Hormone hostage

RAGING PMS today...give me the bad foods and shut the f*ck up about what they'll do to me and while you're at it, clean the apartment and throw out half our furniture and scrub the walls especially around the vents and move things around in the dining area because the litter boxes are taking over that area (which is beyond nasty given Jordan's intestinal difficulties) and cull the bedroom closet because the weather just might be starting to turn...should NEVER have skipped the coffee this morning...bought BK and threw the sandwich out without taking a bite because it just looked too revolting to consume...lunch was a little better but I've been on a downward slope since I got up this morning...and the probable reason behind it is taking its sweet time.

So I certainly have no patience for sitting on my ass in a cube, editing websites at the rate of 2 an hour instead of 3, because there's no goddamn work at work! I work on base+incentive and we're barely making numbers here. I spent the morning applying for an editing position over in the Cecil Commerce Center area, I think, because that shitty commute would be worth it for $5K more a year and oh, I don't know, some challenges on the job! And yet, even thinking about changing jobs is one of the more terrifying concepts currently in Melanie's life, with bills still backing up and no help for it. I've been thinking of sticking with WSP for part-time remote work if I got a new job, but if things don't pick up, they won't even offer it to me...it'll be don't-call-us-we'll-call-you. I'm very frustrated. We started the application process with SS for Husby; we've received 2 confirmation #s and we're waiting on an email to move to Step whatever (plus I think they'll be sending us new stuff in the mail - the paperwork we had was over 2 years old already).

Saturday's the autism walk, then eye appointments for Husby and I, so I'm just gonna have to keep myself from crawling back under the covers when we finally get back home Saturday afternoon. There's too much getting neglected, and listing it online ain't working...going to have to organize myself better.

Ever feel the anger in your limbs? I want to be up and walking around, walking some of this energy out, but I'm chained to my desk. Scratch that...on top of the distinct lack of work, the system just went down so that the meager amount of work that we do have, can't be accessed!

I'd like to go home now.

I loathe whining. I know it's just a bad mood...I'll clean some tonight, turtle a little, see if I can watch Grey's Anatomy without cringing or crying because of the memories it creates, and move on...hopefully my DVD of Wide Awake is sitting at the complex right now; that'll lift my spirits considerably. And I really should get back to knitting...I think not picking up the needles in days could be contributing to the funk.

Subconscious

I really didn't think I was sweating the cardiologist appointment. Sure, I was eating WAY too much, and getting the occasional twinge in my chest that brought back memories of my panic attacks in college and after, but instead had me thinking naturally that there was something actually wrong there...but I guess thanks to my psychotropic meds, I wasn't feeling actual worry. Didn't even feel it when we were stuck waiting for 2+ hours at the drs. office due to them being seriously behind yesterday...Les gets way impatient under those conditions, but I was just bored silly. Finally he comes in, looks over my paperwork, and chats with us...and I'm ok. There's 2 or 3 problem areas that need to be watched over the next couple of years, but there's no way to know if they're genetic issues or weight issues...so why not try to lose some weight...which was exactly what I was expecting to hear. I mean, I knew there'd be a little something off, when they sent me the letter saying my stress test results were abnormal, but when the doc took my age, lack of symptoms, etc., into account, he pronounced me healthy, gave me advice, and said I was perfectly able to have kids :) And the thing is, the things he noted with my heart are all things that will very likely improve or remedy when I drop some weight (ventricles not working up to par under stress, which he implied was a coronary artery issue and NOT anything like what Dad had, and slight regurg at 2 valves)...as my body gets healthier, my heart should follow suit.

We asked him about different diets and god bless him, he emphasized how the important thing about those diets is to use them as a guideline, not as the Bible for how to lose weight...which I needed to hear, because as much as I talk up Dr. Ornish's ideas, the plain fact is that Ornish is a program that would require SLOW integration into Melanie's lifestyle, because it's so far afield from my regular food consumption, it would feel like serious deprivation and I'd be mainlining Haagen-Daz in a corner somewhere within a day or two. Those books I'm reading lately are fantastic, but boy does it make you a discriminating shopper. Went to Publix yesterday and was really disappointed in their produce section...the greens were on their last legs, as was most of the organic stuff, and the stuff that wasn't from California was from the Dominican Republic or someplace. I mean, I understand stuff like bananas and pomegranates coming from the tropics, but you can't tell me that the only place to grow acorn squash is Mexico. I have a feeling I'll be further disappointed at Native Sun, by the fossil fuel being burned to give us our "organics," but I'm definitely going to have to check them out in the near future, because the produce pickings are just too slim at your average grocery store.

