a body that's probably fighting that very prospect. Something clicked this weekend. If I can't get motivated to exercise first thing in the morning, then I'll start in the evenings while I'm watching TV and once it's habit, expand the concept. I'm reading some new books on getting healthy, and getting over to Native Sun or RAM for our produce.

Randomness:
Still pondering the planting thing...haven't given up exactly, but I'm dashed as to if it's even possible to grow anything where I live. Between the squirrels and the heat, my hands are pretty tied.

Been very scatterbrained where purses are concerned lately, changing them out practically once a day...the cat and I are getting along better than usual...Husby's head flares up a little worse in summer because of the barometric pressure during storms.

Rainy Wednesday

I'm lost as to the logic of mowing the lawn in the rain. This can't just be a Dad-ism that I've picked up...doesn't it make sense that rain weighs down the grass, so you're not cutting it so much as mashing it when you run a mower over it when it's soggy. We had good soaking rains start up in the wee hours this morning, and the landscapers were out at my complex doing their thing Wednesday like it was normal out. I suppose it's a negligible offense to the grass, since they already force it to grow where it wouldn't normally and spread god-knows-what on it to control bugs and weeds. But still, how do you go about a job like that and not feel like a Darwin award recipient? Don't get me started on the leaf blowers...

Looks like we're expecting rain the rest of the week. Good, we need it. I know the New Englanders are starting to feel like they're drowning, but it hasn't been normal down here since late May where rain is concerned. Could use the catchup...sun was trying to burn through the clouds in the midst of a good soaker this morning, saw a rainbow on the way to work :)

Started third panel on log cabin blanket, feeling this knitting in my upper arms...switched from straights to circulars and dug out the worsted Red Heart in my stash. When Yarn Harlot came to town, I won a gift package that included a set of 48" 10½s...nice to finally put 'em to use.

Finally cracked the Pagan Book of Living and Dying...glad I did, it's speaking to me, reminding me of stuff I'd forgotten. Pagans lapse just like Christians, and it's been ages since I've read anything on the craft.

Heart Walk coming up in September and Mom being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes has me thinking hard once again about my health...

Floor space

Happy 4th, rah, rah! I'm just not the most patriotic gal...don't know why. My patriotism went up a notch when we elected Obama into office, but there's enough history for us to be not proud of, that I have trouble remembering that we're still the coolest country with regards to personal liberty, freedom of speech/religion, etc. Hard to remember that stuff, when we still don't let gays marry in like, 42 states, and this Reclaiming/Feri witch currently studying Buddhism still has to keep her philosophical opinions to herself in most of the South.

So it's good that Mom dragged me out on Saturday evening. Les would've liked to come with, but the weather's been quite Julyish around here, so his head/body wouldn't have been able to take it. Lord, it was warm! Between the weather and the AC on the fritz this weekend, I'm pretty sure I've lost any water weight I had to spare....still catching up. Metro Park was hosting the annual concert and fireworks, so Mom and I went out to mingle with the unwashed masses and catch Richard Marx and Pat Benatar. Chagrined to admit ... I had a blast! Marx put a rockin' spin on most of the fluff he played from the '80s, and Benatar still has her pipes. Played my personal fave ("Invinsible") as well as all her big hits...terrific concerts! Everyone brings blankets and chairs and parks on the grass...I went to buy a new camp chair and confirmed what I feared: I've outgrown the weight limit on the average camp chair, literally. So I purchased a cushioned stadium seat instead, so that I'd have a straight back for leaning against when sitting on the grass...did the trick nicely and was another eye-opener.

Another thing...the fireworks were excellent!! Jacksonville sets them off from 2 barges in the river, plus strobes and sparkly stuff on the Main Street and Acosta bridges. We were directly in front of one batch and even with the almost-full moon had a clear view...never seen them do different shapes before, like butterflies and stars, plus the swirlies after the initial bang, and colorscolorscolors!

Yes, the AC was on the fritz most of the weekend...that was an 80+ degree blast, she said sarcastically. Got up to 84 in the apartment at one point, yeesh, it was miserable trying to sleep in that. Maintenance came out on Sunday and chastised us for not having a filter, as its lack was clogging up the system. Les gave it a good brushing and it cooled down finally yesterday evening. So with maintenance's impending visit, it lit a fire under my butt and I emptied the apartment of some stuff...loaded the latest Goodwill donations into the car, recycled the old filing cabinet and plastics (FINALLY!!!), and sent the typewriter table to the dumpster. Also moved the new wooden cabinet down off its friend and onto my work table, which opens up the feel of the main room, and the purging gives us more floor space than I've seen in oh, years. Holy cow, I'm loving that floor space! Gave the kitchen a surface cleaning too, still keeping the dishes from piling up for the most part, and my head is in a much better place where that apartment is concerned.

