Manic Monday

Lunch: homemade chili, homemade bread...REALLY tasty, but definitely needed sour cream...I enjoyed it all afternoon sans the white stuff. Need to work on the Coke still. Need that caffeine edge to get me through the afternoon. The book is my attempt to teach myself Dreamweaver. The lunch bag's an oldie of Les's...worked for them a whole 2 months before they laid him off. Used to be a subprime of B of A, pretty sure it's defunct now...good riddance.

Gotta work on the plastic too...I'm finally no longer microwaving in plastic, but storing stuff in it is going to have to be a work in progress.

Digression: I've never actually been diagnosed manic, thank goodness, just marked depressive with a hint of bipolar that can be explained away by my lithium deficiency. Still, it makes me wonder after the energy I had this past weekend...well, shouldn't really wonder, since I've been off the lithium for 2 years now...and I've integrated the caffeine back into my life...but...heh...anyway...

On Saturday, I hit the library in the morning and then did the grocery shopping. That in itself is more than I normally accomplish in an average weekend. Usually by Sunday night I've spent the weekend indoors, am quite depressed, and haven't the energy to pull off a shop, let alone laundry. The weather turned cool here, so we opened the windows Friday night and kept 'em open all weekend...what a nice difference! I went with Mom in the afternoon to one of the local dog parks so the little runt could run around (her dog, not my mom), and the strong breezes and sunshine helped fuel me, and continued to stir things inside of me.

Yesterday was hilarious. I was up at a decent hour and puttering. Cleaned the kitchen and thought out what I wanted to do. It was a tall order: bake a batch of toll houses, bake bread, make meatballs from scratch for grinders while we watch the Super Bowl on and off that evening, and throw together a pot of chili. When I realized I was ahead of the game and couldn't stop, I made applesauce muffins too. In between tasks, I did the tax return and the laundry. Cleaned as I went, all the way...kitchen's still spotless. Made a mistake or two, but no disasters. Took the bread out a pinch too soon after the 2nd rise and the towel covering it was sticking to the tops, so when I pulled it off, they dropped in height quite a bit. Need to find a means of covering rising dough that doesn't stick to it...I've noticed this problem before. Been a while since I made bread from scratch though, so I was just tickled to be doing it, plus I'm discovering the wonders of letting yeast do its thing...makes for a much more friendly dough for kneading.

FINALLY settled down for some TV time...geez, wasn't really until after 9 p.m. Put away leftovers and still wasn't ready to slow down, so I retreated 2 of the cast iron pans I inherited from my mom when she moved and downsized. The smell was a bit much after 40 minutes, so I killed the oven and am hoping it did the trick. I knit on the neverending sock until I hit the point for kitchener stitch, which I knew I didn't have any energy or brain power left to deal with...hopefully tonight during "House."

I was a good girl and took breaks, but my body's still protesting today. Or maybe it was the 2 beers I enjoyed while the Saints handed Manning his rear end. Was very glad for New Orleans...as a Jags fan, I'm no fan of the Colts; they may be AFC, but once you've been destroyed on the field once or four times by them, it's hard to be sportsmanlike. Plus the whole Cinderella story of the Saints is nice...almost wore my Mardi Gras beads to work, but chickened out.

Was awake by 5 a.m., and the body was achy enough where I could tell sleep would be a toss-and-turn proposition, so I rolled over, flipped on the light, and read the gem of my library finds: Made from Scratch by Jenna Woginrich. Holy cow, is she inspiring me! I read until 7, took a shower, made my coffee start earlier, fixed myself breakfast, and took it to my wing chair where I could push back the bedroom curtain and enjoy the fresh air while I continued reading. Still leaving the TV off in the mornings. Loving the quiet.

One Small Change update n' other stuff

image from a Barns calendar

Small changes will lead to bigger changes. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

January was tough; I was nailed with a head cold, some stress about the cardiac tests I'm having done, and work was abysmal. But the book boxes are stacked nicely in the dining area, the Goodwill/Hubbard House box is overflowing, and I've started to clean. That's a biggie.

Technically, that's February, since the desire to scrub overcame me this past Sunday (edit: heh...just realized Sunday was January, my bad). I spent 2 hours unfilthing the kitchen, and by some miracle, it's still in that condition. It's inspired me to declutter the bedroom, and the bar and dining area will be getting the same treatment this weekend.

For One Small Change, I thought about just continuing with January's goals, since there's still plenty of work there, but I'm realizing the itch to recycle is growing. So sometime this month, I will be purchasing a cheap plastic bin for recyclables. When it fills up, I'll go to the disposal location on Philips. There's just no excuse to let it overflow or to put dirty stuff in the bin. That was kind of an issue last time, but now that I'm on this cleaning kick, there's no stopping me!

Well, that's the hope anyway :)

So January was purging, February will be recycling. And spreading out the cleaning. Cool.

I discovered Cold Antler Farm this week, and it's awakened something inside of me. Where has she been all my 30s? I wake up in the morning and think about being grumpy or rolling over for another 15, and then I think, suck it up, she's been up for 2 hours already and the animals are fed. I'm realizing what I want is a hobby farm. I don't aspire to huge numbers of livestock...just some sheep for wool, chickens for eggs, a large garden. Dogs too, big ones :)

But for now, catching up and getting us moved. I'm doing the taxes this weekend, and gods willing, will catch up and stop the damn borrowing cycle we've been on for over a year. The relief that will bring...

New week

One Small Change update coming soon.....

for now, have totally fallen in love with yet another blog...

My name is Melanie and I have barnheart.

Docs (and Happy Friday!)

Photo courtesy of Famous Footwear

Kind of a tough week...weaned off caffeine again, so i'm tired more...scrambling for work at work, trying to stay ahead...waiting for answers to health questions that won't be broached for another 2 weeks still...running out of dough...so, the usual.

But my wonderful mommie got me these babies last weekend, and they came in the mail yesterday. I'm paying her back in installments, god bless her. I've been wearing my New Balance to work for ages, or a pair of the ugliest oxfords I've ever owned...the kind of shoes where you buy them and then spend the next X months/years berating yourself and wondering what the hell you were thinking when you threw money down on them, because they're so ugly...of course, there are those who think the same about Docs probably...

I bought my first Docs in college and I'd still be throwing a little polish on 'em and wearing them if I hadn't literally grown out of the damn things...they were a little small to begin with, so when my feet finally caved to the weight on my bod and grew a bit, the old Docs were no longer feasible. I've been lost in the shoe department for the last year, bouncing between the ugly oxfords, a pair of mocs that offered less than zero support even with my orthotics, or dress or athletic sneaks. Then the dress sneaks wore out. And the money's never there for clothes or shoes.

I'm so jazzed to have a new pair of Docs! I call 'em my butt kicking shoes. Or a desperate attempt to cling to my youth. I mean, it's not like I go clubbing anymore. But they're comfy and look cool, and last for-frickin'-ever, so I'm so grateful to Mom for helping me with the investment.

As for the weekend, Les is finally feeling better, getting energy back after the flu, so we're cleaning house!

Not a lot to report...

but feeling the need to ramble...

Work still slow...

Having a fresh flexible spending account for medical stuff means I'm getting some testing and issues taken care of...more on that later...dentist tonight, bleh!

Crock potted a roast last night, pretty closely based on smitten kitchen's southwestern brisket recipe...I'll let ya know how it turned out.

Haven't been knitting...it's been weeks actually...not sure what the problem is there.

Time still marching rather quickly...can't believe we're almost done with January. Weather's turned pleasant here.

It's so funny how my memory fetches up stuff...realized last night that I've been missing 2 blogs from my side list, and this morning, another one popped into my head while I was trolling. Welcome back to Two Frog Home, Throwback at Trapper Creek, and the Tiny Farm blog!

my god, the boredom!

I'm grateful to be employed, I'm grateful to be employed...

Sales have been dead since the holidays. Holy crap, it's boring! We scrabble for sites like crabs on a feeding frenzy, and it's extra frustrating when you do grab a site, only to have to send it back to copywriting/design because it's unfinished.

It's helping motivate me to punch up the ole resume and really look at the different fields I want to try for up nawth. I'm not just looking at web design/editing...yes, it's where the bulk of my experience lies, but if I can't find work in that field, I'm also looking at technical writing, print editing/writing, medical clerical, bagging groceries, Starbucks barista...OK, the last ones may be a stretch to pay the bills, but you get the idea...leaving the ole options open. Although...

