Contemplative Thursday

Found these guys behind my work when I was leaving tonight...

So exactly how lame is it to think that my dad sent the geese I've been seeing so much lately?

I'm walking out to my car this morning. Humidity 93%, temp 75F, overcast, damp, feels warmer, and should get to mid-80s today. It's not pleasant weather. Key out, I cock an ear because I think I hear them. I strain my eyes to the sky where the honking is coming from and within 30 seconds, I see them...an entire flock in 2 sections, close to a dozen fly right over my head, with a 2nd contingent off to the right, flying over the neighboring apartment complex, breaking the morning silence with their honks. And it dawns on me, why I've been seeing them so much lately...Dad sent them because we're not having autumn here this year.

The thought brings happy tears to my eyes. I laugh and cry and drive to work with a buoyant spirit.

Guess it's not too lame after all, huh?

Wordless Wednesdays

Carolinas...a love story.

Full of Hope Mondays

I have two kinds of Mondays: the kind normal 9-to-5ers have (::grumble, bitch, moan, complain:: and see cat above) and Full of Hope Mondays. On the latter, my brain wakes up to new possibilities and I spend the day pondering craft projects, reorganizing the apartment in my head, and looking ahead to the future, all while editing the occasional website.

Today was definitely a Full of Hope Monday, and it was a welcome change after about 2 weeks of hormones and depression. I looked up sewing patterns, pondered holiday gifts for family, and even looked at Gastonia, NC, as a possibility for us, but thankfully tossed it pretty quickly out of the pile - just too many lousy memories.

Saturday was lovely...hung out with Lil Sis and Mom for Lil Sis's birthday. We did lunch at Friday's, wandered St. Johns Town Centre, enjoyed Starbucks at B&N, wandered some more, did dinner at the bar at PF Chang's, and then hung at Mom's and watched Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I was surprised! I don't watch too many romantic comedies anymore, because a) don't need 'em as much when you're living the dream (pause so readers can barf), and b) I've seen enough of them to be bored of them. But this one was smartly written and had some great lines...we laughed out loud and rewound at several spots.

Sunday, woke up surprisingly not hungover (imbibed several adult beverages the night before), so I tackled the kitchen and baked cookies for Lil Sis to take back with her. That felt great, as it's been a while since I've baked, and popping the zucchini bread out of the freezer this weekend too, got me in the mood to get baking again. Just in time! I'm making lists for baked goods that are going in people's holiday gift bags this year, and this week, I want to try my hand at apple butter bread.

Got my birthday pressie!! Tried taking a picture, but point-and-shoot doesn't do well against glass, so here's the link. Don't know when I discovered Selina Fenech, but her art is delightful and I look forward to purchasing some more incarnations of it in the future. She's a 20-something breast cancer survivor too, so I'm kind of blown away by her ability to live off her art...reminds me I'm behind in my dreams. Love listening to Garrison Keillor, but it reminds me that I still want to publish - dude's got, like 4 books coming out this year! I'm rereading the Mitford books, and something's stirring in my creative psyche...we'll see if it turns into anything, though I'm betting the holidays will help it take a backseat once again. Got a lot of hand-making of stuff to accomplish...

Friday

I may hate my desk job, planting my ass in a chair 8 hours a day while my body atrophies from lack of use, but I do love working on a "normal" schedule. Mondays may suck occasionally, but Fridays are great, full of hope and promise. Never was able to manage that when my days off were Tuesday and Wednesday...just ain't the same.

Should've known we wouldn't have any sort of autumn down here this year...summer was mild in my book, not sure we even had any days in the 100s. So I'm still working on ignoring the weather...shake my head at the mugginess and 80s, and head out with my brain firmly in a cooler place, trudging through wet leaves, dreaming of next year...yes, it's gotten a pinch milder here, but it sure ain't the same...

My heart goes out to the Thompson family...Orange Park is a community right down the road from Jax, so we're all feeling the loss of that little girl Somer. Saw another story in the paper about a guy wearing no pants who chased a girl home from school yesterday. Lovely.

I'm recognizing that we can't start saving for the move until after the holidays, so I'm preparing a budget for the minute the holidays are over. It'll take me about a month to accrue fresh PTO after the first of the year, so I'll plan our first trip to Charlotte sometime in February, just to sniff the place out.

Lil Sis is home to celebrate her birthday this weekend! I'm so glad...she's had friends moving away from her right and left lately, for jobs or other life changes, so I love being a phone pal with her and any extra opportunity to smother her in hugs :)

Hiya!

Been dropping off on here for a bit, and can't always blame the camera...though I admit I'm still getting used to finding things to snap. Didn't realize the moon was setting instead of rising last night, so missed a great shot...must've been in perigee or something because it was fingernail and really close-looking at my location. Ah well...the cauldron shot's an oldie from our CT trip last year. Didn't want to leave you hangin'...

Weather gave us bliss this past weekend, and now it's creeping up again, so I'm just trying to ignore it. Highs in the low 80s...grumble, grumble...

Caught a wild hair the other night and picked up a needle and thread...wanted to remove the snaps on a favorite purse, because it's Target cheap and was tearing the fabric. So I did that, sewed the holes shuts, and then repaired two more things of Les's that were in a pile that's been ignored for quite a while. One thing needs a patch, so I may search for some flannel that'll match it. It got me in the mood to sew, which is funny because I haven't been knitting lately...which gets me bummed and throwing in the towel about handmade gifts for the holidays...but I really can't afford to have that mindset, because we can't really afford the holidays this year, so people are just going to have to deal with baked goods and handmades.

So last night I went looking for the embroidery goldmine (aka stitch encyclopedia) I found at Chamblin's and I ended up rearranging the stash area again...funny how those things happen. I finally have access again to my crafting books, which have been buried on the bedroom coffee table for way too long, and the holiday brainstorming can resume!

Autumn and goose love

I have a love affair with Canada geese. Ever since my childhood in Warren, CT, where I've romanticized laying on the grass in our field watching them pass by overhead from south to north. Their honks sound in my soul when I hear them, and I love their solid coloring. One of my favorite movies still, is Fly Away Home.

These guys I feel sorry for, as I see them year-round. These poor critters have no business being in Florida past, like April. It bothers me that they could be suffering from climate confusion. I suppose, depending on their intelligence, they could've elected to be snowbirds year-round, but somehow I doubt that's likely. We have several flocks in the area, two that I'm aware of nearby...there's a dozen or so that travel between St. Luke's and Baymeadows, and there's a batch that live in my business district off of St. Augustine Road near Bayard. I'm cynical enough to wonder if some outfit trucked them in for decoration. Ah well...I love spotting them and when I see them, I talk to them briefly and tell them I enjoy their company. Yes, I'm a little tweaked.

I spent the afternoon thinking of stuff for this next bit, and it put me in such a good mood! I'm hitting the Southern Women's Show with Mom on Sunday (an orgy of brochures, free samples, and free food), but I hope that Saturday can be a day filled with baking, organizing, doing something with apples and pumpkin, and hanging curtains in the bedroom. The temps are finally dropping for a pinch this weekend.

Autumn is...

Apples and pumpkins

And leaves on the ground

Wood smoke and chill nights

And family gathered 'round.

It stops rhyming here, so don't get your hopes up...

Curling up by a fire sipping hot cider

Raking leaves for the sole purpose of then jumping into the pile

Crisp air

Digging out the woolens and boots

Finding a knitted cap for long walks after dinner

Cold noses and toeses

Extra blankets on the bed and not needing AC

The smell of leaf rot

Trying to dig and realizing the earth is cold

Jesus, how'd I survive as long as I have in Florida?!

Grabbing a jacket before you step outdoors

Rosy cheeks and wind cutting through your slacks

Soups and stews for dinner that have spent all day in the crockpot

Colors and colors and colors in the trees!

Hot cocoa with little marshmallows

Jack o'lanterns and the last harvests, finding new ways to use squash

That last one's a biggie...I start planning my side dishes for Thanksgiving a full month ahead.

Making sure the car tires are in good shape

(and keeping a window scraper in the trunk for good measure)

Contemplative evenings

Fall festivals and foggy mornings

Dreaming of eggnog

Walnuts to snack on, and apple butter on English muffins

Starting holiday gifts

Smelling the air, straining your eyes against the grey sky for a glimpse of flakes

And the warmth of wrapping yourself in a woobie when you come in from the cold.

10 months 'til Charlotte...I WILL make it happen this time!

Not-so-tense Tuesday

My lapsed-Catholic-turned-witch self doesn't believe in JC anymore, but I still think of God (as in Father, Son, Holy Ghost) every time I see the sun burn through clouds like that.

I definitely have different views now. I'm starting to reread "Twelve Wild Swans" by Starhawk, and there's that coming-home feeling that I haven't had in a while. It's good that I'm digging into it now, so close to Samhain...best time I can think of to renew my faith.