Going to sand down the rough spots on the smaller wooden cabinet, restain it, make repairs if needed, and paint it, I think, and then empty and do the same to the bigger one. I've been knitting kitchen washcloths, have 2 socks on the needles, and I started an acrylic log cabin bedspread, motivated by Yarn Harlot and the urge to get the serious amounts of acrylic yarn that have been gifted to me by Mom J onto needles or out of the house.

A Quickie...

no, not that kind...get your head outta the gutter!

Four people got moved to different positions within my company, and the upshot is I still have a shot at the Supervisor position I've been basically doing for the past 6 months...brushing up on my experience, my sucking up, and my people skills, in about that order...when they get their crap together, I'll interview with about half a dozen higher-ups (yeesh!) and then we'll see. Thinking my skills will beat out the other girl I know was looking at the position, but not taking anything for granted...

Survived helping Lil Bro move by being smart and careful on the stairs, not carrying more than I could handle, and moving slow. Sweat a pile of water weight off, and am feeling good, motivated to continue working out in some capacity in the evenings.

Cell phone's down, home phone's plugged back in...we're really tight on money til my next payday :( Plenty of food in the larder tho' so just gotta get creative.

Plugging along...looking forward to another 3-day weekend :)

No gnus...

Air conditioner running about 7 degrees above where it's set...I love living in an old building. AC unit itself is only 2 years old, it's the building that can't take the heat. My enjoyment of the warmth of Florida is finally waning...it was brutal this past weekend.

Work's very busy, and I'm wiped from helping Lil Bro move last night...offering my services again tonight, so brain and body are tired. Real post tomorrow with update on how the company's continuing to use me cheap.

Delicious free friday

Errands...maybe Chamblin's...maybe new farmer's market over at St. Johns...keep TV off, the news is frickin' surreal...

RIP Ed, Farrah, Michael...I know they go in threes, but boy, was this a unique week!

Nice to read blogs and hear about something other than the death of the King of Pop. I'm willing to overlook his weirdness in deference to the amazing talent and creativity, but I really don't give a rat's ass about the opinion of the fan who's been camped out at the Apollo all night...

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Two times a bridesmaid, already a bride

Afraid of posting the picture, don't want to slip into any copyright infringement territory, so here's the site link.

I went to sleep last night thinking about this dress and woke up this morning with it on my mind. I want to be forced to have alterations done on it, because it turns out to be too big when it comes in. I want to have a body that deserves a dress that pretty.

Yeah, ok, obsessing a little. Went bridesmaid dress shopping last night with Christy, my best friend since the 6th grade. They actually had one or two things in my size, so I tried stuff on with the rest of them, and it was surprisingly fun. With my body, I liken any shopping experience to trying on bathing suits, but fancy dresses are definitely different. The one that fit looked really matronly on the hanger, but I carried it better on. But I wasn't crazy about the brooch at the waist and it felt too...bulky or something. So her friend Vonn and I went back out to look some more, and I happened upon this one. It was in a size that Christy could try on for me to see, and I just knew. We're going with a Midnight Pearl color, a really deep navy blue, and while I'm recognizing it's going to be a little more form-fitting than some of the styles we were heading toward, Diana (another friend) was kind enough to note that the sweetheart neckline and cap sleeves (which fall naturally to the sides if desired) will be complementary to my body shape. So pregnancy plans and big body be damned, we ordered it in my current size and it should come in in September. She's not getting married until 10/10/10.

The side-gathered waist with the leaf applique spoke to my earthy nature. The lightly jeweled bodice made me feel like a girl, and I didn't even try the sucker on. Christy tried on and ended up purchasing a gown for the rehearsal dinner, because it looked amazing on her, the style spoke to hers, and I was reminded that it's important to have one/some of these kinds of dresses in your closet. I want to go walking right now, get in better shape, so that when I slip that dress on finally, my thoughts won't be on how disappointed I am in my body. Gotta tone my arms too. And get back on the Bean. And...

Am I being too...something? Probably, sure, but can it be wrong if it does motivate me properly? This wedding, however far in the future, will be a big deal, fancy with serious dough invested. I'm proud to be standing with my pal as she finally hooks her guy. I want it to be an amazingly happy day where my mind isn't constantly on how thank god the cap sleeves hide my flabby arms. Ridiculous, sure, but the negative voices in my head are unmerciful where my body is concerned. I can't have too many reasons to do right by me.