Finally over the whiny, snotty cold...Husby got a variant of it naturally, so he's useless right now. That sounds mean; I just mean I can't nag him to do the dishes or clean up around his table when he's feeling extra-miserable. I want to SCRUB the house this weekend; it needs it so badly. Also continuing to consolidate...made good progress in my head last weekend, but it has that whole "tiny tip of the iceberg" feeling.

Love that the meal plan concept kind of worked this week. Keys to its continued success include weekly planning and not making too much food. We have limited freezer storage and I don't can yet. The tuna casserole I made this week was too big for the 2 of us, and unfortunately will result in wasted food. Live and learn.

Got a really nice surprise...for some unidentifiable reason, my electric company applied our deposit toward our bill, so we're in the black with them until next month. We may live paycheck to paycheck, but for some reason, life hands us lemonade when we need it.

Weather's back to normal down here. Hard to get pissy about it when the sun's out and it's pushing 70. I'm finally thinking about growing things again...found the seeds I got from last year's Green Expo, and hope to spend some time this weekend planning what I can grow between now and September. Another full-of-promise weekend :)

Recently crossed off "to-do" list...

1. Created fresh floor space in bedroom.
2. Unearthed kitchen from weeks' worth of dirty dishes.
3. Unearthed dining area, reorganized a box or three.
4. Planned or created meals that will last as leftovers for the rest of the week (tuna casserole last night, shepherd's pie tonight...we won't discuss the disaster that was the white chicken chili...::sigh::).

The Goodwill/Hubbard House box still sits in the living room, accumulating excrement. I'm going to hang the bedroom curtain this week if it kills me. Clearing some dust collectors off the top spaces in the bedroom, disappearing some things, tossing some others...

Got an offer from one of the collection agencies that would help the ole credit score if I took them up on it...gotta find a way to make that work. August coming too quickly!

Feels so good to be feeling better after the whiny, miserable head cold...will feel even better once I'm past the medical tests I'm getting done tomorrow.

Haiti

I know I really only have a little handful of readers, but prayer isn't enough.

Here's a list of fellow bloggers who have information/links on how/where to donate to assist in Haiti's recovery:

Yarn Harlot
Pioneer Woman (incredibly generous giveaways/donations)
Soule Mama
Wendy Knits

And kudos to this blogger, who posted about the above links too, and sent her prayers, healing energy out to the blogosphere:

beauty that moves

Such a simple thing, spreading the word.

Edit and icon: beauty that moves went one better...a wonderful group was started at Etsy: Craft Hope for Haiti. She donated 20 of her prints to the group, with 100% of the proceeds benefiting Doctors without Borders. There's a pile of neat stuff from other crafters as well. Go check 'em out!

Random grumblings and snotty nonsense

Geez, colds suck. I guess I haven't had one in ages, because yesterday was just the most miserable day I've had in I don't know how long...

They make Puffs tissues with the Vicks vapor stuff built in. I find this both helpful and hilarious.

I call them Dad colds. Dad and I both used to get colds that were attached to one eye. You get tingles in your nose and then both that nostril and the corresponding eye run. It's a blast. Weird thing is, with Dad, it was the right eye; with me, it's the left. That's also my lazy eyelid, so I end up looking like I'm on drugs or something. Which I kind of am. Been trying several remedies since the shocker that Drixoral is no longer on the market in the States (yeah, that'll stop the home manufacturing of crystal meth, good call, jackasses)...the Sudafed non-drowsy 12-hour was good for keeping me awake and relieving the sinus headache, but disappointing in the nose department. Today I'm trying Publix's brand of Claritin, but I think the Zicam chewables and sleep are doing the most good. Crashed for 2 hours when I got home yesterday, and slept a lot better last night. Patience...thank goodness the week is coming in for a landing.

Haiti...I wish I could donate. I wish I could fly down there and help. Bandage a wounded person, hold someone in my arms while they cry. I've felt a special something for Haiti ever since Oprah "discovered" Edwidge Danticat 15ish years ago and spotlighted Breath, Eyes, Memory in her book club. Danticat writes haunting novels; she's a tremendous talent.

That said, anyone of the Christian persuasion who comes out and says that Haiti's getting what they deserve is a flaming asshole. There oughta be a special voodoo doll out there with Pat Robertson's name on it this morning. Close-minded, self-righteous moron.

Had my aversion to the death penalty tested for about 5 minutes yesterday. My mom came really close to being a juror in a high-profile trial here in town this week. Back in 2006, an 8-year-old girl was murdered in a drive-by shooting. The story goes that she died because she shielded her young cousins with her body when she heard the bullets start flying. Three brothers are standing trial for her murder with at least 2 up for potential death penalty sentencing, because this is Florida after all, and we're trying to catch up with Texas. But it's one of those stories that makes you wince, and wish you could beat the suspects to a bloody pulp yourself...or it tests your humanity by making you wish that they at least get life in prison so that they have years of being butt-raped to look forward to. That can't be a thought much more humane than pro-death penalty. But then I gave it a real think, a step-back think, and my pacifism is intact. Killing bad people doesn't stop the killing, any more than incarcerating them for the rest of their lives does. But the peace I believe in and search for won't happen in my lifetime, or my children's children's lifetimes likely, so we do the best we can for now. If that keeps me off juries in the future because I can't shove a needle into somebody, so be it.

Heh, did I call Pat Robertson self-righteous earlier? Better take a glance in the mirror after this post /:)

::sigh::

nothin' like realizing AFTER you've pulled your shirts all the way up for the EKG, that you really should've shaved your pits that morning...

may be a low post week...I hab a code :(

Wrap up of first week

Yeah, kind of snoresville. But I'm learning to not always use the flash and my hand's steadier.

Neat stuff from these pics...

1) That's not the moon in the top pic, it's a light reflection.

2) I keep the CPU on top of my desk because I don't have a cord long enough on my earbuds, and I sometimes need the earbuds to check vid and audio on sites.

3) Yes, that's a Starbucks Christmas ornament at the far left in front of the penguin :)

4) Yes, that fourth pic is a closeup of one of my cube wall shots...from an old Greenpeace calendar, I think it's a shot of the Cumberland Valley mountains.

Now I have to get off this blasted computer and go unearth the dining room...again...bleh!

Blog Lovin'

I love blogs. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them, it turns out. Some people (heh, Husby in partic) wonder how I can spend so much time on a computer, but it's the easiest thing in the world when you come across a blog you like. You read down a little, troll the archives, and then check out the blogs that appeal to that person and wham-o, you're at another blog that strikes your fancy and sets things stirring in your head and heart. Something that speaks to another part of your creative muse or your soul or something, and gets you dreaming about projects and food and other wonders of life...Waldorf wonderfulness and canning and living authentically and sustainably and...

So I've been trolling today, searching for blogs I may have missed when I rebuilt the list at right, and coming across even more that I look forward to reading at my leisure, mucking up my work numbers and filling my head with delightful dreams...

Welcome to:
exhale. return to center.
Small Measure
Design*Sponge
Food in Jars
Confessions of a Locavore
Smitten Kitchen
Honey & Jam
Chiot's Run

They're listed on the right; go check 'em out. CANNOT WAIT to get home and play some more... :)
Have a great weekend, y'all! More pics coming...

Change

For no reason other than my scatty brain needing a change, I switched my URL to http://embermadrone.blogspot.com/. I'm over lighthouses and hoping to expand on the ole blog this year in content, images, etc., so figured my pagan name was more encompassing...or something...

Happy Friday, y'all! Got to work 2 hours ago, and have yet to edit a site...gotta love the holidays for destroying productivity.

Edit: ACK! Changing URL deleted all my blog faves, but left the regular site faves. Had to add them back from memory...pretty sure I missed one or three. Ah well...

One Small Change

I talk a good game, but my follow-through usually needs work. I want so badly to live differently, to do better at living simply, helping the environment, making the world better, but at the end of the day, I let life wear me down and do nothing. Accountability helps a lot in this area, I find, and the new year with all its glorious promise beckons me to make small changes.

I've made some small strides. I use reusable grocery bags all the time now...if I forget to put them in the car, I buy new. All our house lights are running on CFLs, which I love...it's a softer light and of course, so much longer lasting. Unfortunately, the recycling fell away sometime last year, as did planting my own food, and there are other areas of our life that could use some work too.