I'm jonesing for autumn and no help for it here...temps dropping as rain threatens, but the humidity's still kicking our asses. Today was cooler, but I see blogs of snow starting in the north and I ache a little. So I must content myself with clouds, clover, and random cat pics :)

Got demoted...well, not really...they just finally took the extra work away from me, the work they've been having me do for the better part of a year now as a stop-gap. The relief I've been feeling since hearing this is notable. Yes, I'll be bored out of my skull again as a regular editor, and it'll be tough getting back to focusing on one or two projects vs. like, five...but I'm in a position to make money, and the stress of that extra work, I will not miss. For the first time in quite a while, I went to work in a decent mood.

Geez, that last shot's kind of cat porn...sorry, Figaro!

Monday, Monday...

nah, nah...nah, nah, nah, nah...

Carry my camera in my purse now, but remembering it's there is still a trick. Spent half the day Saturday hanging out with Mom and Lil Sis and didn't take one picture, even though I'd love to capture more of Lil Sis, who after almost-26-years still radiates light in my book; and Mom's adorable mutt is all round n' cute and not barking as much (so the urge to drop-kick her has waned considerably). We hung curtains and imbibed Bud Select while Mom napped (she just had carpal tunnel surgery), which resulted in quite a bit of silliness and nice bonding. Then we enjoyed dinner at Carrabba's, which was so scrumptious and filling, and they were so heavy-handed with the garlic I'm pretty sure the vamps will steer clear of our apartment the rest of the week!

Sunday was a wash, darn mood swings...there's nothing quite so frustrating as wanting very badly to change your lot in life and lacking the energy or motivation to do anything about it. It bothers me when I'm so whipped by life I don't even want to knit.

So armed with orneryness and a firm desire to be elsewhere, I trudge into work today, determined to change things somehow. 10 months til Charlotte...

You take what you can get

This is a glimpse of fall. Live oaks don't change color much, the leaves are probably browning, but I'll take what I can get this week...temps are in the low 90s. Just not right.

The clouds are a great example of how I stay sane in this tropical unseasoned state...how I keep from missing mountains...the one cool thing about Florida for me is that there's so much sky! We're flat here, so it's just friggin' everywhere, and the clouds, especially during hurricane season, can be spectacular in their different colors and densities.

It's interesting, having to remember to take pics...I'm first and foremost a writer, but it's finally dawning on me that all the blogs I love are picture heavy, that there are many other forms of communication besides the ole written word. My apologies for the droning journal-like nature of this little blog up until now. I get it finally, and will be giving you glimpses of me, how I think, what I see, what I hope to pass onto you, not just in words, but in pictures now. I'm enjoying trying to find interesting things to shoot, especially when my dang day/week is so repetitive (get up, grab breakfast, go to work, sit at computer 8 hours, regain sanity, go home, feed, chill...). Lil Sis has a really good point with her brand of restlessness lately, reminded me how we only hang on this planet in this body the once, so might as well make it memorable, purge the drudgery from your life if at all possible. That frame of thought's been really prevalent since we lost Dad, but doing something about it is quite another story. But I'm quite tired of falling back on the drudgery in the name of responsibility. That needs to be my motivator to getting us the hell out of FL...there's so very much more I intend to accomplish.

Cleaning fool

Something weird's happening...I guess I've never been a spring cleaner, more of a fall cleaner. Fall means back to school and new notebooks and clothes...but since I have notebooks and can't currently afford new clothes, I'm cleaning. Obtained boxes from Mom's move last weekend. Saturday was kind of a wash, though I did clear out around a key catch-all chair in the bedroom. Woke up clear-headed on Sunday though, and dug into the dining room. It's definitely a work in progress...I'll be digging into old boxes in the coming weeks and purging some stuff. But something funny happened...I had an OK day at work today, because I was looking forward to getting back to the cleaning in some form. Tonight I had to make dinner and do some old dishes, but once TV time hit, I tackled a project...reorganized my yarn stash. The above pic is the result. I hope to keep adding pictures as the mood strikes, whether they are of my surroundings outside or in. It's just that the apartment's still such a disaster, that you'll only get those in glimpses at first.

Sunday was fantastic...I plunged into the dining room, just started someplace rather than look around too much and get overwhelmed. I knew I wanted a fresh Goodwill box, a fresh Chamblins box, and to get some more stuff stored. That took me toward the bookshelves, where I discovered at least 10 shoeboxes of mementos and "stuff." So after I'd done a piece of sorting in the dining room, I took the shoeboxes into the bedroom so I could relax with the tube and sort. Purged a bunch of stuff, kept a nice amount, and managed to fit it into a single smallish box. It's interesting how at this age o' mine, you look at things you've kept and are able to say, I don't need this because I have my memories and they're enough.

Hopefully I can keep this mood going...geez, shouldn't say it like that, like I'm already setting myself up for failure. I'm not. It feels so great, and I've barely even started. When I have TV I want to catch, I'll drag a box into the bedroom and see what I can get done. Tomorrow night I'll hit another corner of the bedroom, because I think we need to get the other coffee table out of there too...that one's nice, solid wood. It has 2 funny little drop leaves on the sides and it's scratched to hell - it was another dumpster acquisition. But we honestly don't need it at all, and we won't refinish it, so I'll be talking up its removal this week.

Work's about to get harder, as the copywriting/design team undergoes some supervisory transitions. I'm keeping my chin up and my eyes on the future...I look to December, when I'll hit my 10-year mark with the company, and then I'll look further and see we're going to be able to move next year like I want, and if not, it'll be time to hunt here.

Mini rant and random thought

When did we stop driving while driving? I headed to work today in back of a guy who couldn't leave his bangs alone while studying himself in the rearview, and I was followed too closely by a broad in an SUV yacking away on the phone. Would've loved to have slammed on the brakes to teach her a lesson, but I love my car too much. I just don't get it. I guess I'm just lucky that my life isn't busy enough to have to talk to people while I'm driving. And I can't judge some folks...like I know my LilSis gabs away on drives, but she usually uses speakerphone or a hands-free...and she's a very social creature who's currently lacking a bit in the friends department, so I'd never begrudge her her phone time. The ones who annoy me are the ones who clearly don't have the IQ to be multitasking like that. I'm fairly proud of my smarts, but I don't talk on the phone while driving because a) speakerphones annoy me and where the heck would I put the silly thing without it sliding someplace while I drove?, and b) I drive a stick and know my limitations. There's plenty of people out there who could use a dose of my self-confidence.

And, off subject, it just figures that I'm contemplating a career change when unemployment just jacked up to 9.8% and the pundits are thinking it'll definitely go beyond 10% before it goes down...perfect time to be thinking about kids too. Geez, I love my timing.

Autumn Color Week: Orange

Yeah, like we'll ever have orange leaves in Florida...

So you get a shot of the log cabin blanket I started a while back, that's been abandoned until I get the xmas socks done...colors so far are burnt orange, burgundy, green, and off-white. I'm hoping to build it to king size, using all acrylics, like Red Heart. Hate the stuff and it's hard on the hands, but I just can't afford something that size in the good stuff.

What else is going on...not a whole lot. Work's hard. I'm thinking about how moving may mean a career change for me, which would be fine - I really can't stand how much time I spend sitting on my ass every day - but I also know that my current unhappiness is fueling that idea, so we'll see how things pan out.

I'm praying that payday tomorrow means we can pay rent without having to borrow from family. It's going to take a small miracle though.

Keeping it short...not in a great place still this week...looking forward to weekend. Got a bunch of book-sized boxes from Mom's move, planning to put them to use this weekend, consolidating stuff.

Read some Starhawk this afternoon and it boosted my spirits...going to dig back into my Reclaiming/Feri books, start thinking about Samhain and renewing my faith.

Autumn Color Week: Green

So all I ever see around here is green, so I ain't giving you green leaf pictures...instead I'm posting a wishful-thinking pic in the hopes I'll be wearing these things soon. The snood I made last spring, and the scarf was a gift from the MIL from her trip to Scotland this past summer.

Keeping this short, because work is harder to take when the humidity has vamoosed, so I'm ornery...I ache for cooler days, colder nights, and I'm living in the future again, dreaming of Charlotte and a yard to plant things. At least I'm finally feeling more like it's autumn, about time since tomorrow's October.

Autumn Color Week: Yellow

Yeah, OK, i'm a day late...and technically I ain't posting yellow.

Looks pretty, don't it? Don't be fooled...just the view of the retention pond behind my apartment. I liked the way the sunset shined off the fountain. The right pic below: I was trying to catch the moon rising over the pines. I'm working with a simple point-and-click Canon PowerShot A460.