And then we went to Cheesecake Factory and blew any chance of it fitting when it comes in :) I kid, it was a delicious meal, and I was grateful, as I couldn't afford to go dutch this time.

Christy's a jewelry artist, and in the near future I'll be figuring out how to create a website to showcase her talents and hopefully get her selling her beautiful work. Just dawned on me, that Etsy might be more low-maintenance than creating something from scratch. Her stuff's more high-end than some of the stuff you'll find on Etsy, but it's completely handmade, so it certainly qualifies. Might be a nice jumping-off point...

Overheard they're going to be pushing weekend work, so much for my three-day weekend :( We're inheriting more furniture on Sunday...shhhh! haven't told Husby yet! Looking forward to next weekend's 3-day stretch for the holiday, and this weekend's extra work is motivating me to do more with my evenings. Hate when I can't rely on the weekends for wind down though.

Still organized...and a shout out...

Day Two of the Great Clean Kitchen experiment!

Only threw together Hamburger Helper last night because I knew I'd be working late, and I wanted something leftover-y today for Husby, because I'm doing dinner out with Christy. Put away dry stuff, washed pans, wiped down counters...using the washcloth I knitted a while back, and started a new one, because I'm liking having those around. I woke up this morning just knowing that it was going to be one of those morning where time flew, so I steered clear of the idiot box and jumped in the shower, threw together lunch and breakfast easily again. Need to be leaving the idiot box off altogether and doing yoga in the mornings to wake the body up...there's virtually nothing on of interest at that hour anyway, and this being summer in Florida, I already know the weather report (partly sunny or cloudy, depending on your point of view; high mid-90s, chance of rain 40%).

My new work bag is a beeyootiful fabric tote from the talented hands of Beauty That Moves, a kindred spirit from the Nutmeg State. The lousy photo is courtesy of my pay-as-you-go POS cell phone, but I was so tickled to have successfully sent a picture from my phone, I just had to put it on today's post. Yes, Melanie's a shade behind technologically...seriously though, it's a good thing we're back to not having money to blow on stuff, or else I'd be further cluttering up our pit of despair with the typewriter and suitcases in her vintage store. Heather's in the midst of farmer's market season, so her handmade shop stuff will trickle in online in the coming weeks as the bulk of her stock goes to the locals, but it's a fun place to dream, plus she's a good influence in the eating healthy department...check her out!

Something about a clean kitchen...

Got home from work last night and dove in, plowed through the dishes, cooked a decent meal, cleaned dishes from said meal, put away leftovers, fixed coffee for next morning, filed away idea for next day's lunch in head, and then went and relaxed. It was something like 9 p.m. when I finally hit the couch...and I don't even have kids to wrangle. Imagine the time I'd save if the kitchen was cleaned, oh say, almost every night! (Better yet, every night, of course, but let's throw some training wheels on first).

Having a clean kitchen is practically an aphrodisiac for me...I'm happier, more confident, certainly more organized. I'm able to plan things like decent meals, keeping the cookie jar full...felt so damn good about this simple accomplishment last night, it took me extra long to wind down, but I woke up in an OK mood and was able to have a relaxed breakfast and throw together today's lunch with ease. I'm thinking about baking bread, but that won't happen til Friday probably.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting my best friend Christy at St. Johns, where we'll check out bridesmaids' dresses and grab dinner and visit (she's getting married next year). Hope she's not expecting a lot of trying on...I doubt they have many of size ehem-cough-cough in stock. I'm taking Friday off, just for poops and giggles (originally was driving Mom to get her hand operated on, but it was rescheduled), so Thursday night will probably be a decompression evening. Work's weird lately, new boss, the girl I've been working closely with is on vaca, and there's very little work to be had, so we're kind of at loose ends.

I'm still not minding the heat...who AM I this summer?!

Modifications of Thought

I'm beginning to recognize that I'm not meant to keep plants that require any sort of care out on our porch. Literally, one of the things I'll look for in a house next year is a north-south exposure. My herbs aren't doing well, and the wildflowers never even tried to poke up. The rains haven't been regular since that spurt in May, and I get home from work so fried mentally I forget we even have a porch with attempted herbal food sources on it.