But I must've been stressing the cardio visit (as I mentioned at the beginning), because as the day progressed afterward, I began to feel wave upon wave of RELIEF! Only thing that kept me from going for a walk is that my toe's still healing, and I want to be able to keep up on Saturday at the Autism walk at the zoo, so I'm sticking to flexibility/relaxation exercises for the rest of the week. Made a REALLY delicious version of chicken ala king last night, and settled in with new fall shows. I haven't been knitting in a couple of days (probably the stress, plus knowing when I've got too much going on to concentrate on lace), but I got some more books out of the library on life changes n stuff, so the brain's getting a workout.

MAN, I feel better :)

Weird weekend

The apartment just overwhelmed me Saturday, so I did a whole lot of nothing :( We own so much stuff and I don't want to throw out or Goodwill a lot of it, so my brain just shut down. It started when I attempted to dig out the catch-all corner next to my knitting chair in the bedroom. I realized there's a reason all that crap is there; I simply have no place else to put it at this time, not without an additional storage container of some sort. I couldn't nail down a solid reason behind the depression, but it was definitely there, because I slept a helluva lot. Sunday I rallied a bit, plowed through the kitchen, did all the laundry (and with a sprained toe! Clipped it good on a chair leg :(...

I'm definitely working through something, only wish it was a little more apparent. I think it has to do with getting healthy...my cardio appt is tomorrow, so naturally I downed 4 beers on Sunday and ate my body weight from Wendy's. Some of the laziest, most uncomfortable emotional eating I've ever done...shouldn't I be, like, too mature for that at this point? Apparently not...well, there's still hope for me though; I have Dr. Ornish's Reversing Heart Disease book waiting for me at the library, and I'm going to crack open that book 0n just where meat comes from in the US...that should keep me off the stuff for the foreseeable future. The Omnivore's Dilemma almost does the job on its own...it's a fantastic tome that delves into how different foods are processed nowadays (like how cage-free eggs aren't necessarily any better/actually might be worse than the usual kind, because instead of the chickens being kept in cages and their poop dropping into the abyss of a large area below...they're kept in a large concrete-floored room and allowed to wander freely...in their own crap.)

Off the next 2 days.....only one of 'em's voluntary...I'd stalled on hunting, but it's starting to look better again...this dry a spell of work is scary.

Autumn Equinox this weekend

I haven't celebrated a sabbat in I don't know how long...I asked off on Halloween (Samhain) so that I can spend the day with Dad, so to speak (veil between the worlds being thinnest and all that), but there's no reason not to celebrate this weekend too. I say that about Samhain, but really I'll be taking stock, since it's Pagan New Year...because in truth, I can talk to Dad whenever I want to. Had a nice conversation with him on the way to work this morning. I get that Dad's wishes were to be buried in CT, but I can't help wondering if in the back of his mind, he also wanted to be laid to rest there so that we wouldn't be able to visit him nearly as much. And I get that now, because it really isn't him there, just a place to remember him. And since I can remember him whenever, wherever I want to, what's the point...the idea's of the same vein when people were standing around in his hospital room saying their final goodbyes after he'd gone, and I just couldn't stick around in there...not just because I was in such blind shock from losing him, but because he really was gone from the room, all that was left was a shell, and I didn't see the point. May sound harsh, but I'm just now seeing how much of him I still have in me, and it ain't a bad thing.

Anyhoo, was checking out Dad's site because I was chatting it up with a friend (I am SUCH an Internet stalker...I knew Scott - the friend - in college and haven't seen him in oh, 15 years or so), and came across the photo on top right...this one's always knocked me out with how precious it is...Cyril's all of 2 years old, they're in the den area of the Silvermine Avenue house in Norwalk, there's a toybox and an ancient set of Lincoln Logs in the background. Time's a wild thing...Cyril is now 6'4" or 5", weighing in around 237, I think; has a son of his own...

Speaking of Hunter, next weekend's the Autism walk at the Jacksonville Zoo, and even though it's not Cyril's weekend, we're hoping he'll be able to come along. This weekend will be a putterer...hopefully I can hit some of the tasks that fell to the wayside last weekend when we were enjoying our apartment-cum-sweat-lodge. Les is going to want to spoil me silly because we did absolutely nothing for my birthday this year, but there's bills to be paid, so I'll keep us in line.

New day...again...