Dawned on me while driving home tonight that one reason we don't see the leaves change down here is because the northeast corner of Florida has mainly three kinds of trees: pine, palm, and live oak. Four if you count the crepe myrtle that abounds in the landscaped business districts. Live oak is a remarkably hardy tree with small leaves, very different from the oaks you see up north. Live oaks are those sprawling trees that you see in pictures of the old South, their tall branches reaching across streets draped in Spanish moss, so that it's like you're driving down some arboreal tunnel...they're a valued tree down here, their limbs supported with wire and lumber when they grow beyond their own strengths...we have a Treaty Oak downtown that has a boardwalk you can frickin' walk through...it's the damnedest thing to witness.

Ironically, the tree in the forefront of that left-hand pic is some kind of maple...

So I finally took the camera out of its case tonight, because there's suddenly an oh-so-subtle lightness in the air, a slight change in temp and humidity that promises an almost-fall-like forecast the next couple of days...I may not get my colored leaves this year, but I'm going to be more present in the seasonal change. As I transported laundry tonight, I watched the sunset shine off sea oats, and the moon rise above the pines.

Also switched out the top graphic...would love to find something autumn-y, but haven't yet, so you get Figaro...one of those pics where you say afterward, holy crap, I nailed it without red eye or anything! Looks innocent, don't she? Again, don't be fooled. Sweet when she wants to be, but also enjoys flying around the house when you're trying to sleep, screwing with the vertical blinds, and rarely comes when you call her. Saw another cat outdoors tonight and mused that if we ever lost her, if she ever got out of the apartment, the "Lost" posters would have to say "Doesn't necessarily answer to Figaro".

Manic Monday

Have no business posting right now...enough work at work to keep me busy for 3 days...and just overheard that our paychecks took another hit this period. I really want to make it to 10 years at this job, but survival will dictate starting the search early, I think.

Mom's move went smoothly...think she probably spent too much on gratitude food for Les and I, but those expenses naturally come up in moving anyway (not like you can easily cook when you're in limbo like that), so I'm trying not to feel too guilty about it. Movers showed up just after 8 a.m. and were gone from the new place before noon. Punctuated how we'll definitely need to save for movers when our time comes...Mom's new place is right down the street, so we had her almost completely unpacked by 4 p.m. Of course, I hope not to be in the same shape as I am now when the time comes, but I do hope to have a small person to tend to, so it just makes sense. Speaking of shape, even with the movers, holy crap, does my body hurt! Went to her old place Sunday and cleaned, and that I'm feeling today in my hands. Then we did lunch and hopped to Home Depot and PetSmart for some necessities...nice, relaxing day after the craziness. Then I went home and lay like a numb lump for the rest of the evening.

I miss Autumn, will be trying to get in the spirit more this week. No point today, we're getting up in the 90s, but the rest of the week will be milder. Patience.

Vent

So we had an assignment for work that asked us to suggest how other departments could improve, so that overall productivity, quality, and customer satisfaction could improve...

I'm leaving this part off the memo, because I still value my job, but I'm so frustrated I had to stick it somewhere...so why not here!

If only Operations management could see how much an incentive pay system hurts productivity rather than encourages it, then perhaps we could increase Customer Satisfaction.

I don’t have an answer to that last one. If I did, I’d be in management, banging my head against the wall at a higher level than I do now. But recession or no recession, until Copywriters and Designers are given the time necessary to build quality sites, sites that don’t have to be sent back two and three times before making it through Quality, thus negating the productivity factor in the process, our departments will continue to work in a circle while management scratches their heads.

ahhh...thank goodness it's Friday...

Life goes on

It's been a week. Finally feeling like me again. Wanted to hold off and add pictures, but that's just not a habit I've been able to embrace yet.

Hormone imbalance, my ass...it's basic cause and effect. When I eat healthy foods, I feel good. When I eat crap, my metabolism and mood plummet. I turned another corner recently, probably from watching Biggest Loser or something (first eps of a new season deal strongly with how you're shortening your life if you're morbidly obese), and I'm starting to remember the downsides of what I'm putting into my body. If I inhale Peppermint Patties at bedtime, I'll wake up with a blood sugar headache. If I grab a quick bite out at lunch that translates to 2,000 mg of sodium in one sitting (yeah, pulled that one just yesterday - yuck!), my increased blood pressure will also give me a headache. It's like 40 was a magic number for my body, and I'm really seeing how I need to change.

Not pregnant, and that's the other reason I think my hormones are pretty OK on their own...being on the damn things sends me 'round the bend. It's like I was back in college or Fort Myers (my Prozac and Risperdal days)...spent the last 2 weeks screwing up at work, high on life or deeply depressed and frustrated, and boy did my paycheck reflect it (ouch!). The damn hormones made me far more bipolar than I've ever naturally been.

Meantime, been turtling a bit, letting myself heal...knitting at MIL's sock and brainstorming for xmas/solstice gifts for others, enjoying the new TV season...have had new shows to watch every night this week, which is nice, as some of the newbies have potential in my book ("Mercy" stood out last night...The Forgotten and NCIS:LA were OK.....and while I normally wouldn't watch fluff like "Eastwick," the casting of Paul Gross as the male lead combined with Matt Dallas as Rebecca Romijn's boy toy has piqued my interest, or my vicarious libido, sufficiently).

Samantha: "He's supposed to be my ideal."
Molly Ringwald, Sixteen Candles

::sigh::

Ehem...ah...now then...anybody seen autumn, because it sure ain't here. Muggy and high 80s during the day, because it's been threatening to rain and not doing so. I don't know yet when I'm going to find the time in October to get us up to SC for an inlaws visit, but I do know I'll be itching to drive a little further, see some leaves turning. I ache for the Carolinas these days, but that also has to do with my unhappiness at my job.

This weekend is all about helping Mom move into her new apartment, slightly larger, better layout...organizing Friday afternoon/evening, transporting some stuff; Saturday, moving; Sunday, cleaning...should be a sweaty blast :P

Ever. So. Slowly. Rallying...

Made a point of reading blogs this morning, and it's helping my mood...when you can't motivate yourself, a peek into how others live can bring inspiration.

Definitely need to start putting pics on this sucker. No wonder I can count my readers on one hand. This has always been just a journal for me, I'm not trying to inspire folks, but still...

I'm ok, nothing new here, the depression...just knocks your wind out every time. You wander along thinking you're fine, and you are, but if circumstances align to make you not ok for a piece, then WHAM, and didja get the license number of that thing? I stared at dirty dishes last night and couldn't lift a finger. I wandered the apartment at times, because there wasn't enough on TV to hold my interest and I couldn't bring myself to knit. You're lost in your body, and the map stores are closed. Lonely business. Josh Groban's HILarious guest stint on Glee helped last night, and I slept hard, so maybe my body's taking the steps it needs subconsciously. Consciously, I'm wearing my meditation goddess earrings today. I'm treating myself to a half-price Vivianno at Starbucks. And maybe, just maybe, some knitting or fabric touching or dish cleaning will occur later.

Keeping it short

You know that part in Home Alone, when Macauley Culkin runs screaming around the house with his arms flailing over his head....?

That's where I'm at. So I'll keep this short. It's been a shitty week, and I'm pretty sure the progesterone negates what little Paxil is in my system, because the way my moods have been swinging, I may as well be back in college...except I'm a 40-year-old married person, so I can't ride my bike at 1 a.m. any more or enjoy the endorphin rush of slamming my wrist into something...I should be grateful. Knitting, Husby...I have things at my disposal now that help me ride out the worst of it. Still, I'm stretched pretty damn tight this week. So I look forward once again...Pagan Pride this weekend, maybe the farmer's market. The little things.

Then again...

Jordan: I mean, how would you like going from unbelievably horny to clinically depressed 6 times a day?
Dr. Cox: Gimme a break, willya, I can knock that out on the way to work.
Paraphrased from Scrubs

After Toby has spouted a meaningless diatribe...
Will: Toby, either get Andie to marry you, or kill yourself.
Paraphrased from The West Wing

Jumped on my mood swing this morning and haven't stopped yet...was regular mopey when work started, and the black mood has thwarted rather ably the happy feelings my music was giving me. We've got a meeting tomorrow to discuss how we can do our jobs better, to improve customer satisfaction. I couldn't give less of a crap. How about a little employee satisfaction?

Something wonderful happened this week...

I'm able to listen to music again.

Sure, I've listened to music in the last 2+ years, but I haven't been able to enjoy old favorites, like Josh Groban, Enya, etc. without it shredding me inside. Dads' passing made music too beautiful to bear for some reason, and I certainly couldn't listen to my old faves at work without the danger of getting weepy...