One Small Change by Hip Mountain Mama looks like a nice way to make myself accountable.

January is going to be about purging, paring down the massive detritus that has accumulated in our apartment over the last 11 years. Clothes and other products will go to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or the local thrift stores. We have both Goodwill and Salvation Army thrift stores close by. I will throw away as little as possible in this area, instead making the effort to thrift or freecycle things. The space that results from this purge will allow me to reintroduce recycling into the apartment in February—one of our problems with it last time, was just not having spare room for a bin. Literally, our place is filled with crap...every spare corner or wall is taken up with boxes, furniture, etc. Having the recycling bin in the foyer was inconvenient and messy.

This purge will tie in with the other new tag on this blog, Accomplish Your Dreams. Thanks to One Green Generation for this piece of motivation. I've talked for years about moving out of Florida, but my inability to organize or save well enough, coupled with our credit issues, has kept us in this crazy sauna of a state (this week notwithstanding...man, I'm loving the cold weather!). So I'm making myself accountable for the move here too. So far, it's working...I'm using my planners and reacquainting myself with the concept of to-do lists (which fell off long ago in spite of my Virgo status). I'm thinking hard about the types of jobs I'm going to try for in the Carolinas. I'm also taking steps to attend to my health, which will help us on the road to another dream: parenthood.

Tall orders, but I look ahead with confidence and feel strong.

6 January

Today I remember my grandma, whose birthday was today. She left us for Summerland back in 1988. Ironically, today's picture showcases a landscape print in the background by my other grandma, Nanie :)

Still wired from dentist visit earlier...

Dentist chair

Pre-chair:
1. I hope my breath doesn't smell like coffee.
2. Crap, did i get the googles out of my eyes this morning?!...whew, looks good.
3. Please don't let there be anything hanging out of my nose.
4. This music keeps transporting me back to prom.

In chair:
OK, she knows about the cracks in the teeth on that side, she'll be careful, I told her about my aversion to the iron hook, well the waterpic thing she's using isn't bad, WHOA except there, well this doesn't seem too bad except the music ain't getting any better, and yup, sure enough, they're actually playing the theme song from the ole prom now, geez i'm old, well maybe this won't be too bad if she just uses this thing, lord, people could write entire books about dentist chair anxiety, and I bet shrinks could study the mental process of how easy it is to neglect visits and cause yourself more pain, like how women don't remember all the pain of being pregnant, yeah that's probably a load too, but at least she's finishing up...oh hell, she IS going to use the iron hook, great, time to visualize and remove yourself mentally from the chair to distract yourself from how nails-on-a-blackboard the iron hook on your teeth makes you feel, i bet zen buddhists don't have trouble in the chair, see, can't wrap your mind around that scenario either, i could think of it as character building or something, having to go through this, but is there a way to separate character from ego to make it a zen experience, since zen is all about removing ego from the equation, sonofabitch that hook is sending my spine 'round the bend, and now she's commenting on how I need to get cleanings every 6 months to ensure the cleanings aren't this uncomfortable, yeah, no shit, sherlock, but after Dad died, it's like everything went on hold for a solid year and then took another year to thaw out, and now here we are with 2 potential crowns and how many cavities to deal with, crap, we could kill 2/3rds of my flexible spending account on my teeth alone, never mind that Husby has a mouthful of stubs rotting out of his mouth, dammit, I need a better job...finally, she's done, bringing the chair back up and wow, been holding a bit of tension in my whole body, huh, can feel it in arms, legs, neck, dang, I need to shake out and I've had to pee for a half hour...

Post-chair:
1. Where the hell's the money going to come from, I'm going to have to ignore the fillings...
2. Mental shopping list: new toothpaste, ACT
3. Man, I'm wired, wish I could run around the building a couple of times to burn this off...
4. Where the hell's the nearest Starbucks?

4 January - Back at work

Ah, the joys of ownership...had a nice shot of my work desk, but realized it showed proprietary info too clearly on my computer. So you have to settle for a neat angle, some granola, and the moon setting. Apparently there's a black swan somewhere around our complex...hope I can get a shot!

2 January

Where my head's at, in that order. :)

1 January a day late...(with the usual verbal diarrhea)

I want to try my hand at photo essaying this month. I think it'll help motivate me in the cleaning department, steady my hand with the ole point and click, and give me different perspectives on things. Going to try just photos sometimes if I can...don't know how the writer in me will keep from commenting though. Example: top pic is, of course, the Figmeister, doing what cats do. Lower pic illustrates my current state nicely: the new Vera Bradley from Mom (must snatch up more Caffe Latte prints before they're retired! It's a sickness!); the amazing wicker case from LilSisinlaw, which I'm thinking of using as a lunchbox at work; and the portfolio behind them, which will be used this year to plan the move.

It's probably good my brain was taken up with the task of tending to a 22-month-old yesterday...kept me from getting too contemplative. Sweet kid, didn't give me a lick of trouble, and I was paid handsomely for my efforts. Thank goodness. Amazing and humbling the relief that comes with a little dough...

But resolutions aren't a bad thing...they force you to take a look at yourself and your life, beat some dust out of your mental rugs, and move forward with new determination. I see some folks calling them what they are: goals. Think I'll take a stab at that too...that way they won't be broken nearly as easily.

Life is one big work in progress. Yeah, ok, not exactly profound. But we've been existing in this rut for so long, it's comfortable, and that's just not acceptable. I look around our dusty, smoky, cluttered apartment and I know it's not healthy, and that we can be happier, with hard work and goal setting. So what better time?

Never had a year go by as quickly as 2009 did. It's unsettling. Pretty sure it helped with the grieving process, the getting-by-without-Dad, but otherwise, it kind of blows. I'm a year older, still sans children, and we're in an apartment that oughta be condemned or fireblasted or something...

And this was going to be a low-word-count post ::chuckles::

As for the goals:

1. Catch up financially. Start saving.

2. Travel to NC in February, April, June, July, and August. Move top of September.

3. Find new job(s). Motivate husband to do same.

4. Continue eating healthy and exercising. Start walking and yoga on regular basis.

Hey, whaddaya know, I did keep it short. Left "get pregnant" off the list, because it's not something that falls under the category of "I have significant control over this and can make it happen." I'm learning patience, I'm eating better (sort of), dropping some weight, we can time things perfectly, and nature still may not bless us. So I'm stepping back a pinch mentally, or trying to.

And of course, I have the little goals...I want to continue knitting socks, finish the pullover sweater and start a cardigan, knit a pullover for Husby, and get craftier big time. I want to stop telling myself I can't draw and start just doing it. I want to sew more.

Those are big goddamn goals. Thing is, in this economic climate, where credit reports are taking a backseat to being able to pay your bills, the move is actually doable. We have lousy credit, but no evictions, more than 10 years in the same home, and as long as we can find work that'll pay the rent, I'm confident we can find a landlord/management company willing to work with us. Probably a bit wide-eyed, but catching up is going to be hard enough...time to get planning.

Random snippets

Did NOT gain weight over the holidays!!!

Slept like crap last night, but trying not to think about it...staying up to watch ball drop and babysitting tomorrow at 10 a.m., so it behooves me to live in denial.

Was going to offer to take small person to local park, but looks like weather may not cooperate...

Back at work...they moved our desks while I was gone. Have a window seat now for first time in ages. Loving the natural light. Sales are scary-dry...makes me glad we're past the holiday season. We had to kill time in a meeting for an hour and a half this morning, just so the queues could fill up on our end. That grateful thing (about work) is easier to take, when the queues are that dry. Praying we get busy again soon...

FYI: Homemade fudge keeps for more than a week in the fridge...made butterscotch last Monday and it's still in fine shape, no separating or flavor difference. This could be a dangerous development, as this stuff was way easy to make >:)

Contemplative

I've lost track of time being off work so long, almost forgot Lil Bro's birthday yesterday...we don't speak enough, so that would've sucked, but I did manage to send him a singing voicemail that parodied Cat Ballou ("Happy birthday, dear Frankie...")...yeah, ok, inside joke...anyway, since I work New Year's Eve and then am babysitting New Year's Day, I'm trying to get some thinking in now, that pensive, dreamy thinking that occurs this time of year, when the new year is before you all full of promise and whatnot...