Got my wish...was sprung from work 2 hours early yesterday due to lackosites...instead of curling up though, I completely reorganized my jewelry box (which I've been wanting to do since getting the new earrings from Mom's jewelry show, and it meant tossing some stuff I've had around since high school, which given my tastes back then, was a very wise choice), took a shower, painted my nails, and relaxed. Couldn't get in a knitting mood for some reason, so I wisely steered clear of the sticks and string and just puttered. Should've cleaned the kitchen, but I was still in a semi-bad place so I actually practiced relaxing...you know, when you sit fully in a comfy chair and just let your mind drift. I'm hoping to start Dr. Ornish's diet and lifestyle this weekend, when we actually have a pinch of dough to buy suitable food, and one of the tenets of his plan is daily meditation/relaxation techniques.

And it's funny how the simplest things can set your mind in a better place...played with my hair after my shower, because I've been wanting to cut it shorter again, and realized with my seriously large and round face, I need to let it grow. This is a tough one...from about 8th grade to Leslie (a span of 20+ years) I was a short-haired gal (face wasn't quite as round back then), and I'm a low-maintenance person to begin with...and no matter how plain you make your hair as it's growing out, it's still high-maintenance. It's hitting that in-between point, just resting on the shoulders, where I lose patience frequently and have fantasies of shaving it off and dying my head purple. But I moved the bangs to the side last night, and I'm feeling better about it today. Probably helps that we're coming into winter, well, Florida's version of winter...I have a terrific head of hair if I do say so...nice and thick, albeit still healing from the stripping I gave it about 6 months ago (I will NEVER do that again with a home kit!), and most of the layers have grown out, so it doesn't POOF quite so badly around my ears. Just gonna have to use straightening product for a while longer, or shower at night and sleep on it so it cooperates.

Yes folks, she just spent a whole paragraph talking about her hair. Ah, whaddaya want, there's no sites in the queue again...should've brought my knitting :) Started the first panel for Les's sweater, that's no-brain knitting. I'm glad I started lace again too though; there's something soothing about knitting that requires brain activity. I still wonder at how I've found a craft hobby that doesn't frustrate me; never had that ability when I was younger. Crafting through modern medicine, I guess. Purling with Paxil :)

The ache

The most normal, everyday things set off the memories...actually it's not the memories necessarily, it's the knowledge of his absence. I was driving back from lunch just now (brought nice healthy soup and some granola bars from home, so naturally I hit the dollar menu at McD's), and I passed a brokedown car for the 2nd time today, on the right as you would exit 95. It's stuck in the bike lane, which isn't a real shoulder, so you have to merge around it just a bit as you drive past. Only one hazard light works, and I have to think that the battery will go soon, since it's been blinking since this morning. If it were me, I would've tied up traffic to try and push the car to the new hotel parking lot, so that there'd be less chance of it getting sideswiped. Probably foolhardy of me...but anyway, this train of thought brought me to Dad naturally, who loved crawling around engines and knew cars inside and out, who was always gently nagging me to watch my tires and get my oil changed. And the thing is, I can and will survive without that nagging...he taught me to change my own oil, and I enjoy looking over engines too, seeing how A plus B makes C run...but the very idea of not having that anymore, that solid person with that knowledge, is terrifying. The panic attack hit rather quickly, the car becoming a vacuum, and I had to swallow down the tears and gasping before heading back into work. It's an elusive thing, the grief...I can go for days at a time presently without it hitting me like that. I think about him everyday, but I'm able to function much more normally lately. Or so I think....it's a flawed gauge, I mean, I was doing fine the other day, but when I got home, I knew not to go anywhere near the new lace projects I started, because it was like asking for screwups.

Now I'm just drained and wishing I had the time to go home and curl up into a ball for a while. I miss him so much. 4 hours to go.

A bit lighter, how 'bout you?

Seriously, if I didn't lose like, 5 pounds of water weight this weekend, I'll be very surprised. I got home from the Heart Walk (which was a sweaty enough endeavor on its own) to discover the A/C was fading fast. Les is familiar with the signs, but since it was still reading low 70s when the guy came to look at it, he was unwilling to do anything at that time. It quit completely after he left; fan still worked, but blew lukewarm air, and we slept in an 85-degree apartment that night (if you can call waking up every hour drenched, sleeping). It stayed that way all of Sunday...we called the complex by 10 and miraculously they came out by 11ish, only to tell us that the condenser was shot and that if they leaned on the contractor, they'd hopefully be out by 5 with a new one. It was an absolutely miserable day; I finally went outside and read, because it was a pinch cooler outside. We broke 90 degrees in that apartment before they showed up yesterday afternoon with the new unit. The cats must've been worse off than us, but they found cool places to hang, like the kitchen floor and the tub, and Jordan's appetite was actually better while we dealt with the worst of the heat.