Turned a corner last spring when Mom and I went to the Kelly Clarkson concert at Universal Mardi Gras, and it's been building ever since. When I realized I couldn't afford the iPod just yet, I dug out the old MP3 player, added some stuff, and brought it to work. Not only can I listen again without it shredding me (there are one or two notable exceptions to this, which I quickly pass over), it's making work bearable, and that I definitely need. I'm really bitter and frustrated these days.

1ww...been practicing positive thinking...the suck part is the progesterone may make my cycle late, so it's harder to determine when I should start throwing away money on pregnancy tests...

Stopping by blog on a Sunday evening...

Whose words these are, I think I know.
My brain's awake and so they flow.
You will not see me moping here,
While the work week looms and my moods swing low.

My hormone imbalance has become clear,
As my mood's actually great these days, full of cheer.
I'm motivated and energized by artificial means,
Which I'll enjoy as the end of the 2-week-wait nears.

Am I pregnant? I certainly hope so,
But if not, I'm ready to change and grow,
So the next month will bring opportunity and grace,
While I eat better, exercise,...and Starbucks...just say no.

The living room is lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And dreams of motherhood as I drift to sleep,
And dreams of motherhood as I drift to sleep.

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So glad that Garrison Keillor's stroke was minor. That man has such a gift. I may not listen to his radio show every week, but his writing inspires me and reminds me that I still have a writer inside of me. Gods, please watch over him and his family. I love to hear about his sandy-haired, gap-toothed daughter.

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Concentrating on sock #1 for xmas, but still brainstorming about other things to make...it was a homebody weekend, no funds for exploring, so helped Mom a bit yesterday, because she's moving in 2 weeks to a new apartment and next weekend, she'll attend her 50th high school reunion in CT, so time is precious...

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That Robert Frost rip-off eluded to a book I discovered earlier today...Jillian Michaels had a PBS special, of all things, on this morning plugging the book she put out earlier this year. It's got me all over it...it's about changing your metabolism in response to possible hormonal deficiencies or other health issues. The first $22 I can grab this week, I'll be buying that sucker. I can't live like this any longer; it's the key to my infertility.

****************************************

In a seriously good place, thank goodness. Really bitter about my company, how they treat us, take advantage of us, but like Dad used to say, you can stand on your head for as long as necessary to reach your dreams (OK, I'm paraphrasing, as the guy was a bit broken down by life and didn't voice his dreams as much as I do, but you get the idea...), so with 11 months left til my hopeful escape from this god-forsaken city, I'm planning a budget, starting savings accounts to get our life in order, and just overall, setting things in motion to get us there. Feels damn good.

Still surviving

Going back to work after a break is never easy...definitely helps that today's Friday.

I'm on the third tier of the "let's spawn a human inside Melanie" plan. It's giving me more energy, but I also noticed myself snapping at the Husby last night. Gotta work on that.

Random:

Looking forward to the weekend...

Looking forward to rereading MommaZen's most recent entry...reminds me that I have some mother in me even if...

When editing regular sites, I can listen to my MP3 player...when editing mods, not so much.

Christy's bridesmaid dress arrived! It's too big! I'm hoping it'll need to be altered big time by the time we hear wedding bells...she's not doing the deed until October 2010. Of course, I'm also hoping to have pushed a small human out of my loins by then, so all bets really are off.

Hard to believe I've been on the planet 40 years...thankfully, the introspection has turned and it's got me thinking about the myriad of goals I still want to reach for, instead of depressed at the time that's gone by. I have herbs to plant, cabinets to refinish, slipcovers to sew...I want Charlotte next year...I want my next birthday to be in the Blue Ridges...I want to rent a little house next year and put up real curtains...I want...

Survived

Well, I'm 40. Feels pretty OK. How unusual :)

Yesterday was nice, I'm glad I didn't try to pack too much into the day. Hanna Park was gorgeous, and thanks to back to school, nearly deserted. Goofed around in the water, got whomped by a wave and burned both knees on the floor of the sea, gathered shells, and by some miracle, Les didn't get sick from being out. It's the most basic thing, his sensitivity...the heat outside causes all your blood vessels to expand to adapt to the change, but when you're a chronic headache sufferer, that can slam you hard. We stayed out about an hour, then went home and relaxed, showered, etc. I let him nap to recoup, and I pampered...took a bubble bath and shower, painted my nails. Then we went out to dinner at PF Chang's, and I grabbed a slice to go from Cheesecake Factory - the two restaurants are across the drive from each other at St. Johns.

This morning I meandered awake and enjoyed said slice of Lemoncello cake for breakfast :)

Today will be serious laundry, a pinch of shopping, some knitting, and getting back into work mode. Tidying, puttering...I'm feeling really good.

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-ah-F-ah-For-Fort-.....

Did an online survey this morning and was quite pleased to still be able to say honestly that I was 39...I wasn't borneded until 9:56 p.m. :)

Bob Evans breakfast was delicimous...we're taking a powder before venturing out to Hanna Park for a dip and a walk...I went to sleep last night knowing that DeLeon Springs wasn't going to happen today...didn't want to expend the gas or car time. So we're going for a quick beach excursion, then back home to clean up before heading to St. Johns Town Center for wandering and dinner...

Woke up pretty ornery, but I'm rallying. Funny how these things ebb and flow...

Reading blogs has me thinking more about handmade Xmas gifts...Salt and Chocolate is making bucket bags for holding gifts...the concept is so simple and utilitarian, it's inspiring me. I may have to get back into work mode soon (:P), but my evenings are going to be spent pawing through my fabric stash and brainstorming...woman cannot live on socks alone. Besides, those suckers get boring quick. I've tucked into a new pattern for one of the pairs of Mom and MIL Xmas socks and it's coming along, but I'm feeling, more and more, the need to pull out the sewing machines and play. I have two, an old Singer my Mom gifted me that runs great, and a much newer model that the MIL gifted me that has a bobbin tension problem that can probably be remedied with a little patience and a tiny screwdriver. I want to get into small quilting projects, so I'm thinking of starting with coasters, placemats, etc.

Day before 40

Crappy dreams last night, but I'm rallying. Nice to have a couple more days off from work. Yesterday was a complete bust. I'm finding that letting those days happen, while relaxing, also feeds depression. Definitely would've been better if I'd planned it. Don't try to understand.

As I near tomorrow, some fairly mundane ideas are popping up in the ole cranium, like:

...am I finally getting too old for my cauliflower bangs (yeah, have a feeling that ship sailed years ago, but I think they look good on me, so I pretend I don't care what other people think...)?

Dragging Husby to DeLeon Springs tomorrow, I think...it's an hour and a half away, but I think it'll be worth it...72-degree swimming, maybe some tubing or kayaking, a little hiking. There's a make-your-own-pancake house on site that we may have to try just for the novelty of it. For my birthday, I'd rather be in the Blue Ridges, but it'll do.

Friday before VACAY!!

Woohoo! I appear to be rallying as the morning progresses and the latte slides into my system. There's too much work to be crammed into today, and I'm doubting my bra will last the whole workday before I pull an escape act, but the biological clock is back in action and I'm looking forward to my break. Maybe more later...

To Do:

1. Open a box or two.

2. Drag Husby to Deleon Springs on Tuesday.

3. Turn 40.

Still needs a little work...

OK

Brought my raincoat today. No need to whack me over the head with misery, I get a clue pretty quickly. We're supposed to have rain for the next week basically...the flooding was frickin' unreal yesterday, so I can only imagine what the week holds.

Definitely learning moderation though...had a glass of wine last night (yes, Irish relatives, that's one glass, singular...), and realized that was all I needed after that grueling day. Ok, yes, it was a Melanie-sized glass...we have wedding wine glasses and matching water goblets...I choose to use the water goblets as wine glasses :) but still impressive.

I'm so stressed out lately, my biological clock has hit the snooze button. This doesn't amuse me, so I'm trying to chill today. Working at my own pace, and if they balk, I'll take my lumps when they come, but I definitely need to chill. So far, it's working; I'm feeling better today, not so down...I was a moody mess when I got home last night.

The upcoming 6 days off will go by too quickly if I'm not careful, so I'm planning a day trip or two, and making some notes today of things I'd like to get accomplished. Yes, yes, I'll be relaxing too, but we Lyons' kind of have to plan our relaxing...a sad condition, but we feel so much better about ourselves afterward. Don't try to understand it, it comes from a pretty buttoned-down place.

grr...

"My shoe is off, my foot is cold, I have a bird I like to hold..."
Paraphrased from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss

Feet cold...I don't watch enough Weather Channel apparently, or I would've brought my trusty raincoat to work. Floridians don't swear by raincoats, believe it or not, because half the time it's too muggy to wear them comfortably, but we're short on umbrellas right now in my fam...can't believe I didn't grab it on the way out this morning.