Started new socks for MIL...any sock pattern that calls for size 1s is just lying to you, i don't care what it says...size 1s are for baby stuff, nothing else, in my book.

I want to move this year. That ain't news.

I try to do this thinking around Samhain, which pagans/witches consider to be their New Years', but it's hard to fight the ole Gregorian calendar.

I want to get pregnant. That ain't news either, just gets more pressing the older I get.

I'm going to eat healthier and exercise more. I know now that I have that in me.

I want to make more things by hand.

The apartment needs a major purge.

Keeping it short, because those are all big ideas.

I'm so grateful for all the blogs I read...this Internet thing has been such a blessing for women my age, give or take, such a great outlet for sharing ideas. I learn so much everyday.

There's no place like home

Happy holidays, y'all! I'm pretty sure the new top graphic is from the holly family...the inlaws have a couple of bushes in front of their house in SC. The other pics are randoms from our trip. The niece is still beautiful, though four days of excitement and questionable parenting did bring out her colors. As I'm fond of saying, I'm ready to have my own children to worry about, so I can stop judging certain people for how they're raising theirs.

Thinking of being more seasonal about the top pic...had some fun experimenting with the ole point and click this trip.

We survived and are glad to be home. I got spoiled as usual, got some new clothes, jewelry, and a neat wicker box that I'm still deciding how to use. They discovered the beauty of secondhand this year too, which made me feel a little better about all the regifting that occurred...got a gorgeous red and black patterned jacket that Mom J found at a secondhand store for a steal.

The damn socks didn't fit, so they'll end up going to the niece. I made the gussets too tight and the foot too short. Live and learn. BAH!

I'm still fried...the trip was 6 hours back thanks to construction and holiday traffic. Thanking gods I don't have to work until Thursday. I'm babysitting, of all things, for a family friend on New Year's, which should net me a nice chunk of change, which is great because things are still sphincter-tight around here financially.

Man, it's nice to be home.

Learned a lot about myself this season, how I want to celebrate the holidays. How good it feels to give of yourself. My inlaws' neighbors came by Christmas Eve with a centerpiece as a gift, and it felt so good to have pumpkin bread to give them. That's what the holidays are about.

Random musings as we count down...

What the frick is a sugarplum? Wikipedia probably knows...

Ohmygoodness, but I have to stop drinking.....I'm pretty much a social drinker; it's not like I'm grabbing a beer every night after work or keep a bottle in the house. I'm not worried about becoming a friend of Bill W. But Lil Sis and I together killed a large bottle of Mer-lot last night, and the ensuing vertigo was another wake-up call from my pancreas, I fear. The good news is the holiday gluttony can't be justified much longer, and my concerns should keep me from getting completely toasted at the inlaws and shoving my large foot in my mouth.

Managed to pack this morning without making myself late for work...didn't even have a headache, which is surprising because I was flying too high to remember to take Advil before bed.

I wish we had one more night here. Meara heads back to Orlando before we get back from SC :( My cup runneth over when I get to hang out with her. Loved the look on her face when she saw all the cookies in her gift and the promise of more...I was bummed that I haven't gotten to try out so many of the cool recipes I discovered this season, so I'm giving myself an excuse to bake once a month and sending her a baker's dozen. Will probably try and theme 'em too. We had a blast at Mom's...dinner and gifties and National Lampoon's Christmas on AMC. They got us a brand-new microwave! And there's a pretty scarf around my neck today and a new Vera Bradley over my shoulder :)

Can I please stay home this holiday and play with my new microwave?

Ah well, SC won't be that bad...Les and I have each other for breathers from the back-biting that occurs there, and I'm thinking with the exception of Christmas Day, the time will go by fast. I have a new portfolio from Mom too, a hand-me-down with fresh calendar sheets for turning my dreams of the move next year into reality.

I'm entering the land of dial-up tonight, so won't post again until New Year's Eve, unless I escape to the library while we're in SC...Happy Holidays everyone! Send me some snow!

Countdown

Man, it's coming up fast. Thankfully, my ducks are in a row, only one or two sneaking out of line occasionally, the little shits...

Making my list of stuff to pack today...tonight we're doing Christmas early with Mom and Meara, because we head to the wilds of SC tomorrow night right after work. Two batches of cookies and one batch of fudge still to do...I'm not entirely certain everything's getting cooked here anymore. Don't want to shorten our time with Mom and Meara tonight, plus there will be wine /:)
...thinking toll house and fudge may wait til Thursday. Thankfully, that fudge recipe really was easy (and holy-crap yummy!), and I can make toll houses in my sleep...

beauty that moves reminded me of tiny happy's idea for a last-minute gift...right up my alley for something extra for the MIL...just gotta gather materials...wonder if Joann's would have a doily?

Getting in the spirit

Chilly here now...30s at night, 50s during day. Windows open full time :)

I set out today on this shortest day of the year wearing my green hat, purple curly scarf...got complemented on the hat and was proud to say I'd knitted it myself. Keeping my hair down to warm the ole ears...

Freezer full of pound cake, cookie dough in the fridge. Body was wiped out by evening, but I'm rallying today for round 2. Tonight, cookies, wrapping pressies, looking ahead. To a holiday season that doesn't require extended travel. To the 2 days off I have once we get home. Yeah, OK, I'm grousing...I know I'll enjoy seeing everyone, and lord knows I'll enjoy being up there (my grass, my trees, the niece...). But it's also motivating...would love a holiday where we spend a day instead of several, where I don't have to worry about the cat being alone...we clean her litter before we go, place clean water and treats in several places, and she feeds from a silo, but still...

This season is teaching me frugality, patience, and quite a bit about how I want to celebrate the holidays, whether we have children or not. I want the tree up next year. I want to observe pagan Advent, Yule, and Christmas. I want to make more gifts...the sewing machine never even made it out this year. Not beating myself up over that, but as I see what we've purchased vs. what I've made in the gift department, it's a strong motivator. Trolling the evil big box store on Saturday for last-minute gifts rang false and hasty...was entirely necessary this year, with the way we've been living paycheck to paycheck though, so feeling bad about it is useless. I also may start shopping for staples there...can't stand the thought of contributing to that place, but the fact is the money we save there could go toward the move in some way, so I'm willing to sacrifice my pride and principles for a pinch.

So I sit here, pondering Yule, with my Santa pin on my shirt and my wreath earrings in, and I think about the sun god, the nativity story, and the hope of enjoying the wonder of the season with our own children someday...

Notes from a baking frenzy

Ah, not really a frenzy...actually I'm quite chilled about the whole thing. Enjoying myself, taking it a step at a time...even looking ahead. Made the snickerdoodle dough today to get it out of the way, because while I'm not baking cookies until Monday and Tuesday evening, a huge chunk of Tuesday evening will be spent celebrating with my side of the fam (eeeee!), so that evening will be kind of a scramble. We leave for SC Wednesday night after work and will be gone until Monday. I could throw together the 2nd batch of cookies in SC, but I'd rather not add to the chaos while we're there. I'm also doing all our laundry here, not bringing any with us. The house really ain't big enough for the amount (or ages) of people that live in it now, so having us there pushes it just over the edge.

I'm rolling with the ideas as they come to me...had my selections picked out, but spotted a recipe that I thought would modify nicely to about half-diabetic, so threw it together for my mom...hey, it ain't the holidays if you can't experiment on your family members :)

Dad's with me today as I work.....I'm putting the eggs into individual small Pyrex dishes before adding them to recipes, ensuring everything's sans shells (which naturally means I'm cracking eggs with the precision of a master chef and haven't seen a shell all afternoon), and I'm cleaning as I go. Really, it would be virtually impossible to pull this off unless I clean as I go, as my kitchen is galley and quite limited in counterspace, but still...the useless ark of a former microwave still sits on our counter, but I'm thinking Husby will be prodded awake later to send that sucker to its final reward, so I can enjoy that pinch of counter while I have it.

The good news: the inlaws have a microwave we can probably take. The bad news: it belonged to the fam members with issues, so I can't help feeling like they'll be expecting decent gifts now. Ah, Christmas...