It took forever to cool back down, but the new unit appears to be doing the trick; last night's sleep was wonderful. Absolutely zero got accomplished thanks to our environmental difficulties, so I hope to tuck into some tidying tonight, as well as go for a walk. Started 2 new lace projects this weekend, in spite of the heat, and hope to get some time on those as well.

Delicious Friday

Thank goodness it's here...this week's been weird. It was so terrific to see everyone at KB last night, it actually brought me down as I was leaving. Two reasons behind that, I realize: it's tough to go meet people at an eating establishment when you can't afford to eat, and it also helped me realize how ready I am to do more challenging knitting again. Ruthee brought the Leaf Lace shawl to show off, and I'm just knocked out by how pretty it is. The autumny colorways of the Noro Silk Garden combined with that pretty pattern... she made an exquisite shawl, one I'd love to try myself. As for the lackomoney, it was another learning experience. We have a pinch of dough in the bank and I know Les wouldn't have begrudged me a soda, but when I got up to the counter, I just couldn't see sinking $1.50 or whatever on carbonated corn syrup and I wasn't in the mood for tea (because we drink it all the time at home), so I got water (which was rather vile, but I felt better about myself for doing it). These thin days are really educating me about money's value...I mean, when you're standing in a grocery aisle pissed because the $2.50 you're about to pay for maxi pads could be going toward food, it's a sign of something. The same goes for junk food; I'm not going to spend money on chips or chocolate when it could be going toward protein or veggies. These realizations are a long time coming...thank goodness I'm getting a clue.

I'll probably bear down on the Cascade bag this weekend, so I can be done with the silly thing, but with the walk and cleaning I have planned, it's sketchy as to if I'll actually get it finished. Going to rip out the Retro rib sox and start fresh.

Sleepy, bored, the usual...

Motor's running about 3/4 speed today...I've actually been busting tail the last 3 days making my numbers at work, so I think it's just brain crispyness...I start mentally wandering, as I'm checking my daily email and blogs, and I venture out into the fields, to pick the biggest rocks out of the smaller plot so that when I go over it with the harrow to start the winter crop, they won't dent or bend the blades.....Canada's venturing into jacket weather already, the lucky bastards...

I think I may come up against a significant block in my ability to garden this winter...the stability of the porch. Sylvester (the big aloe) is sitting on a crack in the concrete that spans the width of our little porch, and he's so heavy, the crack is actually starting to give a bit. Granted, our complex is 30+ years old and I doubt they've ever done any kind of remodel work on our porch since, but it's definitely an issue that needs to be addressed before I set out any fresh plants. I'm going to have to create a space in the dining area for the charcoal cooker, plants, and Les's bike, and get the complex maintenance guys to give it a good look-see. Yay. I'm going to try and do the main clearing and cleaning for that this weekend, so we don't let it go like we have the closet hardware. Ah, the closet hardware.....maybe that's all I should address this weekend...

Started the strap for the Cascade bag in a basic rib...not overly crazy about it, but not worried since I'm still planning to try felting this bag. I realized that the bag has been my next random project, given that stockinette in the round is a straight knit, so that's probably why I'm a touch thrown by the rib strap now that I've started it...I portioned off 14 stitches because I was originally going to do a basketweave (but I came to my senses), which means a rib that goes, 3-2-2-2-3, which isn't entirely a no-brain knit.

Saturday is the local American Heart Association Heart Walk. I didn't have the energy to fundraise overtly, but I'm walking with Mom in memory of Dad. If anybody's interested in donating, give me a shout. I managed to make it through yesterday without a meltdown, so I'm thinking that Saturday will be a little emotionally soggy. I just miss him.

I like this result

I'm actively blocking the fact that today's the 4-month mark for Dad, because this has actually been a decent week at work so far, and I'd like to keep it that way, so instead...

What kind of 'witch' are you?

You are a water witch. Beautiful and intuitive, you draw your power from the water. You can be tranquil and terrible at one and the same time and might be described as "moody." You appreciate literature and may be a poet/writer. Graceful and powerful as the water itself, the rest of us envy your ability to love and be loved by others.
Take this quiz!








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Sounds about right to me.