Did lunch out during Noah's flood. Drove the Nissan through a pond at the entrance to McD's that I'm certain is the deepest I've ventured that vehicle yet. Cut through the hospital parking lot on the way back b/c I rightly assumed the drainage would be better through there. No use though, slogging through that rain with my wimpy umbrella means enjoying the rest of my workday soggy from the waist down and craving a glass of wine, a wood-burning fire, a woobie, and a good book. Thank goodness for the shawl I keep in my desk, it's saving me from air-conditioning pneumonia as I write. I'm starting to dry off, but the wet jeans odor remains. Yay.

One week til my birthday...let the midlife crisis commence! Time to find myself a 20-year old construction worker and buy a sports car. Just kidding, of course, trying not to be too pensive about the big 4-0 as it draws near...I have enough depressing me in my life lately. Work's a bitch on wheels and I'm looking forward to my break more each day.

And don't get me started....

I really kind of hope we can scare up the dough for an iPod for me...I'm starting to enjoy listening to music again (finally), and my current modes just don't fly. My old MP3 player doesn't hold a charge, and when I try to listen to an online radio station, my computer balks after a while and freezes up enough to where I have to reboot. And yes, folks, I work for a website design company. Never let it be said that a requisite for editing websites is that you need a fully functioning computer. The way this company cuts corners is really starting to irk me. Right now, the entire QC department is having trouble loading sites and saving, because the latest upgrade on our Javascript programming may not have been entirely on the up and up. And don't get me started about the pirated copy of Photoshop I have on my work computer...

If you're not already convinced that our society is a few loaves short of a bakery and that religion, organized or otherwise, is a topic that encourages a monumental level of hysterical bloviating, then I urge you to Google Phillip Garrido's blog and take a gander at the comments after his last post before being jailed. While I have no problem with him rotting in jail for his crimes, the level of vitriol displayed by that cross-section of the public is amusing at first, but quickly becomes unnerving. Makes me want to steer clear of religion altogether, and carry a slingshot for when I see folks on soapboxes. And don't get me started about those eye-for-an-eye nutjobs...

Took me forever to wind down last night, but I slept better. Finding it ironic that I'm amusing myself by rereading my Kathy Reichs books, which deal pretty heavily in death, but I'm avoiding something that could help my sleep sitch...my brand-spankin'-new copy of the Pagan Book of Living and Dying. And don't get me started on how I need to put the books down and get knitting on Christmas presents...

My baking has been failing lately...last couple of batches of cookie bars mediocre at best. Can't decide if it's the margarine I'm using or if I fudged it somehow in my hormone-induced stupor. Probably the latter...it sucks to invest the ingredients in a new recipe only to have it go south on you. The banana bars are headed for the trash tonight, I think, and I'll try something new. Since I really don't want to invest the money or floor space on a treadmill right now, I'm making a wish list in my head of kitchen supplies we could indulge in...guess I'm running out of "don't get me starteds"...can't think of one for the cooking. Besides, my beef stew went over great, and I was reminded of the ease it creates to have that kind of stuff around when I prepped my ridiculously simple lunch this morning...

I'm taking Tuesday through Thursday off next week...would've tried for the whole week, but didn't have the PTO. Nothing planned really, will depend on cash flow the next week. My pay decrease starts this next check...yay. I'm going to drag us out to some state parks, just haven't scoped stuff on the web in a week. I'm ready for this break. I need a recharge badly; my apathy is pretty high lately.

So much for good mood...

I don't mean to sound whiny, but I'm really tired of my dad being dead.

Woke up at 3:45 this morning from a variant on a recurring dream where he's alive, but his life is in eminent jeopardy. His potassium is through the roof and his heart is going to give out. This isn't what killed him, but it was a symptom...he had another aortic dissection and since they couldn't operate, his body filled up with toxins and shut down piece by piece. Lovely to witness, let me tellya...nah, actually I'll pass.

So normally on a "school night," if I wake up mid of night, I don't turn on the tube, because I want to be able to fall back asleep right away, but last night I wanted to get the dream images out of my head. That was a dismal failure and it took more than an hour to get back to sleep. Not too tired today, just feeling sad.

Last day of August...I really hope Florida gets an autumn this year; I could use it. Regardless, I think we need another camping trip...Husby was mentioning wanting to be back at our cabin at Lake Hartwell :)

Just a blog readin' fool...

Added some more blogs to the right side of this sucker...I use my front page to satisfy my carnal need to live vicariously through others, especially those with small humans in their fams.

It's been a good weekend. Just have to remind myself that I have a vaca coming up, and I should be able to make it through this week without killing anyone. Kitchen's clean, made a rather yummy beef stew today, plus zucchini bread for snacking this week. Market was fun yesterday, though I came home smelling like dog because it was National Dog Day and boy, were the dogs out! Mom treated me to new earrings, and I got some fresh catnip, all from Karen at Natural Solutions, a local and very dear vendor. Having trouble relaxing, but I'm going into my "get into work mode" phase of Sunday night in a good mood, which is nice.

Seriously restless...

Don't these work people realize I have crafty stuff to do? Christmas socks to knit n' stuff.....recently decided that both mothers are getting socks this xmas.....i'm clearly insane.....

Yeah, like I'd get anything accomplished, wired as I am...

Estrogen is a blast...one little milligram of energy. The good news is the lower dose doesn't give me headaches. The bad news is my concentration's for shit at work, and I can't sit still.

So Lil Sis made a crack awhile back that instead of investing fairly serious money in another Vera Bradley (mmmmmm............mailbag........caffe latte...........), I should get crafty and make my own. After looking at the varied work that's sold on Etsy, I'm starting to agree. Some stuff is really beautiful and obviously was made with pride, and some...not so much. Why buy another person's bag when I could plan what I actually want and make my own? Sure, it'll take time and there will be failures and difficulties attached, but the end result could be quite satisfying too.....my wheels are turning....

Wednesday wanderings

Nothing too exciting to report...work is boring, can't decide what to do for lunch. Enjoyed a bottle of wine last night, so prepping lunch just wasn't going to happen this morning, but surprisingly, woke up with no headache or ill effects, so actually the no lunch can be blamed on laziness. Still, I'm definitely reaching a point where I just don't need the booze anymore...doesn't hold my interest or something. Weird.

Made homemade pizza last night, if you can call it that...we're talking Pillsbury Pizza dough in a can, Ragu, and cheese and bacon. Not half bad for my first try. Really got me thinking...want to try Publix pizza dough next, and make and freeze meatballs on a weekend. Came home and told Husby the first appliances we'll buy next year are a washer and dryer, but the 2nd appliance we'll buy is a freezer. I really want to be able to stock up and store food more, and our microfreezer just doesn't cut it. Can't even really fill the sucker, because the fridge is so old, it shuts down if you block certain vents or something...it's a blast.

Clomid may focus me, but estrogen wires me out...can't sit still at work, which is fine, because I'm in a cube so hardly anyone sees me, but still...wish I could use this energy toward something other than helping people advertise crap.

Sad about Ted Kennedy...Republicans may be dancing on his grave, but we liberals have lost a true leader and fixture in the party. A great man went quietly last night, leaving a truly inspiring legacy of government aid and progress for others to learn from and take up the mantle...

Food for thought

I still talk a good game and then indulge in way too much junk food...one of my only occasional weaknesses is Snack Packs. Just can't duplicate that yumminess anywhere else. But I'm definitely drinking the natural life Kool-Aid, because it dawned on me while indulging this afternoon, that:

(setting aside the probable horrific nutritional information and the fact that they're individually packaged in plastic cups...that should be reason enough to steer clear...)

Nothing that claims to have real milk in its ingredients has any business having a shelf life of at least 16 months.....seriously.....the expiration date was Dec 2010!

What the frick do they put in there to get that shelf life?! I don't wanna know. What I do want is to stop making those impulse purchases. It's possible. Didn't buy boxed cookie dough the other day, because I knew I could make better and at least then I'd know what went into it. And making the change to less packaging isn't that hard...I do it already, using reusable plastics for sandwiches and stuff, and wax paper....and I've been bypassing the canned fruit for fresh lately. Husby's teeth dictate keeping more soft stuff around, but there's certainly ways to find that stuff without it being individually sized. Our culture of convenience is killing the planet. Gonna brainstorm about getting back to recycling this weekend...

Tuesday through new glasses

Wore the new specs to work today. How the frick do people wear glasses all day? Can't imagine it...I mean, my eyes are thanking me and enjoying the change, but I'll be surprised if I last the whole day. That said, astigmatic contacts take some getting used to...realizing I'm still struggling a bit with the contacts, because the glasses feel great, in spite of their inconvenience. It's the prescription, the difference between wearing it as a contact lens versus the glasses. Contacts themselves are fine, both eyes in Oasis™, thank goodness...but it's just...different. Not amused at all that my eyes decided to turn 40 a whole month early, but since I can't do anything about it, I'll shed the animosity over the sitch pretty quickly.