Stuff that's coming to me as I work:

1. The Kitchenaid stand mixer is about the greatest frickin' invention for the kitchen. I'm so in love with mine. It's a hand-me-down from my MIL, black with paddle attachment, whisk, dough hook, and easy pour rim. The woman has two daughters of her own, but gave it to me when she upgraded because she knew I'd use it. Man, do I! The stand gets cleaned between recipes, and I've been known to talk to it. And I'm finally remembering to grate cheese and veggies with the attachment I got for xmas last year.....Dear Santa, when you win Lotto, I wouldn't mind the pasta attachment, the grain mill, the juicer, the...

2. Reminder: 1/4 c of butter is half a stick...not 1 stick. But on the upside, I now have extra streusel topping to try on one on the pound cakes.

3. It's not a hardship to soften butter without a microwave, so long as you remember which burner on the stove acts as a vent for the oven. I've had no problem today getting butter to cooperate.

4. Imitation vanilla extract is NOT an acceptable substitute. Tries way too frickin' hard and doesn't taste right. I have too much respect for my baking to continue using it...luckily I have a half bottle of the real thing, that I think is going to stretch perfectly for my needs.

5. If Ina Garten's pound cake tastes half as good baked as the batter does....I'm making extra for us!

Edit: pound cake recipe bakes 2...yeah, right! The first 2 kind of 'sploded all over themselves, so I'm trying 3 this time around. Good news: extra!

Also, godspeed, Brittany Murphy...some of her stuff annoyed the crap out of me, but from the Torkelsons, to Girl, Interrupted, to Luanne on King of the Hill, the girl had talent to burn. Such a shame.

Turning point

Got my xmas bonus.

The relief nearly brought tears to my eyes. I sat for several minutes just letting it wash over me.

I'm very tired of living like this. May the new year bring strength to change.

I think I'm finally chilling out.....

This holiday thing...wow, it makes ya crazy.

Did my daily blog troll and I'm glad I did, because there's some very smart ladies out there espousing the tenets of frugal holidays. Much as I have trouble believing that there won't be a last-minute scramble on xmas eve at the inlaws, to put as many presents under the tree as frickin' possible, because Grandma likes a full tree even if she doesn't want to pay for it...the fact is that the holidays are so much more than gift giving. And I have no business feeling guilty. I keep grasping for ideas on extra gifts to give people, when they already have one gift in the hopper AND I'm planning to bake for everybody. I also have no business feeling cheap for the regifting ideas that are presenting themselves. If I'm not using something, if it would go to Goodwill otherwise, why not present it to a loved one who could get good use out of it? Makes me wish I could unclench my emotional attachment to Dad's wood planer...Les's Uncle Bill is a woodsmith by trade. But I also dream of a workshop of my own when we have a house/carport/garage, so I'll indulge in some selfishness for now...

I'm been emotionally flogging myself for weeks, when in fact, the holiday's going to turn out exactly as I want it to.....frugal, with gifts that come from the heart.

Part of the problem also is that Les and I aren't particularly religious, so the whole season falls flat a bit if you're not careful. Saw the most excellent quote by Louis Nizer yesterday:
"True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess."
Wouldn't mind trying to live that way...

So enough already! If I can't afford a lot of ingredients, then I'll go with the old standbys: Snickerdoodles and Toll House Chocolate Chip (and pound cake and pumpkin bread, because decreasing insane baking pressure takes baby steps). I know those recipes, so there's less chance of a screwup. It's not like all those recipes I've been finding and want to try can't be tried any other time of the year. Simplicity! What a concept!

OK, so the bitchy hasn't evaporated completely...

I fell off the junk food wagon several days ago, and can't seem to hop back on. I'm hoping that finally planning and shopping for the holidays (baking ingredients tonight, books on Saturday, still brainstorming for Lil Sis) will assuage the level of stress I'm putting on myself.

Random, scatty post warning!

Strung the lights...one set over both the pantries in the living room, another set higher up in the bedroom. Husby's fluctuating between holiday depression and feeling sorry for himself for not working these days, so I did it while he grumbled. Unplugged them when I kissed him goodnight (he's much more nocturnal than I, and his sleep schedule varies).....found them back on this morning :) bwuahahahah! My evil plan's working!

Figured out what I'm baking, expecting it to change 3 more times while I'm buying the ingredients and obsessing over money...the not-knowing about the xmas bonus is really rather maddening.

Pretty sure it's not the money that's concerning me over Lil Sis's gift...it's more a difficulty in translation. How do you materialize something so it says "happy holidays and by the way, you're the most important person in my life next to that guy I married 10 years ago." She's gone through some tough growing pains this year, but one thing never changes: the way her beauty, inside and out, knocks me flat every time I see her.

Enough whining

I nag, nag, nag Leslie about indulging in pity parties, and then what do I do? The last couple of posts have been whiny little snores. Enough already!

I'm going to string lights over the stack of boxes to the right of the TV in the living room. I'm going to string more lights over the top pantry cabinet or across the far living/dining room wall. I'm going to send out my blasted holiday cards. I'm going to clean the blasted kitchen so I can get going on the baking, and I'm bringing the sock to work until the sucker's done. Ho, ho, friggin' ho! I WILL get in the spirit!

The saying goes, bloom where you're planted. Well, I can't stand where I'm currently planted, but whining sure ain't going to change that. What will change it is planning, budgeting, purging, organizing...all things I'm very capable of doing myself and motivating the husband to do as well. The only way we're going to create change is by just doing it...geez, now i'm starting to sound like a Nike ad. ARGH!

Microwave died over the weekend...sucker's at least 20 years old, Mom bought it for me used when I started college. We're seeing if the inlaws have an oldie in storage, but if not, I'm talking up toughing it out as long as we need to. There are more important things in the budget once we hit the new year, and with a little bit of patience we can survive without it. Creamed the butter for cookies the other night instead of nuking it and was quite pleased with the results. I frickin' LOVE my Kitchenaid mixer!

Spent yesterday trolling Charlotte websites, trying to educate myself, and sent away for a pile of relocation packages, which'll probably all be variations on the same thing, but at least it's a start. Also sent away for their DOT map...it's sweet and will give me a different perspective than the mini atlas we have. Also found a gold mine of an About page describing all the different neighborhoods...hopefully I'll be able to match areas with crime rates through some more web trolling...though of course the best educating will come in February when we're able to go up there and explore a bit.

Now if only I could knit and edit websites at the same time :)

Weekend, where art thou?

Keeping from feeling sorry for yourself is a full-time job in these parts nowadays. We have gifts figured out for about half the family...I need to write down what's decided on, so I can stop obsessing about it and focus. I've simplified the baked gifts, but I'm falling behind on the last sock. I did some knitting on Sunday and a whole lot of not much else. And my brain wouldn't let me nap, which was equally frustrating...

Saturday evening was the company holiday party. I tried to get festive, but between the lousy paycheck and not winning anything as usual at the raffles they hold, I'm glad it's past us. Food wasn't even that good...best thing about it was the baybreeze that was 3/4 vodka.

The spirit is willing, but vacant...I know that the holidays are so much more than just gifts, but between the barrage of emails I get trying to save the holidays from political correctness (which I wholeheartedly subscribe to, since I want to celebrate Yule over Christmas) and the hopelessly cluttered apartment negating any attempts to decorate, it's hard. Add to that a paycheck that barely allows us to afford food, much less gifts for a dozen people, and I'm wishing December were over already. And don't get me started on how temps have soared back into the GD 70s...

I'll rally, I know...I'm planning to start baking this week, fill the freezer, and finish the sock, and handmake a gift or two and get wrapping on the stuff I already have. I'm taking us to Chamblin's next weekend to seek out a couple of last-minute gifts. I hope to still get a bonus before we leave for SC. Can't stand the thought of shopping on Christmas Eve, but we may not have a choice.

The bluebird of happiness crapped in my Christmas pie...

One of my dad's old sayings :)

My paycheck was a steaming reindeer flop. The drop in sales kicked my commission in the 'nads, and I've gone from joking about giving everyone baked goods for the holidays to wondering if I'll be able to afford the ingredients.

Paraphrased from Bones last night:

Daisy: "Christmas should be celebrated in March since that's when Christ was actually born."
With ya on that one this week, sister...

From an older episode:
Tempe: "I'm not discriminating against him because he's a Muslim. I find all religions equally irrational."
Good stuff.