Quickie

Probably won't do Emerald with the mohair, too big a gauge difference...I'm pretty focused on the Cascade bag right now...frogged the Silk Garden idea in favor of knitting in a strap in the lilac wool, maybe in a simple small basketweave pattern, so that I'll only have one spot to stitch. I didn't like the idea of sewing all the straps on, just seems like you'd be dealing with weaknesses eventually. This way, hopefully, there's only one weak spot. I'll finish the body in another day or two.

Weather's almost pleasant today, breezy and warm. Another month or so and we might just be able to wear pants outdoors for longer than 10 minutes at a time.

New week.....again.....

It's a good Monday.

Birthday was fairly uneventful; went to Mom's for dinner and cake, got to hang with Hunter. It's so nice to know an autistic kid who's able to give hugs and kisses. I did a lot of knitting and relaxing this weekend, and I'm better for it. Finished the random wrap, which is a delightfully unruly mess of acrylic that wraps around me like a hug. I'm about 2/3rds done with the body of the Cascade bag...started some I-cord for the straps, but it's coming out awfully thin, so I'll probably a) switch yarns and/or b) switch from 4-stitch to 3-stitch and braid it instead.

I can tell it's going to be a good restless week, where a couple of things actually get accomplished. There's stuff to be organized, the house is a mess, the cat's not eating enough...in other words, the usual. I'm thinking exercise could actually occur again. I'm thinking of trying Emerald with the mohair I got last week, just might have to tweak the gauge. Caught a couple of decent movies on Saturday: Mirrormask, Wide Awake, and a sappy, guilty pleasure that I love from Hallmark, Follow the Stars Home. I want to get the high E restrung on my guitar and start playing again. I'm going to tell Les if he wants to save for something for my birthday, make it a bike. Why spend $60 on dinner at D & B's or someplace when we could invest in something that'd get me fit and save on gas? I'd love just a regular bike with a front basket so I could run the 1/4 mile to the store without the car. Time to make some lists...

I'm missing Dad this week, meaning I'm noticing my grieving shift to literally missing him, being ticked that he's not around, feeling robbed, aching that we didn't have more time. There's just no good reason why he shouldn't have been there yesterday at the house, sitting in his bar chair, watching TV backwards through his mirror while we ate dinner. I'm gently going to start harassing Mom for Dad's medical records, because I think I know what took him, and it so burns me that his cardiologist isn't willing to come out and say it. Mom says he kept going back to their inability to get his blood pressure stable, and I was like, hello, what controls the blood pressure though? The heart! He's blaming it on the cart when the horse is what had the broken leg...it's a metaphor, folks, work with me here...

Apprehension

Ok, so like, I know it must be safe...they've been doing nuclear stress tests for awhile now. And I certainly want the clearest possible pictures and results...I mean, we are talking about my heart health, potential to have kids, etc. But doesn't shooting radioactive material into me not once, but twice, smack of overkill? It's one of those Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park situations: just because we can do it, doesn't mean that we should.

Delicious, blissful Friday...nothing huge planned this weekend other than relaxing, knitting, tiny bit of cleaning...hope the weather's nice Sunday; I'd love to hit a park or the beach. That'll depend on gas $ tho', we're in real serious trouble finance-wise for 1 more pay period. :(

I think the weather's turned again already...weird. Not cool or anything, but not quite total summer either. I must be more tolerant this year, because it really feels like the only serious summertime we had this year was in August, and usually it's more like May, June, July, August, September....

Got a wonderful surprise in the mail the other day...3 GORGEOUS balls of mohair yarn from Alexa. Can't wait to settle down to a project with them; only trouble is deciding what to do. I'm chicken to do a full garment with yarn that fine, but at the same time, I'd rather make something to actually wear, rather than drape, because I know that yarn will feel SO good close to the skin...

Happy birthday to me!!

Rallying Wednesday

I'm starting to feel better again. Darnedest thing. I can feel that strength returning, which I wasn't even completely aware had vacated the premises until I realized I was rallying. Odd. The coffee tastes great this morning, the weather wasn't completely oppressive when I stepped out of the car, I'm working Mods, which I enjoy more than working regular sites. It's little things that add up to the simple pleasure of feeling better. Lord, please let it stick around today. The kitchen is in dire need of a cleaning, and Les is knocked flat with the weekly migraine. I may harness this feeling by making fresh lists of things I'd like to accomplish in the near future.