Hormone therapy kind of blows...Clomid gives me energy, but Estradiol gives me headaches and makes me ornery, and Prometrium provides the sharp tongue. It's a blast.

Kitchen's gotten bad again, but Melanie on estrogen just wasn't having any of it last night. Hopefully I'll rally a bit tonight. Thinking of trying homemade pizza for dinner....and I need to make zucchini bread before the veggies go south on me. Laundry night too. Yay.

Short and sweet

Yeah, right, like my posts ever end up that way....

Nice weekend. Farmer's market wander with Mom. Saturday nap gave me the grumpies, Sunday nap didn't...usually it's the other way around. Found the top of my dining room table again. Planning a beef stew this week and some baking. Nice to have a fully stocked pantry.

Starting to look forward to my birthday....

I'm slowly getting my husband back. The fog from the blasted Cymbalta is lifting, and in its place is this engaged, chatty guy I'd forgotten was under there. He's delighted that he doesn't feel the need to nap as much. Gotta get used to him being awake again :)

Hey, whaddaya know, this one is short and sweet.

Patience

This week's trudging along...I'm enjoying the heck out of SouleMama's Savoring Summer series. I'm barely noticing the season passing me by, and that happens quite a bit in Florida, because it sometimes seems like it's always hot here, so you don't appreciate it nearly so much as say, someone living in Maine who's had an exceptionally rainy summer so far. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be taking time out to stop, smell the sea air, and get a little dirty. I'm thinking it's foolhardy to hit Universal Orlando on Labor Day weekend...we'd spend the whole time waiting in lines, which would blow significantly. But if we stay home while I'm off work that week, we're taking some day trips. State parks, the beach, something...

Poor Husby is weaning off one medication before starting another, so he's under the weather. May not have the heart to drag him to the movies this weekend, we'll see.

I ache with boredom at work lately, which gets me restless, that "I'm wasting my life" feeling. But what do I actually want to do, ah, there's the question...do I want to find a different job in my field in Charlotte, if I'm going to be just as bored there? Do I have a choice, given our sitch? Can't move up there unless I'm making at least what I'm making now...so much for living in the present. But it's important to address these issues now, when the move's still a ways off, especially when we're trying to add a small person to the mix. It's going to mean significant juggling/organization. Maybe I should stay the hell home that week I'm off and get organized. Yeah, it could happen...

In the meantime, farmer's market to look forward to, and a weekend of a little cleaning, a little knitting, a little laundry, a little reading, and a lot of helping Husby feel better. Life is good.

So...

The useless, waste of space that occupies the role of my brother-in-law got 5 years' probation for dodging child support for 3 years. I don't know much more than that, but I'm thinking the following things.....remember, this is South Carolina.....:

1) We can't assume they'll put him on a schedule to make him pay the back child support.
2) We can't assume they'll put him on a schedule to pay the current child support.
3) We can't assume he won't be able to talk his way out of positive drug tests, because he's managed to convince doctors in the past that he needs certain medications.
4) We can assume that between the probation fees and the child support, the chances of them moving out of my inlaw's house just decreased dramatically.

And we won't discuss how my sisinlaw won't get the help she needs, because the rest of the family would rather be manipulated than rock the boat.

I really hope they wonder why we haven't visited as much this year. It ain't just because of the gas prices; I mean, heck, compared to last year, the gas has remained pretty stable. Can't think about it beyond this, it's too depressing...

Feels like Thursday...

That sucks. Still, I'm glad it's Wednesday...when you work stuck to a computer 8 hours a day, you look at Wednesday with hope, because the weekend's in view. Sweet. Thinking of finally hitting Harry Potter 6 with the Husby this weekend, and doing the Riverside market with Mom on Saturday morning.

Listening to plain old music for a change at work, taking a break from Zen Radio.

When I step outside the apartment in the mornings, my keys sweat from the temperature change. No shit.

One neat thing about work is all the windows...on the 3rd floor, we get a great view of the afternoon storm clouds, so we're rarely surprised when the thunder hits.

This month is going to be about relaxation and visualization for me. I started Clomid again...I have only 2 cycles left of the stuff. I'm going to make a conscious effort not to make myself insane over the whole baby-making thing. My stress transfers to Husby big time, and he's got enough baggage to beat himself with. Besides, I remember how the hormones make me a little nutty, and I really want to keep myself in check. There were one or two times there, on the Prometrium, where I shocked myself with what came out of my mouth. Mean-spirited or far too sharp...and y'all know how I keep it pretty real here, so for it to shock me, it must've been bad. So I'm hoping that by being present in myself, I can keep my moods in check. Pipe dream? Let's hope not...

Nothing much going on...

Dog days...step outside into the wall of heat...breezier than normal this year, but still...

Work...our president stepped down to go be brilliant somewhere else...shouldn't cause a ripple here, but worth keeping the radar up...

Hormone hostage...I really should take something more than Advil for the hormonal issues that accompany the monthly fun. I'm guessing things are a bit heightened by the PCOS. My body was one solid ache from the waist down yesterday, and today people could still use my skin to sharpen blunt objects. And I want to go on the Clomid again...must be loopy. Discussing it with Husby tonight. Meantime, don't piss me off...I'm wound a bit tight.

Pondering cloth pads...I know I have some flannel in my stash...may take it out and sketch patterns tonight, just for grins. My first day has begun to feel like the scene where Johnny Depp dies in Nightmare on Elm Street 1, and I'm very tired of the leaks that ensue. I know, more than you wanted to read...but I'm pretty sure the material that "keeps you dry" on your basic store-bought sanitary napkin is the crux of my problem, so I'm investigating other options. Never mind what they do to the environment...figures that I get eco-friendly 20 years after the fact. Oh, excuse me, 25 years after the fact...gonna go blow my brains out now. Ah well...still hoping to do cloth diapers someday...

Actually, getting more optimistic where the ole birthday is concerned. Happened upon a bio at the library that I'm slowly getting into: Dara Torres' Age Is Just a Number. Been saying that to myself in the mirror in the mornings...it's surprisingly helpful.

Holy cr*p

So I'm listening to Daido Roshi...neat guy, funny. Claimed he'd gotten a root canal sans painkillers earlier that day. Don't see how that's possible...any dentist that tried that with me would get a punch in the crotch. So he was a little loopy from pain, I think, but he delivered a message that gave me another lightbulb.

I can't decide if my inability to have this thought before now is the product of public school education or Catholic catechism. Daido Roshi was talking about how he was one of those students who, when told that the universe extends to X and then ends, his question was always, well, what's beyond X? From a philosophical standpoint, that same question could be posed as, well, ok, God made the universe in 6 days, but what/who made God? And he joked that it was questions like that, that got him thrown out of Sunday school.

I've been questioning the concept of God ever since I became pagan, but I never thought of it that way, never even entered the outer reaches of my mind to question the concept of God, period. And why not...I mean, it's as standard as the chicken and the egg. It's not just because I'd never really consider myself an atheist; I think I'll always need a little faith in my life. But there's questioning and there's questioning, and when you don't open yourself to both kinds of questions, you risk missing something. Les's brain works more that way; it's what allows him to enjoy all those NatGeo shows and History/Military channel programs.

There's a joke that you should have an open mind, but not one so open that your brains fall out. I'm thinking that since we have free will and can walk upright, we should have the ability to shove our brains back into our heads if our thoughts produce that result. Probably not something to assume about the general populace, but ok on a case-by-case basis.

Then again, I'm in a fair bit of pain myself today (everybody sing it! "I enjoy being a girl!), so there's also the possibility that I'm talking out of my ass.

Still a witch

It's nice to discover, by studying other philosophies, that one in particular still speaks volumes to you. I've been a lapsed witch for awhile now, haven't done a sabbat ritual in ages, rarely noted anything astrological, couldn't be bothered with whether or not mercury was in retrograde. But I've been reading about life in a Zen monastery, and suddenly I'm very much in the mood for Starhawk's The Fifth Sacred Thing. Zenners would call that the ole monkey mind pushing me away from being present; I think I call it my true faith giving me a nudge. Still studying Buddhism, their precepts definitely speak to me; but I'm being pulled in another direction that feels more like coming home.

Plus, I just don't have enough of an existential mind for some of their thinking...was listening to a lecture about self and consciousness, where the lecturer was posed the question at the end as to whether or not we can believe that we just heard a 1-hour lecture from the guy sitting in the chair because we have the language for the words, like lecture or chair, or whether we're supposed to suspend what we think we know as reality...I've never been one for that "tree falls in an empty forest" stuff; I was always like, "of course, it still makes a sound! I mean, somebody's tympanic membrane has to have vibrated somewhere!" I guess I'm just not open enough. Pretty sure I'm ok with that. Still, I can tell that living more in the present can only be a good thing for someone like me, so I'm still studying, still searching.