So I'm in a bit of a dark place today. Here's another funny from Dad, though I'm sure he snitched it from somewhere...
A birdie with a yellow bill
Hopped upon my windowsill
So I closed the window and bashed his f*cking head in.

Yeah, feeling a tad dark.

Going to spend the weekend assessing, planning, and visiting this blog relentlessly until I feel a little better and more in the spirit...the scene just knocks me out. I can picture Linus with his blanket just going up to that porch and sitting indian-style with a cup of cocoa to take it all in.

Chilly Thursday

Next couple of days should be nice here, 50s and 30s. Still, I'm very jealous of the Midwest. I'm sure there are plenty of people up there who'd tell me to stuff my jealousy as they dig out their cars to go to work, but I can't help it. Around this time last year, Meara and I were outside spinning and playing as the snow poured down around us. My knees ached the whole time we were up there, but I don't know when I've felt more alive. Delightfully ironic since we were there to honor Nanie, who'd finally gone to Summerland.

Meara heads to Milwaukee next weekend for a friend's wedding. I'd like to stow away in her suitcase.

My relationship with food is changing. There's something about preparing food that settles me, steadies my brain. When I'm working in the kitchen, I'm in a good place. It's a tricky proposition, recognizing that when I'm working to eat better...because the urge is there, especially with the holidays, to bake a crapload of, well, crap...breads, cookies, fudge. I hope to bake quite a bit in the next 2 weeks, but I'll give most of it away. But what I'm getting at is that I feel the need to explore this part of me more.

The other day I went over to Mom's to loan her some rice, because it's all the dog could eat initially while she's on the mend. Mom was in a scattered place, checking mail, getting changed, chatting me up, so I got a pan out and cooked up some rice for the little hairball. I've been enjoying hypoglycemia more lately and had had a dull headache all afternoon, but I realized that the simple acts of measuring water, setting the timer, checking the doneness of the rice was making me feel better.

I doubt it means I should go to culinary school, but I look forward to exploring food preparation more, especially as it becomes evident how healthy I need to be eating.

Quick stop...random mental wanderings...

Sleepy...accompanied Mom to vet last night...remarkably fast visit for an animal ER though, caught 'em on a good night...I kept saying to Mom that what the dog needed was puppy Pepto...turns out you can give dogs the pink stuff...

Also achy, which is just from being active this weekend...doesn't feel like I'm coming down with anything, just my bod being wimpy. Did a pinch of organizing Saturday. Sunday Mom and I went down to St. Augie to visit with Christy and her mom, who were down from New England. Yesterday was laundry. Hate when a day off gets taken over by the mundane, but it couldn't be helped...

I really can't believe it's December already.

10! Pounds! Down!

Would love to get sock done this week...will be trying for that in the evenings so I can worry about everyone else's gifts over the last 2 weeks...

Celebrated 10 years with the company this weekend...can't decide if I should be proud or suicidal...

Editorial musings and random thoughts

Bear with me, I'm high on caffeine.

A sampling of the copywriting gems I face on a daily basis...these have cropped up just today.

"...we replace widows and doors..."

Well, I'll be sure to keep Mom away from there.

"...our owner is the eldest of 6 children. He has 3 brothers and 3 sisters..."

Must be the new math.

"...swine flue..."

Condition acquired by eating pork while sitting in a chimney?

Random: I'm wearing about my favoritest outfit today...jeans, sneaks, and a navy blue pullover sweater with a nondescript pattern that's SO comfy. Weather was 40-something when I left for work this morning. I'm thinking of eating lunch outside. Wearing my hair down is keeping my ears warm. I love winter!

Went digging for my purple scarf in my bag o' knits (couldn't find it, the apartment ate it), and found that I did finish the blue mittens last year. I thought they were still UFOs! Thinking of felting them a bit, because one of the thumbs came out huge, but I'm so delighted to find that I finished them. I really want to make myself some fingerless gloves with leftover sock yarn once I'm done with the MIL socks. So glad to be on the heel flap of those suckers...I'm NOT a fan of size 1 needles, not with my man-sized hands.

OK, back to work.....sales plummeted last week thanks to the holidays (well, I HOPE that's what it was), so we're all scrabbling to grab sites the minute they post in the queue. It's a blast.

Weekend, Advent, n' other stuff

Sorry it's fuzzy, it was shot from a cheap-ass, pay-as-you-go phone.

If there's anything more beautiful than a free latte on a Friday, I don't know what it is :) Barista recognized me and started making it automatically, and when I said I hadn't ordered it today, she gave it to me anyway because she remembered goofing on an order of mine a couple of weeks back. I'll take that kind of suck-up service anytime!

So, how come a male barista isn't called a baristo?

So equipped with my caffeine high and the promise of a 3-day weekend, I'm in a decent mood. I'm less scared of the impending holidays, I've started the heel flap on the 2nd sock, and I'll knock off the holiday cards this weekend and study my recipes. I found a pile of good ones on the Web this week, and I hope to start baking quick breads this weekend, because I can freeze them until they're needed. Also, my team's doing a holiday potluck at work next week and I'll test a couple of the cookie recipes on them ;)

My best pal Christy's in FL with her mom, so we'll get together at some point this weekend. I need to tear into my closet to find an outfit for the company holiday party next weekend. I'm pretty sure I can scare up something appropriate in the depths of the ole closet, but I am going to need to invest in a new pair of pumps. God, payday can't come fast enough. I'd love to get the holiday shopping done, but it's going to have to happen in drips and drabs...in the meantime, I'll continue with my lists, see what can get accomplished at home, and we'll hit Chamblin's this weekend or next, get some books with credit for gifts.

I'm thinking I want to start recognizing pagan Advent, make it a ritual. Already a Sunday behind, I realize. Can't imagine having the energy and creativity for the whole Advent calendar (especially once/if we have kids), but just the Sundays is workable, the concepts of Hope, Faith, Love, and Joy translated in my own way. It's yet another ritual that the Christians claim to have invented and the Pagans claim was stolen from them by the Christians, so I choose not to care one way or the other and just make it my own. Anything to help me get in the spirit, remember what the season's about, the birth of Christ, the birth of the Sun God, and whatever the heck Hannukah celebrates. When I think about having children, I imagine giving them a unitarian upbringing with a well-rounded understanding of faith. Tall order, I realize...

Happy Friday, y'all!

P.S. Weather in the 40s and 50s...happy as a clam :)

Holiday planning

Making my lists...
Checking 'em twice...
Enjoying small panic attack about how the hell it's all getting done...
Santa Claus is...

Where'd the year go? I've never had a year whip by like this one did.

I am making lists. Since there's no money to spend on gifts yet, it's all I can do, that and write holiday cards. Can't even send 'em yet, as I'm almost out of stamps. Next payday...

I'm unearthing the sewing machine tonight. I'm pawing through the apartment looking for regifting options. I have half a sock to finish. We have a box of books going to Chamblin's that will hopefully provide some gifts for the booklovers in our fams. I need to make a list of exactly how much baking needs to occur between now and the holiday.

Don't think we've ever gone into a holiday season this tight. There just isn't a spare penny lately. I want the holidays to be a time of frugal giving, but this feels weak. I'd rather plan to be frugal than be forced into it. I want everyone to get cookies, not just the folks I can't afford to shop for.

Ah well...live and learn and look to the future...this weekend I'll string lights around our windows and find some evergreen. Our apartment's too much of a disaster area to put up the tree, but I'm determined to get in the holiday spirit!

We interrupt this blog for an extremely short motivational speech...

I! DID! NOT! GAIN! WEIGHT! OVER! THANKSGIVING!!!

We return you now to your regularly scheduled blog :)

Holiday weekend

Really gotta learn to keep my hand steady on the ole point and click...also, these are in reverse chronological order...we smoked the turkey at our place and then went to Mom's, hence the cat watching the fire here. Also, Mom looks mopey in that first pic, but she's actually mellow...she'd had a glass of wine :)

Thursday...Baking, cooking, watching Macy's, watching the dog show, went to Mom's, ate yummy food, saw Lil Bro, revelled in the cold weather...really nice, starting a new tradition I think, for Thanksgiving...

Black Friday...up at decent hour, to mall with Mom & Lil Sis, to Walmart, to St. Johns Town Center, wandering, shopping, people watching, eating good food...had SUCH a good time, even though I couldn't spend a cent...weather gorgeous!