I'd forgotten that the problem with reading Kingsolver's book (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle) is that you then go to the average grocery store and realize that there isn't a single blessed thing there that you feel safe/moral about buying/wasting your money on. I stood looking at the eggs for like, 5 minutes, because I couldn't decide if we could afford organic from a grocery store brand that I didn't trust to be truly organic to begin with, or if we needed the eggs badly enough to go Eggland's Best once more...which are delicious if you can keep from thinking about the cages stacked to the ceiling housing the poor critters that are giving you the protein. We're tight on dough the next couple of weeks, so the Eggland's won out, but I dream of 10 years from now, when I see a mortgage with a decent yard for gardening and a couple of layers to eliminate the issue altogether. Gotta stop talking about that and start making it happen...talking really does only go so far where dreams are concerned.

Native Sun isn't open Sundays, or else I'd have gone there...I'm back to wanting all my veggies from that place. Saturday was a wash, never made it to the market...the whole weekend was a wash, went by like lightening, and I look on the new week with an impatience. The kitchen never even got cleaned. I spent yesterday in a bit of a fog, plowing through laundry at Mom's and missing Dad. Settled my brain with some sock knitting end of day, but I'm itching to get us eating better evening meals again, working a menu plan, making more from scratch...

weekendweekendweekend...t-minus 3 hours and counting.....

Meara's boss, T: "So lemme get this straight...you're having a funeral in the morning and a wedding reception in the afternoon?"
Meara: "Yeah, that's how we roll."

Yeah, ok, little weird...but it's a timing thing. Mom's fam is spread out all over the frickin' nation from California to New England to Florida. My Uncle Mike got married last month and they'd planned their reception for a month later (this weekend). Sandie went to Summerland at the beginning of this month with zero previous plans regarding after her demise, as she had hoped to donate her body to the local university. There was this kind-of "now what?" feeling hanging out there. So since half the fam was going to be in Ohio anyway, celebrating Mike and Susan's nuptials, they figured.....yeah, I know, still a little weird. But death brings family together; all the remaining 9 kids found a way to travel out there this weekend...it'll be a bittersweet time.

That said, I wish I could be there. Haven't seen most of that crowd since 1992. Hence my comment last post about getting savings accounts going...we should be traveling more. Of course, I say that when gas prices are just starting to jack up again.

Work's a bit grueling, sales are down, QC is caught up and then some...no matter how secure your job may seem, having nothing to do is scary. Gets me thinking...

Food and new bosses and rain and...

Just some randomness...

New boss is prettier than her pictures...unless it's not her. Googled her pretty soon after finding out her name the other day, and the qualifications match...

"I'm not a misanthrope. I just think most people are assholes."
~ Melanie J.

Case in point...we've had two emails so far today about people who left the lights on on their cars. Yes, that leans more toward a dingbat moment than an asshole moment, but I mean, unless you moved to Florida yesterday, you should be pretty used to having your lights on during hurricane season regardless of the time of day. Said to Meara, I must not suffer fools well....until I leave my lights on, that is.

Rediscovered Pioneer Woman today, thanks to another misanthrope, my buddy over at Forthwith, and am drooling over her recipes. Found out today that I'm probably inheriting another cabinet, and while that'll probably freak out the Husby (as I've mentioned before, we're kind of up to our ears in furniture in the smoke-filled pit we call home), I'm really looking forward to stacking it on my current free-standing cabinet so I can have easy access to the rest of my kitchen tools. They both need to be sanded down, minor repairs done, and refinished, maybe even painted. My wheels are turning...

My brain is already in weekend mode...there's boxes to be gone through, neglected plants to be salvaged, cooking and baking and veggie shopping, and lord knows what else to keep me busy. Mom and Meara head out of town tomorrow to Ohio; the family is memorializing Aunt Sandie on Saturday morning and then celebrating my Uncle Mike's new marriage that afternoon. Wish I could've gone, but there's no way...we're back to normal in the money department these days, and now that I'll be editing again soon...I'm a little nervous about the finances. Plus our insurance premiums went up, starting next check. So tack budgeting further onto that list for the weekend, because I've been thinking lately about how I want a) a savings account specifically for emergencies like car trouble, cat illness, and family members dropping dead, and b) to really look at the move, what's standing in our way credit-wise, and how to realistically plow over those obstacles and get our butts up to Charlotte (or Columbia or ...).

Maybe Riverside Arts Market this weekend for the veggies.....and Chamblin's for a book run. Laundry at Mom's...what else...?