So I picked up The Pagan Book of Living & Dying today...spent quite a few moments talking to Dad yesterday. I'm pretty sure it had to do, not-so-subconsciously, with the fact that I made pancakes yesterday morning using the family griddle for the first time. It's an electric griddle with a drip pan that I'm pretty sure dates back to Above All (1981-1985). That sucker's still in great shape, heats fast, and makes great pancakes...looking forward to doing bacon on it too. But of course, it struck a chord somewhere, and my hormonal self had the wind knocked out of me again.

At least I've got that newly hatched Monday feeling, instead of the "gee, it's craptastic being at work" Monday feeling. I'll do some dreaming and planning in between websites, so the day doesn't feel so grueling.

Epiphany

Suffering involves a giving up of hedonism. On its face, you'd think the opposite. Hedonism is defined by indulgence, which you'd think would be far from suffering. And remember, we're not talking suffering in the basic definition - the self-flaggellation or grief that the word implies/connotes. But after listening to Shogen Sensei's talk on patience on Zen Radio, I had a lightbulb. Our lives are so made up of the perpetuation of suffering...my eating disorder is a great example. I eat to satisfy a craving, to "help" myself emotionally, but it's an incredibly minute solution that requires constant attention - I eat, the feeling passes, the feeling comes back, I eat, and so on. I perpetuate my suffering to an extreme, as I'll never get healthy as long as I allow myself the indulgence of my cravings.

If I recognize that I'm supposed to suffer the craving instead, instead of indulging it, then not only do I decrease the amount of food that makes it into my body, but I also no longer perpetuate the seriously drawn-out suffering that the imbibing of that food creates. By recognizing the craving for what it is, recognizing that I need to be present in it, truly present, I think I can change my thinking. That sounds tentative, but it's hard to latch onto; will require significant discipline as I allow my thinking to change. In a way it's already working; I came online tonight to distract myself from thinking about ice cream, and after listening to Shogen Sensei, I'm not even in the mood for the chocolate milk I was going to fix myself as a stop-gap. This is where zazen, not just sitting, but stopping when I need to in the course of a day, coming back to breath, and recognizing the zazen of everyday tasks will go a long way toward helping me change. And by doing this, I won't be avoiding the craving; on the contrary, I'll be examining it, getting to know it, allowing it the attention it deserves that it never gets because I'm so busy inhaling food to indulge it.

I am so freakin' jazzed by this thought :)

I'm online because...

...i'm distracting myself from going out in search of ice cream.

Astigmatic contacts not nearly as expensive as the doc originally told me, thank goodness. They're a pinch more expensive, but not the hilariously exorbitant price she threw at me last week. And while both eyes are astigmatic, the left eye's low enough to wear standard near-sighted contacts; it's rightie that has the higher astigmatism. Whatever, had a work week that was still boring as hell, but the tension I hadn't realized was all across my forehead has evaporated. Sweet.

Otherwise, normal weekend, reading library books, avoiding...I'm a Farmville addict on FB and the gifts haven't been getting through the last couple of days; that's annoying. If that's the biggest annoying thing in my life at present, I'm pretty lucky.

Random Friday thoughts

I love Aerosmith's Steven Tyler to pieces, but someone needs to sit the man down and explain to him that he's 60-freakin'-one years old!

Well, since they cancelled the rest of the tour, maybe somebody finally did that.

Just did a site in Punxsutawney, PA...will now have groundhogs in my head for the rest of the day.

Fridays are delicimous...may require a hint of Starbucks tho' :)

P.S.S.

Anybody who says that meteorology has nothing to do with aches and pains, doesn't have arthritis. Can't tell me the two don't correlate...knees haven't ached in a month, but today it's been all down my left leg, and there's a front overhead that's sticking around all evening. Well, could be hormonal, my body's hinting at early fun this month, but until then, I'm blaming it on the weather, cuz I can't do anything overnight about the extra-large butt the knees have to carry around everyday. So there.

Besides, I'll always think that after the last CT trip for Nanie's funeral. Three solid days of feeling like my knees were encased in cinder blocks, coupled with an excellent snow storm. I'm an old fart.

And I'm back to wanting a bicycle instead of a treadmill for my birthday.....better for my knees, better for my patience, better for the environment.......how can I think about camping around then, when the bike itself will end up being $200...I live in a dream world.

1 hour to go! Man, I have no concentration at work today...

P.S.

Anybody else surprised to discover that last night was the season finale of The Philanthropist? I know it's just a summer series, but they could've warned us. I thought that show was a rather delightful slice of escapist altruism, and I loved all three main characters (James Purefoy was new to me, Jesse L. Martin...heh, no introduction needed; and it was great seeing Neve Campbell back on series TV). Alas, while I'd love to see it back mid-season, I won't exactly hold my breath...getting used to shows I love not making it as far as I'd like them to.

Was reflecting on that while watching Joan of Arcadia the other day, how clean and beautiful the writing was, how well acted the episodes were...reminded me of Kyle XY, that same level of family excellence displayed on screen; and what happens? Joan gets replaced by Ghost Whisperer, because apparently ghosts (and Jennifer Love Hewitt - gag me) are cooler than god and Amber Tamblyn, and Kyle XY gets killed after 3 seasons. Dorks. What do the TV suits have against decent family ensemble series? But I digress...

Thursday Thoughts

I do want to go camping on my birthday, but here's an idea...we'll just go camping. We'll hike and sit on our butts and cook over a fire and forget about trying to get anywhere, like Charlotte or Asheville. I need a retreat. May do the weekend in Orlando and then drag Husby to Table Rock...ah, doubt we can afford both, but allow me my delusions for a bit.

Rearranged my desk, but now my monitor catches a glare from the dang windows...this building is mad with windows, which normally I'd love, except when I'm trying to find the happy medium in focusing with the floaties in my eyes lately. Gotta ask her about those at my follow-up on Saturday...hope my new glasses are in. I have a feeling I'll be wearing them a lot more now.

Good Momma Zen today...the trickiest part of Zen for me will be shedding the baggage and just living in the present. I live in the future whenever things don't go my way, whenever I'm restless about my current state, which is often. The upshot of that, of course, is setting yourself up for never truly being happy, I know, but still...I'm going to work on the concept of living in the present. It doesn't have to be a Pollyanna existence, but I talk a good game about being able to shed things when I know I can't control them.....why is it so hard to do that with everyday life? Relinquishing control is different from believing in destiny or accepting fate, but it does have to do with acceptance. Love Momma Zen's blog title today: yield the floor, take the sky.

I'm reading The Heart of Being by Daido Roshi from Zen Mountain Monastery. That'll be one for the home bookshelf; it's a different take on the precepts than Being Upright (Reb Anderson). I'm drawn to the koan study of Master Dogen, but I should/want to acquaint myself with the precepts first. Zen is difficult to wrap your mind around when you've been brought up by the standard public school thinking of read something, absorb it, spit it out, congrats, you've learned it! Zen asks you to study, but turns thinking on its head. Don't think about it by beating yourself over the head with it...allow it to percolate, take on different forms, and what do the forms mean, but be sure to come back to the original thought afterward, and how have the different forms modified how you see the koan, and here's where you're on the right track and here's where you're completely off base, but it's up to you to find the paths to those two opposing tracks......anybody else's head hurt yet? Anyway, I'm still not being a good little zazener, but my mood swings aren't running quite so high either. There's a peace in that. Zen with an Irish temper though...should be interesting, finding my balance.

In the meantime, what do I want for lunch, and is it 5:30 yet? Yeah, ok, I've got a ways to go :)

Just the usual randomness...

Kathy Reichs books aren't easy reads...my last post may have implied that. I'd already started Devil Bones this past weekend, because I have it only on a 7-day checkout from my local library. You've gotta be in the mood for that level of forensic pathology, and it's definitely what sets her apart from your basic beach read. Was glad to see that she dealt with witchcraft responsibly, providing the correct messages (making a point of turning myths on their heads, like that all witches worship Satan...yes, folks, that one's still out there...), and since this story was based in Charlotte, she had a healthy smathering of the Christian hysterics when faced with said religions, but it wasn't to the point of annoying (like real life can be in the South ::wry grin::). This one was quite descriptive of Charlotte; I look forward to owning it and seeing if I can get to know the neighborhoods of my hopeful, fair, future city through her eyes. Yes, I know it's fiction, but I also know she's painting in front of a landscape.

On the off chance people from work actually read this sucker, I won't expound on how my apathy hasn't left yet concerning the ole company. Just putting nose to grindstone and living for the weekends.