Saturday...TV, to farmer's market with Mom & Lil Sis, lunch at Al's (my new pizza fave in town), wandering the Westside hitting old haunts, home, knitting, TV...

Sunday...serious relaxing, getting back into work mode, light baking, ignoring laundry...

Nice.

Nice surprise

So I happen over to the ole Gmail account, which I only check about every 6 months or so, because I plain don't use the sucker...and discover I may have missed out on winning a drawing. Back in May, MommaZen held a drawing for a copy of her first book of the same title, and sure enough, I'd won! Her newsletter has also been going to that Gmail account, which was a little confusing, because I plain don't use that account for anything anymore. Could've sworn I had the Yahoo addy buried on this blog somewhere, but I guess not...so if folks tried to reach me through here, it's only been directing to the Gmail. Well, I fixed that.

But ACK! What to do about the winning? I dropped Karen an email, and she must've been online at the same time, because I received a nice note back fast, offering to send me the book! I'm so glad! For a topic as seemingly ethereal as Zen, a lot of the books on the subject conversely can be quite heavy-handed in their treatment of the topic, but her essays are thought-provoking and easy to read. I'm looking forward to this unexpected gift to myself :)

turkeystuffingturkeysweettatersturkeygravyturkeypieturkeygreenbeansturkey...

I kind of love Thanksgiving (pretty sure I've mentioned before how it's my fave holiday), and I'm determined not to get too depressed about any dietary limitations I need to inflict upon myself this year. The key is moderation. I haven't been diagnosed yet. I know my body. I'll experiment, try a little of this, a little of that, and steer clear of the booze.

Lil Sis is fashioning a nice meal that's pretty diabetic-friendly for Thanksgiving (my mom was diagnosed a couple of months ago), but with Les and Lil Bro also in attendance, I want to have some evil foods too >:) I'll make one of Paula Deen's greater inventions, apple butter pumpkin pie, which Les would take intravenously if he could, and I'm planning a naughty side dish of some sort. Funny how my thinking is changing though...was trolling Potato Gratin recipes and came across one of Emeril's, that sounded sinfully delicious, but called for, among other things, 6 egg yolks and a pound of Gruyere. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped while I was reading it, so I moved on.

Temps dropping into the upper 30s on Thursday night/Friday morning...oh darn :) I'll be the one sleeping on the porch. Ok, not really, but boy will it be nice to legitimately wear one of my sweaters again or throw on a scarf...

I know my body...yeah, sure.....it's amazing how quickly life can unravel if you let it...got to work this morning and started feeling like crap. Realized I had about 3 different reasons for it (1st day of monthly fun, Paxil withdrawal b/c I'm a dumbass and haven't refilled my Rx yet, not enough breakfast). So I went to lunch early, grabbed food and my Paxil, and downed some Advil while I was at it, and the difference is marked. So silly that I should be this old and still letting sh*t unravel like that...it's like holding onto sand underwater sometimes, I swear...so dumb...anyway, feeling a lot better.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look up the lyrics to "Over the River and Through the Woods." :)

Fell off the wagon and it ran me over...

Checked some books out of the library about diabetes. Woke up hypoglycemic this morning after indulging in candy and pasta the night before. Sucks that I'm getting the hint right before Thanksgiving, but can't be helped. Maybe next year...

Bad news at dentist too...two teeth with multiple cracks that will require crowns and a possible root canal. The worse news is that I really can't afford to get 'em fixed until after the first of the year.

So glad I'm only working 2 days this week. Making an appt with my doc for my next Monday off, so I can talk test results. I'm a bit down, but just going to concentrate on educating myself and planning my meals well.

Weekend

So Irina won Project Runway :P Boo!

Can you imagine being hated on by the general public like that girl is? I know she dug her own grave with her attitude, but geez...

I'm a Carol Hannah fan, but I fell in love with Althea's hat last night (the one on her head, not any of her models)...large with fat cables. It's inspiring me to crib something together using the cheat of a fat cabled capelet pattern from Lion Brand (posting link, but requires registration). Also thinking of creating a skirt for myself for the company Christmas party...am hoping to start fleshing out that dream this weekend.

SO nice to step outside and not sweat.....Florida fall is finally here! 70s during the day, 50s at night. Still not cold enough for me, but sweet relief all the same.

Cardio still a sticking point, but the diet end of it is going well....was seriously craving bad food earlier today (gotta be hormonal...REALLY wanted a burger from the mom-and-pop place down the street), and instead hit Publix for granola bars and blue corn chips to go with the lunch I'd already brought to work. That'll keep me and then some if I work late today, which I'm trying to grab the motivation to do. I'm learning.

Just keep swimming...

It's so easy to let life live you a bit, rather than you feeling like you're totally in charge....yeah, like we have any control over the grand scheme...but I wax existential. That's how the last couple of days have been. In my defense, I'm hormonal, but still...

Still doing well. I definitely do better with a little structure though, say, with a work day. I allow the clock and my tummy to dictate when I eat, and that's easier at work. Weekend (and payday) proved a pinch more difficult to eat healthy, but I did pretty well for myself and the scale tells the tale (yeah, you didn't really believe I'd stay off the sucker, didya?).

Exercise is trickier...I did 2 miles on Saturday morning, which felt fantastic, but also told me I walk better on the treadmill. Much as I adore the outdoors, my gait issues demand a rhythm while I'm this big, and walking on the access road, I definitely didn't pay close enough attention to my stride because my knees were achy for days afterward. I've been listening to music to help the time go by while exercising, but I just monitor myself better on the treadmill - like I've said, it faces the window, allows me to watch myself, my whole body, as I move. So I took a couple of days off after that...plus the aforementioned hormonal symptoms, which bring aches down both legs as I get close to the monthly fun. No more excuses though, tonight I'm doing a load of laundry and 45 minutes on the bike or 30 on the treadmill.

Our money issues demand a little menu planning lately. Last night we did tilapia, and this morning I prepped a pot roast into the crock pot that we'll eat off of for the next couple of days.

We're barely making ends meet, and I don't know how the hell we're going to manage the holidays. I hate the idea of giving people only baked gifts, but that's just pride talking...I know it's perfectly fine to give of yourself this way...it's just hard to reconcile after years of being with a family that likes to go all out for the holidays (his...ah, mine too, now that Dad's gone, but you feel less guilt on foisting said baked goods onto your own family, ya know...)...even though we've all trimmed back in recent years...still, I need to get away from the tube and get in front of the sewing machine; there are several ideas percolating in my head for small sewn gifts that wouldn't cost much at all. I'm in the spirit, in spite of the money woes, though I refuse to wear my xmas earrings or sing a carol until November 26 :)

Happiness is...

...weather straining to reach 60F and not succeeding.

...my reverse seasonal affective disorder kicking in thanks to said weather, producing this grin I can't seem to keep off my face, even if it'll only last a day.

...dunking my peanut butter sandwich in my chicken noodle soup.

...Day 4 of this new life, still going strong.

...sharing the elevator with a coworker with a bag of McD's and feeling nothing, no deprivation.

...my 3-day weekend coming up, just 'cause I need to burn PTO.

...thinking about hitting the stationary bike after work.

...finding the goose feather in the pocket of my overshirt.

...improved posture and jeans fitting.

I will not go near a scale for at least the first month. Why do that to myself? I'll simply enjoy my clothes fitting better. Besides we women are blessed with the ability to lose weight 3 weeks out of a month and then seemingly gain it all back the 4th week, thanks to hormones, water retention, whatever...I won't let a number dictate my health. I'm dictating it, for the first time ever.

I was thinking about my eating habits in high school, and abysmal doesn't cover it...these habits have been ingrained over a lifetime, not just a couple of years. At Wamogo (junior high/9th and 10th), I'd have a mug of tea in the mornings before catching the bus, and maybe an Instant Breakfast. Lunch degraded as I got older...2nd senior year especially (serious lonely time), my lunch was a brownie, a small bag of Fritos, and an iced tea loaded with sugar. Dinner was normal and we weren't deluged with crappy snacks at home much (there was Pepsi in the house, but there was also the express understanding that it was for my parents' rye drinks, not us kids), but the damage was done. And then of course, college, where you're allowed to eat whatever the hell you want, so long as the money holds out, and my addiction to movie theater popcorn was conceived in my desperation to avoid classes, adulthood, etc.