I'm nearing a stopping point on the brown yarn for the Cascade bag, so that got my attention last night. I want to work the Retro Rib socks, but I'm smartly holding off when I can tell my brain isn't in a pattern mood. Striped yarn hides screwups well, but that's no reason to plow forward when the brain ain't cooperating. So I put some rows on the Cascade bag, and I'm thinking of switching to the pink yarn for a stripe, and then the blue.

Echocardiogram was a combo plate of fascinating and scary. No reason for fear really; I've had ultrasounds before, and more invasive than that sucker (the vaginal one last year was a blast, she said sarcastically). I mainly lay there with my mouth open, struck dumb by how clearly you can see all the chambers and valves. The valves appeared to work beautifully; it was very cool to watch their precision...there's a beauty to it that just knocked me out. Heart seemed to be working awfully hard considering I was at rest, and I wasn't crazy about the wall thicknesses, but I'm pretty sure that's because it's specifically what concerns me (it's a big symptom of what killed Dad), and besides, there appeared to be plenty of room in all the chambers. So I'm not actually going to obsess about it, contrary to the appearance of this paragraph ::wry grin::. I have a nuclear stress test on Friday, and then I get to wait til the end of the month before going over the results with Dr. Ashchi, so I may as well relax and concentrate on losing some of this weight, so the heart doesn't have to work as hard.

Birthday's Sunday...it's harder to get jazzed about it when you know you can't celebrate it in any material fashion, and that in itself is kind of sad, and worthy of introspection. Usually I don't want much more than a nice dinner, but knowing we can't even do that this year makes it kind of ho-hum. I have some earrings and a pin coming from Mom's jewelry party later this month, so that'll be nice. Otherwise, I just hope to get outside for a walk, and indulge in knit and Les time.

Weird weekend

Not bad, not great, just blah...Saturday morning was spent knitting feverishly to get a baby hat done for the shower I was attending that afternoon. And I must say, it was the best hat I've done so far, because I actually paid attention to the directions, so it didn't end up with a nipple on top. The shower was nice, a really small group, and I got to fill my eyes with the mom's belly and her beautiful 3-year-old boy. Belly's definitely grown since I saw her a month ago, thank goodness...they've lived on tenterhooks since June, worrying that the little guy would come early, and she's still on daily IV nutrition. But it's questionable whether he'll deliver naturally, because he shows no interest in dropping like kids do in the 9th month. They're small people in stature; their little guy is the size of an 18-month old...but he chatters and tests his parents like any kid that age, anything stick-sized becomes a light saber in his hands, and it finally dawned on me that his straight sandy hair and demeanor remind me of Haley Joel Osment in his early, early films, like Forrest Gump and Bogus.

Sunday, was up at a decent hour to bake zucchini bread for the KB get-together (which was scrummy, and I can't wait to try the same recipe substituting apples for zucchini). The get-together was, again, nice; it's relaxing just being able to hang out and knit with friends. Les came along, and it was comfy enough...but there's still something going on in the back of my head...I don't know if it's Dad or just my social insecurities...I mean, I occasionally feel that way at KB still, and I've hung out with these people for years now. Plus, the Fiber Freak wasn't able to make it, and she holds a special place in my heart. This has been a busy summer for all, and between gas prices and family obligations, our weekly visits to Panera or someplace have become few and far-between. I'm hoping now that kids are back in school, the scheduling that's forced to occur in families will actually allow people to designate that time better again.

Monday was a lazy day...I wanted to clean, but it just didn't happen. There's something going on in my head that demands attention...I even spent a little time looking at and writing in my grief journals. Mainly I knitted, watched SVU reruns, and realized that all my dreaming about owning our farm and learning about agriculture, while certainly positive and doable, is also one of my oldest defense mechanisms at work: dreaming about the future in order to avoid the present. I realized that yesterday with an "oh crap" parting-of-the-clouds type of mo......it's classic Melanie avoidance at work.....in college, I dreamt of getting out to keep myself from facing my depression and shitty grades...when I was at AMC, I dreamt of moving somewhere else, like Atlanta, not getting that I'd be trading one hell for another (it's very likely one reason I was so eager to move around those first years after college...from Jacksonville, to Tampa, to Fort Myers, to Jacksonville...interesting that I ended up back home, when I never considered my family to be that great of a support structure back then). So that's getting some attention this week in my head, trying to find a happy medium between dreaming and dealing, as I also deal with attaining my next clean bill of health (echocardiogram and nuclear stress test to make sure my heart's ok) and getting back on a food-and-exercise regimen. I can still dream, but if it's keeping me from dealing with the ache; then I've got some work to do.