Breathe

So. Back to straight editing after about a week helping the new manager transition. I'm pretty OK with it for now. Allows me to relax about my responsibilities a bit, while simultaneously jump-starting my productivity, as I'm pretty sure I've been making more as an interim supervisor than I will in regular editing...meaning I'll have to produce well to make the same money. It sucks, but what can you do in a company that doesn't feel the need to pay the going rate...

It's time to really assess how to manage a move next year. My company doesn't pay fairly for remote work, so freelancing for them isn't a possibility unless Les gets a decent job. He's looking into vocational rehab programs and government career help, but until we settle, wherever that may be, we're in limbo. It's time to truly look at how we can shape our vocational futures.

The next year

So they hired a new QC manager. Another outsider, but this one seems more qualified, more in tune with our business, so I'm keeping an open mind for now. Thing is, it probably boots me out of the position I've held for 6 months. I have an appointment later today with my higher-up to assess my position.

When you're...
a) trying to create small people in your body
b) hoping to move the hell out of your current city within the next year +
c) the sole breadwinner in your family
d) a victim of this lousy economy
...how the frick do you assess where you want to go in your current job?!

I'm not a huge fan of management positions, but I'm not about to shoot myself in the foot either. I'm doubtful they think of the QC supervisor position as large enough to split in two, and truthfully it isn't, but I'm not sure I exactly want to go back to straight editing either. There's a trainer position that was just vacated...I may playfully inquire about it. In the meantime, trying to do my regular job while pondering what the heck I'm going to say to the boss...wish me luck!

Back to reality

Weekend was OK. Survived with few ripples. Kept my mouth shut like a good girl. Sisinlaw's probably not pregnant, just her addictions have screwed up her cycle. I'm not worrying about it. My niece is developmentally behind and still addicted to the tube. Needs nursery school badly once she's potty trained. It makes me sad, that we're not there enough to combat the damage that's being done. Not my problem, I know, but still...beautiful kid. Do what you can, move forward. The inlaws talk about changing things, but it'll take something seriously rocking their world for that to happen, I think. It's a shame, but until I'm a parent and can truly understand their pain, I'm not about to stick my opinion in. Still...

Did get lots of relax time, which was nice. Plowed through a beginner's book on Zen, and restarted Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Kingsolver, which I'm knee deep in now and it's motivating me nicely. Worked on one sock, started another...

Summer's burst through in all its glory down here, temps hit the 90s this week. I'm in a really good place right now and enjoying it, which is really strange for me...normally I start hating Florida with an unmatchable vengance around now and that feeling sticks around til oh, say, October...December if it's a particularly warm year. But for some reason, I'm adapting...like I've said earlier, I think it helps that I'm wearing shirts that fit, don't feel the need to layer to hide myself so much. Certainly not letting anything hang out if I can help it, but I'm comfortable in short sleeves...

Also been getting more exercise, mostly not on purpose yet, and ate better while I was there, so I dropped a couple of pounds and am not so achy, which is REALLY motivating me to continue that feeling :)

Oh, and Figaro's been noisy and needy since we've been back, but did not crap in the tub. Progress :)

On my high horse

I stopped lying to protect other people's feelings sometime after college. Just couldn't see the point in hedging the truth. Drove Mom and Meara nuts, because we Lyons' kept quite a bit of "stuff" from Dad, things that just weren't worth the tantrum that would ensue if he knew. I had trouble seeing the point of that dishonesty, but I also had the luxury of living outside the house by then, away from the fights. Still, I try to live kind of authentically, so on the big stuff, like Les moving in with me, I told Dad straight-out what was going on, before we even moved back to Jacksonville. He didn't speak to me for 6 months. I was 27. So you get that I kind of get the cost of telling the truth.

But what about when the person involved is doing harm to themselves, and would be doing harm to an unborn child? The argument's still academic; we don't know if my sisinlaw is pregnant or not. But if she is, I just don't see any good discussion coming out of my reaction. I can't be happy for them at all; I think if she is pregnant, she should have an abortion. But if I voice that, her addict mind will see it as jealousy because we're trying to get pregnant. So I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't...

I'm going to be silent. What's nice is I'm not even jealous. Can't imagine being in her sitch, being in love with such a blatant loser and blind to it. The guy hasn't paid child support on his other 2 kids in over 3 years; how can she even think of having more children with him? Neither of them take any responsibility for their lives, and they're both in their 30s. It baffles me.

I've been reading my Zen books and have reached a peace where I believe that I will get pregnant eventually, so I'm totally OK with not being pregnant right now. That will carry me while I'm up there, but I still don't know how I'm going to manage to hold my tongue if it turns out to be true, hold it for 3 solid days.