Maybe I'm finally outgrowing it...but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with finally loving myself enough to change.

Getting bored yet? I'll switch back to other topics soon...it's just been such a good week and I'm feeling so strong...here's a splash of other news:

Started second sock, fearing I've made them too small, but they're for a small MIL. Will fast Sunday night, pick up paperwork at doc's on Monday morning, and get my bloodwork and GTT done. Hell, I already fast now, haven't eaten anything after dinner at all this week. Enjoying a hole in one tooth that's contributing to my headaches as much as the blood sugar working itself out...that'll get fixed on the 23rd. Haven't given much thought to Thanksgiving, because the money's not going to be there for me to go all-out. I do have one side dish in mind, a cauliflower-sweet potato something, if I can find where the frick I put the recipe.

Such energy!

I literally bound out of bed. It's in part because I know I won't sleep with the snooze button, because the bod's a little sore. Did the half hour on the treadmill last night...it's one of those fancy thousand-dollar jobs that measures your heart rate if you want, so I was able to monitor myself, keep it high without going too high. Tried out several different gait lengths, from a very light jog to my long-legged stride. The treadmill faces the windows in the fitness center, so I was able to keep an eye on my knees, make sure my gait didn't fag out too much. Got back in time to watch the 2nd half of Biggest Loser while stretching, and that has to have made a difference because I'm not that bad off today at all, and it was the first time in months, maybe a year, that I've done any concentrated exercise. Geez, that's embarassing.

Having a small Healthy Choice meal fill me up is surprising. I'll experiment with cooking as I continue on this journey, of course, but the battery went dead in the car yesterday, resulting in extra errands after work, and I wasn't going to find an excuse not to work out, so it was grab it and growl last night.

There's always excuses to fall back on, until you make the decision to live differently. I could easily have told myself I should wait until I get my bloodwork done. Or hit the drive-thru yesterday at McD's instead of Publix, where I headed for the soup aisle and found something quite satisfying and low in fat and sugar carbs. Geez, if I'd done that, I wouldn't have known the battery was dying until the end of the day - it quit the first time in the Publix parking lot. But I can't even think about fast food right now, don't want the lethargy it produces, and besides, I'm off white potatoes, so what's the point of hitting McD's...I'm making the time to eat breakfast at home and prepping lunch, when there's food in the house, the night before. That's making a huge difference, and I'm feeling so good right now. I look at the years of emotional eating with a kind of disbelief; it baffles me that, intelligent as I am, I could graze and graze to the point of discomfort and not stop, or see it for what it was.

I thank y'all for the support, it means so much! Don't even want to say wish me luck, because it has nothing to do with luck. I know I have a LOT of hard work ahead, and right now, I'm just revelling in the strength that's presenting itself and making the job enjoyable.

A Turning Point

I've spoken plenty of times on here about my health, my large body, nonexistent self-image, and desire to get healthy. It's old news and, up until now, indicative of a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, emotional eating/food addiction, and crappy self-esteem, with my legitimate chemical imbalances thrown in for good measure.

I gained the weight for several reasons. Being on Paxil and Lithium is one culprit. Sitting on my ass in a desk job for the past 12 years didn't help, and I was never a natural athlete to begin with. Well, that's half-false, as I'm sure there's an athlete in me, but thanks to flat feet and knocked knees (which cause gait and posture problems), high-school band, and said crappy self-esteem, I never put myself out there past junior high in any sports. Pity, as I was in great shape back then...145 pounds, 5'7"ish, and thought I was fat. Gotta love the '80s. So I'm saying it's not in my normal daily schedule to walk a mile, lift some weights, or go for a swim. Yet.

During Dad and Mom's darker days, he'd crack wise that she wasn't losing weight as a way of getting back at him somehow. I'm pretty sure that's an issue, however tiny, existing in my psyche as well. I never expected to get married, was settling my brain into the idea of being permanently single, and Les came along with his unconditional love. Being unused to the idea of someone loving you like that, causes you to test said love. Sure, my folks loved me unconditionally too, but in the early days, they sucked ass at showing it. Dad never thought he was deserving of love, and that rubbed off on us kids and instilled those feelings in us. I'm old enough now to get a handle on those thoughts, but it's always a bit of a work in progress. Les and I have been together for 12+ years and it still baffles me that he's stuck around. God, let me get over that nonsense before small ones arrive on the scene...

Anyhoo, I think I've gone prediabetic. That knowledge slams home hard. I'm a chocoholic with a serious sweet tooth...enjoy me some sugar with my chocolate cake and add some fries on the side. Lack of portion control and significant hedonism have caused my diet to spiral out of control for years now. McDonald's and Starbucks became regular go-to spots to assuage cravings (they're close to work...god, I love me a frappucino!). However, I enjoyed a hypoglycemic crash this past weekend, and the symptoms are still presenting themselves. I read too much, and I know my body. It's time to change before I give myself a heart attack or destroy my pancreas. They call it morbidly obese for a reason.

I've put a call into my doctor's office to get fresh lab work done, blood draws for my LDL/HDL levels, triglycerides, etc., and a 3-hour glucose tolerance test. I'm purchasing Bob Greene's Best Life book on Managing Diabetes and Pre-Diabetes, and I'm updating my glucometer this weekend with a new battery, strips, and lancets. I've already started changing my eating habits...managed to keep the calorie count around 1800 yesterday, I'm watching my carbs and educating myself on distinguishing good from bad, and I got in 10 minutes of exercise walking/being dragged by Mom's mutt.

The change is marked: significant energy and this great feeling of doing right by me. Tonight I have laundry planned, which I'll wait for transitioning from washer to dryer by enjoying half an hour of treadmill or stationary bike time, as the micro-fitness center at my complex is right next to the laundry room. My sleep has been disrupted lately by low blood sugar headaches, so I'm not pressing myself to get up at the crack yet to exercise. One thing at a time, gotta stabilize the system first.

I have no desire to grab a quick double cheese or an eggnog latte right now. My desire to change is really strong, and I'm feeling fantastic about feeling better. I pray this strength continues, as my health really does depend on it.

Fantastic Friday

No particular reason...every Friday's fantastic when you work a 9 to 5.

Can't believe it's been a week since last post...not a lot to report...still don't whip out the camera enough, still too warm, still bored at work. Given the new unemployment stats, my gratitude shifted upwards again, but it's still mind-numbing doing straight editing and has me thinking about what I want to search for next year in the Carolinas...

Temps dipping into 40s finally at night, but they don't stay there long, and the promise of 80s is back for next week. I'm going to spend the weekend organizing small areas of the apartment as well as my Carolina information, so I can focus on specific cities to put out feelers in, in the coming months...

Excellent Newsweek article that underlines, in the wake of the Fort Hood horror, the clusterf*ck that is the military's inability to deal with stress...

Working socks for MIL and planning to sew a portfolio cover for a SIL Xmas gift...will work those this weekend too. Hoping for a relaxing weekend with small efforts to replenish soul...not much to ask.

Fantastic Friday

Or it would be if the prospect of OT wasn't looming over my head...I'll get up at the crack Saturday and give them 4 hours and be done with it.

We sorely need the money, but I also sorely need home time. Cleaned the kitchen last night and my head was clear once again...when the f*ck am I gonna learn that that needs to be status quo? So I'm energized to dig into the apartment some more...I've been doing well at that the past couple of weekends, I'm getting into a zone of sorts. Also going to be baking, prepping for the week with healthy meal options...been reading recipes all week and really getting inspired. And thankfully, I've reached a stopping point where fast food is concerned...at my age and size, the thought of having a heart attack is really waking my ass up. Took me f*cking long enough! I'm also inspired to create recipe boxes for the crazy amounts of recipes that I've taken off the Web...Joann's offers photo boxes in the impulse section that are cheap and will fit the bill nicely, I think.

Happened upon a goldmine that's going to be my saving grace in this holiday season: Organized Christmas. Les's family really celebrates Christmas, though the economy should give us an excuse for taking it easy in the gifts department a bit. I'm quite tired of spending the holidays in a panic about gifts and cards and whatnot though, so I'm looking forward to organizing it better so I can actually enjoy and get into the season. As a non-Christian surrounded by Christians, it's tricky finding your own ways to get in the spirit...requires a bit of research and effort, but it's so worth it as I align how I feel about the holidays with how I wish us to celebrate them.