This weekend, I want to get off my butt. Or stay on it, but in an upright position while going through a box. I'm going to make some lists and do some thinking. Tired of this year going by so quickly.

Another day, another...

Andie: "Are you going to class today?"
Duckie: "I don't know, you know, I don't think I'm emotionally ready."
Andie: "Oh, go for it; it's virtually painless."

Paraphrased from Pretty in Pink

An homage to the departed John Hughes and a veiled explanation for why I wasn't at work yesterday. Sans lithium, there are mornings where you just know you'll be shredding yourself, and leaving a tiny piece of yourself at work if you go, and it's not a piece you're willing to lose. Unfortunately, there will never come a time when you can say that to an employer, so I went with "under the weather". Close enough. I enjoyed a "Joan of Arcadia" marathon on the newly minted Syfy (geez, that's lame...seriously, what was the point of that switch?), plowed through Kathy Reichs' Devil Bones, and made a slightly strange, but tasty dinner, also paraphrased, from the back of a Stove Top stuffing box.

I'm thinking my future kids will never know true Waldorf; I'm just too plugged in. Was blowing my day in front of the tube yesterday and wishing that I had a laptop, so I could log onto Facebook without missing my show. Pitiful.

Zen Radio repeats itself frequently, but when you're listening to it at work, not everything's sinking in at once, so I'm enjoying the repetitiveness. I haven't dedicated myself to daily zazen in the true sense yet...unfortunately the draw of the PS2 has been taking my free time still. But I'm more mindful while eating and doing daily tasks, so I'm heartened that, ever so slowly, I can integrate these teachings into my life.

Not enough happening at the house lately...my work table has piled up nicely again. I hope to tackle that soon, purge a box or three. I'm also trying to be more cognizant of what we eat, but boy, is it tough to modify your diet when you've gotten used to grab-and-go and too much fast food...

Went to the eye doc Saturday, where I enjoyed the news that a) my nearsightedness had gotten better, which was the cause of my focus issues on the computer, b) I've started the 40-something astigmatism a month early, and c) I could be looking at a future of both contacts and reading glasses because astigmatic contacts in my strong nearsighted prescription run about $600 a pop. I'm not amused. Treated myself to new glasses, so that I can wear them to work occasionally without them sending me 'round the bend hopefully (my current pair don't fit right, too loose and won't hold their shape)....and the contacts/reading glasses thing isn't in the near future yet, so I'm reconciling myself to the concept. Still...and I should be seeing the opthalmologist every 6 months for the lattice degeneration ::hangs head in shame::, because that's something you won't know has degenerated until it's almost too late, so I'm sucking it up and making an appointment, as soon as I can find the paperwork to remind myself who the heck I saw last year. That was a really unpleasant appointment...he shoved little things like matchsticks farther into the sides around my eyeball than any implement should have to go.....so I blew off the idea of the appointment 6 months ago, but since we really do only have one set of eyes, and I kind of like mine, I'll be a good camper and exercise diligence with them from now on. Lattice degeneration (my explanation based on what the doc told me) is where you develop stretch marks on the outside of your eyeball, but that means your cornea is thinner in those areas, so there's danger of corneal tears or retinal detachment. I call them stretch marks, because that's literally what they looked like the couple of times they obstructed my vision...it was like I had a stretch mark in my vision field. Weird and scary...thankfully, haven't had those in over a year. Doesn't mean the ole corneas ain't still stretching though. Promise I'll do better.

Better

Really handy, having the ability to let something go when I realize there's nothing to be done about it.....saves me a lot of stress. I've been this way since kidhood really...Dad was always a "what next?" kind of guy. But I think it got lost when I was lost in my 20s, so it's like it's a new personality trait now. Sweet. Or I'm just a flake :)

Friday. Payday. One more cool check and then I really have to work hard for my money.

Any truth to the notion that employers look down on folks who have free email addresses? I'm trying to decide whether Outlook is worth the money. I've looked at MS Office Home & Student for years now, and thanks to back to school, the price dipped by $50...thinking of asking Husby for that for my birthday. Lord knows we need it.

Zen radio's helping work go by faster...another something to be grateful for. That and the weekend spread out before me with no real plans other than an eye doctor's appointment. I love Fridays.

Finding patience

Can't dig into specifics because with my luck, it'll be the one post that Husby actually reads. He hasn't been on the computer in ages, but if I talk about what we're going through here, Murphy will put a wild hair up his ass.

It's just a really good thing that I'm studying Zen right now. And that I found this delightful (read: informative and free!) thing called Zen Radio. The Mountain and Rivers Order of Zen Buddhism, based at the Zen Mountain Monastery in upstate NY, runs a radio station with live streaming audio...music, stories, koan zazen...I'm listening to it at work and letting the words flow over me and sink into my psyche.

Still, I ache a little today. It shouldn't be this hard. We're good people, we're not greedy. I know that means nothing...there's plenty of bad people bringing children into the world. And it's not a situation we have real control of...I can plot my timing to the day, but thanks to the PCOS, my body may decide not to shoot out an egg that month, so any "trying" would be for naught anyway. I've been hoarding my last 2 Clomid like chocolates, because a) they send me on a hormonal roller coaster, and b) I know the doc won't give us any more, so....what? I don't know...after enough missed months of not even trying (because of Husby's headaches), I don't want to waste the Clomid on an off month. I'm just a little down today...we'll try tonight, but the window's closing fast on this month, may have closed already, and that hurts a little.

Restless

Slept hard last night....interesting how your body reacts to temperature. AC's on the fritz again and it was 86F in the apartment when I woke up this morning, but I almost feel refreshed.

Still, wouldn't mind a little more sleep...pretty sure I slept that hard because I barely moved, cuz I was sticking to the sheets. Yuk! By some miracle, the AC guys pulled up as I was leaving this morning...could've hugged them.

Not that I need an excuse to sit on my butt in the evenings, but there's something freeing about giving myself permission in those conditions...couldn't even look at knitting last night. Read my Kathy Reichs and vegged. And lost water weight.

August in Florida...90s everyday, rain in the afternoon. Pot roast leftovers tonight and laundry. Wild n' crazy life.

Sunday

There's a pot roast on the stove. Husby made a lot of noise about cooking it himself and then crapped out on me, so I took that passive-aggressive energy and whipped it into shape fast. Plowed through the dirty dishes in short order and braised the meat in the dutch oven (Mom's dutch oven, bless her heart...I think it may be the first time I'm using it for the whole cook...last time I did pot roast, I braised and then crockpotted, but we're not that organized around here lately)...in another half hour, I'll put together the potato bundles and flip the meat. Also planning on throwing together Toll House cookies so we have something to snack on this week, but I've got that recipe memorized, so it'll be easy.

There's the beginnings of another semiautobiographical fiction sneaking its way into my head. Y'all who know me, know that I've written an entire novel, that'll probably never get published because it's so rough. I haven't unearthed it in ages. It was written during my first crazy time....a probably 10-year process. Then a couple of years back, we purchased a new computer, I transferred the whole novel to disc (3½" floppy), and was shocked to discover that the new system didn't have a 3½" floppy drive...had no idea they'd become obselete. I know, I know, Kinko's might still have the means to transfer it to CD...just never got around to it. Harder to get up the gumption when you know you're dealing with a significantly flawed work. There's most of a hardcopy here in the apartment, and I'm sure I'll sink into editing it, as the drips and drabs of this new novel start to invade my psyche.

I miss writing, but it's something that has to come to me at its own pace. I certainly don't want to be one of those editors who spends their lives reading other people's writing while dreaming of publishing their own Great American Novel. But the emotions that come with writing are so raw, the editing process gets tricky. But recently it dawned on me that Dad would never read my first novel. That realization really sucked, because I can still remember the pride in his face and voice, as he read my 5th grade reading project to the family that I'd gotten an A++ on. I ache with that knowledge and the damn fricking birthday coming up has me thinking about leaving my mark and all that, while I'm on this planet. My wry wit will only get me so far in this life.

I say my first crazy time, because I kind of feel like I'm going through my second crazy time right now. I recognize that I'll always have the depression, that my lithium deficiency is going to bring out certain eccentricities in my personality. But the last year has also been a roller coaster of hormones as we try to make a small Johnsonette, combined with the grief of figuring out a life without Dad. It's still so very raw, every day. I'm better at pushing it aside for work lately, but whenever I'm allowed to think about it, it still overcomes me. Brings me to tears on the way to work, or knocks my breath out without warning. I thought I knew death before 2007. I had no fucking idea.

Since then, I've occasionally vocalized how I consider myself a writer, but when it comes to that level of loss, there are no words. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, finally finding my words again. They aren't words that will heal anyone else necessarily, but perhaps by hitting the keyboard, I can start to find some peace for me on the subject.